Feeling undesirable

[atomic]

Hi all

I’m posting this thread because quite honestly I don’t have anyone I feel I can talk to about this!

I’m a lesbian and I’ve been with my fiancé for about 5 years - we got engaged last year and I love her very much. But over the last six months I feel like the sexual side of our relationship has died a death and I genuinely don’t understand why. It has always been fine and more than satisfactory and there doesn’t seem to be any circumstances in that timescale that would have changed that. But my partner just feels so disconnected from me - I feel so undesireable and gross and I’ve tried to raise it but she just blames being busy, or being tired or not in the mood. She has also said that I don’t make the effort or instigate sex which is just a lie - I feel like sometimes she just doesn’t pick up on it when I do, or purposefully ignores it.

I don’t really know what to do. I genuinely love her more than anything in the world. I didn’t come out until my late twenties and the way I feel is starting to make me think like I’ve missed out on a phase of my life where I could have slept around with women and explored my sexuality a bit. That feels dangerous and I would never, ever cheat, but the thoughts are making me feel guilty.

Has anyone else felt this way and do you have any advice on how to properly approach and address this before it gets worse? Like I say, I have tried to talk but she just shuts it down.

 

[DanaScully]

Hi, fellow lesbian here!

Lesbian bed death is unfortunately a very real phenomenon in my experience.

For me it's really important to keep the home fires burning! Know each other's love languages and ensure you're performing their favourite acts regularly.

For my fiancée it's physical touch, so I ensure I regularly initiate cuddling, massages, stroking, hand holding etc, to ensure she feels loved.

Also flirting, admiring your partner out loud and ensuring you're making regular time for the two of you, whether that's a monthly date night or a night in cuddled up with a film and a bottle of wine.

Holidays or a night/weekend away can be a great way to reignite the spark, away from the stresses and rigmarole of daily life which can get in the way. It's all too easy to become room mates!

Ultimately it's about clear and honest communication and being constantly aware of fulfilling your partner's needs, and her fulfilling yours. Good luck!