How to become more attractive

[StillLucilleBluth]

Like a typical bloke it has been an affair. Seeing a solicitor next week. Sorry I just don’t have words anymore

Sending you so much love. I’ve been cheated on recently too. Similar story about not finding me attractive / not enough chemistry. He even said “I'm still in love with [his ex’s name]. I genuinely wanted to die.

The good news is, I feel much less sad after a few weeks and now I mainly think of him with contempt. I hope you get to that place before long and I’m sure you will.

But I’m still so sorry this happened. It’s not fair. Just know lots of us are here for you.

 

[Jojoo]

Sending you so much love. I’ve been cheated on recently too. Similar story about not finding me attractive / not enough chemistry. He even said “I'm still in love with [his ex’s name]. I genuinely wanted to die.

The good news is, I feel much less sad after a few weeks and now I mainly think of him with contempt. I hope you get to that place before long and I’m sure you will.

But I’m still so sorry this happened. It’s not fair. Just know lots of us are here for you.

Thank you I’m so glad you are feeling better!
kids are thankfully keeping me busy but it also highlights how much I’ve lost as well if that makes sense Every time he comes back to see them. It would be so much easier to never have to see or speak to him. Were going to couples therapy this week, not sure if it’s the right or wrong thing but figured talking things through with someone neutral may help sort some stuff out.

i just feel so lonely, yet never alone. My youngest is only 10 months she’s not going to have that proper bond with her dad

 

[Megansnarkle]

Thank you I’m so glad you are feeling better!
kids are thankfully keeping me busy but it also highlights how much I’ve lost as well if that makes sense Every time he comes back to see them. It would be so much easier to never have to see or speak to him. Were going to couples therapy this week, not sure if it’s the right or wrong thing but figured talking things through with someone neutral may help sort some stuff out.

i just feel so lonely, yet never alone. My youngest is only 10 months she’s not going to have that proper bond with her dad

Is it possible/would it be easier for him to see the kids elsewhere? Like at a grandparent's house? Just while you're in this initial working things out stage?

There's no reason why either child shouldn't have a proper bond with their dad. It'll be different for them not having him around all the time but they're young enough that you can both really shape how that relationship forms and they won't remember anything different. It might mean biting your tongue a lot but as co-parents you'll both work best if you can become each other's cheerleaders in front of the kids as they get older.

I think it's good he's still willing to go to couple's therapy. Do what you need to do, but my personal view is that you would be better using that time and opportunity to start to discuss how you see co-parenting and your relationship going forward rather than now trying to unpick things that are done and why he did what he did. It is what it is and there's a risk you could dissect it forever but never get what you need.

 

[judgejohndeed]

@Jojoo do you want to go to couples therapy? We’ve read a lot here about what he’s done and what he wants, but not what you want! Please don’t feel like you have to stay with someone who had an affair just for the sake of your kids. Your children will use the relationship their parents have as a blueprint for their own future relationships, kids are very perceptive and they will pick up if there isn’t trust anymore or one/both of you aren’t happy. Being separated or divorced doesn’t mean that your kids won’t have a good bond and positive relationship with their Dad. I know this is all very raw right now but seeing a solicitor is a really good idea as despite the best laid plans unfortunately these situations can and do turn nasty and you need to know what you’re entitled to etc. He’s put himself first having this affair and leaving you, you need to put yourself first in whether you want to make your relationship work and in knowing your rights if you do separate, and while it might not seem it right now this is honestly the best example you can set for your children

 

[wafflesnwings]

Thank you I’m so glad you are feeling better!
kids are thankfully keeping me busy but it also highlights how much I’ve lost as well if that makes sense Every time he comes back to see them. It would be so much easier to never have to see or speak to him. Were going to couples therapy this week, not sure if it’s the right or wrong thing but figured talking things through with someone neutral may help sort some stuff out.

i just feel so lonely, yet never alone. My youngest is only 10 months she’s not going to have that proper bond with her dad

Hugs I came across this thread randomly and I wanted to say how sorry I am that this is happening to you. I hope that you got good legal advice from your solicitor because it's essential to sort out any assets tied up in accounts, the home or any bonds/investments that have potentially been made - and that you are getting as much support as possible from your mum friends (as well as the beautiful souls on here; I'm honestly blown away by how much love, support and kindness is on this platform). Re couples therapy, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do nor do you owe him anything - especially when it comes to therapy. Those are spaces where so much gets shared and we become raw - in an emotional sense. I would hate for your partner to use things against you, that have been shared in a therapy session, and I truly hope that he doesn't do that to you, for he has hurt you enough. You could always opt for solo therapy sessions, because therapists are trained to hold us emotionally safe when we go through transitions in life, upheaval etc. It could be your very own space and your therapist can become part of your support network - I like to think of them as being part of an emotional toolkit. @judgejohndeed and @Megansnarkle have articulated it so much better than I ever could - the marital status doesn't determine the sort of relationship he will have with your children. That's on him, as a parent, to work on because your children are still so young. Their bond with him will change and develop as they grow older, learn about boundaries, make their own choices and establish themselves in time.

