I love my boyfriend, he just likes me

[Bleurghgram]

Hey everyone

I love my boyfriend while he just likes me. This is a fact, we’ve openly discussed it. We’ve been together for about 9 months and spent lockdown apart. I know love that takes time and even though his feelings are developing slower than mine he has still chosen me, but it does make me feel insecure about our relationship, like he holds all the power.

I know I’m opening myself up to being told I should leave him but this wouldn’t be helpful to me, so I’m not looking so much for advice but rather to hear other people’s experiences.

Has anyone been in a relationship where it felt like there was an imbalance? How did you deal with it emotionally? Did it work out?

Thanks

 

[BettyCrocker]

What on Earth?!

Why are you wasting time on someone who has told you they don’t love you??! If he likes you that would great if you were just platonic friends are were both on the same page - but you cannot be in a real romantic relationship if he just “likes” you. I honestly don’t think his feelings are going to just magically develop in time. Sometimes you fall for someone and for whatever reason the other person just doesn’t feel the same way, but please don’t settle for this. A Real relationship between two people who are deeply in Love with eachother is one of the most incredible experiences a person can have and you are doing yourself a huge disservice if you think you should be with a guy who only “likes” you. You deserve more than that.

 

[EmaE]

Think your looking for answers /advice your not going to get to justify staying in the relationship, you love him he likes you , you can’t & wont change how he feels, no matter how much you hold on in hope , you deserve more

 

[Apple In My Pie]

You deserve so much better, honey. Don’t waste your time in a relationship built on ‘liking’.

 

[Whaaaaat]

So many things in this life are mediocre. No one should settle for that in their relationship.

 

[Raininvain]

You're doing yourself a disservice because whilst your with him your not with someone who can be a proper partner by loving you. Honestly you're wasting your time.You know that you cant get anyone to love someone its either there or its not. 9 months is enough time to know,it wont change.

 

[Begborrowsteal]

Lockdown has made things weird but you still had that time before lockdown so id be upset by hearing that. I wouldnt waste my time.

 

[Swipeuptobuy]

It’s awful when you love someone and they don’t feel the same. I think you know the answer is to walk away. Yes it will be hard, and you’ll probably feel completely crap for a while. Don’t be tempted to send late night texts you will come across as needy and will probably give me a warped ego boost.

Go out meet up with friends ....enjoy your new status as a single woman. Just delete him from your phone and social media (otherwise you’ll pour over every post and look at pictures and see things that aren’t there and just upset yourself) take it from one who knows !

Time is a great healer ....and life is so short to sit and see if anything changes. I bet in a few months time you’ll be in a position to say hindsight is a beautiful thing! Good luck x

 

[H8Ellie]

I started talking to my boyfriend in January of this year and made things official in February - we also spent lockdown apart as I live with my Mum and although my boyfriend has his own place it was too soon to live together but I must say myself and my boyfriend as so in love and lockdown made me love him more as it made me appreciate the time we had together more.

Never settle for less than you deserve x

 

[Yoghurtpots]

Perhaps you love the thrill of the chase and the fact that he wont commit to you? Would a guy loving you make him seem a little bit needy? I would suggest working on why you have fallen for a guy who doesn't feel the same and address that. Work on your self confidence and self worth and find someone who loves you. Accept being loved. Don't waste your life on this bloke.

Edit to add: I was in your situation, he had just come out of a kiddy 'relationship' and I was 16 and just fell for him. He initially didn't feel the same way. 3 years I think we was casual for. It was CRUSHING. We are married now with 3 children, 16 years later. He obviously loves me now (he in fact could not live without me!)but I am still bitter about it and annoyed with myself about it if I sit and think about it. I wouldn't recommend it or necessarily call it an inspirational happy ending as we are married. Teenage me deserved to be chased, wined and dined. So do you.

 

[Gmail]

Is he generally quite a cautious person? Has he been in a very intense relationship before and therefore reluctant to commit again? Or is it that he enjoys the power imbalance in some way?
It’s easy to say cut and run, he doesn’t love you, life’s too short but with a little more background maybe someone can give you a different perspective?

