Can I ask if this was ever a conversation when you guys first met?
Did he ever tell you that he intended the woman he was with to be religious too?
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Did he ever tell you that he intended the woman he was with to be religious too?
Not boring at all! Also not on his side whatsoever, but it’s very very likely his family have put pressure on him to make you convert or to end things with you. I suspect this was not his choice, and he has been made to do this, out of fear of losing his family and being disowned.
It sounds like you’re really compromising, but from his side it’s quite limited. Please be careful because I think he might tell his family he has ended with you, but talk to you on the down low (from his calls and texts I think that’s what’s happening). Ultimately unless you convert (which I don’t really recommend), or he leaves his family, there isn’t much room for a relationship or marriage. I know it’s really difficult.
A family friend I knew had a girlfriend who was non-Muslim, had his fun with her, they were together for ages (family didn’t approve obv). He talked to her secretly, made all sorts of promises that he would marry her etc etc. One day, he out of the blue got married to a Muslim woman that his parents had chosen and that was that. He pushed his girlfriend to the side after he had used her
I don’t want to scare you because of course I don’t know your ex, and he could be a totally different man. It does sound like he really misses you and is heartbroken without you, so he may just ditch his family and be with you. 11 years is a long time to suddenly drop someone like that
Sending love
XI have met his family & he is more like western in his views and not shy to tell his family things. But agree i dont know what conversation happens at home, behind closed doors. I did cry on the phone to his sisters & they were really sad. But didnt offer any alternative. I understand its hard for them being muslism.. I did try and he muslim a number of times but it wasnt for me & hes inability to compromise put me off, along with his changing views made me nervous about my reality in 3/4/10 years time. Thank you for sharing your stories. Hopefully he doesnt find this chat as he will know its about him straifht awayNot boring at all! Also not on his side whatsoever, but it’s very very likely his family have put pressure on him to make you convert or to end things with you. I suspect this was not his choice, and he has been made to do this, out of fear of losing his family and being disowned.
It sounds like you’re really compromising, but from his side it’s quite limited. Please be careful because I think he might tell his family he has ended with you, but talk to you on the down low (from his calls and texts I think that’s what’s happening). Ultimately unless you convert (which I don’t really recommend), or he leaves his family, there isn’t much room for a relationship or marriage. I know it’s really difficult.
A family friend I knew had a girlfriend who was non-Muslim, had his fun with her, they were together for ages (family didn’t approve obv). He talked to her secretly, made all sorts of promises that he would marry her etc etc. One day, he out of the blue got married to a Muslim woman that his parents had chosen and that was that. He pushed his girlfriend to the side after he had used her
I don’t want to scare you because of course I don’t know your ex, and he could be a totally different man. It does sound like he really misses you and is heartbroken without you, so he may just ditch his family and be with you. 11 years is a long time to suddenly drop someone like that
Sending love
He was reallly western. We went clubbing, drinking everything together then about 3 years ago, that all changed and he started praying etc.. & i tried to convert and lived a lie for a bit but couldnt continue with it as i felt it wasnt me.
If he can’t be with you for whatever reason fair enough. But what isn’t fair and what isn’t right is him constantly reeling you in with 3 hour phone calls where he tells you how much he loves you etc - it’s emotional pressure. He’s telling you that if only you would convert then that’s the golden ticket to being together. It stinks. Please just get away from him. This kind of bullshit never ends well!!
I really feel for you because it must feel as if you've been lied to or deceived in some way because of his sudden turn around.I have met his family & he is more like western in his views and not shy to tell his family things. But agree i dont know what conversation happens at home, behind closed doors. I did cry on the phone to his sisters & they were really sad. But didnt offer any alternative. I understand its hard for them being muslism.. I did try and he muslim a number of times but it wasnt for me & hes inability to compromise put me off, along with his changing views made me nervous about my reality in 3/4/10 years time. Thank you for sharing your stories. Hopefully he doesnt find this chat as he will know its about him straifht away
He was reallly western. We went clubbing, drinking everything together then about 3 years ago, that all changed and he started praying etc.. & i tried to convert and lived a lie for a bit but couldnt continue with it as i felt it wasnt me.
