Food and Drink #18

[Into_the_tunnel]

Oh lads. How on earth do you come to terms with a relationship being over? How do you go from going through the motions to saying enough is enough, especially with young kids? Its all so sad.

Sorry that you are feeling this way. Is there anyone you can talk to to ascertain whether this is temporary or whether the relationship has come to the end of the line? Could talking help find a reason why you are feeling like this?

I agree with with @Falkor in that if you have decided the relationship is over, and the children are young it is better for everyone involved to move apart now. So sorry it has come to this. Sending hugs .

(@Falkor sorry to see your sheep post. I grew up on the very edge of the Peak District near Manchester and our house was next to a field owned by a lovely farmer. We had to go and check for lambs for him while he came down the hill. We also saw the sad side of lambing so your pics bring home a lot of memories.)

 

[Begborrowsteal]

Almost a year now of things not being right. Its really tit. Its all down to his behaviour as well, ive done nothing but try. I'll figure it out. Its just so sad.

 

[Into_the_tunnel]

Almost a year now of things not being right. Its really tit. Its all down to his behaviour as well, ive done nothing but try. I'll figure it out. Its just so sad.

Sorry if I got the wrong end of the stick. Maybe after a year of you doing all you can, talking isn’t going to work... .

I hope you can get some resolution at some point so you aren’t feeling so sad all the time.

 

[Begborrowsteal]

Sorry if I got the wrong end of the stick. Maybe after a year of you doing all you can, talking isn’t going to work... .

I hope you can get some resolution at some point so you aren’t feeling so sad all the time.

I can feel myself hardening to it all, becoming more apathetic. The situation is really sad, I've grown tired of it all.

 

[Cgenda]

I did a hair donation the other day for a cause that is close to my heart (15 inches so I am now practically bald) so wanted to see if I could post a link to the charity's website along with the before and afters of the back of my head to see if anyone wanted to donate as a sort of sponsorship but wasn't sure if it would be within the rules/a bit gauche darling etc!


Thank you for this! I emailed in but will reply to this too - I don't think I've done anything to be reported but if I have I would like to know so I don't misbehave in future!!

Excellent. Have donated. My mother in law donated her hair a few years ago. Such an important charity .

 

[Readingismyhobby]

Almost a year now of things not being right. Its really tit. Its all down to his behaviour as well, ive done nothing but try. I'll figure it out. Its just so sad.

I feel for you, it’s a very sad situation. Sending you hugs.

 

[Switchstreetz]

Almost a year now of things not being right. Its really tit. Its all down to his behaviour as well, ive done nothing but try. I'll figure it out. Its just so sad.

I'm so sorry, what an awful situation for you, especially over the last year.

Spoiler: Long post

I've never been divorced myself but my parents split when I was young. We would hear them arguing at night for almost a year leading up to it, or sense a very icy uncomfortable atmosphere or our mother crying and angry all the time. Although it was very hard for the first 6 months when they split up, it was honestly better for everyone once things settled down and we adapted to the new normal.

My advice would be if you're not happy please don't "stay together for the kids" although I know you're in a horrible position right now. If you think the relationship can be saved and it's just the pandemic that's added this stress, I'd suggest couples counseling if you can access that.

If not, get your finances prepared and work out an exit plan - e.g place to stay with a relative (if you think they will stay in the current house), if you will stay in the house then see what it would be like covering the bills on a budget for your sole income. (
If that puts you in the red then see if you can find out child support contribution amounts online based on salary, I'm not sure if the exact calculations the CSA use are available but there may be resources to help estimate it.

If you have the income available to save and separate bank accounts then start putting money aside in case you need a solicitor.

Plan the day you're going to tell your partner in advance, once you're ready sit your partner down on a day and time where you're both at your most calm to explain you want a divorce, rather than asking for divorce mid-argument or when one of you is already stressed/angry about something (so not in the morning during the school rush for example).

If you're both calm then hopefully you've got a better chance of working out a divorce mutually, if they're being a prick get the solicitor involved ASAP.

