Food & Drink #11 Bum mints

[crystaleyesd]

Gather round ye fraus for the tale of the inaugural cabal meetup (written in JM style verbosity)!

Twas a relatively frosty eve in ol' London taaaaahn (please affect the same drawl as Michael Caine would 'traaaaaaazers') and an ancient tavern offered ample creature comforts for three thirsty fraus. Bedecked in their gladrags - grey and fraying CK sports bras, charity shop Vivienne Westwoods (RIP) and orange Nike Airs - the maverick mavens were delighted to find they completely resembled their forum likenesses. There was @Bookweevil, whose sultry Geordie tones periodically whispered 'she's lying', whilst brandishing a tennis racquet; @MarmiteExtract, with hair as unctuous and glossy as the yeast product that bore her name; and @crystaleyesd, from which a seductive ashy aroma emanated from a mouth that struggled to contain her unruly teeth. There were many drinks ordered - although, sadly, the establishment was fresh out of caviar vodka AND whiskbucha - alongside a veritable feast of food, all of which had texture. @Bookweevil even ordered a lasagne which appeared to contain NO horse spunk, or if it did, it had thickened up in the oven. Much revelry and frivolity was had, as the evil trolls delighted in sharing their favourite Tattle moments (saying 'grunka' in real life is WEIRD, FYI), from the best bits of Mayo Live (and the utter cringe 'candid' photoshoot) and DKL (anyone remember 'edible...garden???' - cos I didn't!), to theories on why Louisa LEFT. The fraus also got to know more about each others ACTUAL lives, which are yesABSOLUTELYx as exciting and glamourous as they appear on the internet. Fan favourite @Pocahontas even made a cameo appearance by video chat, where the eye of Sauron became apparent when trying to fit all three frauheads into one phone camera (we feel your pain JM!) - and yes, our princess is as stunning and as regal as she appears in your dreams . @Breakdance Badass was too busy swapping keys in the country to join, whilst @Alansbigplate was prepping the timetable for a James Bond marathon and couldn't make it.

Alas, all good things must end. Not nearly enough tea had been spilled, nor alcohol imbibed, when the coven were unceremoniously turfed out into the night - luckily, the Groucho club was still open and they were hosting their monthly orgy in honour of their resident urchin karaoke queen Jack! There were sex people from all walks of life, dressed in a variety of shower caps depicting beans in various states of undress/rinse - (this part may have been a dream @Bookweevil had, but none of us can remember).

Needless to say, we had a blast. And we wished all of you had been there too (three fraus do not a cabal make) - one day the fraubeque will happen, it will be magical, and we truly thank our very own maverick cupid @Jack_M for bringing us all together and forging beautiful friendships!

 

[Falkor]

@heretoreaditall2019 Glad your call had a good outcome

Yes, I'm very lucky, I have three horses - I live in the Highlands and we have a bit of land and they're all native types so don't cost a fortune to keep, as we can make our own hay and none of them are shod. The grey with the tape measure in his mouth is a Highland x Welsh D, he's 11. I've known him since he was a foal, when a friend bought him from his breeder, but only had him on loan since summer 2019 and bought him earlier this year and he's technically the one I ride, though I've sat on him a grand total of twice this year (I've been BUSY!). He's bright and I really need to be doing more with him, but I'm trying to lose my lockdown 15lbs before getting back on (he's 15.1 and a very solid cob, but he's not fit and I want to be at 15% or less of his weight before I start riding him again).

This is my old man, he's 25 and is a Hungarian native horse, he was imported from Hungary as a 12 year old. I've had him for 10 years and he's boss horse of the three. Very intelligent, his favourite game is undoing leadropes and wandering off when I've tied him to something - he can undo pretty complicated ones, so now he has to have a piece of string on his head collar as a safety break point so I can do a knot that stands a chance of keeping him occupied rather than a quick release that he'll get out of in seconds. Love him to bits and dread the day we lose him - I thought we'd be lucky to get to 27, but he's showing no signs of slowing down yet, so I'm starting to dare to believe we might get into his 30s.

And then this is my not quite so ancient, who was my previous one for riding. He's a 21-year-old Welsh D and has been here 8 years. If he was a human he'd have anxiety, he worries about things - clicker/marker training has been brilliant for him because it's a very clear 'Yes, good, right answer' and he's much more relaxed. He's the most complex of the three - he's had some problems with his stomach in the past and if he doesn't get enough forage through him or eats anything with garlic or alfalfa in it he can get really sore and grouchy, so I have to be quite careful about reading his body language. When he's feeling good though, he's the most playful of the three - if I'm poop scooping in the field and he wants me to go and do some loose schooling with him instead, he'll walk alongside me, giving me a little nudge every so often, and if I ignore him he'll get his nose under the side of the wheelbarrow and tip it over - this does not usually have the desired effect of making me go and play with him, but he still thinks it's a fun thing to do!

And there are a few of these kicking around the place as well This lot are out grazing several thousand acres of common grazing at the moment, but I've got three older ones in the fields, two of which are tame enough to eat from my hand.

Sorry, essay!

 

[Geetbo]

Im Northern scum so if anyone fancies meeting in a skip with our whippets I’d be well up for that.

