How do I stop loving a mentally abusive ex partner?

[Fridgepicker]

Hey guys, my partner & father to my son has just left me, over something extremely petty

It’s happened a lot over the 3 years, he’d leave me for a few days and then come back after a barrage of abusive extremely insulting text messages/calls, ripping me apart from my looks to my parenting & for some reason I’d be there with open arms waiting for him.

Every single thing I do is wrong in some way, I could never try and fix things by thinking before I do things incase they upset him because the things he gets upset/angry about aren’t what your average person gets upset about.

I know he’ll try and come back again in a few days, but I really can’t go through it again to be dumped again in a months time. I need to be strong and stick to it, but I can’t even go into Tesco without bursting into tears because I’ve seen his favourite dinner on the shelf!

There’s a relief in a way, I can have my home how I want it, I’ll be more organised & come and go as I please, and not worry about making him agitated, but I have this agonising pain in the pit of my stomach and I feel like I can’t be without him.

Will I ever get over him? I can’t cut all contact because we have a son but that could be done though his mum (I am also worried about leaving my son with him because he has never been paternal, has changed about 15 nappies in 2 years and is only just starting to play with him etc, and he is very angry and unpredictable)

I just hate the thought of being without him - even though the gaslighting and the mental abuse is shocking, he even says I’m the one emotionally abusing him when it isn’t me, I’m not perfect and I’ve argued back and said some things I didn’t mean, but it’s about 5% of the stuff he’s said to me. I’m always the one apologising, always the one crying until I’m sick & always the one begging him to stay.

If anyone has any advice I really would appreciate it because I am making myself ill, why do I love someone who clearly doesn’t love me?

Thank you for reading If you’ve got this far!
X

 

[tskiry56]

Please do not take him back.
You may think you still love him... but you will be so much better off without him.
His mentally and emotionally abusing you taking away your confidence making you think it's you with a problem when its him.
I have been there and it started with emotional and mental abuse which then led to physical.

Please talk to womens aid they can offer you free advice and support.

 

[Chandler Bing]

Read back your post, what advice would you give to a friend if they told you that?

 

[Fridgepicker]

Read back your post, what advice would you give to a friend if they told you that?

Thank you both for your replies

I’d tell my friend it’s not them, to leave him & never look back, & I have no idea why I can’t take that advice! Well I have now, it definitely is over for good but I just need to not have a wobble and want him back just because I miss him, maybe I won’t miss him just the habit of having him around, as you can tell my head is like a scrambled egg at the moment

 

[Bellaboo83]

I 'm so sorry you are going through this, it sounds very much like you're doing the right thing!! The pain and loneliness will fade, I'm 4 months in from heartbreak and honestly it gets easier as time passes. You deserve better. Have a look on the Internet about trauma bonds, it might help you understand why you feel like you love him so much when the relationship is so bad. Ring women's aid and your local IAPT centre to ask about discounted therapy to help unscramble your thoughts. Wishing you all the best x

 

[tskiry56]

Thank you both for your replies

I’d tell my friend it’s not them, to leave him & never look back, & I have no idea why I can’t take that advice! Well I have now, it definitely is over for good but I just need to not have a wobble and want him back just because I miss him, maybe I won’t miss him just the habit of having him around, as you can tell my head is like a scrambled egg at the moment

You have done the hardest part and ended the relationship. Well done! You just need to continuing being strong.

 

[Say What]

He is abusing you and will keep doing so until you make it stop. You’ve taken the first step in the right direction and you can keep going because you know what’s right. Everyone is here for you and nobody deserves that type of abuse. I hope you stay strong.

 

[Fridgepicker]

Thank you all so much xxx

What I’m struggling with now is thinking of the good, it was 80% bad 20% good so why am I thinking of the good? I’m missing everything even down to his smell. He’s charming to everybody, comes across so caring & loving, that’s why I fell for him but my brain is struggling to realise that he isn’t the man I re in love with

I’m doing the right thing and I can’t put my family through any more worry about when the next bust up will be

The texts have gone from abusive yesterday to ‘I’ve transferred some money for our son’ & being really calm, my heads a mess I want nothing more than a happy family with him but I will never ever get it, because each time this happens, I forgive and it happens again and I don’t want to live my life like that forever, I’ll send myself crazy. I’ve just accepted in the past that he just gets angrier and nastier than your average person but that’s just who he is, but there is no excuse for it & I’m sticking to my decision, it’s just really really painful