 

[Platypusfattypus]

My now husband fell in love before I did, but I was coming out of a really crappy relationship so was very cautious. But I always had feelings for him.

 

[elliealien]

I have settled in the past and I regret it now (although it did make me learn what i didn't want and how i shouldn't have to settle). You deserve to be with someone who returns your love. BUT, it might save you heartache in the long run if you break up. Take a look at your self-esteem, does being with someone who doesn't love you back make you feel satisified? Trust me there will and there are so many people who you can have a better connection with. Also he isn't a bad person to not love you back, I would actually be glad that he is being honest and not stringing you along. Most people are at different stages in life, everyone has a different upbringing, family, experience, ideas about relationships/commitment etc, so it's quite normal to not meet the "right person" straight away. From my past experiences with this, I can only see my low self-esteem issues by settling/accepting the way I thought I deserved to be treated (not being loved back/treated properly). Work on yourself and your self-worth and it will help you in the future!

 

[Kandy floss]

Is this just he doesn’t feel in that place yet, or he feels like it’s not going to happen? Cause there’s a huge difference if he’s just not quite feeling it yet/being cautious and stringing you along and will never have those feelings

My partner now never said he didn’t feel the same about me but at the beginning I feel like I was way more into him just from how he was to me/around me. Now we definitely feel the same, if anything he’s just slightly more clingy/needy than me nowadays

 

[Pixipoppy]

What was the actual conversation? You told him you love him and he just said “I only like you?” Or is it more than he doesn’t feel ready to say it yet but it is going that way. My boyfriend and I didn’t say the L word until we’d been together officially for 6 months and unofficially for 8 so I get it can take people some time to get to that point.

 

[Am49704]

I have been with my partner for 6 years now lived together for 5 and we have a fantastic relationship. I told him i loved him first, he didn't tell me until we had been together around 9 months. This was due to the fact he had been in a long term relationship before and he wanted to make sure this was for life before he told me. At the time I did feel a bit down about it but I totally understand his reasons and I'm glad he done it as it made me realise he truly did want the relationship. Maybe your partner has been through something similar and is cautious to say it.

 

[Upintheair83]

I’m always an optimist but huni, know your worth. Life is just too precious to stay with someone who just likes you! Save yourself the heartache of having anymore ties with him that will only come undone. I wish I could give you a cuddle and tell you just how enough you are.
Please do yourself the justice that you deserve, it’s refreshing he’s been honest with you but that’s the only good thing I can say in this situation. You really need to move on from him and find some proper happiness

 

[SqualorVictoria]

I think we need more detail before advising

What was the context of the conversation? Did you tell him you loved him and did he reply "well I only like you" or is it that neither of you have said the L word and he just says he likes you?

Personally I think the L word can be bandied about a lot so it really depends on the situation

Also, actions speak louder than words. Are his actions towards you that of someone who just likes you?

 

[Oohthedrama]

9 months.
how long are you willing to wait for him to fall in love with you if he hasn’t in 9 months.

it shouldn’t be that much of a struggle.
Lockdown should have confirmed feelings for you both.
If he’s still in some kind of relationship limbo after that time apart, do you really want that type of relationship?

 

[Bleurghgram]

Some hard responses to read here, the truth does hurt! Thank you so much for your support and honesty

It’s so hard to sum up our relationship in this way but to answer a few of your questions, yes he’s been very badly hurt and has been open about the impact it’s had on him. He went through a long period of depression when the relationship broke down, now he’s very closed emotionally and has been honest about how scared he is to fully commit to someone again.

I didn’t tell him I loved him hoping to hear it back. We were having a discussion after an argument and I said I think the trouble with our relationship is that I love him and he only likes me, so he didn’t exactly come out and say it but also didn’t disagree with my assessment, he said I was his favourite person and he wants to be with me.

He really isn’t a bad guy and in a lot of ways we have the perfect relationship but you’re all right that I deserve someone who doesn’t have any doubts.