 

[Pocahontas]

This thread is named after those really annoying kinds of sweets that stick to either a pocket or the seat of your jeans on a hot day. I think we have @Switchstreetz to thank for the title. Such erudite words.

Welcome, one and all

 

[Alansbigplate]

I made a food! Hello fresh shepherds pie, pretty good tbh and def made two portions so more tomorrow I had it as a late lunch/early dinner

 

[colouredlines]

I have been known to knit socks on occasion...

 

[heretoreaditall2019]

Hope it went ok @heretoreaditall2019

bless you so much! Thank you for checking my love sorry I was reading Jack’s chaos and cooking dinner. Guys <I love the drama.gif>

Spoiler: Sorry an ESSAY

he rang to let me know my boss (amongst many others) has been fucking fired?! Not because of me but a breadth of misdemeanours including one that sounds very fraudy My replacement couldn’t do my (our?) role and has been moved to another area of the business, which is more likely the reason I’ve had this call. So he’s proposing I move to his department as they’ve had to take my old work on anyway, but as this set isn’t in the central office I get to be remote! I don’t know what I think / feel, I won’t agree to a thing for a long while yet, it’s difficult as I’ve been in therapy as a result of round 1 of shit and finish up Thursday and have this big resilience plan to practice which may kill any possibility of going back anyway as I need to be happy for baby now, there’s more important shit in the world init! I do want to go back to work as a whole, I liked that role a lot but hated the toxic work envt that is allegedly being tackled by a number of dismissals across the biz. But I need to be super boundaried, I’ve got a monthly call with him now and next month is speaking more about what that role looks like. I’m gonna go slowly but really appreciate this guy actually giving a fuck, he said he would look after me once I was on mat leave but I sort of thought oh aye but he really has which is lovely. I’ve texted my work BFF to ask his opinion about it all, but he’s in the middle of no where on holz with no signal so may have to wait a week One of the big things I’m dreading is bitchy people being like omg she’s only working 3 days / why does she get remote / she had a huge falling out with boss / blah blah gossip blah. But tbh the T&Cs of my employment are no ones biz but my own so fuck it

 

[ChocolateTeapot]

I normally lurk, but if we're talking cattos (vom), here are my beasties. Candid, and looking like the idiots they are.

 

[Sentient mirror]

Hi. Is this the off topic thread? I tend to go off topic quite lot. And I am very fed up with JM at the moment. Waves to all.

 

[Pixieboots]

Any excuse to show people my little idiot.

 

[ComeForTheX StayForTheY]

I had my first day of employment today since December last year and wanted to share glad tidings Thank goodness, as I was down to my last few Emins, truth be told!

 

[Flumps]

So many lovely cats. All cats are marvellous, but we seem to have a collection of particularly splendid ones.

I did it fraus. I cooked food and ate it on the same day. I take terrible food photos and overdid the Parmesan cheese (if such a thing is possible), but I had a bowl of meatballs and pasta for my dinner. I know it’s supposed to be spaghetti and meatballs, but I am not a huge spaghetti fan.

 

[colouredlines]

Frauen and Herren welcome!

 

[spirals]

Lovely food and drink fraus, I am feeling down today. Everyone is talking about Christmas and Christmas food, and I am so worried about Christmas. I just don't know what to do because my mum is in England and I am not (Switzerland ) and it's looking more and more like I am going to have to choose between spending Christmas with her (which is also risky if I pick up the virus while traveling etc and give it to her) or with my kids and husband here. I don't want to take the children to UK because of the quarantine requirements when we come back. It's fine for my son, but my daughter just can't miss school at the moment. I don't want us all to be separated at Christmas but my mum will be all alone. Also weighing on me is that there has only been one Christmas I didn't see my mum and dad, and of course it was my dad's last Christmas. My mum is 82 and we don't really get on but I also don't want her sitting alone at Christmas - I suspect she doesn't have many left.

Edit, sorry for whinge, I guess I just wanted to get that off my chest.

 

[Nottonightbabe]

Lunch today - Mr Nottonight fancied meatball subs, so after toying with the idea of driving to Subway, we made them at home. I baked the rolls for it too
I have got in a huge mess trying to eat this...

 

[heretoreaditall2019]

@Geetbo I’m not far off you in terms of hairy legs give me a week to catch up. Also glam fire, v jealous. I painted my horrible 80s chic marble one black and I’m sort of scared of turning it on even though I used heat proof paint what if it goes full on inferno?

MT sympathy for Jack annoys me that she manipulates people into feeling this, as does the SH stuff. I’ve mentioned my husband getting a lot of online abuse and legit threats before but I just roll my eyes so much at this shit, like I’ve received actual threats myself as XX’s missus, and I struggle to align JM’s behaviour with her perceived threat level? Our house is a sentient mirror’s wet dream, I don’t tweet when I’m on a fucking train, and all my socials are locked lest I’m commuting to work one day and some toothless bloke I’ve never met feels obliged to call me ugly via Twitter It’s clear they just want to run social media like a joyless dictatorship to preserve the ducking amazing careers they’ve managed to secure selling old toot to the Guardian? I should start a podcast “it’s okay to call my husband fat on Instagram” and invite people with senses of humour about their trolls who aren’t obsessed with reading about themselves 24/7 on to discuss every alternate week I’ll get a tattle troll on, would be fab? Must call square space for that sponsor cash x

 

[HarderFaster]

I’ve added the peanut butter marmite to the shop for fun, and crumpets to give it the best chance to shine~ I will report back our reviews as soon as poss, with pics. The hummus wasn’t even listed, there was loads of stuff is out of stock too, but I did see a Lynx set (attached) - does marmite even have a smell? And is it one teenage boys want to drown themselves in?

