I'm a big ball of nothing

New to Tattle Life? Click "Order Thread by Most Liked Posts" button below to get an idea of what the site is about:
After years of bulimia, BDD and general misery I'm in a good place. I own a home and have a dog I adore.

I'm also a big ball of nothing.

When I was younger I got into a lot of debt which I've paid off. Money has always been an issue for me but it was under control. Back in April I left my job as it had made me ill with stress. I was devastated to leave it and am still grieving. I was then offered another job by a friend and I relaxed job searching, but this fell through after 5 weeks of waiting for confirmation. I could have done a lot with the settlement money but as I wound up paying myself a salary from it I have very little left. I've now got a new job thank God, but the future is uncertain and I'm going month by month.

I have no purpose. I'm depressed without having proper depression. I am under psychiatric care but shortly my healthcare finishes and that won't be an option anymore. People keep trying to diagnose me as ADD or peri menopausal or both. I don't know if there is anything which can improve me or if they're pathologising simple character traits, like my inability to relax.

I have run up £4k on my credit card. I've moved it to an interest free one but I feel so ashamed. I cannot see things financially getting any better for me. My friends all earn a lot more money than I do. I'm literally hand to mouth at the moment.

I've put on lots of weight. Food seems to be the only thing I can look forward to. I don't feel positive about anything. Everything I do seems to go wrong. People tease me and say "things just seem to HAPPEN to you" and they do, ridiculous things, which either confuse or scare me, or cost me money.

I have a very good life but I feel so grey. I know what I need to eat to lose weight, I've done it before, so why do I refuse to? Why am I so profligate? It's like I've stopped caring about everything which matters most to me.

I'm very very lucky. I have a loving family and lots of friends. I don't want to kill myself for being fat or ugly anymore but in a way this grey despair is worse as there is no way out.

If anyone can make sense of this I would appreciate it. I can't even put it into words so I doubt it! But thanks for reading
 
Last edited:
  • Heart
Reactions: 4
Well, you sound like someone who is able to get out of bad situations - debt, stressful job, eating disorders: you got out of it. No mean feast!

Also, it seems you have a lot going for you: many friends, a loving family, a home, a career. That's more than other people accomplish.

And you also seem to have identified what you are lacking: purpose.

What is purpose for you? What does the word mean for you? Who do you think has purpose? What would it feel like to have it?

When I think of purpose I think of people like Jane Goodall or Emma Hurst (Australian politician), I want to think of more people but none come to mind right now. This psychologist Julie Smith who wrote "Why has nobody told me this before" has purpose. Have you read her book?

Could you find a role model you could model yourself after?

I can empathise with you, I am very busy right now, but feel I lack purpose. I don't enjoy what I am doing, it causes me a lot of stress and stops me from going on holidays and it consumes mots of my evenings.
I would love to have a bigger purpose, something that is not linked to job or partner or friends. I think I would be more fulfilled.

Oh, and things go wrong for me also! I think the phrase "perfect storm of catastrophic events" was coined for me!
 
  • Heart
  • Like
Reactions: 6
Thanks so much for your lovely post. I've ordered your book from the library.

I used to get very down for not having a partner, children, etc. When I got my little dog, it hit me that I'd found my purpose - to be a dog mummy - and I felt such peace and contentment. So perhaps I just need to get a permanent job where I feel important to get that feeling of professional purpose back.

I think I'm struggling particularly because I don't know if there's something I can "do" to improve how I feel, ie take HRT or ADD medication, and push for diagnoses, or if this is just a normal way for someone to feel.
 
Last edited:
Yes, I can understand feeling down because of not having a family. But many women are at a loss when the partner leaves or the children leave the home. It is not good to tie your purpose to another person.

I would also not recommend searching for purpose in a job - what if the company goes bust or the job becomes redundant?
Maybe a profession can provide purpose, a profession that is more holistic than a job.

To me it sounds as if you are unfulfilled. Rather than taking medication why don't you take time to see if you can find fulfilment, and if you still feel like this in a few months you can still push for a diagnosis and get medication.

Is there anything you are really passionate about? Something that could interest you for years to come?

You seem to be very intelligent, maybe a bit self-sabotaging? Could you work with a coach?
 
  • Heart
Reactions: 2
Thank you so much for your kind reply. The last few weeks have been challenging and I've swrved this thread to be honest, but something you said has stuck with me, and that's about being unfulfilled. I really am, and I know what to do about that.

I've also started being a bit more careful with what I eat rather than binging and purging, because it DOES feel better.

I very much appreciate the time you took to reply and apologise for my self absorbed blurt!
 
  • Heart
  • Like
Reactions: 4