Getting over an infatuation.

[Littlemisadoughnut]

Ok so hear me out, I’m ready for scores of “you’re the bad guy” here.

I’m 31F, and married to the guy I met when I was 20. We have a decent enough relationship, but I have sneaky suspicion he isn’t attracted to me. Well, not enough as he should be. He never complements me, we rarely have sex. The power dynamic has always been in his favour, he is a little older. I moved to where he lives and grew up, and still now have difficulty making friends in the area so my support network outside of the relationship is small. I have friends but they are scattered around, and I feel like I keep a lot of this private from them due to that 30s pressure to pretend everything is perfect.

I went on a solo trip to Europe recently, and made friends with a younger group who I had a few nights out with. They were early twenties, so nothing too weird, they were nice to include the hostel grandma! One young American lad was very friendly and made sure to invite me along to everything the group did. He was very flirty “I love your dress” “you’re very distracting” etc etc.

For context, this guy was a total flirt and tried it on with EVERY girl there. Literally every single girl in every destination he went to. I know he had no real interest in me specifically, he was just being young, attractive and travelling. He made a pass at me in a club which I turned down of course. But now I can’t get him out of me head! I have him on insta and have been posting things to see if I’d get a like out of them from him etc. it’s sad and pathetic tbh.

i have a bit of form for getting obsessive. In my teenage years I was always the ugly one that never had anyone fancy them. Whenever I liked someone it was never reciprocated, so i got used to just lurking in the background keeping my distance and following people online, living in a bit of a dream world. My husband is the only person who has ever really pursued me.

this is not really about the American kid. That would never lead anywhere and I know is not something I would ever pursue and nor would he!!! However is it telling that maybe I should reconsider my relationship? I’m tempted to bury these thoughts and remember all the lovely things about my significant other, and also remind myself my own shit stinks too and I’m very hard to love. And honestly the thought of trying to navigate dating etc again just sounds horrendous.

What the hell is going on?!

 

[rainbowlemon]

I think deep down you already know at the moment your relationship with your husband isn't working. Counselling either individual or couple could help untangle your feelings and help you make a choice.

 

[Sibz]

Best way to get over a crush is to get to know them better! All crushes are complete fantasy where you stay at a distance imagining them being what you want. When you get to know the real person you see all their faults and how irritating they can be and how little interest they show in you, which dampens the passion and puts things back in perspective. This is going to be difficult in your situation though, you're only seeing them at their best on social media, so I think it would be a better to unfollow them and try and distract yourself when you find yourself thinking about them, and with time the feelings will fade. Maybe imagine them doing stuff that repulses you like farting or sitting on the toilet with the door open and at the same time remember the little things about your partner that you appreciate and made you fall in love to try and stir up those feelings again sounds like the real issue is you don't feel attractive to him anymore and the American guy made you feel attractive?

 

[LittleMy]

It sounds like you need to reevaluate what you want from your relationship. You’re missing that attraction, someone showing an interest in you and making you feel wanted. It isn’t surprising that you’ve reacted this way to someone flirting with you if you’ve found that your marriage has gone stale. Have you tried communicating this with your husband and finding out what’s going on between you? It may not necessarily be that he isn’t attracted to you, but maybe he’s going through something himself that he hasn’t felt able to confide in you about?