How to deal with an eating disorder?

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Let me start off by saying I've had food issues since I was 5 years old and my gran started calling me fat. fast forward to middle school (12 years old) I would over eat so so much that I would buy family sized bags of chips and tell the cashier I was having a party. Finally in highschool it turned into the ED I still have 10 years later, a form of bullimia i'd call it. Binging= days/hours at a time on immense quantities of food till I felt ill or puked then purged= starving myself/juice fast/restricting days/months at a time..

I'm currently a student in another country, away from my closest family members and I'm too poor to pay a therapist. Does anyone have tips on how to control myself? I try so hard but I just can't
 
Have you read Laura Thomas's Just Eat It? That addresses a lot of misconceptions about diet, weight loss. Also drjoshuawolrich on Instagram is amazing, he's an NHS surgeon in the UK who is really passionate about breaking down weight stigma and helping to heal people's relationship with food. He talks a lot about how foods shouldn't be labelled good or bad and that no food is inherently bad, some are just more nutrient dense. The idea is that you should give yourself permission to eat anything without any labels, restriction or beating yourself up. You may overeat at first, but the idea is that you'll eventually listen to your body and won't binge because you won't have that "this food is bad" or "I can't eat this food after today" mentality. Good luck, I hope things get better for you soon. I have a tendency to binge and it is a real battle.
 
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I find the best way to quiet my mind when its obsessing over food is to read a book. That complete immersion in another world is a life saver!

Never underestimate the power of friendships, even long distance friendships ♥

And most importantly don’t give in & think oh its just one behaviour I can control it because that is how the spiral starts!

Remember, your body is the house you grew up in. Don’t try to burn it to the ground
 
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I find the best way to quiet my mind when its obsessing over food is to read a book. That complete immersion in another world is a life saver!

Never underestimate the power of friendships, even long distance friendships ♥

And most importantly don’t give in & think oh its just one behaviour I can control it because that is how the spiral starts!

Remember, your body is the house you grew up in. Don’t try to burn it to the ground
What happens is that I usually try to buy healthy groceries sometimes with one or two treats in and try to pace myself like a normal person but then I get stressed out over one thing or another and just binged and I get so disgusted in myself that I just binge even more to get rid of all the bad food then purge. And so on...

I find the best way to quiet my mind when its obsessing over food is to read a book. That complete immersion in another world is a life saver!

Never underestimate the power of friendships, even long distance friendships ♥

And most importantly don’t give in & think oh its just one behaviour I can control it because that is how the spiral starts!

Remember, your body is the house you grew up in. Don’t try to burn it to the ground
ill try to read more when I have an urge, have never tried that
 
What happens is that I usually try to buy healthy groceries sometimes with one or two treats in and try to pace myself like a normal person but then I get stressed out over one thing or another and just binged and I get so disgusted in myself that I just binge even more to get rid of all the bad food then purge. And so on...


ill try to read more when I have an urge, have never tried that
I also found exercise was great but as I had disordered eating & restricted quite heavily - Exercise also sort of fed the demon & made it worse 🤷🏻‍♀️

You are strong! Some days are good, some days are tit, I don’t know the answers just please don’t quit 💛
 
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I've suffered from various EDs on an off for over a decade. I'm sending you a giant e-hug as I know how exhausting it is.
Two things that have helped me:

1- This book: https://www.amazon.com/Beating-Your-Eating-Disorder-Cognitive-Behavioral/dp/0521739047
CBT didn't work for me with a therapist, but this book used the cinema analogy that has been life saving for me. I've never seen my ED described in this manner anywhere else. Stay away from ED memoirs- they ruin people. You are carrying your own burden, do not read someone else's ED journey because it is double the burden. Stick to books like this one that focus on why you are triggered and how to cope.

Back to that analogy that helped me: basically it says that those of us with anxiety/depression/EDs are watching our lives as if we're watching a movie (dissociation) alone in the cinema. The ED is like another person who walks into the cinema and sits right in front of you.
When life is okay, we are a little irritated that someone is blocking our view (attempts at recovery) but when life is hard we are grateful for someone to be blocking our view of the scary parts of the movie!
So, when you're struggling, you use the ED as an emotional crutch because you want something to block your view of the movie of your life. It's too scary or upsetting to look at. The ED behaviours are a distraction from reality when reality is too hard to face up to.
It made so much sense to me. I always wondered why I kept relapsing, why nothing was helping, why I needed the ED as much as I hated it. This explained my own behaviours to me. I needed the thing I hated because it blocked my thoughts from all the bad stuff I couldn't deal with.

