How to fit it in when you have kids?

[Practically Perfect]

I have one - we were not doing anything but..... we were all playing toy fighting on a sunday morning and I had a hole in the knee of my PJs and the then husband ripped them to the top. No biggy. A few hours later i was upset about something and he was comforting me, again no biggy.

The next morning at nursery the teacher asked my eldest (she was 3, now 28) if she had had a nice weekend to which she replied loudly
" My daddy ripped my mummy's pants off and made her cry" The more I tried to explain the bigger the hole I dug.

Another occasion she gleefully told her grandma (my mother in law) that mummy and daddy were fighting in the shower (cubicle) and mummy broke the door.

Ahhh kids.

 

[Itsallaboutmememe]

We’d just got down to do the dirty when my daughters dog ran into the room and jumped up on my partners back
And then said daughter (at the time aged 18) came wandering in to find the dog!
Then for some reason sat at the end of the bed for a chat!
She killed that one dead

Another time we got down to it at about 1am thinking they where asleep
We’d just finished the deed when we heard a noise
Both froze-thinking it was either a burglar or a ghost
Nope-my son had got out of bed for a pee-somehow while half asleep had crawled under our bed and crashed out
We’d shagged on top of him...

 

[judsmum]

We thought our son slept like a log and were safe in the knowledge that our ‘activities’ were secret. Until recently when he said a boy at school had been talking about sex. He’s 8. I casually answered his questions in an age appropriate and informative manner. He then stated ‘well at least I know what those noises are at night now’

 

[Riggs]

I have one - we were not doing anything but..... we were all playing toy fighting on a sunday morning and I had a hole in the knee of my PJs and the then husband ripped them to the top. No biggy. A few hours later i was upset about something and he was comforting me, again no biggy.

The next morning at nursery the teacher asked my eldest (she was 3, now 28) if she had had a nice weekend to which she replied loudly
" My daddy ripped my mummy's pants off and made her cry" The more I tried to explain the bigger the hole I dug.

Another occasion she gleefully told her grandma (my mother in law) that mummy and daddy were fighting in the shower (cubicle) and mummy broke the door.

Ahhh kids.

The innocent things that kids make sound seedy.

My wife once told her mum that she wasnt feeling well and asked if she could pick the girls up from school, really she wanted me to finish early from work so we could spend the afternoon together. However later that afternoon we were on the sofa together and her mum out of nowhere comes wandering into the room with some soup (I hadnt locked the front door).

I was underneath the blanket and couldnt move an inch while she had to explain to her mum she had fell asleep naked on the sofa (hence why she looked all hot and bothered) and had a fever. When her mum asked why my car was on the drive she had to say I hadnt been well either and had finished early and I was actually in the shower getting ready to come and pick kids up from her. Then from under the covers I had to turn the lights on upstairs in different rooms from my app to make believe someone was up there so her mum didnt hang around.

 

[Riggs]

Had an awkward moment this morning when our eldest was searching for some batteries for their TV remote. Instead of searching in the drawer downstairs where they are usually kept it seems they may have decided they couldnt be bothered to head down there and we think they have started searching through the drawers in our room while we were out.

Most people have questionable things in the drawer closest to their bed but seem as though my wife used to test for Lovehoney (as stated elsewhere) she has a larger than most variation of things in her bedside drawer. We know the layout of the drawer (so we arent fumbling around for things in the dark) and things seem to have been moved around. Now there is that awkward situation where no-one has said anything about it and no-one has brought it up.

Nothing is safe anywhere these days, going to have to get a combination safe next to the bed at this rate.

 

[Ekkwhine]

My 4 year old had obviously been in our room one day last week as her barbie dolls were wearing condom rain hats.

My son (7) fired a “cannon” at my friend when she visited for the first time that was actually a tampax compact.

We once caught them playing “crinimal and pleece occifer” with novelty fur trimmed handcuffs.

We’ve installed high shelves now.

 

[Riggs]

The neighbors are an older couple so hopefully a bit hard of hearing and I do know they don't use the bedroom that's joined in to ours.

Well that would be a bonus on both counts at least. We can regularly hear our neighbours going at it and while we are happy they also have an active sex life it can be pretty off putting when you can hear it when you are trying to be intimate

There is possibly some small vending machine novelty items in the bedside drawer but the main collection is defo locked up there is no way I want to be explaining that.

As in the kind from toilet vending machines? Harder things to explain than a spreader bar?

I did just see some fab lockable storage cases on one more fave websites recently but they were £50 ish

That is quite expensive for a sex toy storage box but guess it depends how out there the collection is and how much embarrassment it could save.

I had a friend who on a whim bought a sex swing and took ages for them to find a time for them to use it. One afternoon while kids were at the in laws they managed session and then went out.

When they got home they saw his mother in law had brought kids back early and when they walked in house they were horrified to find they had forgotten to put the swing away and she was attempting to put one of the kids in it thinking it was a baby bouncer or something.

 

[Riggs]

No I just meant like as early hours a possible no specific

Was only meant tongue in cheek.

That’s not an image you want lol
Thankfully he’s a small lap dog not a Great Dane or we’d have been squashed

It took her about 20 mins for the penny to drop in her head-and then she called us ‘mucky bastards’
We would have been if we’d had the chance to finish!

Well thankfully you didnt need a trip to A&E and have to explain that one and also dodged therapy too, devastating that you didnt even get chance to finish though as finding time itself is hard enough.

