How to help a 9yr old who struggles at school

[Onecandream]

Just asking for some advice really for anyone who’s been through this.
My nine year old boy is energetic and struggles to concentrate on some tasks at school. But as he’s getting older they are talking more and more about his behaviour and I want to help him and don’t know how!
it’s hard not to blame yourself!
he Isn’t naughty, I’ve always been quite firm on boundaries etc. I feel like he needs support rather than discipline now.
he’s a bubbly character, polite etc but sometimes is impulsive and loud. They have never mentioned having him assessed for adhd etc but think it’s more immaturity. The more he’s pulled up on his actions tho the more it sends him into a downwards spiral and it affects his concentration even more. He needs alot of praise or he struggles with self esteem.
Any advice would be appreciated, thanks

 

[dancingqueen5678]

I would consider ADHD.
Mostly because kids don’t ever want to misbehave. being pulled up sends him on a downward spiral really stands out for me. I wonder if he doesn’t understand why he’s being pulled up or if he can’t help it and that’s what sending him on the spiral because he’s annoyed and upset that he’s in trouble for something he can’t help and is feeling misunderstood. Also the low self esteem.
What sort of behaviour is he being pulled up on if you don’t mind me asking?
How is he with different types of tasks? So does he struggle to concentrate on homework or cleaning his room but can focus on something like Lego for hours and struggles to regulate his time?

I don’t have kids but I do have autism and ADHD so I hope I can shed some light from my own experiences and childhood

 

[Onecandream]

I would consider ADHD.
Mostly because kids don’t ever want to misbehave. being pulled up sends him on a downward spiral really stands out for me. I wonder if he doesn’t understand why he’s being pulled up or if he can’t help it and that’s what sending him on the spiral because he’s annoyed and upset that he’s in trouble for something he can’t help and is feeling misunderstood. Also the low self esteem.
What sort of behaviour is he being pulled up on if you don’t mind me asking?
How is he with different types of tasks? So does he struggle to concentrate on homework or cleaning his room but can focus on something like Lego for hours and struggles to regulate his time?

I don’t have kids but I do have autism and ADHD so I hope I can shed some light from my own experiences and childhood

Thanks so much for your reply.
The main consensus at school that he’s being pulled up on is impulsiveness, shouting out an answer, leaping across the classroom at times (he does this a lot at home like dives across a room instead of walking or runs up and down the stairs) he doesn’t concentrate very well with writing and rushes his work. But loves art and anything hands on. He likes doing tasks like litter picking and anything ‘helping out’ as he knows he is good at these things. They also said his body language can come across and he has a rude attitude (I think this is in response to when he’s been told his work is not good enough etc)
Homework he struggles with and makes mistakes quite easily. But if I sit with him he’s not too bad. He gets frustrated sometimes and struggles to contain comments like oh I hate this so much or I’m so dumb, etc

what you said about you wonder if he doesn’t know why he’s being pulledup and that’s what’s making him upset makes so much sense to me: alot of the time if I ask why he does something he does say I don’t know and I genuinely believe he doesn’t know, he just does things. He absolutely loves being praised for his good behaviour and I’m not being biased by saying this but he is a lovely lovely child, he isn’t naughty. He can be cheeky, He’s a big character but also very kind and gentle with younger children especially and mostly does as he’s told. He’s also very caring, so when he’s told off all the time, to me it’s because ppl misunderstand him, does that make sense?
With tasks, cleaning his room, no problem, he likes getting physical, anything where he has to think like homework is a struggle, Lego he likes building, he likes anything hands on but is more inclined to play computer games these days or watch you tube which is also another dilemma of do I take that away to see if things improve .

thanks again for replying xx

 

[Caffeine Fiend]

Please do not take away screen time from a child when you are suspecting ADHD. It will not help. Screen time can actually help.

As he doesnt appear to be aware of what he is doing wrong I wouldnt punish him in any way, not that you were suggesting it.

Fidget toys are a great help when concentration is required.

I would consider approaching the GP too and outlining everything youve said here.

 

[Onecandream]

Please do not take away screen time from a child when you are suspecting ADHD. It will not help. Screen time can actually help.

As he doesnt appear to be aware of what he is doing wrong I wouldnt punish him in any way, not that you were suggesting it.

Fidget toys are a great help when concentration is required.

I would consider approaching the GP too and outlining everything youve said here.

Thank you! Yes I’m apprehensive about taking away screen time as I know it’s something that does bring joy to him and like you said he doesn’t appear aware of what he is doing. I’m thinking maybe I set a time limit. He isn't allowed the laptop Monday to Friday to play games but he is allowed to watch you tube on tv which he’s happy with this. This isn’t a punishment by the way just a boundary we have in place because otherwise he wants to play games alllll the time and causes arguments and stress to both of us! On a Friday evening it comes out and Sunday evening goes away.

yes fiddle toys are effective, he has them in the classroom also.

Come to think of it I’m wondering why school haven’t approached me about adhd by now. Are they reluctant to assess?

