I think I regret changing my name after marriage

[Giggling Squid]

I got married earlier this year, and never really thought twice about changing my surname to my husband’s.

A few months in, it’s changed in most places but the longer I live with my new name the more I miss my old one. I love the name, it just doesn’t feel like my name. I feel like without my old name I’m not me any more, and I don’t really like that thought.

Is this normal? Have other people felt like this?

I’ve mentioned it to my husband but his response was just “you’ll get used to it..” he has also said he was surprised I didn’t think twice about changing it which makes me feel even more confused.
Do I have any options? How easy would to change my name from e.g. Mrs Squid to Mrs Octopus Squid?

 

[Rxt156]

Oohhhhh this is interesting. I feel like a name is more than just a name. It’s your identity. If you want to have both names then you should do it.

Iam getting married this year and I feel the same. I thought about just adding his surname onto mine so I’d be Mrs X-Y instead of Miss X. I think I prefer that. None wrong with it. I’ve had my name 30 years is happily keep it altogether tbh but can’t imagine that’d go down well

 

[RowdyRita]

You can change your name very easily with a solicitors help, or even by doing the forms yourself and getting a solicitor to sign it. It’s about £90 to change name through the solicitor and to get another solicitor to sign it or £5 for solicitors to sign it as a witness if you do the forms yourself.

 

[TheDuchess]

If you want to change your name back or hyphenate then go for it. Sure you might have to do more admin to make that change but you may be much happier with that choice and not spend the rest of your life with a name that isn’t making you happy.

I refused to change my surname when my husband proposed, my husband was like I never expected you to change it in the first place he always just assumed that I would always keep my name.

it wouldn’t have felt right for me (obviously not many women choose to do it) I did have points where I was worried what would people think etc as it really bucks the norm but 8 years later I can hands down say it was 100% the right decision for me.

Other people have commented but their opinions don’t matter one bit at the end of the day. You should see their faces when they realise our daughter has my surname as well that really messes with their minds haha I just tell them it’s 2022 not the dark ages.

 

[justhavinganoseynow]

I changed my name to my OH and my kids name via deed poll when I was pregnant with my 2nd. I took to it naturally tbh and my birth surname sounds weird to me now. In some ways I do regret it though as it kind of negated the need to get married. If we split I don’t know what I’d do. After all we aren’t married but it is still my 3 kids surname.

 

[maytoseptember]

This isn’t a helpful response because I don’t want to make you feel bad, but what you said is exactly why I didn’t change my name. I didn’t want to lose it.

Of course it can be a pain in the arse, such as being asked “Is that Miss or Mrs?” and having to reply “neither” (I use Ms), and having family members who either don’t agree with it or act confused that they don’t know what your name is (it’s the same name I’ve always had… it’s really easy!). Or schools, who get a bit flustered because it’s easier for them to call you Mrs Kidsname.

Tell you what though, people say it’ll bother you/your kids to have different surnames and my kids aren’t bothered at all

 

[Kim Mild]

A school friend of mine got married in her late 30s and took her husband's name , but kind of never used it until her baby was born . She hasn't change her passport, and still pretty much referred to herself as her maiden name . She couldn't get used to herself with a different name Although her husband has a bit of a crap name.

@Giggling Squid you can use your maiden name unofficially like a 'known as 'name. You may find some people still calm you by your maiden name despite being married.
Changing your name by deed poll is relatively inexpensive and straightforward. You could change back or double barrel it .

 

[WhatABore]

I got married earlier this year, and never really thought twice about changing my surname to my husband’s.

A few months in, it’s changed in most places but the longer I live with my new name the more I miss my old one. I love the name, it just doesn’t feel like my name. I feel like without my old name I’m not me any more, and I don’t really like that thought.

Is this normal? Have other people felt like this?

I’ve mentioned it to my husband but his response was just “you’ll get used to it..” he has also said he was surprised I didn’t think twice about changing it which makes me feel even more confused.
Do I have any options? How easy would to change my name from e.g. Mrs Squid to Mrs Octopus Squid?