Sorry for the ramble guys I haven’t had a lot of sleep X

 

[Trolleydollycoffeelover]

I’ve gone through it- don’t want to go into details on a public forum but he will never change. You don’t love him- you love the idea of being with someone and the false security it offers and that’s what mine did to me. I tried to leave for 4 yrs but the guilt trip/threats every time. Wish I could go into more detail in private either way please stay strong and stick with your decision. You are worth more xx

 

[cedarpeach]

Oh man I’ve been there too. I’ve now been split from my ex-fiance for over 6 years and I can honestly say that my life has improved more and more each day I’ve been away from him.

he used to threaten to leave me all the time and I’m deeply ashamed to say that I would cry and beg him not to. I really thought I’d be lost without him but the opposite is true. My life has improved so much without him constantly bringing me down.

I know how much harder it must be for you because of your child, but you really must set boundaries that are made of steel. If you give him an inch of understanding or love he will have you right back where he wants you.

please don’t take him back. The more times you take him back, the more the abuse will escalate because he sees each time how much you are willing to put up with. It’s like a sick game.

do you have family or friends who can support? My biggest mistake was being too “private” and I never shared with my friends. I would also recommend looking at support threads on reddit and elsewhere - sharing experiences really helps you stay strong and see through the fog. Good luck x

 

[Moe]

How are you Fridgepicker today?
Please try and stay strong. Come and talk on here all you want if it helps. As tskiry56 and Bellaboo83 have said call Women’s Aid.
I’m another one who has been there and it took a long time to see the light and get free. Don’t waste your life. It’s difficult now but what is the alternative? Walking on eggshells for the rest of your life and worse.
There’s a whole new world and life out there x

 

[Fridgepicker]

I am so so grateful for all of your replies, reading them has really comforted me

I haven’t done well today, I’ve not really eaten, I’m at the stage of just wanting to sit on my sofa & stare at the wall all day. I hate myself for missing him. He’s insisted it’s my fault, it’s how I am that’s the problem & I’ve ruined the relationship & upset his family, and he’s said that I’m okay because I’m sat in my home and he’s had to move out and try and find somewhere else (he left me I didn’t kick him out) I’ve been doing some reading and it seems like he’s trying to guilt trip?

Part of me is thinking I’ll be looking back on this in 6 months time thinking why didn’t I do it sooner, but the other half is wondering if I’ll ever look at him and not want him

I’ll definitely take the advice and speak to somebody & read up on others experiences, because I think I’ll drive myself crazy if I keep thinking these thoughts!

Again I really appreciate you all taking the time to read this and reply it really is helping xx

 

[HanB33]

Its so hard knowing you've got to be strong but feeling like you don't have any strength within you. It's such a dead end feeling because, then what do you do? But the fact is wether you feel it or not, you absolutely do have strength within you to leave this behind. You had the strength to write this post. You had the strength in knowledge that this isnt how a person should be treated. You had the strength to even THINK about leaving him...so think what more power you have within you.

This is the start to the rest of your life. You can absolutely do this.

 

[tskiry56]

You have definitely done the right thing. It's such a huge step to take and it will take time to adjust to.
Don't ever feel guilty for doing what's best for you.. for looking after your wellbeing and your childs.
You have put yourself first.. its not about his family. Dont let the emotional abuse cloud your judgment and feel sorry for him.
I wrote a blog about my experience obviously not quite the same as yours but it may help you see behavioural signs.

Never let a weak person destroy you.

Because your stronger than you realise.

unbeatenmystory.wordpress.com

I am so so grateful for all of your replies, reading them has really comforted me

I haven’t done well today, I’ve not really eaten, I’m at the stage of just wanting to sit on my sofa & stare at the wall all day. I hate myself for missing him. He’s insisted it’s my fault, it’s how I am that’s the problem & I’ve ruined the relationship & upset his family, and he’s said that I’m okay because I’m sat in my home and he’s had to move out and try and find somewhere else (he left me I didn’t kick him out) I’ve been doing some reading and it seems like he’s trying to guilt trip?

Part of me is thinking I’ll be looking back on this in 6 months time thinking why didn’t I do it sooner, but the other half is wondering if I’ll ever look at him and not want him

I’ll definitely take the advice and speak to somebody & read up on others experiences, because I think I’ll drive myself crazy if I keep thinking these thoughts!

