Financial abuse/harrassment.

[Its_Me]

First of all please stop putting the blame on yourself. You are a victim, you are not weak, you are being controlled. You made one big step that was leaving him, that was brave. If you’re in UK I’m sure you have grounds to get a non molestation order against him. You can apply on the gov website https://www.gov.uk/injunction-domestic-violence you could also contact womens aid for further help and advice. You’re not alone and you’re not to blame yourself x

 

[Gossgirl12]

I know it’s hard because he’s the father of your child but he’s not your responsibility. He’s saying that as a way to control you, it’s classic. You’ve got to look after yourself, put yourself first not him x

This comment made me click submit on the application. Thank you so much. You're right, he isn't my responsibility. He's a 36 year old man. He's treated me like he is for around 12 years now, I look back and realise that I wasted my entire twenties being scared, anxious and worried and I'm now early thirties and can't continue to live like this wondering when his next rampage is coming.

 

[Gossgirl12]

I was with my ex partner, father of my son for 10 years, I ended the relationship 2 years ago after years of mental, financial and emotional abuse and 1 physical incident where he spat in my face in front of our child. Many people may not relate if they've not been through it but I feel like I need some advice/help now. I'll admit, I've not been able to be as strong as I should be. Years of abuse from him has affected me mentally, I get anxiety in certain situations, I go to pieces whenever I hear a man shout, even hearing his voice makes me anxious. I have him blocked on all social media sites and I've changed my phone number. The last few months, he's been sending messages to my sons phone for me which are usually messages telling me something has gone wrong, his radiator has broken, his headphones have broken, he's lost or washed his tobacco, he needs a fan as its too hot, etc and then demanding money from me. The latest episode, tonight, after I blocked him on my sons phone, him making a fake Facebook profile telling me he's fallen down the stairs and needs money to get to the hospital, he said he's bleeding from his eyes, he harrassed me for 2 hours to the point I gave in and gave him money concerned for his wellbeing, to then transfer the money and then him send me a 2 page message of abuse. He's demanding up to half of my wage every month and however many times I tell myself I can't continue this, or how many times I say no to him, he nags and nags and nags me so much that I give in. Why am I so weak? I hate this man with every inch of my being. When we were together, he did the same with money and also with sex, I'd give in because he'd hurl abuse at me if I didn't give in, I didn't enjoy it, I felt like I had to give in just to save myself the grief I'd get if I didn't. He doesn't work, claims UC based on his mental health but lives better than me who works 40 hours a week as a single parent because he sponges off me every month. Sometimes I even feel sorry for him as he's my sons dad. But I know that i need this to stop once and for all, I've begged him to stop contacting me and he says he will then makes even more fake accounts, I've blocked over 40 accounts of his now and no longer know what to do. Please be firm with me if you need to, I need it.

 

[Gossgirl12]

Yeah that makes sense. Depends on the context and people, you know the man you're dealing with best. Just wondering if it might be worth a try for OP as she can report him online to the police and they'll just come round for a chat, not as scary as going to court etc.

I've spoken to the solicitor today and she's going to send him a warning letter that if his behaviour continues, there will be action. I believe that may help to deter him, she said I can always revisit non molestation action at a later date if the behaviour continues.

 

[Valentina]

Thank you so much for your comment. Last night, after another poster sending me a link, I filled out an application for a non molestation order, I filled the whole thing out and then for some reason, when I got to the submit button i caved and didn't click it. The application is saved so right now I'm just trying to find the courage to hit the button. I always used to think I was such a strong person but this man has taken everything from me. I'm really at my wits end now.


He's never paid a penny towards him unfortunately. Only for the odd birthday or Christmas present. He feels like I owe him a living. He doesnt have anyone else in his life, his family don't speak to him, he doesn't really have any friends so I take the brunt of everything sadly. I'm struggling so much at the moment though, he just doesn't give me a break. Its every day and is incredibly draining. Going to the police scares me so I'm thinking a non molestation order is going to be the next step, when I find the courage to hit the submit button on the application. Thank you for your comment.


Thank you I used your link and filled in the application. Now I'm trying to find the courage to submit it, I'm just scared at the moment.

I can't offer any better advice than what It's me and Moth have given you. In fact I came to this thread today because my daughter is in an abusive relationship and I was looking for ways to help her. I just want to say that I am in awe of your bravery. I have seen first hand how an abusive partner robs you of your confidence and self worth. It sounds to me like your ex partner is stalking you, which is a criminal offence alongside the coercive control. You are not weak you are a survivor.

Have you looked on the Women's Aid website? I looked today and there is a chat facility, it might be helpful to have someone 'hold your hand' whilst you decide to take the next step.