 

[dancingqueen5678]

I would recommend going on to the Women with ADHD thread on here and having a look at some of the things discussed.
I’ll be honest, it screams ADHD to me. He sounds exactly like me as a kid (although I do have autism as well so some of these overlap a bit) I would shout out answers and get in trouble. I was always in a rush. I would run (Or dance) everywhere. I’m still the same now. If I know I’m going from a to b I’m like a whippet!
The fact that you say he’s fine with “boring” household tasks tells me this is something else and not that he’s a naughty kid! If he was he’d be kicking off about chores etc but it’s the act of sitting still and concentrating with no movement or stimulation that he struggles with. Lego is thinking and moving. Homework is concentration and trying to remember what you learned at school.
I personally wouldn’t remove games/YouTube etc but offer it as an incentive. So if you do this homework you can go on YouTube. I know people say it’s bribery but with adhd, dopamine levels in the brain are naturally lower so we need stimulation to keep it up. I’m doing a degree and I do my work in 10 minute intervals. 10 minutes on, 10 minutes off and the off is me dancing around, listening to music, eating, doing the washing. Something stimulating which is the reward for doing the 10 minute work.
I would also have a look at the YouTube channel “how to ADHD”. It’s got really good scientific explanations of why people with ADHD behave the way they do

 

[Onecandream]

I would recommend going on to the Women with ADHD thread on here and having a look at some of the things discussed.
I’ll be honest, it screams ADHD to me. He sounds exactly like me as a kid (although I do have autism as well so some of these overlap a bit) I would shout out answers and get in trouble. I was always in a rush. I would run (Or dance) everywhere. I’m still the same now. If I know I’m going from a to b I’m like a whippet!
The fact that you say he’s fine with “boring” household tasks tells me this is something else and not that he’s a naughty kid! If he was he’d be kicking off about chores etc but it’s the act of sitting still and concentrating with no movement or stimulation that he struggles with. Lego is thinking and moving. Homework is concentration and trying to remember what you learned at school.
I personally wouldn’t remove games/YouTube etc but offer it as an incentive. So if you do this homework you can go on YouTube. I know people say it’s bribery but with adhd, dopamine levels in the brain are naturally lower so we need stimulation to keep it up. I’m doing a degree and I do my work in 10 minute intervals. 10 minutes on, 10 minutes off and the off is me dancing around, listening to music, eating, doing the washing. Something stimulating which is the reward for doing the 10 minute work.
I would also have a look at the YouTube channel “how to ADHD”. It’s got really good scientific explanations of why people with ADHD behave the way they do

Thanks again. Your replies are really helpful. I have sent an email today expressing my concerns and have arranged a meeting with school and mentioned assessing for adhd. Will check out that YouTube channel too!

 

[dancingqueen5678]

Thanks again. Your replies are really helpful. I have sent an email today expressing my concerns and have arranged a meeting with school and mentioned assessing for adhd. Will check out that YouTube channel too!

I hope the meeting goes well for you and your boy! He sounds like a lovely kid and you sound like you're doing a brilliant job. I hope he gets the support he needs

 

[Onecandream]

I hope the meeting goes well for you and your boy! He sounds like a lovely kid and you sound like you're doing a brilliant job. I hope he gets the support he needs

Thanks so much!

 

[WeepingCassandra]

I’m not sure if you can do this in your area but looking into occupational therapy may be useful too. They can help him with sensory stimulation, techniques to manage impulsiveness and other relevant things. Might need a diagnosis to get in but hopefully not!

 

[judgejohndeed]

Does sound a lot like ADHD but also, is he very bright? Could he be bored and frustrated if he’s calling out answers etc? It’s quite common that children who are above average intelligence aren’t identified because the focus is on their ‘bad behaviour’ but actually if his work is too easy for him he could be understimulated and becoming restless

 

[LennyBriscoe]

I don’t have any experience of parenting a 9-year-old but I just wanted to say please don’t blame yourself! It’s easy for me to say that but you’re obviously a good mum. All the best in getting to the root of it

 

[Onecandream]

I don’t have any experience of parenting a 9-year-old but I just wanted to say please don’t blame yourself! It’s easy for me to say that but you’re obviously a good mum. All the best in getting to the root of it

Thank you. My initial thought was what have I done/not done as a parent but I’m now accepting that it’s not my fault! X

Does sound a lot like ADHD but also, is he very bright? Could he be bored and frustrated if he’s calling out answers etc? It’s quite common that children who are above average intelligence aren’t identified because the focus is on their ‘bad behaviour’ but actually if his work is too easy for him he could be understimulated and becoming restless

I don’t think it’s because he’s under stimulated. I think his learning style is very hands on and practical. I will mention this is the meeting though. Thanks x

I’m not sure if you can do this in your area but looking into occupational therapy may be useful too. They can help him with sensory stimulation, techniques to manage impulsiveness and other relevant things. Might need a diagnosis to get in but hopefully not!

Thanks, I’ll look into it! X

 

[wakametango 2.0]

Come to think of it I’m wondering why school haven’t approached me about adhd by now. Are they reluctant to assess?