My siblings and I were played against each other and the other parent by our parents, I know it's hard but try not to mention in front of the kids that their other parent is a twit, even if they are a massive twit. Vent to adult friends, online forums or relatives rather than the kids. You're not superman though so don't beat yourself up if you never manage to 100% stick to that, it's inevitable you'll get frustrated in front of them at some point, just don't fall into the trap some parents do of trying to be "the favourite parent" by constantly putting down the other parent.

Feel free to take some all or none of this advice, please do what's best for you. You deserve to have a happy comfortable home to raise your kids in

 

[Begborrowsteal]

I'm so sorry, what an awful situation for you, especially over the last year.

Spoiler: Long post

I've never been divorced myself but my parents split when I was young. We would hear them arguing at night for almost a year leading up to it, or sense a very icy uncomfortable atmosphere or our mother crying and angry all the time. Although it was very hard for the first 6 months when they split up, it was honestly better for everyone once things settled down and we adapted to the new normal.

My advice would be if you're not happy please don't "stay together for the kids" although I know you're in a horrible position right now. If you think the relationship can be saved and it's just the pandemic that's added this stress, I'd suggest couples counseling if you can access that.

If not, get your finances prepared and work out an exit plan - e.g place to stay with a relative (if you think they will stay in the current house), if you will stay in the house then see what it would be like covering the bills on a budget for your sole income. (
If that puts you in the red then see if you can find out child support contribution amounts online based on salary, I'm not sure if the exact calculations the CSA use are available but there may be resources to help estimate it.

If you have the income available to save and separate bank accounts then start putting money aside in case you need a solicitor.

Plan the day you're going to tell your partner in advance, once you're ready sit your partner down on a day and time where you're both at your most calm to explain you want a divorce, rather than asking for divorce mid-argument or when one of you is already stressed/angry about something (so not in the morning during the school rush for example).

If you're both calm then hopefully you've got a better chance of working out a divorce mutually, if they're being a prick get the solicitor involved ASAP.

My siblings and I were played against each other and the other parent by our parents, I know it's hard but try not to mention in front of the kids that their other parent is a twit, even if they are a massive twit. Vent to adult friends, online forums or relatives rather than the kids. You're not superman though so don't beat yourself up if you never manage to 100% stick to that, it's inevitable you'll get frustrated in front of them at some point, just don't fall into the trap some parents do of trying to be "the favourite parent" by constantly putting down the other parent.

Feel free to take some all or none of this advice, please do what's best for you. You deserve to have a happy comfortable home to raise your kids in

My parents absolutely should have seperated but never have and it was an awful environment. Whilst we dont argue around the kids, they no doubt sense the atmosphere at times. I cant afford the house on my own, nor could he. Ive always wanted it to work, he does too but hes so ignorant to his own behaviours and mental health. He never breaks the pattern. Its just incredibly sad. Been together years, and its all gone wrong.

I have to think long term with money and housing. I may be able to afford the house in a years time when my income will change. Lots to think about

 

[Shesaidwhat?]

Oh lads. How on earth do you come to terms with a relationship being over? How do you go from going through the motions to saying enough is enough, especially with young kids? Its all so sad.

Oh @Begborrowsteal I’m so sorry, sending you all the love in the world

 

[NP]

I’m so sorry things are hard for you right now @Begborrowsteal. Children can be very resilient and adaptable. Staying together for the kids is usually worse than not being together at all. I hope things work out for you, whatever you decide.

 

[Oxford_Girl]

Oh lads. How on earth do you come to terms with a relationship being over? How do you go from going through the motions to saying enough is enough, especially with young kids? Its all so sad.

Tiny steps and staying kind to yourself

sending love

 

[fauxpoor]

Have settings changed on tattle or have I been naughty somehow without meaning to be?! My private message option isn't there anymore I wanted to ask @Pocahontas if something was allowed! Gah!

I've never been allowed to message anyone.

Oh lads. How on earth do you come to terms with a relationship being over? How do you go from going through the motions to saying enough is enough, especially with young kids? Its all so sad.

