Housemate troubles

[Lalalaxxx]

Hi all,

Just looking for a bit of advice about my house mate situation. To start I live with my boyfriend and his sister. It has worked quite well until about a year in. She seems to think that since we are all family that her housework should be shared. Not the general housework like cleaning common areas but doing her washing, washing her dishes and cleaning out her gone off food from the fridge. This was an unspoken thing and she never told us that she expected us to do these things. She is constantly not doing her dishes, leaving them for days at a time until myself or my boyfriend caves and do it for her. We have asked her to clean up and she will either do it in a huff saying that she always helps us or she will say I’ve been working all day and go off in a huff. I never have seen her empty or fill the dishwasher. With the washing machine she leaves her clothes in it for days and gets annoyed when we don’t transfer it to the dryer for her. Lately I’ve just been doing it for her as it prevents conflict and I’d never get to do a wash as her stuff is always in it!


So yesterday it all came to head. I had taken her wash out of the washing machine and left it in her washing basket and began doing my own. I had loads to do and I just wasn’t waiting for her anymore. Then of course she sends a passive aggressive text saying that we should give priority to the washing already in the washing machine before putting anything else on. So I told her that from now on, we look after our own washing and dishes because it’s just not fair and I’m sick of having to do her stuff aswell as mine . She then says that she was offended that I said that and she had been really enjoyed the easygoing lifestyle that we had and we all helped each other. I proposed a washing machine rota, so we can each have three days to do our washing and there wouldn’t be all doing it at once. She said we were all adults and she didn’t need a rota as we are all adults who can do washing whenever we want. And that if we have a rota for the washing machine it might go as far as having a rota for the dishwasher or even the toliet. I tried to kill her with kindness saying I always appreciated everything she’s done but now I just want to worry about my own stuff and my boyfriend backed me up. Now I’ve just been getting the silent treatment in the house. It’s really stressful and I’m finding it hard to be in the house without my boyfriend there as she’s slamming doors and won’t even look at me and we used to be good friends. What can I do to make this situation better?

 

[judgejohndeed]

Get your boyfriend to talk to her and sort it, it’s his sister after all. What kind of adult throws a strop because someone else isn’t doing their washing how old is this woman?

 

[Lalalaxxx]

Get your boyfriend to talk to her and sort it, it’s his sister after all. What kind of adult throws a strop because someone else isn’t doing their washing how old is this woman?

She’s in her late twenties. This is her first time living out of home. Yes she is also giving him the silent treatment and they would be quite close.

 

[yogiessexdubs]

I have been in similar situations and I've never remained friends with anyone I lived with! . I expect you feel like throwing a plate at her & rightly so.
For the sake of your relationship (you & your bf), do you think you could perhaps text her and ask to go for a walk & a coffee?. You'd be being the bigger person the, & also meeting on common ground (not in your home) might help. She may end up telling you lots of other things that might account for her recent behaviour.
I know this is prob the last thing you wanna do, but at least you can say you've tried!

 

[RR20]

Personally I couldn't be bothered to live with someone who acts like that. Could you and your BF move out and fine your own place?

 

[judgejohndeed]

She’s in her late twenties. This is her first time living out of home. Yes she is also giving him the silent treatment and they would be quite close.

Either you or your boyfriend need to just say to her she's causing an atmosphere and it's uncomfortable. She can't expect everyone else to do her housework. From my own experience with this kind of thing I feel it's better he does it as he's her brother, and if it ends badly the family might start being horrible to you. Plus he should know how to handle his sister.

 

[Lalalaxxx]

I have been in similar situations and I've never remained friends with anyone I lived with! . I expect you feel like throwing a plate at her & rightly so.
For the sake of your relationship (you & your bf), do you think you could perhaps text her and ask to go for a walk & a coffee?. You'd be being the bigger person the, & also meeting on common ground (not in your home) might help. She may end up telling you lots of other things that might account for her recent behaviour.
I know this is prob the last thing you wanna do, but at least you can say you've tried!

I think this might be the way to go. I don’t want to stoop to her level!

 

[yogiessexdubs]

I think this might be the way to go. I don’t want to stoop to her level!

Try to be as calm & patient as you can, & let her do most of the talking. At the very least you can retun to your boyfriend & say you bought her a coffee & 'tried'. He'll appreciate it (men aren't good with these things!).

 

[PineappleQueen19]

I feel for you. It’s horrible to have that sort of tension at home.

