After years of bulimia, BDD and general misery I'm in a good place. I own a home and have a dog I adore.
I'm also a big ball of nothing.
When I was younger I got into a lot of debt which I've paid off. Money has always been an issue for me but it was under control. Back in April I left my job as it had made me ill with stress. I was devastated to leave it and am still grieving. I was then offered another job by a friend and I relaxed job searching, but this fell through after 5 weeks of waiting for confirmation. I could have done a lot with the settlement money but as I wound up paying myself a salary from it I have very little left. I've now got a new job thank God, but the future is uncertain and I'm going month by month.
I have no purpose. I'm depressed without having proper depression. I am under psychiatric care but shortly my healthcare finishes and that won't be an option anymore. People keep trying to diagnose me as ADD or peri menopausal or both. I don't know if there is anything which can improve me or if they're pathologising simple character traits, like my inability to relax.
I have run up £4k on my credit card. I've moved it to an interest free one but I feel so ashamed. I cannot see things financially getting any better for me. My friends all earn a lot more money than I do. I'm literally hand to mouth at the moment.
I've put on lots of weight. Food seems to be the only thing I can look forward to. I don't feel positive about anything. Everything I do seems to go wrong. People tease me and say "things just seem to HAPPEN to you" and they do, ridiculous things, which either confuse or scare me, or cost me money.
I have a very good life but I feel so grey. I know what I need to eat to lose weight, I've done it before, so why do I refuse to? Why am I so profligate? It's like I've stopped caring about everything which matters most to me.
I'm very very lucky. I have a loving family and lots of friends. I don't want to kill myself for being fat or ugly anymore but in a way this grey despair is worse as there is no way out.
If anyone can make sense of this I would appreciate it. I can't even put it into words so I doubt it! But thanks for reading
I'm also a big ball of nothing.
When I was younger I got into a lot of debt which I've paid off. Money has always been an issue for me but it was under control. Back in April I left my job as it had made me ill with stress. I was devastated to leave it and am still grieving. I was then offered another job by a friend and I relaxed job searching, but this fell through after 5 weeks of waiting for confirmation. I could have done a lot with the settlement money but as I wound up paying myself a salary from it I have very little left. I've now got a new job thank God, but the future is uncertain and I'm going month by month.
I have no purpose. I'm depressed without having proper depression. I am under psychiatric care but shortly my healthcare finishes and that won't be an option anymore. People keep trying to diagnose me as ADD or peri menopausal or both. I don't know if there is anything which can improve me or if they're pathologising simple character traits, like my inability to relax.
I have run up £4k on my credit card. I've moved it to an interest free one but I feel so ashamed. I cannot see things financially getting any better for me. My friends all earn a lot more money than I do. I'm literally hand to mouth at the moment.
I've put on lots of weight. Food seems to be the only thing I can look forward to. I don't feel positive about anything. Everything I do seems to go wrong. People tease me and say "things just seem to HAPPEN to you" and they do, ridiculous things, which either confuse or scare me, or cost me money.
I have a very good life but I feel so grey. I know what I need to eat to lose weight, I've done it before, so why do I refuse to? Why am I so profligate? It's like I've stopped caring about everything which matters most to me.
I'm very very lucky. I have a loving family and lots of friends. I don't want to kill myself for being fat or ugly anymore but in a way this grey despair is worse as there is no way out.
If anyone can make sense of this I would appreciate it. I can't even put it into words so I doubt it! But thanks for reading
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