You tried and that's all you can do. If converting wasn't for you and he can't compromise then what more can you honestly do? You can't give up yourself to please someone else because in the long run you could come to resent him for it.
I'm sending you lots of love and hope that you're at least feeling okay.
There are a million red flags in everything you post. Please, forget this guy. He isn’t for you.I have met his family & he is more like western in his views and not shy to tell his family things. But agree i dont know what conversation happens at home, behind closed doors. I did cry on the phone to his sisters & they were really sad. But didnt offer any alternative. I understand its hard for them being muslism.. I did try and he muslim a number of times but it wasnt for me & hes inability to compromise put me off, along with his changing views made me nervous about my reality in 3/4/10 years time. Thank you for sharing your stories. Hopefully he doesnt find this chat as he will know its about him straifht away
He was reallly western. We went clubbing, drinking everything together then about 3 years ago, that all changed and he started praying etc.. & i tried to convert and lived a lie for a bit but couldnt continue with it as i felt it wasnt me.
I understand, it is really hard especially when you said the rest of the relationship is great. You make a good point that if he changed so drastically (from clubbing, drinking etc), to the religious guy who prays now, who could he be in 5/10 years? I do find it quite odd that he used to drink, but when you tried to be Muslim and said you drank he got upset? It seems a little hypocriticalI have met his family & he is more like western in his views and not shy to tell his family things. But agree i dont know what conversation happens at home, behind closed doors. I did cry on the phone to his sisters & they were really sad. But didnt offer any alternative. I understand its hard for them being muslism.. I did try and he muslim a number of times but it wasnt for me & hes inability to compromise put me off, along with his changing views made me nervous about my reality in 3/4/10 years time. Thank you for sharing your stories. Hopefully he doesnt find this chat as he will know its about him straifht away
He was reallly western. We went clubbing, drinking everything together then about 3 years ago, that all changed and he started praying etc.. & i tried to convert and lived a lie for a bit but couldnt continue with it as i felt it wasnt me.
Whatever the case I wish you good luck lolly x
Thank you
yes lots of emotions i have are from frustration & his hypocrisy and me just feeling baffled how someone could change so much! xxHello!
Hope no one minds me joining in this thread. Recently broke up with my partner. We were long distance, him Manchester, me London.
Lots of red flag behaviour that I just ignored but him repeatedly showing as active on every platform but not having the ‘energy’ to reply to me, then forgetting my birthday, was the final straw.
He's since got loads of new girls he’s added on Facebook. It’s just gross. He made no attempt at all to save us. I’m trying to remember it is all for the best and I chose to end it. But some days are unbearable.
sending you all love. X
I don’t know if this helps anyone but I found it really theraputic to write down every reason in detail that the relationship ended. I keep it in iPhone notes and make sure to repeatedly look at it especially if I’m missing him and wanting to make contact.
These were my reasons feel free to use as a template:
-the person I fell in love with was kind, empathetic, funny, generous, loyal, always there for me and others, attentive, charming, generally very consistent.
-the person I broke up with was hot and cold, snappy, inconsistent, manipulative, often very selfish, complacent, apathetic, disrespectful, at times cruel, unable to communicate, unable to meet almost any of my needs.
-I felt I put in the majority of work to sustain the relationship in the final months
-I felt I put in the majority of the work to make up after any disagreements/fights
-intermittently made effort with me as and when it suited you. Lack of consistency.
-silent treatment / ignored me as and when it suited you including ignoring messages / not returning phone calls.
-very little concern for my needs or will only meet my needs as and when it suits you OR when meeting my needs ALSO met your needs eg sex
-inappropriate/worrying attitude towards sex and sex being used at inappropriate times.
-became complacent / apathetic within our relationship. You got very comfortable and change in attitude.
-Caring for your dad used as an excuse almost constantly for why you cannot meet my needs or why you behaved poorly. If not your dad, your own mood is used as to why you can’t be there for me or put anything towards our relationship. Always an excuse, never ownership of behaviour/willingness to change.