 

[Tommyb]

Some great advice here. I know how you feel believe me. None of this is your fault. If he tells you he has fallen down the stairs ring an ambulance. I'm not kidding. You have to call his bluff. Xx

 

[Moth]

I did it through the government website, they say that once I click submit, a legal advisor will look through my application and then contact me. I'm just scared at the moment, will it tip him over the edge etc. He's made many threats to harm himself in the past and what if I do this and he does that? Womens aid did say that it's extremely rare for someone to say they'll do that then actually go through with it though.

I don't know about the government website but in the RCJ 'CourtNav' system I linked upthread, "clicking submit" does not initiate the application for the non-molestation order. Rather as you say it engages a solicitor who will check the form is properly completed and then contact you. You are not committed to making the application at that stage.

Your ex's threats to harm himself are just part of the way that he manipulates you. He knows how to trigger you, what buttons to press. You must accept the you are the victim in this. You don't deserve that, you deserve love and compassion, not him. You have to have love and compassion for yourself and realise that you don't deserve to be treated in this despicable fashion. Your ex clearly doesn't care about you but you must care about yourself (and your son) and do what you need to do to get him out of your life completely. You know this and you know that in the long run you will have a happier life for it. I realise it can seem overwhelming but you need to take it a step at a time, most importantly take the first step and then I think you will find the next step is a bit easier and the one after that easier still.

Edit: Just seen your last post. Well done! So proud of you. Keep going.

 

[Its_Me]

I did it through the government website, they say that once I click submit, a legal advisor will look through my application and then contact me. I'm just scared at the moment, will it tip him over the edge etc. He's made many threats to harm himself in the past and what if I do this and he does that? Womens aid did say that it's extremely rare for someone to say they'll do that then actually go through with it though.

I know it’s hard because he’s the father of your child but he’s not your responsibility. He’s saying that as a way to control you, it’s classic. You’ve got to look after yourself, put yourself first not him x

 

[Gossgirl12]

Some great advice here. I know how you feel believe me. None of this is your fault. If he tells you he has fallen down the stairs ring an ambulance. I'm not kidding. You have to call his bluff. Xx

I told him to ring an ambulance, he said no because all they'd do is check him over & not look after him and he needed someone to look after him so they could make him food I called his bluff previously by calling the police to do a welfare check on him as he hadn't answered the phone to his son for 3 days, he had the cheek to say he didn't speak to him because I was abusive towards him!! It's really hard isn't it. How men sleep at night treating women like this is just beyond me. X

 

[Its_Me]

This comment made me click submit on the application. Thank you so much. You're right, he isn't my responsibility. He's a 36 year old man. He's treated me like he is for around 12 years now, I look back and realise that I wasted my entire twenties being scared, anxious and worried and I'm now early thirties and can't continue to live like this wondering when his next rampage is coming.

Well done. I’m so proud of you!

 

[Moth]

Update.
I did qualify for legal aid. Unfortunately, I've pulled out. I don't even know what to say at this point. I've had too much time to think and I've scared myself and talked myself out of it. I doubt I'm even going to be able to change my mind again in the future now because nobody would take me on now. I've blown it.

I'm sorry that you felt you had to do that. As I said upthread, there is no 'right time' for deciding to do something about domestic abuse. Everybody is different in reaching the point when they are ready to act. Solicitors and other agencies dealing with these issues understand that and will be ready to help when you are ready. You haven't 'blown' anything.

 

[Moth]

Perhaps not surprisingly the stories here have been about men controlling or financially abusing women but it does happen the other way round. I recently had a case of a man in his 60s, in a very responsible job where for 33 years his wife had made him pay all the family expenses; mortgage, living costs, everything while she (also in a well paid job) kept all her income to spend on herself. He'd finally decided 'enough'.

It's something that I have observed over the years that there's no 'right time' for people to end abusive relationships, everybody has to reach the decision in their own time and it's very difficult to persuade them to act sooner whether it takes them 3 months or 30 plus years.

 

[Valentina]

I’m so sorry you ladies are going through this, that must be so difficult for you with your daughter @Valentina Theres lots of help out there though, I hope you got some good advice on helping her.

Thank you, It's really difficult and I feel anxious a lot of the time. She does confide in me which is something. I don't want to put any pressure on her as she has enough to deal with.

 

[Gossgirl12]

I can't offer any better advice than what It's me and Moth have given you. In fact I came to this thread today because my daughter is in an abusive relationship and I was looking for ways to help her. I just want to say that I am in awe of your bravery. I have seen first hand how an abusive partner robs you of your confidence and self worth. It sounds to me like your ex partner is stalking you, which is a criminal offence alongside the coercive control. You are not weak you are a survivor.

Have you looked on the Women's Aid website? I looked today and there is a chat facility, it might be helpful to have someone 'hold your hand' whilst you decide to take the next step.

