I walked in on my grandad watching porn. This in itself I can get over - he’s a man, men watch porn bla bla bla, I’m an adult and can handle that, it’s the wider context that’s just so grim.
I walked in on him once when I was a teenager (can’t remember how old, let’s say 15). Back then he was watching it on the family computer in the dining room (sounds fancier than what it was, a spare room basically). It would have been late at night, perhaps I’d stayed up late or been out somewhere and would have gone in to say goodnight and caught him unawares.
I already knew he watched porn because I’d hear him and my Nan argue about it all the time. She would also write these notes to herself, sort of like diary entries, about how much his porn use hurt her, which I’d find because she’d leave them out (presumably in the hope that he would find them, not thinking/caring as to whether or not I’d come across them instead).
He would also have the volume up so loud that I could hear what he was watching from my bedroom, which was above the dining room. This didn’t stop after I walked in on him. It continued when they moved house and the room I slept in was just across the landing from the computer room. The landing is tiny, it’s inconceivable that it wouldn’t occur to him that I could hear him, though by this stage I’d moved out for uni and was only back occasionally.
Both this time, and when I walked in on him when I was a teenager, I obviously turned around as quickly as I could. This time, I saw him as soon as I got to the top of the stairs because he was watching it with the door wide open with the laptop facing out. There are carers in and out of that house all day everyday.
Both times he saw me, but didn’t seem ashamed or embarrassed, just surprised to see me. There was no scrambling to shut the laptop/hide the screen, or even telling me to get out. He was bordering on blasé tbh.
I want to be clear that I’m not being prudish about the fact he watches porn, I really don’t give a fuck because obviously that’s knowledge I’d rather not have!! If it has just been this one time then I might even be able to laugh at the complete haplessness of it all - middle of the day, door wide open, people (me!!) in the house.
But it fits a pattern of a complete lack of boundaries and care for others. He has absolutely no respect. I’m disgusted by him honestly and feel so, so gross, I can’t shake the feeling off. He’s fucking gross.
He must have known what he was exposing me to when I was younger. Was that part of it? Or was he so porn addicted he just didn’t care? I fucking hate him right now. I don’t want to see or speak to him ever again. I don’t want to ever go to that house again. I did try talking to my Nan about it this time because I was trying to understand if he knew I was visiting that day (I’d called her earlier to let her know I was coming), but she kept saying she didn’t understand and would get upset, and tbh it wasn’t really a conversation I wanted to have with her so I left it.
I found more of my adoption papers recently, that weren’t disclosed in the ones I got. In them I found the letters my Nan and grandad wrote when they applied to adopt me. In his, he wrote that my mum didn’t have the ‘morals’ to be a mother. Just writing that makes me so fucking angry aghhhhhh. I hate him, I hate him, I haaaaate HIM.
🤍 