-struggled with proper apologies. Always sorry with caveat. No ownership.
-unable or almost completely unwilling to see things from my point of view.
-constant disrespect which intensified since late jan:-
-referring to my vagina as a c*nt on two occasions whilst sexting
-inappropriate and worrying attitude towards sex
-ignoring me but being able to engage with others online, in-front of me at times in groups we were in mutually
-commenting on other women’s photos knowing I’d see.
-telling me to duck off and swearing at me repeatedly when mad
-losing temper / snapping at me repeatedly
-forgetting my birthday
-calling me an old witch on my birthday over the phone
-manipulative / gaslighting behaviour on numerous occasions eg saying you have always called my vagina a c*nt when turned on - when the first time this ever happened was in jan, saying you get enough ‘behaviour’ off your dad, you don’t need it off me, sending me photographs of your dad unwell during conflict to deflect from your own crappy behaviour and in an attempt me make me feel sympathy for you.
-telling me to ‘get a hobby’
-‘jokingly’ repeatedly that I have no friends hense why I call you.
-mocking my self harm asking me if I self harmed using a butter knife.
-calling me a ‘lunatic’
-telling me that I talk tit on the phone snd it’s the same stuff over and over and right now with your dad you can’t be dealing with it
-unable to take any criticism aimed at you without losing your temper or directing it all back at me telling me I’m not perfect, which no I’m not, which I admit and own.
-will give insults / make jokes but cannot take it back
-all your needs constantly surpass mine and everything is brought back to your needs / own life.
-feeling I was not allowed to voice any needs of my own or issues within the relationship without being totally attacked for having needs / wants. The only wants and desires I am allowed are sexual. Walking on egg shells constantly to try to be happy / avoid conflict so basically suppressing all my needs/wants. Getting very little out of the rship myself.
-telling me I’m needy.
-you feel you have to punish me as a means of getting control over me, eg: ‘you’ve misbehaved I will not tell you my positive news now that I have time off college as I’m now in a bad mood.’ Or ‘I was going to come down to see you but now you’ve ‘acted up’ I won’t.’ Another example is that we argue which creates anxiety and to maintain control you keep the argument / silent treatment going for as long as possible. You’re reasoning is that me voicing concerns or being upset warrants you punishing me.
-creating jealousy liking / loving / commenting other women’s photos on fb etc knowing it made me uncomfortable and I don’t like it
-you tell me it’s ‘creepy and weird’ me ‘stalking’ you on Facebook. You don’t acknowledge any of your behaviour that has led me to feel so insecure and paranoid I’m doing this as creepy or weird. Or that how you’ve acted as a boyfriend isn’t really acceptable. You don’t question why your girlfriend has gone from feeling quite secure in herself to an insecure paranoid mess.
-You seem to like me feeling para /anxious /insecure/ jealous because you were unwilling to change behaviours / didn’t see anything wrong with your behaviour you just patched things up when they were brought up / or argued with me and then intensified the behaviours that created my insecurity /anxiety. No intention of fixing things or finding cures to move relationship forward.
-no discussion/ inaction about where we are going in the future and long term/ where will we live / family life etc just coasting. Want some direction/ movement from you even in the way of convo of what direction our lives are heading. Hints are dropped that you will never leave manch, and don’t ever want to commit which sets off alarm bells
Hope no one minds me joining in this thread. Recently broke up with my partner. We were long distance, him Manchester, me London.
Lots of red flag behaviour that I just ignored but him repeatedly showing as active on every platform but not having the ‘energy’ to reply to me, then forgetting my birthday, was the final straw.
He's since got loads of new girls he’s added on Facebook. It’s just gross. He made no attempt at all to save us. I’m trying to remember it is all for the best and I chose to end it. But some days are unbearable.
sending you all love. X
I don’t know if this helps anyone but I found it really theraputic to write down every reason in detail that the relationship ended. I keep it in iPhone notes and make sure to repeatedly look at it especially if I’m missing him and wanting to make contact.
These were my reasons feel free to use as a template:
-the person I fell in love with was kind, empathetic, funny, generous, loyal, always there for me and others, attentive, charming, generally very consistent.