You can change your name by deed poll. It's around £40
I've changed mine to my partners even though we're not married so that I'm the same as the kids

 

[cee-bee]

I changed my name to my OH and my kids name via deed poll when I was pregnant with my 2nd. I took to it naturally tbh and my birth surname sounds weird to me now. In some ways I do regret it though as it kind of negated the need to get married. If we split I don’t know what I’d do. After all we aren’t married but it is still my 3 kids surname.

it definitely doesn’t negate the need to get married. Marriage offers you a ton of financial protection in the event that you split with your partner or worse. Marriage is more than a name change. Unless you’re wealthy in your own right, having children hasn’t impacted on your career and on the assumption that your partner isn’t wildly reckless with money, I’d seriously reconsider the pros and cons of marriage.

you say that you regret it which makes me think you do want to get married? Which is perfectly valid without all of the legal and financial stuff anyway. You’ve given your partner three children so it’s not unreasonable to want the commitment/romance of a marriage.

on the topic of name changing… I feel like my name is part of my identity too but equally, I’m not close with my parents. I didn’t have a happy childhood and have distanced myself completely. I see a name change as a chance at a new start, but it’s a bit daunting. Interested to hear if anyone else has had a similar experience

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

I’m taking my fiancés name when we get married, but I have 0 ties to my current name. None of my immediate family have this name, it’s just me and I’ll be happy to finally have a name that I can share with others.

My name now is hard to spell and a bit odd and my fiancés name is the same actually, a bit of a weird name that no one can spell! So I don’t win either way on that front!

Use whichever name you prefer, it’s your choice.

 

[cee-bee]

Q to the ladies who’ve changed their name - do you get charged to update your passport with your new name?

 

[WhatABore]

Q to the ladies who’ve changed their name - do you get charged to update your passport with your new name?

Yup. Full price unfortunately

 

[cee-bee]

Yup. Full price unfortunately

what! That’s so sexist! Men traditionally have never changed their surname, so charging newly married women feels a bit like penalising one sex/gender over another. Like another tampontax.

 

[Rxt156]

Yup. Full price unfortunately

Didn’t know that. Shocking lol (and probs a 5 month wait based on the passport office issues at the moment!)

 

[Megansnarkle]

what! That’s so sexist! Men traditionally have never changed their surname, so charging newly married women feels a bit like penalising one sex/gender over another. Like another tampontax.

You don't have to pay it. Just make sure you book travel in your maiden name until it expires. That's what I'm doing. Got married three years ago and mine doesn't expire until 2026. Not paying to have a chappy blue UK one until I have to.

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

Q to the ladies who’ve changed their name - do you get charged to update your passport with your new name?

Yeah because you need a whole new passport issuing.

You don’t have to change your passport though, you can keep travelling in your maiden name.

 

[HoGi]

I still think of myself as my maiden name even though I have been married 8 years.

I will always be a X. I have a lot of the family personality traits and "look". And if I'm saying oull yourself together HoGi I will use my maiden name.

That being said I like having my married name too.

Both names are awkwardly spelt which is annoying.

 

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

I changed mine and at the time was honestly glad to get rid of it because I was really badly bullied whilst I was at school, including using my name to rhyme with something. Changing my name felt like I was shedding the feeling of being ugly, small and not good enough. I could just be 'me', a clean slate.

However, as someone above says, when I'm telling myself to get a grip I always use a shortened version of my maiden name (I'm so glad I'm not the only one who does this by the way!).

I'm getting divorced now and I think I've settled on keeping my married name because it's the same as my children. Deep down though I think I'd like to reclaim my maiden name as I don't really want my identity to be linked with my ex. Weird really given how relieved I was to stop using it years ago.

 

[HoGi]

However, as someone above says, when I'm telling myself to get a grip I always use a shortened version of my maiden name (I'm so glad I'm not the only one who does this by the way!).

Got to love a little pep talk to yourself!

 

[DCICassieStuart]

I didn't change mine. I've never regretted it. A lot of people wouldn't have a clue what my married name is. One of my neighbours thought we were Mr and Mrs Mysurname.
He seemed quite confused when he discovered the truth