Again I really appreciate you all taking the time to read this and reply it really is helping xx

 

[Fridgepicker]

All you’re help and support means the world

He’s still left me, taken more stuff, so I feel like I am the problem because why aren’t I ok with it even though he is how he is? He’s the one that’s walked away in the end so it must’ve been me?

I’m so so sorry to keep going on my head is a mess xx

 

[Trolleydollycoffeelover]

All you’re help and support means the world

He’s still left me, taken more stuff, so I feel like I am the problem because why aren’t I ok with it even though he is how he is? He’s the one that’s walked away in the end so it must’ve been me?

I’m so so sorry to keep going on my head is a mess xx

Don’t you dare blame yourself! That’s part of the Narcissist’s plan. Twisting your mind so you feel guilty.

 

[HanB33]

All you’re help and support means the world

He’s still left me, taken more stuff, so I feel like I am the problem because why aren’t I ok with it even though he is how he is? He’s the one that’s walked away in the end

I’m so so sorry to keep going on my head is a mess xx

You're not going on, it's good to be able to have somewhere you can write about your worries and get no judgement advice and kind words.
Hes taken his things and left so it feels out of your control and like you're now the one at a loss.
Truth is though, hes doing you a huge favour. It's so raw and you're going to struggle for a while and that's okay because you will pull through and you'll realise he's no longer wasting your time. You're freeeee! I'm so excited for your future, and you should be too. Don't worry about going on, this is a space you can rant and I'm sure one of us will always be here to give your head a wobble if you need it

 

[Likkleone]

First and foremost, I’m so glad you’ve messaged here. I can feel your pain right now and it’s important you speak about it to prevent these feelings from overwhelming you.

My ex did a similar thing to me. I put up with months and months of his constant up and downs. I don’t know if he suffered with bipolar disorder as his mum did severely but I didn’t know what to expect day by day. I had made the point of saying it’s done and the relationship was over a few times. But he would say it didn’t need to be this way and that he loved me and things would change.

What I essentially did was teach him that no matter what, even if I’m at the end of my line with him, I would always take him back. This slowly slipped into me becoming an option and he turned things around on me.

I really take on peoples emotions and so his months of depression had an affect on me - he’d also put me through quite traumatic experiences which I hadn’t dealt with. So I started to not be myself. Lacking in confidence and closing in on myself. He began to use this against me to threaten the end of our relationship. ‘You’ve done this’ ‘you’ll never change’ ‘I can’t deal with your negativity’ etc meanwhile he didn’t recognise ANY of his faults or depressive tendencies but I became the route to all of his problems and I started to believe it. I eventually left but I lived with guilt that I had let him down, that I wasn’t a good enough girlfriend or friend to him. I grew up with an abusive father and I started to worry I was becoming like him because my ex had made me feel that I was such an evil person.

Long story short. I wasn’t. I realised I felt this attachment to him because I WAS a good person. That I was capable of loving and caring for someone so deeply and that if I felt I had truly hurt someone, it hurt me too. Bad people don’t feel that way and no amount of him saying this is your fault should ever allow you to believe that. He’s the one that’s pushed your boundaries and broke them. He’s the one who should be coming to you but he won’t, because he’s learnt he can come and go and you’ll still take him back. You need to end this now. People can change, I don’t doubt that, but this man will not change until he realises that you’re not coming back.

However you feel today, tomorrow, in a week. We are always here to talk and no feeling is a wrong feeling to feel right now

 

[Bellaboo83]

All I can say is type here when you need someone because we are all here to remind you that you can do this xx

If you can look into therapy then do it, the first session I had she was able to show me how I was being manipulated into feeling like it was my fault, when in fact, she was clear it wasn't and I felt 100% better just knowing that.

 

[Sticky One]

I don’t have many words of wisdom but I couldn’t read and not reply as your name is familiar to me, thanks to Beggy Becky Hun so i just wanyed to send you some strong positive vibes.
As others have said you are not to blame, your ex is mentally abusive and everything he is doing is to make you feel weak and make you feel like you are the one to blame because he is a bleep
you have 1 life please don’t waste it on him, you will feel sad, lonely, weak and all these horrible natural feeling we have after a break up but in 6 months time you'll look back and be thankful Us tattle trolls have you, whenever you need us X