-the person I broke up with was hot and cold, snappy, inconsistent, manipulative, often very selfish, complacent, apathetic, disrespectful, at times cruel, unable to communicate, unable to meet almost any of my needs.
-I felt I put in the majority of work to sustain the relationship in the final months
-I felt I put in the majority of the work to make up after any disagreements/fights
-intermittently made effort with me as and when it suited you. Lack of consistency.
-silent treatment / ignored me as and when it suited you including ignoring messages / not returning phone calls.
-very little concern for my needs or will only meet my needs as and when it suits you OR when meeting my needs ALSO met your needs eg sex
-inappropriate/worrying attitude towards sex and sex being used at inappropriate times.
-became complacent / apathetic within our relationship. You got very comfortable and change in attitude.
-Caring for your dad used as an excuse almost constantly for why you cannot meet my needs or why you behaved poorly. If not your dad, your own mood is used as to why you can’t be there for me or put anything towards our relationship. Always an excuse, never ownership of behaviour/willingness to change.
-struggled with proper apologies. Always sorry with caveat. No ownership.
-unable or almost completely unwilling to see things from my point of view.
-constant disrespect which intensified since late jan:-
-referring to my vagina as a c*nt on two occasions whilst sexting
-inappropriate and worrying attitude towards sex
-ignoring me but being able to engage with others online, in-front of me at times in groups we were in mutually
-commenting on other women’s photos knowing I’d see.
-telling me to duck off and swearing at me repeatedly when mad
-losing temper / snapping at me repeatedly
-forgetting my birthday
-calling me an old witch on my birthday over the phone
-manipulative / gaslighting behaviour on numerous occasions eg saying you have always called my vagina a c*nt when turned on - when the first time this ever happened was in jan, saying you get enough ‘behaviour’ off your dad, you don’t need it off me, sending me photographs of your dad unwell during conflict to deflect from your own crappy behaviour and in an attempt me make me feel sympathy for you.
-telling me to ‘get a hobby’
-‘jokingly’ repeatedly that I have no friends hense why I call you.
-mocking my self harm asking me if I self harmed using a butter knife.
-calling me a ‘lunatic’
-telling me that I talk tit on the phone snd it’s the same stuff over and over and right now with your dad you can’t be dealing with it
-unable to take any criticism aimed at you without losing your temper or directing it all back at me telling me I’m not perfect, which no I’m not, which I admit and own.
-will give insults / make jokes but cannot take it back
-all your needs constantly surpass mine and everything is brought back to your needs / own life.
-feeling I was not allowed to voice any needs of my own or issues within the relationship without being totally attacked for having needs / wants. The only wants and desires I am allowed are sexual. Walking on egg shells constantly to try to be happy / avoid conflict so basically suppressing all my needs/wants. Getting very little out of the rship myself.
-telling me I’m needy.
-you feel you have to punish me as a means of getting control over me, eg: ‘you’ve misbehaved I will not tell you my positive news now that I have time off college as I’m now in a bad mood.’ Or ‘I was going to come down to see you but now you’ve ‘acted up’ I won’t.’ Another example is that we argue which creates anxiety and to maintain control you keep the argument / silent treatment going for as long as possible. You’re reasoning is that me voicing concerns or being upset warrants you punishing me.
-creating jealousy liking / loving / commenting other women’s photos on fb etc knowing it made me uncomfortable and I don’t like it
-you tell me it’s ‘creepy and weird’ me ‘stalking’ you on Facebook. You don’t acknowledge any of your behaviour that has led me to feel so insecure and paranoid I’m doing this as creepy or weird. Or that how you’ve acted as a boyfriend isn’t really acceptable. You don’t question why your girlfriend has gone from feeling quite secure in herself to an insecure paranoid mess.
-You seem to like me feeling para /anxious /insecure/ jealous because you were unwilling to change behaviours / didn’t see anything wrong with your behaviour you just patched things up when they were brought up / or argued with me and then intensified the behaviours that created my insecurity /anxiety. No intention of fixing things or finding cures to move relationship forward.
