Groomed online as a teenager *trigger warning*

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I was a victim of online grooming as a teenager. I stress a strong trigger warning on this post.

This all happened about eleven years ago when I was 14. I was on a music online forum and there was a 19 year old boy on there at the time who used to always troll me / take the mickey out of anything I posted. One day I messaged him asking him what his problem was and to stop and he agreed we should “turn over a new leaf and start again” and he gave me his MSN Messenger email address so that we could chat on there.

This started off fairly innocuous. We would just talk about music and shared interests, but then he started flirting with me and complimenting me excessively. Looking back, I think I thought this was a compliment at the time but he eventually coerced and encouraged me to begin the first of many instances of performing sexual acts on myself on webcam. During these, he would phone me and tell me what to do each time and I would always hear him “finish”. Afterwards, he would always tell me that I couldn’t tell anybody about these instances. I just thought at the time it was because he wanted to be private about it but since growing older I’ve realised that it was probably because he realised that it was wrong. Sometimes I try to protest and say I didn’t want to but he would keep pushing me to do it and I really didn’t want to get trolled again or be “in his bad books” again so I kept doing it each time.

He would often meet up with other people from the music forum we were on and he told me that he had slept with one of the other (of age) girls on there and had really “wished it was me”. I’m not sure how I felt about that at the time really.

We met in person eventually as he got tickets to go to a gig in London and asked me to go with him. My parents didn’t pick up that anything “strange” was going on and so they said yes and that I could go. I really wish they had just said no. He touched me while we were there inappropriately over my clothes that day. I freaked out and had to pretend I wasn’t when I met my parents at my home train station.

He apologised to me by text a couple of days later, through which we had no contact. We continued talking as normal and a few weeks later he went completely silent for a couple of days. I found out from someone else on the music forum that he had had a car accident and that he was now blind and suffering from memory loss. We lost touch due to this as I was young and didn’t really know how to handle this or what to say. His MSN and Facebook accounts disappeared and I didn’t hear from him for years.

When I was 18, 7 years ago, I got a friend request from him on Facebook. He reached out to me to apologise for everything that he did to me. He said he remembered some of it but not all due to the memory loss but that what he did remember didn’t show him in the best light and he regrets it now. I told him OK, he then kept trying to call me and then left me several messages asking me to call him...one of them said he wanted me to talk sexually to him again. Clearly he wasn’t sorry and so I deleted and blocked him and have had no further contact.

As I have gotten older, this has all played on my mind somewhat. I think I freaked when I got to the age of 19 myself and realised that it wasn’t necessarily normal to be attracted to school age teens. I certainly wasn’t myself! I realised how young that is and how easily influenced I was at that time.

I’ve confided in friends close to me who all say to me that I had been groomed and abused. Work recently sent me on an NSPCC Course regarding Child Abuse and it really triggered me because the “signals” of online abuse and grooming were all there.

What I am really struggling with is how my parents, who knew the age gap and that we were talking, let me spend time with him. I would never let any future child of mine do that. I have since told them the true extent of what happened, only a couple of years ago, and after a year and a half of therapy sessions. Neither of them apologised to me. They were visibly shaken. I still resent them for allowing this to happen to me. I was young and they should have protected me.

The therapy that I had also allowed me to see that in my adult romantic relationships, I had been leading with the sexual side of myself, because this is how I had “learned” to get attention from men. I have since untrained this behaviour in myself but it took some doing. I’m now in a happy relationship of three years, my partner is supportive and of course, knows all about this.

I am not sure whether it is the lockdown but I’m spending quite a lot of time in my own head about this at the moment. I’m feeling a fair bit of shame and sadness that this happened to me, combined with disappointment in my parents. Apart from going back to therapy, I’m not sure what else I can do to rid myself of these feelings.

Sorry for the long post. I wasn’t going to post it but I’m not sure who else could offer me impartial opinions.
 
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Omg poor you :cry:. That sounds so bloody horrible.
I haven't experienced anything similar so really would not feel qualified to offer advice but what did your parents say? Did they say why they thought it OK for you to spend time with him? Are they quite naive do you think?
I had my parents let me down badly over something (I think) - not like your situation - but even many years later I think I'm OK but the hurt and injustice of their actions does resurface and I go straight back to the horrible time and am upset with them all over again. I never dealt with it properly with them tbh.
Have you spoken to your parents about it since your initial conversation? Maybe they now misguidedly think you are OK if you haven't. I wonder if you could speak to them (possibly when you can see them again) in a non confrontational way eg 'I'm sure you were extremely upset over what I told you and I know it is a lot to take in. As you can imagine I'm still coming to terms with it' and maybe they could open up a bit more about it? Offer you a few answers as to why they behaved as they did?
Argh this probably is totally unhelpful.
Hopefully someone else here can have good advice.
Hope you are OK though. x
 
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I think that they maybe didn’t understand just how dark people can be on the Internet at the time, maybe. I have not spoken to either of them about this since the conversation in which I told them that this happened. My Dad obviously straight away was angry that this had happened, my Mum more tried to make excuses about the way she had not picked up the red flags.

