Gentle parenting

[Caffeine Fiend]

Gentle parenting is not permissive parenting. I think the issue is that people don't fully understand gentle parenting and the media portray it to be parents never saying no, allowing their children to do whatever they like.

Also parents perhaps don't fully grasp that you can be a gentle parent but still have many boundaries.

Children are little people, they have minds of their own, feelings and don't have emotional maturity to deal with all of these feelings.

For me gentle parenting is about nurturing my children and helping them work through any feeling they may have such as angry, bored, sad, frustrated. To let them know it's ok to feel these things and how to manage them.

When they were really little distracting and redirecting. Mirroring the behaviour I want to see.

We still have rules in our home and there are consequences for actions but logical consequences. Not punishments for the sake of it.

I was brought up in an authoritative household with physical punishment. Its created a people pleaser who struggles to say no. I only felt love from my parents when I was doing exactly what they wanted me to do. I'm constantly anxious that I am doing what other people want me to do or expect of me.

Children need consistent boundaries but these do not need to be applied with an iron first.

FWIW I don't really care how other people parent, just wanted to put across my point. I have read most of gentle parenting books and none of them advocate permissive parenting and never saying no.

Edit - also treating my children with respect. Allowing them to voice opinions on certain things, even if we don't always do what they think or want to do. I want them to grow up to feel valued and know their own worth and have confidence.

 

[Kim Mild]

I don't understand why people are so reluctant to say no these days, it is often the most likely answer.

I don't think treating children like they have to be seen and not heard is a good way to parent either.

People do confuse discipline with shouting at kids because they've got angry, not because of the kids actions.

 

[Snippysnips]

I have my neice a ton, it depends on what she's doing tbh if am going to be gently or not, if it's somthing just silly like splashing in the bath an waters going everywhere then I don't mind it so much, it can be cleaned up easy an she has fun

But I won't be gentle with everything, there's times am stern with her, she comes into the house an wants to lift ornaments, that's not allowed otherwise she will do that at everyone's house an maybe drop them. Same with shops it's a no no to touch anything least she think shes allowed to touch whatever an end up breaking somthing

Honestly i would say gentle is fine for some things but you do need to be stern, they need to learn when your really meaning NO compared to when you can be a bit more of a relaxed no an they will decide to stop or not, tbh I don't think you can be fully gentle, would you want to be gentle if your kid ran out on a road without looking? Of course not, they need that authority in your voice to know that they just can't do that an it won't be there if your being gentle, they will brush it off

My cousin is raising his kids without using "no" he says he doesn't want to be negative to them, it's turning out a fine mess, 2 incredibly disrespectful kids that have full on meltdowns at everything, they snatch things from other kids, one of them wouldn't take a swimsuit off for 6 months, they had to go buy another one so they could wash the thing, they let them dress themselves which a lot of the time is not good as they aren't wearing appropriate clothing if it's raining or cold etc

So no I really don't think gentle parenting is the best way, you are the parent an not their best friend

 

[Caffeine Fiend]

You sound like a fab mum!

I was also raised by two parents who would often lose control of their tempers and smack me sometimes, or just generally shout in a way that you could tell they had just lost it. I never want my kids to see me out of control with rage.

I must admit at the moment I’m struggling, my mental health is the worst it’s ever been and it’s so hard trying to be a good mum when you can barely get through the day!

Oh listen, I shout, its inevitable sometimes. Noone is a perfect parent. Kids seem to know exactly how to push our buttons. I definitely shout a lot more than Id like to.

However I chose to bring them into the world and they are people, not robots who will do exactly what I say when I say it. They have free will.

Its my job to show them the right way, not force them to do it.

The fact that you worry about being a good mum shows you are. We're only human too and life is hard. We can only do our best at the end of the day and your best looks different every day.

 

[HoGi]

I fell out with my sister in law as she was gentle parenting and also wasn't using the word no. One of my nephews walked up to my TV with both fists raised and went to punch it. I shouted no and grabbed him and she went mental. When I asked if she would be buying me a new TV when he broke it she backed down.

A friend of mine has fallen out with every member of her family (she is one of 7 siblings) as she is gentle parenting and has raised two little horrors. Her mum thinks it's a load of rubbish (having raised 7 kids) but obviously she knows best.