 

[Gingercream]

My eldest (would have been about 6 at the time) once wandered in when my husband and I were mid shag - luckily under the duvet. I was way more traumatised than he was, I don’t think he really grasped what was going on. I refuse to have sex now unless I know the kids are properly asleep!

 

[Mrs Cucumber]

Our kids are only 6 and 4 and thankfully are both deep sleepers so night time activities aren't a problem but the mid day fumbles are now saved for school days when we're safe in the knowledge they are out haha!

 

[Wormhole]

Havent seen those particular flavours before but always liked those particular Brit classic candies.



Guess that would make sense if you are already on the floor as they would be next to you under the bed. Is that how you always have sex then if your 'items' are always in there? Couldnt exactly reach for anything in the heat of the moment if you were in the bed though I imagine, how do you navigate a lock in the dark?

How do you explain that one should any wandering children come in? Say you are camping on the floor...?

Havent seen those particular flavours before but always liked those particular Brit classic candies.



Guess that would make sense if you are already on the floor as they would be next to you under the bed. Is that how you always have sex then if your 'items' are always in there? Couldnt exactly reach for anything in the heat of the moment if you were in the bed though I imagine, how do you navigate a lock in the dark?

How do you explain that one should any wandering children come in? Say you are camping on the floor...?

The duvet goes on the floor behind the door so the door would be blocked anyway , I suppose I would have to pretend I had fallen out of bed

Not always on the floor , will use the bed during the day when kids are at school and no body to disturb. Sorry joined on neighbors you don't count !

Usually enough pre warning to unlock the case and stash the required items in more convenient places.

It's rarely dark lights on

I dunno what size your bedside tables but it's pretty hard to fit a 20inch spreader bar in your top drawer

 

[Wormhole]

Sit and watch Netflix until stupidly late and they are asleep. Then we have to do it on the bedroom floor because our bed is squeaky as fuck

My 4 year old had obviously been in our room one day last week as her barbie dolls were wearing condom rain hats.

My son (7) fired a “cannon” at my friend when she visited for the first time that was actually a tampax compact.

We once caught them playing “crinimal and pleece occifer” with novelty fur trimmed handcuffs.

We’ve installed high shelves now.

Ffs that totally reminded me about 10 years ago we caught our toddler eating the sachets of popular sweet ( fruit salad, drumstick) flavour lubes

 

[Riggs]

We just shove the usually full laundry basket in front of the door and hope for the best

That is either an impressive feat of speed and efficiency or a hell of an endurance test with the stop start potential.

 

[Mums84]

We just shove the usually full laundry basket in front of the door and hope for the best

 

[Itsallaboutmememe]

Sounds like you got away with it pretty well on both counts then at least, could have been much worse.

Had an image of the dog jumping on bed and trying to join in and your daughter coming in at that moment.

That’s not an image you want lol
Thankfully he’s a small lap dog not a Great Dane or we’d have been squashed

It took her about 20 mins for the penny to drop in her head-and then she called us ‘mucky bastards’
We would have been if we’d had the chance to finish!

 

[Riggs]

My eldest (would have been about 6 at the time) once wandered in when my husband and I were mid shag - luckily under the duvet. I was way more traumatised than he was, I don’t think he really grasped what was going on. I refuse to have sex now unless I know the kids are properly asleep!

Hard to completely concentrate on what you are doing when you have one eye and ear on the door opening.

I think most people have had at the very least an awkward near miss. At least at that age you can make excuses, my oldest is 16 so getting more awkward now in regards to keeping quiet as they always seem to be awake & they will know what’s going on.

 

[Riggs]

School hours or 3 in the morning.

3 in the morning is a very specific time, you have to set an alarm for that one or are you so in sync that its sex'o clock you instinctively wake up for it?

My wife is a little self concious about daylight sex so im glad the UK gets dark really early at this time of year, just a shame the kids dont get the memo.

 

[Wormhole]

Well that would be a bonus on both counts at least. We can regularly hear our neighbours going at it and while we are happy they also have an active sex life it can be pretty off putting when you can hear it when you are trying to be intimate



As in the kind from toilet vending machines? Harder things to explain than a spreader bar?



That is quite expensive for a sex toy storage box but guess it depends how out there the collection is and how much embarrassment it could save.

I had a friend who on a whim bought a sex swing and took ages for them to find a time for them to use it. One afternoon while kids were at the in laws they managed session and then went out.

When they got home they saw his mother in law had brought kids back early and when they walked in house they were horrified to find they had forgotten to put the swing away and she was attempting to put one of the kids in it thinking it was a baby bouncer or something.

The spreader bar looks pretty innocent when the leg cuffs are not attached.

 

[Twinkle485]

3 in the morning is a very specific time, you have to set an alarm for that one or are you so in sync that its sex'o clock you instinctively wake up for it?

My wife is a little self concious about daylight sex so im glad the UK gets dark really early at this time of year, just a shame the kids dont get the memo.

No I just meant like as early hours a possible no specific

 

[Riggs]

Our kids are only 6 and 4 and thankfully are both deep sleepers so night time activities aren't a problem but the mid day fumbles are now saved for school days when we're safe in the knowledge they are out haha!

My youngest isn’t at school yet so mid day fumbles are a distant memory at the moment. Can fully appreciate taking any time you can fit it in however.

When both of our younger children were less mobile we would make most of bath/shower time but now they can open doors (lack of locks on bathroom door becomes a problem).