-no discussion/ inaction about where we are going in the future and long term/ where will we live / family life etc just coasting. Want some direction/ movement from you even in the way of convo of what direction our lives are heading. Hints are dropped that you will never leave manch, and don’t ever want to commit which sets off alarm bells
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Something quite similar happened to me 10 years ago. I was 24 been with my partner about 6 years and I had a baby under a year. He left, within 2 months he was in a relationship living together. I was completely broken for a really long time. I didn’t date for around 3 years as I was never ready and I’m unsure of the reasons now but I’ve never been able to fully commit to a relationship since. I just focused on me, my child and my career since. It’s very strange.
A lot of people struggle with the sunk cost fallacy. Thinking they've invested so much time and emotion that they can't give up and just a little longer they should push. It's the same mentality that keeps people gambling. But the longer you hold on to something that's never going to be or is making you unhappy is another day you avoid finding real happiness. The reality is unless you make the decision to cut it off, you'll still be here in 10 years thinking you'll go just a little longer.
this is so true. Just read your story. Did you have a gut feeling there was anything going on with your ex and the colleague before the break up? I had a niggiling feeling with my ex but no solid proof. It disgusts me that they cannot even be honest in giving closure, but their egos are too big to admit they are in the wrong it seems. They have to be the innocent party or better still a victim. Once a cheat always a cheat, very sad but he’s clearly got the tendency to stray. Glad your life has gotten better. x
I started reading this thread last night and just thought I’d add my two cents in, @LateG0ssiper i notice you don’t like/react or reply to any comments regarding your situation which probably means you want to ignore what’s really happening with your husband but makes me think of my parents.
My dad walked out on my mum nearly 4 years ago with absolutely no reason or signs it was coming just packed a bag and left, didn’t say he wanted a divorce and told me and everyone else he just needed some space. He moved in with his best mate (divorced, lives alone) and completely cut all contact with my mum and told me he was depressed and needed some time alone, the whole time my mum cried to anyone she spoke to that she ‘needed him’ and ‘can’t throw 20+ years of marriage away’ and ‘mabye he’s just going through something and will come back’. 8 months down the line it came out that he had been having an affair on and off for years, no-one knew, not even my dads best mate he was living with! And the worst part of it all my mum wouldn’t accept it, it was a ‘midlife crisis’ and she would have gladly taken him back, I felt so bad for her but also found it really embarrassing she wouldn’t accept it was over. In the end shereluctantly filed for divorce (he never did, dragged his feet the whole time!) and she nearly called it off numerous times because she was so sure he would come back and it would be a ‘blip’ in the marriage. Now fast forward a few years my dad is still with the woman and my mum is on her own, finally accepts that the marriage is completely over and is doing a lot better and doing things for herself, it really was awful seeing her desperately trying to cling onto the marriage and make excuse and excuse for him and losing all her self respect and confidence.
I’m just saying don’t hold out for this happy ending that may never happen because you’ve been with him so many years, if he was to ask you for a divorce would you accept it or would you make excuses for him and try and blame it on lockdown/mental health? If you were to ask for a divorce and he was to agree would you finally accept that the marriage is over? Don't waste months waiting for him to make the first move, that’s what my mum did just because she couldn’t face reality and she wasted nearly a year hoping that it would sort itself out
My dad walked out on my mum nearly 4 years ago with absolutely no reason or signs it was coming just packed a bag and left, didn’t say he wanted a divorce and told me and everyone else he just needed some space. He moved in with his best mate (divorced, lives alone) and completely cut all contact with my mum and told me he was depressed and needed some time alone, the whole time my mum cried to anyone she spoke to that she ‘needed him’ and ‘can’t throw 20+ years of marriage away’ and ‘mabye he’s just going through something and will come back’. 8 months down the line it came out that he had been having an affair on and off for years, no-one knew, not even my dads best mate he was living with! And the worst part of it all my mum wouldn’t accept it, it was a ‘midlife crisis’ and she would have gladly taken him back, I felt so bad for her but also found it really embarrassing she wouldn’t accept it was over. In the end she
I’m just saying don’t hold out for this happy ending that may never happen because you’ve been with him so many years, if he was to ask you for a divorce would you accept it or would you make excuses for him and try and blame it on lockdown/mental health? If you were to ask for a divorce and he was to agree would you finally accept that the marriage is over? Don't waste months waiting for him to make the first move, that’s what my mum did just because she couldn’t face reality and she wasted nearly a year hoping that it would sort itself out
@LateG0ssiper i noticed you also hadnt reacted to anything or replied for a few days, I hope you are coping okay 
That's so upsetting to read. I hope your mum is doing better now. I'll never understand how people can do this to their partners. It seems like a lot of people just can't be honest and communicate anymore.