I think there is gentle and there is not losing your rag. I totally get not losing your rag with kids for the reasons mentioned above about meptions etc. However there have to be boundaries and reward/punishment. Kids will test you and it is parents responsibility to teach them right from wrong.

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

I do think too many people want to be understanding of their children’s feelings all the time now and they don’t want to risk upsetting their child over anything incase it damages them. When in reality it’s probably more damaging for them never learning the word no.

I saw on a forum that a six year old had ripped up his mum’s ticket for somewhere that she had treasured for years and that she wasn’t shouting at him because she was trying to be understanding of his feelings… for me personally I think the child should have been punished. She didn’t need to shout and scream, but regardless of the child’s reasons he needed to learn that ripping up his mum’s stuff is awful behaviour and he should have been reprimanded.

There are too many children now who don’t know how to control themselves and it won’t end well when they grow up. The problem is far too many people are taking gentle parenting too far and aren’t disciplining their children at all. I can understand not shouting at your child for having a tantrum (as long as they aren’t damaging property or hurting others), but if they’re being unruly then they need to be told.

 

[Notworthy]

Time and a place. Sometimes you reason with them, sometimes you have to be authoritarian, just depends on the situation. As to the word No, it's something we all gave to deal with, we all get told No at some point, I did however make sure it wasn't the only word my Son heard, it could easily have been that way if I'd said no every time he was doing something annoying

 

[ADBABE]

What’s people’s thoughts on this? It seems all the rage at the moment. I’m trying to incorporate aspects of it to my parenting but it can be really hard!

 

[Motherofpugs]

I incorporate a lot of gentle parenting in my parenting style especially with regards to things like tantrums, emotions and adjusting my own expectations to be age appropriate. I do have boundaries though so I would say I’m a gentle but firm parent. Parenting has definitely taught me to be more patient that’s for sure

 

[Snippysnips]

I definitely agree with some of this and I think you’re spot on in being firm with your niece with certain things. For me it’s more about controlling how often I shout at them, and validating their feelings when they have a tantrum about something. I try and remember children aren’t emotionally mature yet and they have tantrums because they have big feelings that they don’t know how to express so I try and talk to them rather than just yell and say stop it. I guess their is a fine line, in my opinion your cousin is wrong for never saying no, kids need healthy boundaries but I think there is a way in which you can set these whilst still being gentle.

I try an take a deep breath an remind myself don't shout, i have 30+ second cousins all ages an watched them as well as the few little cousins I have and if any where seconds away from a tantrum or meltdown I come down to their level looked them straight in the eyes an gently said "OK let's breath an count to 3 an you can tell me what's wrong" this won't work all the time as somtimes they are past that but the majority of the time it was more frustration they were feeling an lashed out because they don't know how to deal with it, to me I feel like shouting is adding fuel to the fire an will only cause them to scream back, some of them actually truely HATED me when I was calm as they wanted a screaming match so when I didn't offer it they actually calmed down a bit an I was able to take control of it

But I agree it's hard, they push your buttons, and you can feel the anger inside you build up especially when they know they are pushing their luck with you, but I've definitely experienced all the tantrums an meltdowns, the am not going to bed, the over tired one's, the full of sugar ones, the they took my toy, the I want out an you won't stop me etc, but there's always a source of it, somtimes it's tv that's to blame, somtimes it's their friends to blame, but bringing yourself down an getting them to count is a good one, I also used to ask them "are we talking or listening" so they had a choice, they could either rant at me what was the matter an I just listened or we could talk back an forth about it

An yeah I agree my cousin is in for a very rough time with not giving them balance, no doesn't need to be a dirty word

 

[Tublet83]

I would say I try to be gentle - calm, rarely shout and scream. But I definitely say no - I’m in charge not them

 

[Peaches_xox]

I try to be as gentle as possible. As above I do have boundaries and we have rules. We do use the word no, but we don’t ever shout. Shouting isn’t effective in our house, my son won’t hear what he’s done wrong and will just hear the shouting and cry so we try and talk about why we shouldn’t do whatever shitty thing he’s done and how it makes us feel. It works for us. There is discipline but it depends on the crime. It’s usually just losing extra tv minutes or switch time for bad behaviour, it’s never a go to your room and think about what you did. Overall I have a quite well behaved boy.

