How can I support my grieving friend? I’m finding it hard

[Apple In My Pie]

This is going to make me sound awful. I know it is, I’m sorry. Please hear me out.

i have struggled to make friends all my life and about seven years ago i made a friend online. I don’t know her IRL, just online, but we text. We have always had a fairly full on relationship which I have tried to pull back on in the past. we talk pretty much every day, morning and evening Aside from work or school.

recently this friend has had a death in the family. I have reached out to her, given condolences/soothing words - but constantly there have been messages from her. Some just say ‘hi’ and how she needs me to be there for her. Which I have replied to as normal. Sometimes though when I don’t reply (when I am trying To sleep) the messages get more intense and desperate saying she wants to kill herself to be with the deceased family member and is so depressed etc. now I don’t mean once, I mean this will be consistently through the night and into the next day. I’ll reply and she is quiet for a while and then it goes on.

I don’t mean I don’t expect her to NOT message me or not magically not grieve. But it is literally, I wake up to loads of messages and go to sleep to them too. Not just through text but twitter, Facebook etc (if I don’t respond on text). And because I don’t physically know her I can’t go to give her a hug like I want, all I can give is words and they just don’t feel like enough, you know? And I don’t know, I find it hard to deal with myself. I can’t sleep at night for worrying she’s going to do something awful but if I decide not to reply to her for a while I can’t sleep either because i feel like if she did something to herself it would be MY fault for not talking to her.

I don’t know what to do or what to say to her, I almost feel like I’m grieving myself seeing all of these messages. Seriously, am I a prick? Am I awful? I was in tears last night over it. I can’t sleep.

...I feel so stupid now I’ve written it down. it’s ridiculous isn’t it. How do I do this. Without turning into an anxious mess myself.

 

[mummy2under2]

This is going to make me sound awful. I know it is, I’m sorry. Please hear me out.

i have struggled to make friends all my life and about seven years ago i made a friend online. I don’t know her IRL, just online, but we text. We have always had a fairly full on relationship which I have tried to pull back on in the past. we talk pretty much every day, morning and evening Aside from work or school.

recently this friend has had a death in the family. I have reached out to her, given condolences/soothing words - but constantly there have been messages from her. Some just say ‘hi’ and how she needs me to be there for her. Which I have replied to as normal. Sometimes though when I don’t reply (when I am trying To sleep) the messages get more intense and desperate saying she wants to kill herself to be with the deceased family member and is so depressed etc. now I don’t mean once, I mean this will be consistently through the night and into the next day. I’ll reply and she is quiet for a while and then it goes on.

I don’t mean I don’t expect her to NOT message me or not magically not grieve. But it is literally, I wake up to loads of messages and go to sleep to them too. Not just through text but twitter, Facebook etc (if I don’t respond on text). And because I don’t physically know her I can’t go to give her a hug like I want, all I can give is words and they just don’t feel like enough, you know? And I don’t know, I find it hard to deal with myself. I can’t sleep at night for worrying she’s going to do something awful but if I decide not to reply to her for a while I can’t sleep either because i feel like if she did something to herself it would be MY fault for not talking to her.

I don’t know what to do or what to say to her, I almost feel like I’m grieving myself seeing all of these messages. Seriously, am I a prick? Am I awful? I was in tears last night over it. I can’t sleep.

...I feel so stupid now I’ve written it down. it’s ridiculous isn’t it. How do I do this. Without turning into an anxious mess myself.

Ahhh bloody hell it all sounds so intense!
I’m definitely not the best person to give subjective advice in these situations because I’m a bit of a dick in these scenarios however you said she’s a friend on your Facebook? Is there a way you can reach out to another friend of hers or a family member you know she’s close to for some support? I don’t mean behind her back, It’s great she has you to lean on but because you don’t know her IRL maybe a slight encouragement to see someone she knows and is close to face to face might be what she needs and ease the pressure off you?

 

[Veronica]

Is she making it up!??? For attention?

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Put her on mute at night and respond once or twice during the day. Simply tell her you are busy but will make time for her when you can.
The probability of you being cat fished is fairly high. Also she is trying to blackmail/guilt you into giving her constant attention. That is not normal and is a warning sign that you need to keep your distance.
Keep all the messages she sends and slowly start phasing her out. Do not get sucked into the wormhole. Set yourself strict limits to how often a day you will spend on her and slowly decrease until you no longer message her.
If she continuous block her number and if she persist complain to the police.
I seriously think this is somebody unhinged

 

[CosmicCreepers]

This is a really hard one as you haven't met IRL and I find it easier to comfort someone in person rather than over message. Surely she realises how much she is messaging you? If she is threatening suicide, she needs serious help immediately.

 

[Orange Creme]

It sounds like shes not who you think she is. She is becoming a vacuum to your happiness. I would block her and cut all ties as this actually scares me a little to read x

 

[BettyCrocker]

Block and move on. This all
Sounds beyond dodgy and I wouldn’t be surprised if this person is not who you think she is.

when you say you speak everyday, is this a phone call or just texts/messages?
What proof have you got that this death is genuine?

 

[KateESJ]

No you’re not being a prick. People need to realise that as much as people can be there for you, they can’t be expected to be 24/7 and it’s not fair to be so reliant on someone to deal with grief. I’ve dealt with unimaginable grief and I had a solid, amazing support system when I was at my worst and I could rant to them but I’d never expect them to be my outlet all the time because that’s not fair on them.
She sounds sorta toxic. As it’s upsetting you so much I think it’s worth you maybe talking to her about it and seeing how that goes? And if she continues or doesn’t respond positively and understandingly then drop her. She may be going through a hard time but you have to think of your own sanity too.

 

[Apple In My Pie]

Thank you everybody for the messages it really helps to know people think the same. I have stayed away from my phone for the day and feel better for it, I did mention to her that I couldn’t physically be with her all the time and she seemed to have calmed down and understood. It sounds awful but it’s been really nice to just have some quiet (even if I do miss her - we have talked so often it’s weird not to )

I talk with her through text - never phone - we have facetimed a few times so I know who she is. Regarding the death, I am assuming it’s genuine based on her reaction but it isn’t in my nature to question it. i wouldnt Feel comfortable talking to her family, although I know of them I get the sense she hasn’t spoken to them about me.

Thank you all. You’re angels the lot of you x

 

[BettyCrocker]

Thank you everybody for the messages it really helps to know people think the same. I have stayed away from my phone for the day and feel better for it, I did mention to her that I couldn’t physically be with her all the time and she seemed to have calmed down and understood. It sounds awful but it’s been really nice to just have some quiet (even if I do miss her - we have talked so often it’s weird not to )

I talk with her through text - never phone - we have facetimed a few times so I know who she is. Regarding the death, I am assuming it’s genuine based on her reaction but it isn’t in my nature to question it. i wouldnt Feel comfortable talking to her family, although I know of them I get the sense she hasn’t spoken to them about me.

Thank you all. You’re angels the lot of you x

My gut feeling is that you are being played.
she is using you and trying to emotionally lean on you. I’d urge you to break the “friendship” off and get out of it.
bottom line here is that you don’t really know who this person is. You don’t owe them anything so don’t be emotionally played.