I highly agree with what others have said about dad visits taking place on 'neutral' ground, because your home is where you and the children are. Without sounding like too much of a hippy, the atmosphere/energy of your home has changed and it's important to recreate its 'new' energy as one that is loving, comforting and safe for you and them (that itself takes time and I have no idea if what I've written there makes sense). He has made a choice and whatever consequences may follow as a result of that, are now entirely on him.
I wish I could give you the biggest hug possible. It will be ok in time; I'm a big believer in that things always end up ok in the end. Please take extra care of yourself, be emotionally gentle with yourself and remember that you are doing your very best every single day (and that looks/feels different every day). We are here for you. All my love to you

 

[Fanny Muchmore]

Hey @Jojoo, I just wanted to say I'm sorry to hear about what has been happening. I second the comments in the thread about having the kids' visitations on 'neutral ground'. And also to build an incredibly solid support system around yourself.

Just wanted to let you know we're here for you if you need us. Take care of yourself, OK?

 

[StillLucilleBluth]

@Jojoo Also, regarding the children aspect of it, others have already articulated it much better than I could - but just wanted to add that I read a really helpful book called “Getting Past Your Breakup” which has a couple of chapters on how to support your children through this kind of thing. I’m childless so don’t know how useful it will be but the rest of the book was amazing and really helped me so just thought I’d mention it in case you want to check it out on Kindle or something

 

[JodieB12]

Hey! So me and my husband are going through a bad time, he’s told me he no longer finds me attractive. I don’t know if this is fixable but I’m willing to give it a go.
Any one have any tips on how to become more attractive? This is what I’ve done so far
-Ive got some new dresses so making more of an effort with my clothes and not my go to jeans etc.
-Making sure when he comes home I haven’t got baby sick/food all over me
-I’m not one for make up never have but I’ve been consistent with mascara
-Bought all new underwear
- Makign sure the house is clean and tidy when he comes home
-all breakfast and lunches made for work like I use to pre kids

I have two kids So need easy ideas

Please leave him

 

[Megansnarkle]

Please leave him

You might want to read the whole thread.

 

[Jojoo]

This place on the internet really is incredible, having a team of lovely strangers to give you advice and have your back is quite something! I will never be able to express I am how thankful I am to everyone

what do I want? I really don’t know, I feel like a big mug to admit that I still love him and I still see him in my future but maybe it’s just not been long enough. It doesn’t really feel about me if that makes sense, I also just feel no one cares what I want or need. No one is really looking out for me
, not properly if that makes sense. My friends check in via text every few days which I’m grateful for but there busy with kids also. He wasn’t just my husband he was my best friend as cringe as that is it’s true.

Seeing the kids elsewhere is a good idea and I’ll suggest it, he’s Been doing some bedtimes for our eldest that’s why he’s been coming here. I didn’t think of it like the energy of the house has changed, I think I need to make it a safe space for me where he isn’t in every room like it feels like he currently is.

i got lost in becoming a mum and dealing with my life changing so much so quick. I didn’t realise he needed re assuring as much as he clearly did that I still loved him. I feel so sad for myself that instead of helping me deal with it all and being there for me through it, he abandoned me. It’s been 4 years of being pregnant/ breastfeeding/ trying for another baby/ both my parents having cancer and going through chemo/ pandemic as well I just needed support and he wasn’t willing. Makes me sad and angry.

sorry I’ve rambled

 

[justheretoread99]

This place on the internet really is incredible, having a team of lovely strangers to give you advice and have your back is quite something! I will never be able to express I am how thankful I am to everyone

what do I want? I really don’t know, I feel like a big mug to admit that I still love him and I still see him in my future but maybe it’s just not been long enough. It doesn’t really feel about me if that makes sense, I also just feel no one cares what I want or need. No one is really looking out for me
, not properly if that makes sense. My friends check in via text every few days which I’m grateful for but there busy with kids also. He wasn’t just my husband he was my best friend as cringe as that is it’s true.

Seeing the kids elsewhere is a good idea and I’ll suggest it, he’s Been doing some bedtimes for our eldest that’s why he’s been coming here. I didn’t think of it like the energy of the house has changed, I think I need to make it a safe space for me where he isn’t in every room like it feels like he currently is.

i got lost in becoming a mum and dealing with my life changing so much so quick. I didn’t realise he needed re assuring as much as he clearly did that I still loved him. I feel so sad for myself that instead of helping me deal with it all and being there for me through it, he abandoned me. It’s been 4 years of being pregnant/ breastfeeding/ trying for another baby/ both my parents having cancer and going through chemo/ pandemic as well I just needed support and he wasn’t willing. Makes me sad and angry.

sorry I’ve rambled

Honestly, ramble away

It’s okay to feel like you don’t know what you want or what you want to do right now. Just take some time alone (granted, easier said than done) to process everything. Write your thoughts down. Then say them out loud. Come on here and just type what’s in your head. If your friends are busy just writing stuff down can feel like a bit of release. But also be kind to yourself.

I’m not married, and don’t have any kids yet so I’m sorry that I cannot relate to be able to give you any advice on the whole visits/family dynamic side.

It’s soul destroying to lose someone in your life as a best friend. But personally, I would not carry on a relationship with someone who’d had an affair. The trust would be completely gone.

If you do go to couples therapy, please express absolutely everything on your mind. Don’t hold back. This man has disrespected you in one of the worst ways, so the least he can do now is listen to you and what you want/need going forwards.