Really sorry you're going through this.
I got divorced years ago when my 3 children were all quite young.
I won't lie it was one of the hardest periods of my life.
Just take one day at a time, don't waste too much money on solicitors
and if, when you put your head on your pillow at night and can honestly say
you've done the best by your children that day, then you're doing okay.
Good luck.

 

[Begborrowsteal]

I've never been allowed to message anyone.


Really sorry you're going through this.
I got divorced years ago when my 3 children were all quite young.
I won't lie it was one of the hardest periods of my life.
Just take one day at a time, don't waste too much money on solicitors
and if, when you put your head on your pillow at night and can honestly say
you've done the best by your children that day, then you're doing okay.
Good luck.

We're not married, so thats one thing at least

 

[MaineCoonMama]

Sending some MC love out to anyfrau going through a hard time. My brother sent me this today, a dog he met on his current work site. He said she has a baggy head (!) but I think she's beautiful.

 

[Flumps]

Oh, @Begborrowsteal, I'm so sorry that you are where you are now. I suspect the break up I had with my daughter's dad was very different to what you're facing, so I am not sure specifics of that would be all that helpful to you now. I would say, though, that if you are able to take your time sorting the finances and practical side out, then I would do that, there's no sense in rushing it if you don't need to. In terms of the emotional side, I can promise you that you will come out the other side of this and look back and be glad that you didn't stay in something that wasn't working. It's so much better for the kids involved too, to draw things to a close rather than have them live in a weird sort of half life. They will be fine and you will be fine. It is hard, because it's change and such big change, but it will be better to be free and lighter in the long run, and that is what you will be. xxxx

 

[CabalofBolorneaise]

I have a bit of a personal question that I don’t dare ask anyone who knows me

Spoiler: Smear related - no graphic over share don’t worry!

Does anyone have any tips for calming themselves down before one? I get really just insanely anxious at the mere idea, the last couple I’ve dragged someone along to but obviously with COVID that’s not an option this time. I know it’s such a stupid thing to be scared of and logically I know the nurse will be understanding and patient but the mere thought of it is making me panic.

 

[Toffee finger]

I have a bit of a personal question that I don’t dare ask anyone who knows me

Spoiler: Smear related - no graphic over share don’t worry!

Does anyone have any tips for calming themselves down before one? I get really just insanely anxious at the mere idea, the last couple I’ve dragged someone along to but obviously with COVID that’s not an option this time. I know it’s such a stupid thing to be scared of and logically I know the nurse will be understanding and patient but the mere thought of it is making me panic.

Could you still take someone with you but they can just wait outside/in the car once you’ve gone in? I’m not sure about where you are but appointments here are running pretty much on time because of people not wanting or being able to hang about so hopefully you’d only have a few minutes on your own. It’s not stupid though, I panic before having mine done too.

 

[bowiethesdmn]

Re: the ridiculousness of tuxie cats, my flatmate just got an excellent pic of ours.

View attachment 564885

That's my favourite cat photo of the day

 

[Shesaidwhat?]

I have a bit of a personal question that I don’t dare ask anyone who knows me

Spoiler: Smear related - no graphic over share don’t worry!

Does anyone have any tips for calming themselves down before one? I get really just insanely anxious at the mere idea, the last couple I’ve dragged someone along to but obviously with COVID that’s not an option this time. I know it’s such a stupid thing to be scared of and logically I know the nurse will be understanding and patient but the mere thought of it is making me panic.

I take my earphones in with me and listen to my favourite songs. I don’t have the best experiences when it comes to having smears so I completely understand where you’re coming from.

 

[emm]

I take my earphones in with me and listen to my favourite songs. I don’t have the best experiences when it comes to having smears so I completely understand where you’re coming from.

I had one recently and made endless small talk with the poor nurse, you could tell she isn't interested in the random conversations I come up,( clearly not a cat person )with but it is a good distraction
Also in interesting news, I was asking about HPV and she told me that it is something that (once you have cannot disappear totally) but is very much based on your immune system, in the same way when you are run down you tend to be more susceptible to coldsores, so it can be at a higher or lower level. I found that fasinating!