Telegraph are on fire with Prince ChImpO's first day at work... Long, but so, so delicious.
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He's joining the tech set, but how will this Old Etonian royal fit into the jargon-heavy world of Silicon Valley?
www.telegraph.co.uk
According to a statement, his role will include “driving advocacy and awareness for mental health”, “guiding BetterUp’s social mission”, “influencing the vision of BetterUp’s platform” and “expanding BetterUp’s global community of thought leadership.”
So that’s all perfectly clear, but how will an Old Etonian, who until only last year lived for most of his life in a palace, get on in the high-intensity, jargon-heavy, tech and investment bubble of Silicon Valley? Let’s imagine his first day…
4am, Santa Barbara
Harry and Meghan, not at home, but near their home CREDIT: ITV
Prince Harry wakes with a start.
His Oula ring data tells him he has been thrashing about all night and barely slept a wink, which is confirmed by Meghan sitting up in bed, glaring at him.
“H, it’s going to be OK, you don’t need to be worried about how you’ll fit in,” she says, noticing that Harry is googling “What is a Chief Impact Officer?” again.
“Huh?” he says, typing, “but What is a People Experience Platform” into the search bar, “I’m not worried at all, it’s just a job. That’s why we came to California, isn’t it? To follow our passions. Do what we want, get…” He swallows hard. “Jobs.”
He clambers out of bed and pulls on his new uniform: tight grey T-shirt, chinos, trainers without socks, and a sleeveless Patagonia bodywarmer.
A little later, he glides into the kitchen on his new e-scooter and sees his favourite breakfast of waffles with jam and yoghurt, ready prepared on the table.
“Meg,” Harry says, “let me speak my truth: I work in Silicon Valley now, and the guys there only have smoothies for breakfast.” He picks up the plate, drops the contents into a blender, purees it into a fine gloop, and downs the lot. In a high chair in the corner, Archie looks on with disgust.
Harry glances at his smartwatch and frowns. "Christ, I’m late now. Clegg told me you have to be there by dawn or you’ll never find a charging point… Wish me luck.”
6am, a gleaming office complex in San Francisco
Ahead of Prince Harry’s arrival, BetterUp CEO Alexi Robichaux gathers employees on beanbags in the Foosball Ideas and Vitamins Arena to delivers an update.
“Good day, blue sky thinkers and facilitators of two-way synergetic conversations,” he says, “I just wanted to touch base real quick to say that we have a new starter today, and he’s desperate we just treat him like any other employee. In fact, he’s so keen to keep a low profile that I won’t say his name and you may not even notice him for a few we–”
An employee cuts Robichaux off and points to a window: “Is it Prince Harry?”
The staff turn to the giant glass walls where, outside, a convoy of 18 Range Rovers – nine either side of a single, exhausted, sun-stroked man on an e-scooter – pull up.
Robichaux sighs. “Right, it’s Prince Harry. But when he’s in here, he’s asked that we call him something like ‘Chad.’ OK?”
At that moment, Harry bursts through the door, helmet under his arm, dry-heaving. “Hey all… Sorry I’m late… I ran out of battery at the end of the driveway and had to manually scoot here to protect my carbon footprint. Still, quite an impact eh? For a Chief Impact Officer? We’re gonna have a great time.”
The crowd smile politely, before an HR representative, holding a new starter hoodie with the words “HRH Prince Harry, Duke of Sussex, Earl of Dumbarton, KCVO, ADC” visibly duct-taped over and replaced with a handwritten “Chad”, leads him away for a tour.
11am A boardroom
Harry wheels into an office filled with senior executives, who are all seated on unicycles, for some reason, and wearing VR headsets.
“Righto, hi guys,” Harry says, stacking four beanbags on top of one another to create a makeshift lectern. “Bit weird you’re wearing those, but I’ll roll with it.”
“Hey, Chad,” the chorus responds.
“Totally chuffed – I mean, hyped, I mean, stoked, I mean, vibed – to be here today starting as Chief Impact Officer, and I’ve had some thought-bombs. Have you got a whiteboard or anything?”
They do not, but do hand him an Etch A Sketch. Crudely, Harry writes the words “HONESTY”, then, six minutes later, completes “COMPASSION”, then, a further 14 minutes on, “DIALOGUES”. To this last one, he adds an ‘up’ arrow.
“I want to create an environment that is honest, compassionate, and lifts critical dialogues. Thank you.”
A silence falls, before Robichaux begins clapping and looking around for others to join him. “So good. So. Good. You’re making an impact already, and this is just so honest and compassionate as a dialogue, which is what we are about here, pivoting to a disruptor bootstrap model of mental health. And it just sounds so rad in your accent! Do you reckon you could get the Queen to back it, Your Roy– I mean, Chad?”
Harry looks stumped. “I thought you didn’t want to utilise my family connections? I’m a private citizen now.”
“No, no, totally get that… What about Oprah? No? Kate? All right… Edward, is that his name?
Or just, like, James Corden?”
Harry’s face lights up. “Corden I could do. He’s always texting, and I don’t think he’s ever said no to anything.”
1pm The Canteen
After opting for the “Cheat Day” option in the BetterUp cafeteria, steamed broccoli topped with chia seeds, Harry stands awkwardly with his tray, eyeing various tables to join. They are all full, so he sits alone to eat. His phone buzzes – it's a video call from Meghan.
“Hey, I just wanted to check in,” she says.
“Megs, I told you not to call me ‘chicken’ – everyone still thinks you rescued me,” Harry snaps.
“What? You sound in a bad mood. Why are you wearing a namebadge that says ‘Chad’?”
“Never mind. Oh Megs, it’s just so tough, I don’t have a clue what anyone is talking about." He sighs. “How did you cope when you were a lawyer?”
There is an uncomfortable pause.
“H, you do know that I wasn’t a real lawyer? I just
played a lawyer…”
3pm, ‘Chad’s’ office
Harry decides to cancel all his afternoon meetings after he reads an email from Robichaux in which the CEO declares his ambition to be the owner of “a unicorn.” Misinterpreting the message wildly and keen to make a good impression, Harry commits the rest of the day to ringing around old friends in England, attempting to secure a horned horse. “What do you mean they’re mythical, Sir David? There’s one on the bloody royal coat of arms, explain that!” he hisses at an unnamed 94-year-old naturalist.
By 5pm, his security packs his e-scooter into the boot of a Range Rover and drives him home.
9pm, Santa Barbara
Back at the ranch, Harry lies in bed, staring intently at his laptop. Meghan climbs in and looks at him proudly.
“Prepping for tomorrow, huh? It’s nice you have something to do now, I was getting worried when you were just binge-watching
Ice Road Truckers and asking if we could go home yet.”
When she glances back over, Harry is asleep. Meghan smiles and carefully extracts the laptop from Harry’s grasp. Before closing it, she checks what he was reading. There are two Google tabs open.
“Job vacancies for people who mainly open buildings for a living, los angeles, or helicopter pilot?” reads the first. And the second: “Does the USA need a prince?
within 5 months
within 9 months
within 1 year
never and will keep merching it with 
