Husband has shown an interest in inviting men/threesomes into our marriage.

[SkinkaareFan]

I have a weird situation and I don't know what to do or say.

So my husband and I have been together 10 years, never been with anyone else and I thought he was 100% straight. A few nights ago we were talking and he said he wants to have a threesome with 2 of my swinger friends boyfriends? Not the women. Men.

I have no problem with anyone being gay or anything like that but it's come out of nowhere and now I don't know if he's gay or what?

I guess I'm just after some advice?

Also sorry if this is too sexual for Tattle, if that's the case then I'm sorry and admin please delete it. Thanks!

 

[Fudgecakes]

Would be want you to be there as well? Or just him and the two other men?

 

[Mrs Cucumber]

Personally I'd be there stripped and waiting before my husband finished the sentence

But if that's not your thing, your worried or just don't feel right with it, say no. Does seem a bit odd for him to suddenly want this, anything else changed?

 

[SkinkaareFan]

Would be want you to be there as well? Or just him and the two other men?

No, just him and the men!!

Personally I'd be there stripped and waiting before my husband finished the sentence

But if that's not your thing, your worried or just don't feel right with it, say no. Does seem a bit odd for him to suddenly want this, anything else changed?

I've not noticed any changes, everything is literally the same. I don't know if just wanting an experience or what? But he doesn't even want me there so whether I say no or not it's not really down to me? Or is it? I don't even know. I had hoped he was going to tell me he was joking but he still hasn't and I don't want to mention it again and hope it's forgotten about but I feel like it's not something I can just ignore? Like, it'll always be in my head now that he'd rather be with men and what does that say about me?

As far as I know he doesn't watch porn, any porn. I view it as sort of cheating and not something I enjoy or would want him watching so maybe that's why? I'm not a prude at all, I'm just alot more sensitive and reserved, I think.

Since he said, we've just carried on like nothing was said but it's eating me up inside. I haven't been able to sleep because I'm thinking of all possibilities and scenarios.

 

[LittleMy]

Sounds to me (from what you’ve said) like he wants to have his cake and eat it. Your husband wants to have a threesome with two other men, without you? Sounds like he wants permission to cheat and also there is some question of his sexuality. It absolutely has everything to do with you, it all depends on what you think of it all. What are your thoughts?

 

[SkinkaareFan]

Sounds to me (from what you’ve said) like he wants to have his cake and eat it. Your husband wants to have a threesome with two other men, without you? Sounds like he wants permission to cheat and also there is some question of his sexuality. It absolutely has everything to do with you, it all depends on what you think of it all. What are your thoughts?

I don't know. I think he needs to figure out if he's attracted to men and if he wants to be with me but if it's something that he goes ahead with I don't think I'd be able to stay. Luckily we don't have any children but as he's my first relationship then I don't know if I'd be able to let go? The thought absolutely terrifies me.

I don't want to sound crude here but there's been quite a few times over the years that he's tried to get me to let him give me anal but it's not something I was ever interested in doing and said no. Maybe if I had said yes then we wouldn't in this situation?

 

[Agent of chaos]

What would he say if you had suggested YOU wanted a threesome without him?

 

[Raven_nevermore]

Don’t blame yourself. Straight guys like anal and don’t decide to duck other men down the line so it doesn’t have anything to do with you. Has he ever been with anyone else man or woman? It sounds like he got married before he figured himself out and he’s asking for permission to cheat on you. I wouldn’t be ok with it one bit. Don’t like him manipulate you into thinking your the prude or uptight one. Most people wouldn’t be ok with this. Personally this would probably mean the relationship to me would be over or have to be re-evaluated. At least there are no kids

Don’t let him ***

 

[Apple In My Pie]

I agree with a PP he’s trying to have his cake and eat it. If he doesn’t want you there that’s alarm bells imo because you would think, at the least, he would want to pleasure you or see you getting pleasured, but if this is a male threesome there is some questioning of his sexuality coming into it. It doesn’t have anything to do with you not giving him anal, if it was JUST about the anal i think he’d be pestering you (or at least going off with another woman for anal - not a man). It sounds like he’s either questioning or has come to terms with his sexuality. That happens, he may be bisexual he may be gay but he shouldn’t be working through this at your expense by basically cheating on you!

Please don’t blame yourself. Don’t stay for him if you feel like you have to settle either! I don’t have much practical advice but if it was me I would have to end it too, I would always have that worry that he’d be behind my back shagging. Permission or not.

 

[LittleMy]

I’m sorry, I know it’s not the answer you were hoping for, but it sounds like he is gay. At a push, bisexual, but the fact that he wants a threesome with other men without you there makes me think that it’s the former not the latter. I think you need to speak to him and get to the truth of the matter before it eats away at you completely, and as a previous poster said, don’t allow him to turn it around on you or make you feel like a prude. You not wanting to partake in certain sex acts doesn’t mean that you pushed him towards this, it was probably always going to happen and isn’t your fault. I really feel for you, this can’t be easy.

 

[LaurieLaurie]

You can only know by talking to him.
Edit: Just read your further replies. He doesn’t want you involved? That would be the end for me, regardless of anyone’s gender.

