Is his drinking normal?

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SloaneRanger

Hello, I need some advice.
I have been seeing my new partner for about 9 months now and he is such a lovely, kind, caring person and works hard. However I am worried he has a drinking problem.
He will have the odd beer thru the week but it’s on weekends that it really bothers me. He will count down until the time he can start drinking, and will drink beers and spirits. Right up to 3-4am. He usually gets pretty drunk, and sometimes gets absolutely wasted. I am not a big drinker myself, a couple of wines every now and again. I feel like there might be an issue here but I don’t know?
 
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Snippysnips

It sounds like it's a bit of a problem tbh, especially if he's counting down the time where he can drink an it's going on to those times in the morning, I certainly wouldn't be comfortable for my partner to he drinking like that an I wouldn't be putting up with him being drunk or wasted every weekend either, I understand the odd weekend but not every weekend
 
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SloaneRanger

Thank you, it’s getting really tiresome to be honest. Plus I’m worried what it’s doing for his health. I just don’t know the best way to approach it without coming across as judgemental or accusatory
 
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Snippysnips

Its better to talk now while the relationship is still quite new, just be honest about it, maybe he thinks it's not bothering you like it is so is continuing it, you don't want to be years down the line an release that he's not changing an it's gotten worse an it's affecting your own mental health

Maybe mention about help groups? See if there's any close by that he could think about going
 
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Happy35

Is your partner drinking on his own or with friends? We both led this lifestyle of counting down to the weekend to party with friends when we were young, now like you I hardly ever drink. I would be worried if he was drinking like this at home on his own.
 
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SloaneRanger

It’s both. He will drink with friends but also alone.
 

Rach88

I used to count down the hours till me and my friends could have a party Saturday and go oh I've been saving it till tonight so I can really let loose 'I deserve it' I used to go that turned into a slippery slope to drinking during the week and going on benders to 3 or more days at a time and nobody knowing where i was to drinking alone and not being able to get our of bed without having a drink it really is a slippery slope if in your head your working out if its a problem it sadly probably is but until your boyfriend realises it's a problem all you can do is share your concerns if you feel you can do that unfortunately alcohol is heavily glamourized I've had to stop drinking I don't want to worry you it's just unfortunately a very slippery slope
 
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Badirene

Is he spending a lot of the weekend, his free time either drinking or recovering from drinking? Do you miss plans together because he is hungover? Is he having to drink more to get the same effect? It sounds like he binge drinks and personally I couldn't cope with a partner that drinks like this.

When in college myself and friends might have a drink or two in the evening at home one night a week, and then go a bit mad on a night out at the weekend but we grew out of it about 20 or 21. Honestly it got a bit boring coping with hangovers and trying to take care of drunk friends that didn't know when to stop.

Has he ever said anything about how much he drinks that makes you think he sees it as a worry? Do you want to be dealing with this at nine months in, this is when things are susposed to be at there best.
 
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Happy35

SloaneRanger said:
It’s both. He will drink with friends but also alone.
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If that’s the case then yes I think it is a cause for concern. I would personally mention that you are concerned about his drinking and see how he reacts. I couldn’t cope with this every weekend either.
 
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Megansnarkle

What happens if you have plans that don't involve drinking? Say, going out one evening to the cinema and then getting up early the next morning to visit friends?
 
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SloaneRanger

Megansnarkle said:
What happens if you have plans that don't involve drinking? Say, going out one evening to the cinema and then getting up early the next morning to visit friends?
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Well I stay at his the times we see each other. To be honest he always has a drink. He will usually feel rough in the morning and sleep later than me so I’m just kind of hanging around waiting for him to surface. He makes a joke about it
 

Clickbait

If he’s not a full blown alcoholic yet, he’s certainly alcohol-dependent and really needs to address it as soon as possible. The problem will come when he refuses to see it as an issue, and you can’t get support from others in his life (family and friends) to help challenge him. Being in a relationship with an addict is soul destroying and has a lasting impact. Ultimately if he won’t change you’ll need to step away for your own well-being.
 

ChiRie

Binge drinking can be as bad as drinking daily. I'll be honest I drank each evening but not over the top. Stopped and had it weekends and just lost control and would go waaay over the top drinking too much into the early hours to make the most of the time I could drink. In the end it made me quite ill the days following.
 
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mummyofmonkeys

As someone who has just separated from their alcohol dependent partner with 3 kids involved, run don’t walk. It’s all fun and games until people get very seriously hurt and others lives are in danger. This may seem dramatic but alcoholism is a disease, it’s not worth the life long stress if you can get out now.
 
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Heyguysswipeup

I find that we have normalised alcohol so much nowadays, we have a stressful day and have a drink to destress etc… we joke about needing a wine to get through a day of parenting… going away on holiday and just get absolutely smashed… and even if we were to say aloud that we are drinking a lot, many people around us try and validate what we do by saying it’s not that much or it’s not everyday or you have a stressful job so you deserve to wind down! which just attempts to justify what we are doing instead of facing it for what it really is. The sooner he can realise it’s problematic now (even if he feels like it isn’t) the sooner he can get better. It may not be an everyday thing but it certainly is excessive and not a good coping mechanism!
 
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Ruthless21

Hi, I'm hoping for some advise - this is different to the original poster but similar question.

My husband is drinking a lot recently. We're married 10 years, have 4boys and when we got together first, we were both drinkers and loved nights out.
This has changed with means babies, I didn't drink while pregnant or after, at times for 2/3 years as I was exhausted with the children.
Recently on a weekend he drinks spirits, wine, beer etc. We both discussed not wanting to drink in front of our boys, as I don't want them thinking it's normal behaviour to drink on the regular. But he does this now, granted they are young and off to bed. It leaves him sluggish and cranky, making me so mad so I take kids off somewhere. It also means I can't trust him to stay with kids alone so I'm always "on". He think he'd be fine, but what if something happens to one of them and they need hospital etc.
This past few weeks it's getting work on Sundays, coupling 2 bottles of wine and beers with visiting our in laws, each house would offer a drink. Then wanting to buy more on our way home.

He was away for work and had a bus journey home where (after a few beers with colleagues) he bought a bottle of wine and drank it on the bus from a coffee cup. I was so angry as he passed off his behaviour as being tired and when I pressed this came out. Also asking to get more alcohol which I said no to as I drove him home from bus stop.

He thinks there's nothing wrong with this as no one saw it and I'm trying to show him that's the biggest issue. We argued and I stated I don't want the boys to see it and if ge wants to drink like that then move out. Im just really protective of them, so much badness comes from abuse of any kind and I'm not willing to let them see it. I also want them to have a great dad, which he usually is.
Any advice is welcome.
Sorry I cannot give the lady above advice as I feel we're the same.
 
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Megansnarkle

Is there something going on that you don't know about? Something at work perhaps? If it's something that has intensified then it sounds like a response to something, a stressor perhaps? Can you perhaps have a calm and open conversation about it and your concerns?
 
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mee43

I don’t think you can make people stop unless they want to, sadly.

I do think it’s worth having a conversation to find out what might be going on behind the drinking. Maybe asking your partners to set some boundaries on their drinking?

Often, people who use drink as a prop are maybe struggling mentally and aren’t the types to talk, so they choose to get drunk instead.

So whilst I completely get that living with a problem drinker is hard/intolerable, I also feel a huge amount of sympathy for anyone who is dependent on it.

I guess, at the end of the day, we can’t make other people make the choices we want them to, so we have to decide whether we want them in our lives, problems and all, or if we walk away and leave them to it. (Yeah, I know - if only it were that simple! )
 
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