@colouredlines it’s interesting hearing from a learned foody frau, thank you! With this stuff do you reckon the orthorexia clean eating shit is just classism / luxe Instagram curating? Like eating the snickers isn’t aspirational and you wouldn’t ever post it on your Insta stories but these weird raw bars that look like dung is? @HarderFaster is our articulate frau on these matters x

The @EddieBeds sleep victory is spreading, I’ve popped a cranky baby into that electronic swing and she drifted off! Feel guilty she’s been cranked up to 5 out of 6 on the speed settings tho

Ooh, juicy. I’ve been off this thread for ages but I totally agree that these “raw vegan gluten free” snacks are just a class signifier for skinny white girls who got bought a flat in Kensington for their 21st. If you’ve ever looked at the nutritional info on a Deliciously Ella snack recipe some have literally hundreds of calories and it’s all sugar and fat: just because it’s ‘coconut nectar’ doesn’t mean it’ll automatically not rot your teeth. Sadly so many girls who can’t afford 10kg of chia seeds a week are drawn into this world.

The other problem is the expectation of portion control: if you have a problem with bingeing () the amount of calories from coconut oil and peanut butter etc is frankly dangerous if you eat an entire tray of this stuff. In terms of enjoyment and perverse binge satisfaction and, surprisingly, nutrition, you’d honestly be better off having a large MacDonalds meal.

I did some interesting work a couple of years ago on food as symbolism and one of the things I found to be super interesting was that in immigrant food cultures there’s very much a “make do”philosophy, for example Ghanaian aunties poaching their chicken in jarred Bolognese sauce before frying it because it was easy and cheap to get from around the corner. Contrast this with hand-wringing Guardian articles about scouring London and the Internet to find a piri piri chilli and it’s obvious that white middle-class food culture looks to ingredients rather than method or intention for authenticity.

I think you can apply this also to the clean-eating gurus with their back alley “nutritionist” qualifications: their labelling of certain food as virtuous becomes a symbol and a shared language for them. It marks them out as special and it legitimises the eating disorders which are pretty common in those circles (and others - not trying to erase working class and non-white sufferers).

I really want a snickers now. Also I’ve written more here than I have done on the article I was supposed to submit two days ago.

 

[Geetbo]

If we’re doing sock warz again I have some heavy artillery today.

 

[heretoreaditall2019]

@Veronicaaa not boring crime stuff at all, love it! Although lol imagine someone just looking to discuss their dinner stumbling upon us - socks and why don’t we get serial killers anymore?

@colouredlines I’m so sorry for your loss What you’ve said is a really common critique of the true crime podcast wave that’s happening rn.

@crystaleyesd I love your write up & love that you guys all had so much fun Can’t believe you managed a lasagne after both horse spunk and JM fingering her M&S lasagne - the vivid recall would overwhelm ur senses surely? Agree with @Grizzlybear another London frau who would love to come, at this rate 2022 yeah? Was it weird when you all took off your masks to ~unveil the frau beneath?

@Toffee finger love Southend, the fraus should do their summer getaway there like an eastenders special. Dying of JM had effectively infiltrated the cabal and she turned up, I don’t know what we’d do? Scream? Run? Cackle?


@EddieBeds omg you poor things how horrific! I’d never have guessed they did more than the heel prick?! I can’t imagine how stressful that is as they scream after a jab and that’s in / out, is he doing better now? I agree with your diagnosis - longer in BF babies, I think c section too? And similarly with mucus section babies suffer, our cutie is experiencing a bit of sticky eye (I keep calling it wet eye and blame the MT). Looool traaazers, again the MT has made me realise I can’t say trousers I do say it with a z even though I really don’t have a strong regional accent!

@Flumps I don’t know why I always had you down as a SE London lady? Same with @Mustard !

Fuck long comment sorry. Got a video call with my cancer consultant this morning, can’t believe over a year ago she was cutting up my ovary and now we’ve got a baby chilling in the corner! xx

 

[Flumps]

This was when I lived in Barcelona 🔺️ That would be absolutely wild!!

Then definitely no. Which is disappointing isn't it? If we'd happened to be in Barcelona at the same time then on a thread about Bum Mints, it would have been quite the thing. Mine was in Blighty; the Spanish don't have the monopoly on oversharing their sex lives apparently.

Congrats on the working @ComeForTheX StayForTheY

Grr to the black dog days @Alansbigplate
I cannot offer you doggos (vom) but can offer a catto (double vom) who wants to know why I am taking photos rather than giving her the morning attention she deserves.