Now, when I relapse- and I have in the past year- I ask myself, what part of the movie of my life do I not want to be watching? Why did I allow another person (the ED) into the cinema to block my view?
It's so hard to face up to those questions and find the emotional triggers but if we can search within ourselves about what is upsetting us to require the use of an unhealthy coping mechanism, then we can focus on the cause of the upset instead of focusing our attention on the ED.

For example, since you mentioned bulimia specifically....the process is ideal to busy your mind and not deal with the real issue:
making mental lists of the food to binge on
thinking which route you'll use to get to the stores
how you'll pay for it all when you don't have the money
where you'll binge without people seeing
what you'll eat first, then what you'll eat next
where you can safely purge
cleaning up the evidence after....

it takes up all your time and attention even before you've put one bite in your mouth.
If you weren't going through all that, you would have spent that time and attention being upset by whatever it was that triggered the urge to engage in the bulimia. Now, you've spent several hours engaging in the behaviours and you're exhausted so you go to sleep, or you start on your plan to purge over the next days (fasting/ exercising, etc.).
This process is the same when you're anorexic- deciding on safe foods, picking up safe foods in a supermarket and deciding what is okay and how much to buy, checking and re-checking the food labels and ingredients, finding distractions from hunger, exercising, avoiding social situations with food, making up excuses to keep people unaware....it all takes up so much mental time and energy that you can't even begin to think about whatever it was that triggered you. It's a tall person sat in front of you in the cinema that conveniently blocks the view.

After understanding this I started to go for a walk with a notebook and pencil when I get triggered. I ask myself what happened right before I got triggered- what did I see, what did I hear, what am I feeling. I walk and whenever I get an important answer, I jot it down in the notebook. I come home clear-headed, calmer, and with a game plan for how I will deal with the issue of what has upset me. I deal with the actual issue no matter how hard it is, instead of crouching behind the ED ignoring the problem.

2- The second thing that has helped me immensely is understanding that I have a choice. I choose to allow someone into the cinema. I also have the choice to tell that person to get out! This is my private cinema, this is the movie about my life, I don't want anyone blocking my view. I am strong enough to face up to the scary parts of the movie and process my feelings around what I'm seeing. I know I am strong enough because I have battled my EDs for a decade and I am still here! So no matter how weak I feel, I have proof that I am, in fact, able to cope and survive.

Personally, at the lowest points of my ED, I felt helpless and like there was just no point attempting to recover I was so deep in. Now, I realise it is always my choice whether I eat or not, what I eat, how much I eat. Even when my ED brain says I have no choice, I argue that I do and I will make the right choice and find an alternative way to cope with stress that will help me, not just numb me temporarily. <--- this is also important to note. Our Eds only help temporarily! They never resolve our issues; in fact, they extend the issues because we get caught in the ED cycle and can't get out!

It's a process. Sometimes we are okay and sometimes we're not. A therapist who specializes in EDs when you can afford one should be your first stop because EDs can seem to go away, only to resurface later when life gets hard. You've already had so many years controlled by this, don't lose any more. You want to fully recover and reclaim your life, not be battling with this emotional crutch that looks like it's saving you- but actually cripples you- for the rest of your life.
Good therapy can be life saving. But make sure that you are ready for therapy at that point. It's not just about having the money, it's also being in the right frame of mind to want to recover. If you go into it when you're not ready it will only trigger you further (from my personal experience).

I hope this helps a little. You're not alone and you can beat this. Stay safe. Please make sure you're replenishing electrolytes regularly.
 
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Great thread, I've had an eating disorder since I was about 8/9, intent through puberty early and got lots of comments from my siblings, classmates, teachers, adults about how fat i was. I used to wish I could be anorexic and admired them greatly, id weigh myself daily, restrict my food and then binge.