She is doing better now although the last year with lockdown and being on her own has been hard, it took along time for her to go from heartbroken to then full of bitterness to acceptance but I think she’s finally there, she isn’t interested in meeting anyone else but she’s 52 and has 3 grown up children. I don’t understand how people can do it either, my dad is the last person I would have expected it from but it has made me realise that you can’t fully trust anyone.
Just my two cents, but every single man I know who has left a ‘committed’ relationship - out of the blue, due to depression, wanting to find himself, is unhappy but confused, it’s not you, it’s him - always has another woman. Men seem incapable of simply ending a relationship and moving on solo.
My husband’s best friend left his partner a few years ago and ‘moved to his parents to sort his head out’. I actually had respect for him, because he claimed they were unhappy and there was no sense dragging out the relationship. Meanwhile, he was telling his parents that he was staying at our house (unbeknownst to me). In reality, he was at his new girlfriend’s place. Six months later, I’m introduced to the ‘new’ girlfriend. It took me less than 30 minutes to suss out that she had been around for much longer than the ‘few weeks’ he claimed. My husband eventually admitted he knew all along but stayed quiet.
And I know of another two men who have similar stories. I personally would rather know that my partner was leaving me because he’d met someone else or I caught him having an affair over wispy washy excuses that hurt and confuse. You can draw a line in the sand and move on. But if his reasons for leaving aren’t so clear, it’s hard to see the situation so starkly. Some people just can’t stand being the ‘bad guy’ and think that if they drip feed the breakup it’s better than bluntly ending it.
My husband’s best friend left his partner a few years ago and ‘moved to his parents to sort his head out’. I actually had respect for him, because he claimed they were unhappy and there was no sense dragging out the relationship. Meanwhile, he was telling his parents that he was staying at our house (unbeknownst to me). In reality, he was at his new girlfriend’s place. Six months later, I’m introduced to the ‘new’ girlfriend. It took me less than 30 minutes to suss out that she had been around for much longer than the ‘few weeks’ he claimed. My husband eventually admitted he knew all along but stayed quiet.
And I know of another two men who have similar stories. I personally would rather know that my partner was leaving me because he’d met someone else or I caught him having an affair over wispy washy excuses that hurt and confuse. You can draw a line in the sand and move on. But if his reasons for leaving aren’t so clear, it’s hard to see the situation so starkly. Some people just can’t stand being the ‘bad guy’ and think that if they drip feed the breakup it’s better than bluntly ending it.
No, none at all! Looking back there were possible signs but nothing conclusive.
Hi everyone, feel silly posting this as it’s not really an “ex” but I’ve been feeling so down the last few days, a guy ive been seeing, and really hit it off with, broke things off as he realised he’s not over his ex (a long term relationship and messy break up), and he’s realised he’s actually not ready to see or even speak to anyone. He said all these things about being excited to see me, to take me to all these places, and he’s never connected to anyone like he did with me. I met some of his friends as well which made memories flood back and he realised he’s not ready for anyone to feel the gap.
I do genuinely believe he meant all of it and it’s just awful timing, he was teary and seemed so frustrated, but I’m just so so gutted because I feel like we had something. We are now not speaking and I just feel so sad and lost lol
I do genuinely believe he meant all of it and it’s just awful timing, he was teary and seemed so frustrated, but I’m just so so gutted because I feel like we had something. We are now not speaking and I just feel so sad and lost lol
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