 

[Fudgecakes]

I’m a little bit stumped with what to say! If my partner said he wanted to experiment with other men, and for me to be there as well, then okay I could deal with that. But if he wants to do it without you, it sounds very much like he just wants permission to cheat. As other posters have said. I think it’s okay to question your sexuality or to want to experiment, but your significant other should be included in that too

 

[hrh89]

If he doesn’t want you involved then I think that says it all really? He’s clearly not straight, maybe bisexual maybe gay, either way he’s asking to sleep with other people ? Sorry you are going through this but I think the answer is clear really I would say the relationship is over if he’s wanting sex without you involved. Also do not blame yourself for not wanting anal! Even if you’d done it I doubt the outcome would be any different as he seems to want that intimacy with a man anyway and you should never feel like you have to do anything just to please a partner! I hope you can find a way to be happy yourself as this is a horrible situation

 

[Platypusfattypus]

To be honest the thing that would upset me more would be that he wanted a threesome without me. That's for me an unacceptable line.

Also please don't blame yourself for not doing a sex act you didn't feel comfortable with. We all have our boundaries and our partners should respect those without any resentment. You are not responsible for his behaviour.

I hope you get it sorted x

 

[Londoncailín]

Slightly different but, thought I’d add this anyways. My ex partner always had a fantasy of having a threesome with him, me and another guy. I made this fantasy a reality for him as a birthday gift one year (whatever happened to socks and pants for your birthday ) Anyways, it all went smoothly etc and I did enjoy it (other guy was hot) However, it opened a can of worms. He wanted it more and more and any time we had sex, all he fantasised about was me and other guys. It ruined our sex life. I got so bored of the same talk over and over, despite telling him to stop.

 

[SkinkaareFan]

I have no idea how he'd feel if it was the other way around. He makes jokes about me and other women so I think he'd want some part of it?

We were both each others first everything. Ive been thinking I made him marry me when he didn't want to? What if he went along with it to not hurt me?

I don't want to give up on us but at the same time I don't want to stop him doing what he wants just not cheating. It's confusing and frustrating all in one. If he's gay or wants to explore that then i absolutely don't want to stop that as its not fair for someone not able to be themselves but I don't want to accept cheating and don't think I should have to but at the same time I don't feel strong enough to let go.

Thank you for all you replies. I think in th next few days I will have to have a conversation with him and see where we're at and what he wants going forward but I dread to think this is the end of our marriage.

Slightly different but, thought I’d add this anyways. My ex partner always had a fantasy of having a threesome with him, me and another guy. I made this fantasy a reality for him as a birthday gift one year (whatever happened to socks and pants for your birthday ) Anyways, it all went smoothly etc and I did enjoy it (other guy was hot) However, it opened a can of worms. He wanted it more and more and any time we had sex, all he fantasised about was me and other guys. It ruined our sex life. I got so bored of the same talk over and over, despite telling him to stop.

I'm sorry to hear this. I know that threesomones can cause problems in some cases and it's not something I've ever wanted or thought about. You're amazing because I don't think I'd cope with it all in any way!

 

[Largeandincharge]

Like others have said sounds to me like he wants permission to cheat.
Maybe he needs to find himself, maybe he is struggling with his sexuality this is normal of course, but please don’t blame yourself.
Speak to him about it and whatever happens was meant to be

 

[Upintheair83]

To be honest the thing that would upset me more would be that he wanted a threesome without me. That's for me an unacceptable line.

Also please don't blame yourself for not doing a sex act you didn't feel comfortable with. We all have our boundaries and our partners should respect those without any resentment. You are not responsible for his behaviour.

I hope you get it sorted x

That would be the same for me- if my partner wanted a sexual experience without me I would be gutted, and I would be extremely uncomfortable about it. I really feel for you because your head must be everywhere right now.
One of my best friends is gay and he tells me how a lot of men who are married come to him for sexual pleasure- that’s all it is, sex. Then they go back to their wives/ girlfriends and lead this double life so to speak. I don’t know if some men just want the experience or if they are gay but can’t come out; I don’t really understand it as i’v never questioned my sexuality. But as someone in a relationship the only advice I can give to you is to talk to him. You can’t keep going over what he said and not talk further about it.
I really hope you get it sorted hun and you are ok xx

 

[Platypusfattypus]

I have no idea how he'd feel if it was the other way around. He makes jokes about me and other women so I think he'd want some part of it?

We were both each others first everything. Ive been thinking I made him marry me when he didn't want to? What if he went along with it to not hurt me?

I don't want to give up on us but at the same time I don't want to stop him doing what he wants just not cheating. It's confusing and frustrating all in one. If he's gay or wants to explore that then i absolutely don't want to stop that as its not fair for someone not able to be themselves but I don't want to accept cheating and don't think I should have to but at the same time I don't feel strong enough to let go.

Thank you for all you replies. I think in th next few days I will have to have a conversation with him and see where we're at and what he wants going forward but I dread to think this is the end of our marriage.



I'm sorry to hear this. I know that threesomones can cause problems in some cases and it's not something I've ever wanted or thought about. You're amazing because I don't think I'd cope with it all in any way!

Again, you didn't make him do anything. Even if he did do it as not to hurt you that is his choosing and his responsibility. I think it's very evident you live him, and that you want him to be happy but you also need to be kind to yourself too and realise this is not your fault x

 

[Suzesnooze]

Do the swinger friends boyfriends have sex with men? Does he know them personally?