These days I binge in secret and then go on a long walk to try and burn it off. I'm over weight at the moment and every night I go to bed determined that I will starve myself the next day. I've already eaten a chocolate bar today in secret which I am ashamed of. I dream of being thin. I do not want to die fat.
 
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The sad thing about all of these stories is how they start with a throwaway, callous or thoughtless comment usually from an adult who ”loves” the child. This is exactly what happened to me and I still struggle even though I’m in my fifties. My mother took me to Weight Watchers when I was about 11 and I have been addicted to slimming clubs ever since. I have recently lost 5 stone but regained 3 as my issues still haunt me. I think I identify as fat as that is what I was called as a child and so not being fat feels wrong. it’s all very messed up but has not stopped me from having a very happy life away from diet/food issues. I was also super careful never to comment on my own childrens’ appetites/weight and they do not have issues.
I completely relate to you and I'm glad that outside of food issues you are happy. I'm the same I never comment on anything to my children. I'm lucky that my husband and his family have a very healthy relationship with food unlike my side. They beat when they are hungry and stop when they are full a concept that's completely alien to me!
 
I’m so glad I came across this thread. I have self diagnosed binge eating disorder (I’ve never seen a professional about this). I regularly eat large amounts of junk food in a short amount of time and I do this alone and hide the wrappers from my partner. I feel out of control. I think the biggest issue stopping me over come this is that I am getting married in September next year. I am currently a size UK 18. Around 4 years ago I lost around 5 stone and got into a UK size 10 (this was on slimming world). I have put all the weight back on and more. I feel like because I’ve been that small I now want to get back there for my wedding and the thought of being over weight in all my wedding pictures makes me so sad but I know that the more I aim to lose weight and diet the worse my bingeing gets. I feel like I’m stuck in a rut of wanting to stop bingeing but also wanting to lose the weight o_O
 
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I find junk food so easy and affordable. I love healthy food too but if I am about to binge I'm gonna grab the quickest tastiest thing. The other day I ate a packet of chocolate honors and that binge cost me £1
 
I've suffered from various EDs on an off for over a decade. I'm sending you a giant e-hug as I know how exhausting it is.
Two things that have helped me:

1- This book: https://www.amazon.com/Beating-Your-Eating-Disorder-Cognitive-Behavioral/dp/0521739047
CBT didn't work for me with a therapist, but this book used the cinema analogy that has been life saving for me. I've never seen my ED described in this manner anywhere else. Stay away from ED memoirs- they ruin people. You are carrying your own burden, do not read someone else's ED journey because it is double the burden. Stick to books like this one that focus on why you are triggered and how to cope.

Back to that analogy that helped me: basically it says that those of us with anxiety/depression/EDs are watching our lives as if we're watching a movie (dissociation) alone in the cinema. The ED is like another person who walks into the cinema and sits right in front of you.
When life is okay, we are a little irritated that someone is blocking our view (attempts at recovery) but when life is hard we are grateful for someone to be blocking our view of the scary parts of the movie!
So, when you're struggling, you use the ED as an emotional crutch because you want something to block your view of the movie of your life. It's too scary or upsetting to look at. The ED behaviours are a distraction from reality when reality is too hard to face up to.
It made so much sense to me. I always wondered why I kept relapsing, why nothing was helping, why I needed the ED as much as I hated it. This explained my own behaviours to me. I needed the thing I hated because it blocked my thoughts from all the bad stuff I couldn't deal with.

Now, when I relapse- and I have in the past year- I ask myself, what part of the movie of my life do I not want to be watching? Why did I allow another person (the ED) into the cinema to block my view?
It's so hard to face up to those questions and find the emotional triggers but if we can search within ourselves about what is upsetting us to require the use of an unhealthy coping mechanism, then we can focus on the cause of the upset instead of focusing our attention on the ED.