Thank you for your perspective.
 
I'm so sorry this has happened to you, none of it was your fault and clearly you are still being tormented in your own head.

Usually when we go over and over something in our head it's because we're not sure how to process the emotions we are feeling so maybe you could do with some therapy on your feelings towards your parents ?

I went through something similar as a child (family member) and when I told my parents many years later they pretty much told me I was either mistaken or lying so i know exactly why you're resenting them, in fact their reaction can make you wish you hadn't told them at all!

I hope you can find some peace and it's great to hear that you have an understanding partner xx
 
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Hey, this happened to me too. It started from just before I turned 13 up until about 16. I’m almost 20 now. A couple of them I met up with. But I was online groomed by at least 50 different men. I had no ability to say no or be assertive.
I just try to block it out now. I won’t ever go to the police, the evidence is long gone.
 
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I don’t have any opinions to offer just wanted to let you know you’re not alone.

I was groomed online by a 25 year old and he took my virginity a month before my 15th birthday. I’m now 25 myself and only recently have allowed myself to think about it again and realise how vile it was and that it was rape, as I’d never thought of it as rape before.

I hope you’re ok x
 
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I don’t have any opinions to offer just wanted to let you know you’re not alone.

I was groomed online by a 25 year old and he took my virginity a month before my 15th birthday. I’m now 25 myself and only recently have allowed myself to think about it again and realise how vile it was and that it was rape, as I’d never thought of it as rape before.

I hope you’re ok x
I’m OK. I do get a little upset whenever I think about it though. I think as you say, it’s the realisation that gets you. The lightbulb moment when you really realise what has happened to you. I’m sorry that you had the experience that you did. I hope that you are dealing with it as best as you can. Don’t be afraid to share it with others or a therapist if you need to. 💜

Has anyone seen #justiceforellie
I have not, what is it?
 
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Theres a lot going on with the justice for ellie thing... I am originally from B-I-F and whilst its apparent she's been abused, there is more to this story that's not included in the JFE campaign. Her trial is this Friday and I hope it sheds some light on the situation.
 
I was groomed, it was before the days of the Internet but happened over phone calls etc and he ended up taking my virginity. I was OK with what happened, never talked about it etc etc however one day I ended up talking about it with my husband and told hin what had happened. His reaction made me realise what had actually happened with me and totally messed my head up. I've gone though all emotions, shock, anger, guilt, shame etc.

Im sorry this has happened to you. Your feelings are very real and valid. I think being in lockdown gives us a lot of time with our thoughts and feelings and we are cut off from our normal coping strategies. Perhaps look at therapy and counselling through services specifically aimed at people who have experienced sexual assault through grooming. Sending you love x
 
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MSN, habbo hotel, bebo .... all those sites were full of predators that preyed on young girls excited to make friends or use the internet. You could make so many “friends” on there and all of them could be fake or with bad intentions.
 
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I am so very sorry that this has happened to you. You've taken one of the best steps to tackling this by just sharing your story and putting it out there. Sometimes, just talking about things takes a whole weight off and allows you to breathe. I'll also say that you are not alone here, there will be many others who have been through what you have, so by sharing your story you'll be helping others too without even realising.

I was also groomed when I was 14 by a man aged 29. We started talking over MSN and arranged to meet. He picked me up off the train one day after school - I'd told my mum I was going to a friends house for dinner. He took me to an empty property he said his friend was in the process of renovating. There weren't even any curtains. When we were there I told him I'd lied and I was really only 14 (I'd previously told him I was 16), and his response was "that's okay, I knew anyway". We had sex that evening and he took my virginity. Afterwards I started crying and asked him to take me home. He dropped me at the end of my street and I ran straight to my room and cried and cried. I never spoke to him again, but he drove past me about 5 years later and I'll never, ever forget his face.

I too only learnt in my adult years (I'm now 30) that this was sexual abuse and it's something I've really struggled to get my head around. I've been on antidepressants and had many therapy sessions.

I think the point I'm trying to make here by sharing my experience, is that I'm still here, you're still here. That person that abused me, like the person who did the same to you, has not won. I have a wonderful partner, a beautiful home and a good career. It sounds like you too have a great, supportive partner and a bright future.

We have our whole lives ahead of us and you must always remember that these things, however traumatic, will only ever make us stronger.

Take care of yourself ❤
 
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