How do I support my Son and Daughter in Law?

[thatstupidcat]

Hi there,

My son and daughter in law are having trouble with their son’s (my grandson’s) school. My primary-school aged grandson is disabled (has a statement) in a mainstream school and there is at least one incident at the school a week of him having an accident or hurting another kid there. The Head sounds like a very “there is no problem” and “don’t raise concerns or complain, find another school” person and the teachers sound like they are caught between a rock and a hard place.

My son and daughter in law are very stressed trying to deal with all the drama and I don’t know what to do to help. Things have changed SO much since my son was at school and I was hoping for ideas of how to support them. I watch my grandson to give them a break whenever they ask and give them money as things are a little tight over there but it doesn’t seem enough.

Has anyone experienced this and what can I do to try and help?

 

[OhMyGaad]

Get in contact with the school nurse who can give advice

 

[thatstupidcat]

Get in contact with the school nurse who can give advice

I don’t think there is a school nurse - it’s a small school and they occasionally get someone in from outside for nurse-y stuff and first aid is handled by staff I believe.

 

[OhMyGaad]

I don’t think there is a school nurse - it’s a small school and they occasionally get someone in from outside for nurse-y stuff and first aid is handled by staff I believe.

Every a school has a nurse attached to it but not necessarily based in the school. It is a service provided by NHS - basically do the same job as health visitor from age 4. If you ring your local school health dept or even your grandsons health visitor you'll find out his school nurse. Good luck.

 

[thatstupidcat]

Every a school has a nurse attached to it but not necessarily based in the school. It is a service provided by NHS - basically do the same job as health visitor from age 4. If you ring your local school health dept or even your grandsons health visitor you'll find out his school nurse. Good luck.

Thanks, I will take a look (that’s probably the same person who used to go in for the weighing stuff).

 

[Jeeves]

You don't make it clear what your grandson's disability is but I assume as he has a statement of educational needs, that he has contact with other services to address his specific needs (therapists, paediatrician, etc.). Request a multi disciplinary agency meeting to address his needs and to co-ordinate between the various agencies and school. (This will be more effective than the school nurse who may be used for dietary needs, toileting, hearing obesity, etc.) These needs should be on his statement. Does he have additional support, possibly 1:1 TA, for all of part of the day? If he is hurting other children or himself, there could be grounds for requesting support of this nature. It's difficult to give more advice without a clearer idea of your grandson's needs - behavioural, cognition, mobilty,physical? If you are in Wales, there is a new ALN bill coming into effect this year that gives additional rights to parents and children. I wonder from your post if he is on the ASD spectrum - if so, they can request support from an Outreach team.

 

[thatstupidcat]

You don't make it clear what your grandson's disability is but I assume as he has a statement of educational needs, that he has contact with other services to address his specific needs (therapists, paediatrician, etc.). Request a multi disciplinary agency meeting to address his needs and to co-ordinate between the various agencies and school. (This will be more effective than the school nurse who may be used for dietary needs, toileting, hearing obesity, etc.) These needs should be on his statement. Does he have additional support, possibly 1:1 TA, for all of part of the day? If he is hurting other children or himself, there could be grounds for requesting support of this nature. It's difficult to give more advice without a clearer idea of your grandson's needs - behavioural, cognition, mobilty,physical? If you are in Wales, there is a new ALN bill coming into effect this year that gives additional rights to parents and children. I wonder from your post if he is on the ASD spectrum - if so, they can request support from an Outreach team.

It’s ASD, I think my son and daughter in law have all the admin in hand and they are pushing for a special needs’ school with the support of a charity, but the resistance is really getting them down.

I just wish I was able to do more to help them - they are both so upset and I hate not being able to help more.

 

[Rocknrolla]

I am in a similar situation with my 5 year old, but we have no diagnosis yet. Although you probably feel helpless, the support you’re already giving is great. In my experience in the ASD world everything is a huge fight, it gets absolutely exhausting so just listening and understanding x

 

[DCICassieStuart]

I don't have any advice for you I'm afraid, but I just want to say that you sound like a lovely mother in law. I wish my MIL was like you.

 

[WilmaHun]

I think the fact you're willing to give them a break when you can, help financially where you can and genuinely seem concerned is enough. By doing these things you are providing them with support. You sound like a genuinely lovely MIL/Mum/Grandparent. Have you tried speaking to them to ask if there's anything specifically you can do?

 

[thatstupidcat]

I think the fact you're willing to give them a break when you can, help financially where you can and genuinely seem concerned is enough. By doing these things you are providing them with support. You sound like a genuinely lovely MIL/Mum/Grandparent. Have you tried speaking to them to ask if there's anything specifically you can do?

They seem to be satisfied with what I’m doing and both individually and together have said they don’t know what more I could do and it’s so hard not to bulldoze in and make things worse (because then it would be about me and my feelings, not their’s and my grandson’s).

I just wish I could do more, you know what I mean?

 

[Jeeves]

I hope your grandson has access to 1:1 support for at least part of the day. That should help with supervision and hopefully reduce some of the problems with having an accident or hurting others. ()ne less thing for mum and dad to worry about.) In my area, lots of children with ASD have access to an Early intervention base , sometimes for a day or two a week and this is invaluable for parents, who are able to meet with other parents in a similar situation and remain in mainstream for the rest of the week. They are able to support applications if needed for a place at a special school. What you are doing to provide some respite for Mum and Dad whilst being a loving grandparent and providing security and consistency for your grandson is invaluable.
I suspect you mat have already been signposted to services but there maybe some helpful hints here?