For example, since you mentioned bulimia specifically....the process is ideal to busy your mind and not deal with the real issue:
making mental lists of the food to binge on
thinking which route you'll use to get to the stores
how you'll pay for it all when you don't have the money
where you'll binge without people seeing
what you'll eat first, then what you'll eat next
where you can safely purge
cleaning up the evidence after....

it takes up all your time and attention even before you've put one bite in your mouth.
If you weren't going through all that, you would have spent that time and attention being upset by whatever it was that triggered the urge to engage in the bulimia. Now, you've spent several hours engaging in the behaviours and you're exhausted so you go to sleep, or you start on your plan to purge over the next days (fasting/ exercising, etc.).
This process is the same when you're anorexic- deciding on safe foods, picking up safe foods in a supermarket and deciding what is okay and how much to buy, checking and re-checking the food labels and ingredients, finding distractions from hunger, exercising, avoiding social situations with food, making up excuses to keep people unaware....it all takes up so much mental time and energy that you can't even begin to think about whatever it was that triggered you. It's a tall person sat in front of you in the cinema that conveniently blocks the view.

After understanding this I started to go for a walk with a notebook and pencil when I get triggered. I ask myself what happened right before I got triggered- what did I see, what did I hear, what am I feeling. I walk and whenever I get an important answer, I jot it down in the notebook. I come home clear-headed, calmer, and with a game plan for how I will deal with the issue of what has upset me. I deal with the actual issue no matter how hard it is, instead of crouching behind the ED ignoring the problem.

2- The second thing that has helped me immensely is understanding that I have a choice. I choose to allow someone into the cinema. I also have the choice to tell that person to get out! This is my private cinema, this is the movie about my life, I don't want anyone blocking my view. I am strong enough to face up to the scary parts of the movie and process my feelings around what I'm seeing. I know I am strong enough because I have battled my EDs for a decade and I am still here! So no matter how weak I feel, I have proof that I am, in fact, able to cope and survive.

Personally, at the lowest points of my ED, I felt helpless and like there was just no point attempting to recover I was so deep in. Now, I realise it is always my choice whether I eat or not, what I eat, how much I eat. Even when my ED brain says I have no choice, I argue that I do and I will make the right choice and find an alternative way to cope with stress that will help me, not just numb me temporarily. <--- this is also important to note. Our Eds only help temporarily! They never resolve our issues; in fact, they extend the issues because we get caught in the ED cycle and can't get out!

It's a process. Sometimes we are okay and sometimes we're not. A therapist who specializes in EDs when you can afford one should be your first stop because EDs can seem to go away, only to resurface later when life gets hard. You've already had so many years controlled by this, don't lose any more. You want to fully recover and reclaim your life, not be battling with this emotional crutch that looks like it's saving you- but actually cripples you- for the rest of your life.
Good therapy can be life saving. But make sure that you are ready for therapy at that point. It's not just about having the money, it's also being in the right frame of mind to want to recover. If you go into it when you're not ready it will only trigger you further (from my personal experience).

I hope this helps a little. You're not alone and you can beat this. Stay safe. Please make sure you're replenishing electrolytes regularly.
Thank you for your advice, I've never heard about it being put that way but it does make sense.

Great thread, I've had an eating disorder since I was about 8/9, intent through puberty early and got lots of comments from my siblings, classmates, teachers, adults about how fat i was. I used to wish I could be anorexic and admired them greatly, id weigh myself daily, restrict my food and then binge.

These days I binge in secret and then go on a long walk to try and burn it off. I'm over weight at the moment and every night I go to bed determined that I will starve myself the next day. I've already eaten a chocolate bar today in secret which I am ashamed of. I dream of being thin. I do not want to die fat.
sounds like me to a t when I was younger

I find junk food so easy and affordable. I love healthy food too but if I am about to binge I'm gonna grab the quickest tastiest thing. The other day I ate a packet of chocolate honors and that binge cost me £1
I personally binge on everything apart from veg, fruits and protein.

In 2018 till mid 2019 I lived with my boyfriend and I found that I almost never binged because when I wanted to he was there and he was the one who mostly went to get groceries.. I remember sometimes wanting to but not being able to because he was around watching me. Now that I study and live alone it's a free for all. I think also because i was skinny a while back and I keep thinking if only I could just get back to that

also I wont be free of one of my triggers for another couple of years. My b**** grandma. this is going to sound bad and I wont talk about the other crappy things shes done but when it comes to me growing up she would tell me when ive gained when ive lost call me anorexic, try to force feed me food when I'd picked a normal portion for myself etc.. and to this day she still pulls that tit and I have to fight back from her force feeding me till im literally counting the potatoes on each of our plates. .. I know its bad
 
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