Thank you so much for your comment. Being with an abuser is incredibly difficult and it clearly doesn't fully end when you leave the relationship. It must be terrifying as a parent to have a daughter in this situation, I know my parents really struggled with it and whilst they made every effort to get me to leave, I didn't leave until I was fully ready to. The only thing you can do is support her fully and let her know you're there for her when she needs it. I spoke to womens aid when I first left the relationship but unfortunately due to trauma, didn't do anything other than try to carry on with my life. I've now filled in the non molestation application which is saved but not submitted as yet. The next step will be to submit it when I'm feeling a little stronger.

 

[Gossgirl12]

This is an absolutely appalling situation. I wish I could help you find the strength to do something about it but a non-molestation order is an essential first step.A non-molestation order is a type of injunction that you can apply for through the family court. These orders are granted in order to prevent a partner, or former partner (or other “associated person”), from causing you or children harm. Harm doesn’t just mean physical harm, it can also include harassment, intimidation, psychological abuse, or even threats to inflict physical harm, as well as coercive and controlling behaviour and financial abuse.

There are lots of groups out there who will help if you ask for it: Here's a list of some organisations:

Domestic violence and abuse - getting help

Organisations which give information and advice all aspects of domestic violence and abuse, rape and sexual assault.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk

You can get free legal advice e.g. about a non-molestation order from FLOWS (Finding Legal Options for Women Survivors) which is run by the Royal Courts of Justice: https://www.rcjadvice.org.uk/family/flows-finding-legal-options-for-women-survivors/

You can read more about how NMOs work here: https://supportnav.org.uk/protection/legal-protection

To get their help with an NMO need to register for their 'Court Nav' service: https://injunction.courtnav.org.uk/register/triage

Thank you so much for your comment. Last night, after another poster sending me a link, I filled out an application for a non molestation order, I filled the whole thing out and then for some reason, when I got to the submit button i caved and didn't click it. The application is saved so right now I'm just trying to find the courage to hit the button. I always used to think I was such a strong person but this man has taken everything from me. I'm really at my wits end now.

Wow, what a lowlife. He should be sending you money for maintenance for his son. Can you contact the police and show them all the messages of harassment and abuse?

He's never paid a penny towards him unfortunately. Only for the odd birthday or Christmas present. He feels like I owe him a living. He doesnt have anyone else in his life, his family don't speak to him, he doesn't really have any friends so I take the brunt of everything sadly. I'm struggling so much at the moment though, he just doesn't give me a break. Its every day and is incredibly draining. Going to the police scares me so I'm thinking a non molestation order is going to be the next step, when I find the courage to hit the submit button on the application. Thank you for your comment.

First of all please stop putting the blame on yourself. You are a victim, you are not weak, you are being controlled. You made one big step that was leaving him, that was brave. If you’re in UK I’m sure you have grounds to get a non molestation order against him. You can apply on the gov website https://www.gov.uk/injunction-domestic-violence you could also contact womens aid for further help and advice. You’re not alone and you’re not to blame yourself x

Thank you I used your link and filled in the application. Now I'm trying to find the courage to submit it, I'm just scared at the moment.

 

[Gossgirl12]

@Gossgirl12 How are you feeling after your submission? Have you heard anything from the court? I looked back at my documentation from when I had to do one on an ex who started harassing me and it was less than 2 weeks from when I submitted till the court hearing and the document he was served was with immediate effect so the non mol was in place before the court.

Hi, I'm feeling OK thank you however I've yet to hear anything yet and he's still contacting me. So I'm hoping I'll hear something this week so we can get the ball rolling. I have major anxiety at the moment, but I know I've done the right thing. I don't think mine will take immediate effect like yours as I stated I didn't feel I was in danger.

 

[Its_Me]

I've spoken to the solicitor today and she's going to send him a warning letter that if his behaviour continues, there will be action. I believe that may help to deter him, she said I can always revisit non molestation action at a later date if the behaviour continues.

That’s good, I hope that does deter him and gives you a bit more peace of mind

 

[Gossgirl12]

Does your local court have Support Through Court? I would reach out to them, they can support you emotionally and with the application

I did it through the government website, they say that once I click submit, a legal advisor will look through my application and then contact me. I'm just scared at the moment, will it tip him over the edge etc. He's made many threats to harm himself in the past and what if I do this and he does that? Womens aid did say that it's extremely rare for someone to say they'll do that then actually go through with it though.

 

[judgejohndeed]

I did it through the government website, they say that once I click submit, a legal advisor will look through my application and then contact me. I'm just scared at the moment, will it tip him over the edge etc. He's made many threats to harm himself in the past and what if I do this and he does that? Womens aid did say that it's extremely rare for someone to say they'll do that then actually go through with it though.

You've done the right thing! Men like him are normally manipulating you when they make those kinds of threats. He is relying on you to care and to give in because you're worried he will do it. It's not your responsibility though and even if he did harm himself it wouldn't be your fault.

 

[Its_Me]

I totally understand your apprehensions and fears of making things worse. It’s scary but you really need to protect yourself and your child from this man. Maybe get in contact with victim support or womens aid on the phone they can talk through it with you and give you some guidance.