Helping Your Child with Autism Thrive - HelpGuide.org

Does your child have autism? As a parent, you can make a big difference in your child's life. These tips can help.

www.helpguide.org

I hope your family have some help tailored to their needs really soon.

 

[Thelife&times]

You don't make it clear what your grandson's disability is but I assume as he has a statement of educational needs, that he has contact with other services to address his specific needs (therapists, paediatrician, etc.). Request a multi disciplinary agency meeting to address his needs and to co-ordinate between the various agencies and school. (This will be more effective than the school nurse who may be used for dietary needs, toileting, hearing obesity, etc.) These needs should be on his statement. Does he have additional support, possibly 1:1 TA, for all of part of the day? If he is hurting other children or himself, there could be grounds for requesting support of this nature. It's difficult to give more advice without a clearer idea of your grandson's needs - behavioural, cognition, mobilty,physical? If you are in Wales, there is a new ALN bill coming into effect this year that gives additional rights to parents and children. I wonder from your post if he is on the ASD spectrum - if so, they can request support from an Outreach team.

This is great advice. Every school has an allocated SENCO (special educational needs co ordinator) Request a meeting with them and talk about how the school can minimise incidents that are happening. Does he need a more structured playtime with a smaller group of friends on a focused game?

 

[Giggling Squid]

I have no advice for you I’m afraid, but you sound like an absolutely wonderful grandparent

 

[Saddlesoap]

Hi there,

My son and daughter in law are having trouble with their son’s (my grandson’s) school. My primary-school aged grandson is disabled (has a statement) in a mainstream school and there is at least one incident at the school a week of him having an accident or hurting another kid there. The Head sounds like a very “there is no problem” and “don’t raise concerns or complain, find another school” person and the teachers sound like they are caught between a rock and a hard place.

My son and daughter in law are very stressed trying to deal with all the drama and I don’t know what to do to help. Things have changed SO much since my son was at school and I was hoping for ideas of how to support them. I watch my grandson to give them a break whenever they ask and give them money as things are a little tight over there but it doesn’t seem enough.

Has anyone experienced this and what can I do to try and help?

No disrespect, do they want your help? Or for you to get involved. I am certain you mean well, but speaking from experience (although husband's illness, not child disability), my in laws involvement caused a lot of friction and even 8 years later I have a challenging relationship with them. Again, this is unique to me, but just something consider. I would be pissed if my MIL was getting involved in something like this without me asking for help.

Take care.

 

[JoeBloggs]

They may not be anything more you can do. Just being there, make sure they know they can ask for help or a break may well be all you can do.

 

[Fairypop]

I’m sure they appreciate what you do massively - I know I would and I certainly wouldn’t expect any more and I’m sure they don’t either! I totally understand how you feel though, it’s awful when you just want to help and don’t know how.

As others have said, if I were your son/daughter in law, I would request a meeting with the school SENCO, they’re probably the best people to help deal with the situation and assess what support your grandson might be able to access, they really should be able to offer something to suit him.

I don’t have much more advice and obviously don’t know everything about your grandson’s situation, but I have heard from friends that it’s often best to have things in writing to/from the school, preferably emails - that way things can’t be ignored so easily and there’s a paper trail of how things are being dealt with (or not, as the case may be).

 

[thatstupidcat]

No disrespect, do they want your help? Or for you to get involved. I am certain you mean well, but speaking from experience (although husband's illness, not child disability), my in laws involvement caused a lot of friction and even 8 years later I have a challenging relationship with them. Again, this is unique to me, but just something consider. I would be pissed if my MIL was getting involved in something like this without me asking for help.

Take care.

That’s a fair question. I’ve been largely keeping my mouth shut except for when asked directly for my opinion because honestly, I would complicate things. What the hell do I know about funding bands and ASD strategies? All I know is getting on my knees and playing with trains with my grandson makes for a lovely and quiet day - and he loves pasta almost as much as I do. And they already have a lot of info thrown at them, from all directions. My daughter in law has complained to me that so she gets signposted so much, then signposted again with leaflets and affirming websites so I’m trying to keep the balance.

But it’s not nice to stand and watch them be so stressed. If it wasn’t for covid, I’d offer to send them on a small holiday to try and de-frazzle because they are really in the trenches.

 

[LittleMy]

I think it’s lovely that you’re trying to be as supportive as you can be towards your family. As a mother of two children with additional support needs (my oldest attends a mainstream school too) and with very little in the way of support from family for various reasons, I think that’s the best thing you can give them. I’d definitely suggest to your son and daughter in law to get in contact with the school’s SENCO as someone above mentioned, they are the best people to help your grandson access the support he needs. Everything is a fight for our children with ASD, I’m sure your son and daughter in law will be very grateful that you’re there to help them out if they need it. As mothers we just want to fix things for our children and that doesn’t change as we get older.

 

[mg89]

I'm a SENCO in a school..
If your daughter and son feel the school is no longer meeting their son's needs/he needs a specialist provision, they can request that an early annual review of his EHCP/statement be called. The SENCO can call this at any point of the year, regardless of when the last one was. They can then formally ask the local authority to consult with the special school they feel is best suited to their son's needs. It always helps to have the sen keyworker from the local authority at the annual review also. The LA cannot refuse this consultation being sent out.

I'd request a meeting with the senco also, to see how the provision from the plan is being implemented and what is on his support plan to help him manage the school day.

Does the local authority/county have an autism support/outreach team that can support the school with strategies? Happy to talk further if helpful.