 

[judgejohndeed]

The only well behaved child in my family is 'gently parented', his Mum was telling me all about it the other week. I thought it sounded like a load of bollocks to be honest but he is EXTREMELY well behaved and a joy to be around. He's only 3 though so I don't know if it would be a sustainable long term parenting method or alternatively whether he's just a good natured little kid and would be regardless of whether he was gently parented or not

 

[ADBABE]

Gentle parenting is not permissive parenting. I think the issue is that people don't fully understand gentle parenting and the media portray it to be parents never saying no, allowing their children to do whatever they like.

Also parents perhaps don't fully grasp that you can be a gentle parent but still have many boundaries.

Children are little people, they have minds of their own, feelings and don't have emotional maturity to deal with all of these feelings.

For me gentle parenting is about nurturing my children and helping them work through any feeling they may have such as angry, bored, sad, frustrated. To let them know it's ok to feel these things and how to manage them.

When they were really little distracting and redirecting. Mirroring the behaviour I want to see.

We still have rules in our home and there are consequences for actions but logical consequences. Not punishments for the sake of it.

I was brought up in an authoritative household with physical punishment. Its created a people pleaser who struggles to say no. I only felt love from my parents when I was doing exactly what they wanted me to do. I'm constantly anxious that I am doing what other people want me to do or expect of me.

Children need consistent boundaries but these do not need to be applied with an iron first.

FWIW I don't really care how other people parent, just wanted to put across my point. I have read most of gentle parenting books and none of them advocate permissive parenting and never saying no.

Edit - also treating my children with respect. Allowing them to voice opinions on certain things, even if we don't always do what they think or want to do. I want them to grow up to feel valued and know their own worth and have confidence.

You sound like a fab mum!

I was also raised by two parents who would often lose control of their tempers and smack me sometimes, or just generally shout in a way that you could tell they had just lost it. I never want my kids to see me out of control with rage.

I must admit at the moment I’m struggling, my mental health is the worst it’s ever been and it’s so hard trying to be a good mum when you can barely get through the day!

 

[ADBABE]

I don't understand why people are so reluctant to say no these days, it is often the most likely answer.

I don't think treating children like they have to be seen and not heard is a good way to parent either.

People do confuse discipline with shouting at kids because they've got angry, not because of the kids actions.

Definitely! I think lots of people think that gentle parenting means no discipline but it’s definitely not the case.

 

[ADBABE]

I have my neice a ton, it depends on what she's doing tbh if am going to be gently or not, if it's somthing just silly like splashing in the bath an waters going everywhere then I don't mind it so much, it can be cleaned up easy an she has fun

But I won't be gentle with everything, there's times am stern with her, she comes into the house an wants to lift ornaments, that's not allowed otherwise she will do that at everyone's house an maybe drop them. Same with shops it's a no no to touch anything least she think shes allowed to touch whatever an end up breaking somthing

Honestly i would say gentle is fine for some things but you do need to be stern, they need to learn when your really meaning NO compared to when you can be a bit more of a relaxed no an they will decide to stop or not, tbh I don't think you can be fully gentle, would you want to be gentle if your kid ran out on a road without looking? Of course not, they need that authority in your voice to know that they just can't do that an it won't be there if your being gentle, they will brush it off

My cousin is raising his kids without using "no" he says he doesn't want to be negative to them, it's turning out a fine mess, 2 incredibly disrespectful kids that have full on meltdowns at everything, they snatch things from other kids, one of them wouldn't take a swimsuit off for 6 months, they had to go buy another one so they could wash the thing, they let them dress themselves which a lot of the time is not good as they aren't wearing appropriate clothing if it's raining or cold etc

So no I really don't think gentle parenting is the best way, you are the parent an not their best friend

I definitely agree with some of this and I think you’re spot on in being firm with your niece with certain things. For me it’s more about controlling how often I shout at them, and validating their feelings when they have a tantrum about something. I try and remember children aren’t emotionally mature yet and they have tantrums because they have big feelings that they don’t know how to express so I try and talk to them rather than just yell and say stop it. I guess their is a fine line, in my opinion your cousin is wrong for never saying no, kids need healthy boundaries but I think there is a way in which you can set these whilst still being gentle.