I wonder if it might be worth approaching it as a (hopefully) neutral conversation about what is reasonable and unreasonable to expect of each other as housemates. In other words play it a bit dumb - say that none of you are psychic so why didn’t we think to sit down and set out expectations to avoid tension? And you can include a bunch of other stuff like ‘I don’t mind anyone using my phone charger as long as it’s left in that same wall plug’ etc.

Hopefully then you can address her tit behaviour in as an non-personal way as possible and set some firm boundaries at the same time.

If she kicks off and makes it all about herself and/or gets defensive then you might have to accept it’s not a living arrangement that is going to work, because you are right to stand up for yourself and not be anyone’s doormat.

 

[Magee]

Say you’ll be happy to do her washing and cleaning up for £20 a week! Nice little warmer for something you’re going to end up doing anyway!!

 

[Sally1993]

She sounds completely lazy and entitled. I would move out and away from her asap.

 

[Magee]

Say you’ll be happy to do her washing and cleaning up for £20 a week! Nice little warmer for something you’re going to end up doing anyway!!

I meant earner but if it warms your cockles too go for it x

 

[JoeBloggs]

She's taken you for granted and unless she was doing your washing and dishes etc why on earth would you do hers. I would put this on your boyfriend now, his sister he needs to lay it down and explain to her she needs to be considerate and help. You are there to make her life 'easy'.

I used to live with someone who would leave wet clothes in the machine for days, in the end we just started dumping in her washing basket, so we could use the machine. I would never want to house share again, I can feel you pain.

 

[justheretoread99]

Similar experience when I was at uni. My housemate would never clean up after herself, leave dirty dishes on the drying rack next to all the clean ones, cook fish in the microwave and not clean it out afterwards. Just pure scruffiness and laziness. So I really feel you frustrations.

You can either, have a proper sit down chat about it face to face, like another posted has said, out of the house and come to the agreement of cleaning up after yourselves. Or, Just completely ignore her and her messiness. Leave her washing in her basket, leave her dishes etc and just hope she finally caves in. Or discuss living arrangements with your boyfriend if you 2 have the finances to move out. Good luck x

 

[Sheabutter]

I think taking her to neutral territory is a great idea. I’m puzzled about her hygiene. Do her clothing not smell moldy? And does she not have preferences as to what gets line dryer vs tumble dried? Leaving dirty dishes in the sink makes cleaning them harder down the line and attracts pests… I would never leave it to someone else to take care of these things. It sounds like she isn’t aware of the consequences of being lazy with basic cleanliness. I would go the chatting route because after all she’s family but if she doesn’t shape up, I would send her on her way.

 

[Warpaint]

Doesn't have to be a rota but I'd definitely stick with the everyone cleans up after themselves plan. Same with washing. If you know her routine you can just do your washing when she's not around.

If she gets uppity just tell her three is a crowd and see ya later Sister!

 

[Tinkerbell cat]

All I have to add is what a lazy brat. Near 30 and unable to do her own washing or dishes? Maybe she should move back home with her parents if she wants lifted and laid. I would stick with what others have said and just stick with the plan everyone cleans up after themselves. If she hasn't got time then tough, the dishes will sit there, she has to make time. We all have busy lives, but we can't take advantage of people. Good luck OP

 

[Bleurghgram]

I’ve learnt through years of houseshares that everyone has different tolerances for what’s acceptable around the house, and no one is ‘wrong’ - they’re just different. Even if they’re really obviously bleeping wrong you can’t force anyone to live the way that you are comfortable, you have to treat it as a difference of opinion rather than an accusation that’s they’re a slob.

The best rule I’ve agreed with people who have lower standards of cleanliness than me is that they leave the shared areas how in a way that they’re usable. So for example when I had a housemate who left her dishes in the sink because she worked nights and was too tired to do them, we agreed she’d stack them neatly to one side so I could still use the sink and they’d be her problem when it was more convenient.

I also try to bare in mind what they do for me so we can play to each other’s strengths. I live with someone at the moment who never puts the dishes away and whenever I feel like I want to throw a pot at his head, I remind myself of all the times he’s helped in other ways by cooking for me or getting me groceries while he’s been at the shop.

Basically it’s all a massive compromise because they probably find something you do annoying too.

Ultimately though if you really can’t figure it out with her, you shouldn’t live together.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Move out. Move out. Move out.

Why on earth would you live with your boyfriends sister?!

But until you can leave just carry on as you are. Do not give in to her - the tantrums and the slamming doors is eye rollingly juvenile and I’m going to guess this is how she acts whenever she doesn’t get her way? Stop pandering to her.
are the 3 of you all named on the lease??