Friend taking back partner after DA

[Somerset girl]

I'm not sure if this is the right place to ask this but I'm looking for advice about how to respond/deal with my friends decision to take back her partner after he attacked her (police involved - not the first time it's happened). Apparently he's a changed man/realised the error of his ways but I'm not sure I can face being around him (or more importantly want my children around him).

I don't want her to end up isolated but equally she seems to want me to pretend I don't know what he's done/behave 'normal' around him and I'm just not sure I can.

Am I making things worse for her if I say I'll continue seeing her but don't want me or my kids around her other half?

Thanks in advance for any advice, this is my only personal experience of DV and I don't want to do anything that might cause her more upset.

 

[Scorpihoe]

As unfortunate as it is, that she’s taken him back, I think you need to be there for her as much as you can. Support her and keep in constant contact with her (because I really don’t believe that domestic abusers can change).

but keep your distance from him as much as possible and do not bring your kids round to hers. If you need to make excuses do that e.g. they’re at a friends, your mum has them, they’re at swimming club etc.

 

[Somerset girl]

As unfortunate as it is, that she’s taken him back, I think you need to be there for her as much as you can. Support her and keep in constant contact with her (because I really don’t believe that domestic abusers can change).

but keep your distance from him as much as possible and do not bring your kids round to hers. If you need to make excuses do that e.g. they’re at a friends, your mum has them, they’re at swimming club etc.

Thank you so much for your advice. I too am very concerned that he's unlikely to change and I worry what could happen next time.

 

[Booington]

You put yourself first, harsh as it sounds. You can be there for her but decline any meeting where he is there and keep your kids away from him, I’d tell her that but say I’m absolutely here for YOU 100%

 

[hereforthememe]

You put yourself first, harsh as it sounds. You can be there for her but decline any meeting where he is there and keep your kids away from him, I’d tell her that but say I’m absolutely here for YOU 100%

Yep 100%. You have to look after number 1 - which yourself (and your kids tbf) - then your friend. It sounds harsh and selfish, but you have to.

 

[Chandler Bing]

I was in a similar situation and I'm sorry to say but I cut all ties with her. I refused to act normal and pretend I didn't know. I grew up in a violent home (both towards the other parent and us kids, and I've had beatings as an adult too from a parent for no reason), so while I understand it may not always be easy to leave, but I refuse to support someone who voluntarily puts herself back in the situation after already having been freed once.

 

[Begborrowsteal]

I eventually cut ties with a friend in the same situation. I was there whenever she needed, i even ended up having it out with the husband, i signposted her to all the right places but unfortunately, he was too good at isolating and manipulating her so i stepped back.

Do what you can for her within your own limits and staying safe yourself. Its tough, and its really hard for an abused partner to leave. Theres only so much a bystander can do.

 

[Somerset girl]

Yep 100%. You have to look after number 1 - which yourself (and your kids tbf) - then your friend. It sounds harsh and selfish, but you have to.

Thank you both. I kind of needed to hear this as she is upset I won't take my child to her child's birthday party because he will be there. My daughter knows a little of what he did (same class at school) and I don't want her to think 'why are you being friendly to this man when you know what he did' if that makes sense.

 

[rainbowlemon]

I grew up in a house with a lot domestic violence, Support her as much as you can, but be aware she might not ever leave. The real and sad danger is that he might actually kill her. We accept the love we think we deserve. Women's aid does off free counselling- can you point her to them?

Also do what feels right for you. I wouldn't want to be around someone like that either.

 

[Somerset girl]

I grew up in a house with a lot domestic violence, Support her as much as you can, but be aware she might not ever leave. The real and sad danger is that he might actually kill her. We accept the love we think we deserve. Women's aid does off free counselling- can you point her to them?

Also do what feels right for you. I wouldn't want to be around someone like that either.

Thank you. She got some support as part of the DVPO that was put in place but I will definitely see if she's seen that one.

 

[Grizzlybear]

Thank you both. I kind of needed to hear this as she is upset I won't take my child to her child's birthday party because he will be there. My daughter knows a little of what he did (same class at school) and I don't want her to think 'why are you being friendly to this man when you know what he did' if that makes sense.

I think you’re setting a good example for your daughter here by showing this behaviour is unacceptable. That’s a million times more important than what this woman thinks, sorry to say. She has chosen this You have a responsibility to your daughter

 

[carriebooboo]

I grew up with DA and later as an adult went through this with a friend. I even organised an intervention to get her away from him, which she agreed to... then went right back to him and had three (!) kids with the fucker. I stopped answering her calls because it was always the same and I just couldn't relive my childhood watching from the sidelines again.

 

[glitter tits]

I think you need to be honest with your friend and tell her she cannot be upset about your daughter not attending her child’s party - she has the right to choose to stay with her abusive husband but she does not have the right to dictate whether your child is around him.
Just wanted to say I feel for you, it’s awful being friends with someone in a DV situation because you’re so worried about them but also so unbelievably frustrated with them at the same time. I hope she finds the strength to leave him one day.

 

[Somerset girl]

I think you need to be honest with your friend and tell her she cannot be upset about your daughter not attending her child’s party - she has the right to choose to stay with her abusive husband but she does not have the right to dictate whether your child is around him.
Just wanted to say I feel for you, it’s awful being friends with someone in a DV situation because you’re so worried about them but also so unbelievably frustrated with them at the same time. I hope she finds the strength to leave him one day.

Thank you. That is exactly how I feel. I really thought this would be it because he was arrested and she gave a statement etc. He's wormed his way back in tho and I feel so deflated.

I just wanted to say thank you so much for everyone whos commented. It's such a tricky situation but I wanted confirmation my instinct to support her but stay away from him were right.