I haven’t got to the end of the thread just yet but I wanted to put my 2 pence worth in. I’ve been a teacher for 14 years and we don’t assess in schools. An educational physiologist would be the one who assesses. Teachers do have an idea of what some children may have but we do not go round telling parents what we think, it just isn’t our job to observe and diagnose children. it could cause unnecessary stress and confusion.
Does he have an learning support plan as you mentioned he has fidget toys in school?
Schools have to put lots of things in place before applying for a referral to show that they have tried otherwise the borough will turn round and say we haven’t tried hard enough. It can be a long road to get a diagnoses but keep pushing for him x

 

[Onecandream]

I haven’t got to the end of the thread just yet but I wanted to put my 2 pence worth in. I’ve been a teacher for 14 years and we don’t assess in schools. An educational physiologist would be the one who assesses. Teachers do have an idea of what some children may have but we do not go round telling parents what we think, it just isn’t our job to observe and diagnose children. it could cause unnecessary stress and confusion.
Does he have an learning support plan as you mentioned he has fidget toys in school?
Schools have to put lots of things in place before applying for a referral to show that they have tried otherwise the borough will turn round and say we haven’t tried hard enough. It can be a long road to get a diagnoses but keep pushing for him x

Hello. Thanks for the advice. Nice to hear from a teacher point of view. He doesn’t have a learning support plan and they’ve never mentioned the fiddle toys/wobbly cushion to me. Only my son has told me he has these things. He started having them in year one and is now in year five. I figured the teachers know what they’re doing and recognised he needed them. The teachers seem to be really on board with me suggesting a meeting anyway so hopefully we can get the ball rolling. Maybe they’ve been waiting for me to mention something all along but I just thought he was young and would mature. Kind of wish I’d mentioned something earlier (mum guilt) but I feel like I was giving him the benefit of the doubt and allowing him to be him and mature at his pace rather than thinking there was something ‘wrong/different’ xx

 

[wakametango 2.0]

Hello. Thanks for the advice. Nice to hear from a teacher point of view. He doesn’t have a learning support plan and they’ve never mentioned the fiddle toys/wobbly cushion to me. Only my son has told me he has these things. He started having them in year one and is now in year five. I figured the teachers know what they’re doing and recognised he needed them. The teachers seem to be really on board with me suggesting a meeting anyway so hopefully we can get the ball rolling. Maybe they’ve been waiting for me to mention something all along but I just thought he was young and would mature. Kind of wish I’d mentioned something earlier (mum guilt) but I feel like I was giving him the benefit of the doubt and allowing him to be him and mature at his pace rather than thinking there was something ‘wrong/different’ xx

Yes sometimes it can be a relief when parents bring something up as we only go at the parents rate, if we feel they’re in denial then we wouldn’t push very hard until they’ve accepted their child needs help.
The teachers recognise that he needs support in class but it hasn’t been logged anywhere? Ask to speak to the schools SEN (Special Educational Needs Co-Ordinator) after meeting the teacher. I’m rusty as I’m on MAT leave but sure it’s a LSP (Learning Support Plan. Used to be called an ILP- Individual Learning Plan)
You’ll want him to be supported into secondary school too so if it’s recorded with a plan it’ll be a smooth transition for him. Secondary school is bigger and he’ll be in lessons with over 5 teachers who may have different strategies to help him in class but he’ll need consistency and support from all of them so if there’s a plan in place then for example, at least he can have the fidget toy in each lesson.
Hope that all makes sense but ultimately you want it recorded somewhere so his move to Y6 and Y7 are a smooth as can be for him and you’ll have more input and communication with the school around his behaviour and needs.
Unfortunately because of budget cuts it may be a long road until you get a him seen by anyone outside of school and a diagnosis but the stage it about getting it recorded so all staff know what he needs.
And don’t feel guilty, really the school should have led you in this
Hope I’ve not been too pushy x

 

[Onecandream]

Yes sometimes it can be a relief when parents bring something up as we only go at the parents rate, if we feel they’re in denial then we wouldn’t push very hard until they’ve accepted their child needs help.
The teachers recognise that he needs support in class but it hasn’t been logged anywhere? Ask to speak to the schools SEN (Special Educational Needs Co-Ordinator) after meeting the teacher. I’m rusty as I’m on MAT leave but sure it’s a LSP (Learning Support Plan. Used to be called an ILP- Individual Learning Plan)
You’ll want him to be supported into secondary school too so if it’s recorded with a plan it’ll be a smooth transition for him. Secondary school is bigger and he’ll be in lessons with over 5 teachers who may have different strategies to help him in class but he’ll need consistency and support from all of them so if there’s a plan in place then for example, at least he can have the fidget toy in each lesson.
Hope that all makes sense but ultimately you want it recorded somewhere so his move to Y6 and Y7 are a smooth as can be for him and you’ll have more input and communication with the school around his behaviour and needs.
Unfortunately because of budget cuts it may be a long road until you get a him seen by anyone outside of school and a diagnosis but the stage it about getting it recorded so all staff know what he needs.
And don’t feel guilty, really the school should have led you in this
Hope I’ve not been too pushy x

Not pushy at all. Thanks so much! I definitely want to get a plan in place. Makes loads of sense. Thanks again xx