Feeling smothered.

[toffeejelly]

I don't even know where to start with this but just looking for some advice.

I got into a new relationship in August, so we have been together for around 3 months. He has just come home from 9 weeks offshore. Now a bit of my background, I am a fairly independent person, I have my own place and I have a puppy. I am currently working from home, along with many others.

He got home on Sunday, his flight landed about 9.30am in the morning and I picked him up from the airport. We spent all day Sunday together, he stayed on Sunday and went home about Monday lunch time. I saw him Monday night, then he went home again about lunch time on Tuesday. Saw him Tuesday and he stayed over once again. I also saw him last night and we are due to have a date night tomorrow. So that's 5 days out of 7 which in my eyes is a LOT.

He started an argument earlier today saying that I've made him feel like crap because he thought he would be at mine 24/7 the first week home. Sorry what? I work full time from home and I have the dog etc. I want to see my family and friends too. We are level 2 in Scotland so can still meet other households outdoors etc.

Am I being out of order only wanting to see him a few days a week? It is a fairly new relationship and I enjoy my own space. I feel smothered and like I want to throw in the towel already. I keep thinking if it's like this already after 3 months, what is it going to be like later down the line? He is such an amazing person, treats me like a queen and I know he ADORES me but this is too much

 

[BettyCrocker]

I don't even know where to start with this but just looking for some advice.

I got into a new relationship in August, so we have been together for around 3 months. He has just come home from 9 weeks offshore. Now a bit of my background, I am a fairly independent person, I have my own place and I have a puppy. I am currently working from home, along with many others.

He got home on Sunday, his flight landed about 9.30am in the morning and I picked him up from the airport. We spent all day Sunday together, he stayed on Sunday and went home about Monday lunch time. I saw him Monday night, then he went home again about lunch time on Tuesday. Saw him Tuesday and he stayed over once again. I also saw him last night and we are due to have a date night tomorrow. So that's 5 days out of 7 which in my eyes is a LOT.

He started an argument earlier today saying that I've made him feel like crap because he thought he would be at mine 24/7 the first week home. Sorry what? I work full time from home and I have the dog etc. I want to see my family and friends too. We are level 2 in Scotland so can still meet other households outdoors etc.

Am I being out of order only wanting to see him a few days a week? It is a fairly new relationship and I enjoy my own space. I feel smothered and like I want to throw in the towel already. I keep thinking if it's like this already after 3 months, what is it going to be like later down the line? He is such an amazing person, treats me like a queen and I know he ADORES me but this is too much

it is too much. Way too much!!!!

he’s been away for over 2 months so in reality you’ve been seeing each other for maybe 6 weeks?

I think you need to explain to him that while you like him/are keen to see where the relationship goes etc that you need to slow it down a bit and that you don’t feel ready to essentially start living together or thereabouts when he’s on shore. Just be completely honest with him and yknow what, if he’s got an issue with that then that’s your cue to finish it!!!!

 

[Londoncailín]

Set your boundaries and stick to them. If he doesn’t respect that, then that says a lot about him. You had a job and a life before you met him. You should not have to pander to his unrealistic needs so early on in a relationship.

 

[LaurieLaurie]

I had an offshore friend that had the same view as him. He had the time so expected other to make an effort. I blocked him in the end.

Not called Andrew is he?

 

[toffeejelly]

I had an offshore friend that had the same view as him. He had the time so expected other to make an effort. I blocked him in the end.

Not called Andrew is he?

No he's not called Andrew

 

[Sweetsunrise]

Jesus that’s a lot! I don’t even see my boyfriend that often and we’ve been together 4 years.

Tell him you have other priorities and other things you need to do, you can’t always be with him. If he doesn’t listen or starts an argument he’s not worth it

Better to get out quickly than stay for the long run and get hurt

 

[Raininvain]

Just tell him its way too much and that you only want to see him 2 or 3 times per week or whatever you are comfortable with. You have only just met him your not married! If hes not happy and starts carrying on just tell him the whole things off. Cheeky sod he sounds suffocating.

 

[emmer_moans]

It’s a lot for him to expect to essentially move in with you for a week like that, especially when your home is currently your office and you need to work. Have a chat to state your boundaries, yes he may be keen to see you but 5/7 nights is a lot of social time to demand, meeting up should be mutually arranged. It’;s the lockdown after all, you shouldn’t have to commit to accepting someone moving in so soon unless it’s a decision you both make for bubbling purposes.

 

[LaurieLaurie]

I’d think once a week would be enough this early.

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

I think for me this behaviour would be a huge red flag. He’s starting arguments with you already because he doesn’t think he gets to see you enough? Please finish things with him and block him on everything, this doesn’t sound healthy. Most people right at the beginning of the relationship will tolerate a lot of things for fear of “rocking the boat”, so the fact that he has thrown a tantrum and started an argument over how much he sees you so early in is really worrying to me. What’s he going to be like further down the line? Will he get upset if you go out with friends or family?

This just sounds so off to me and the fact that you’ve said he treats you like a queen can also be a bit worrying too, most people make mistakes and aren’t very perfect in the beginning as they are getting to know the other person and are adapting, if he’s treating you so perfectly early on, then I’d also take that as a potentially worrying sign when you couple it with the argument.

I know I sound really cynical, but I’m not, I just read into this stuff a lot. Ultimately it’s up to you, but if you’re feeling like you want to end things, then do it.

 

[GiftedNotFree]

This made me feel panicked just reading it . You sound similar to me in terms of alone time / being independent. Even if I was mad about someone, I wouldn’t want to spend that much time with them. Too much - I’d feel suffocated for sure. I agree with the others; set your boundaries and don’t let him push at it. It’s your house, your rules!

 

[Mayday]

No you're definitely not being out of order. It does sound like a lot. Maybe just explain to him that you'd like a couple of evenings to yourself, and that he can use that time to catch up with friends/family or do something he wants to do? I don't think its healthy for him to expect you both to be together 24/7 - especially when you're busy working still.

 

[1001 others]

I think you need to set some clear boundaries - explain to him that you value your independence and want to take things slow. If he doesn't find that acceptable then let him go ... for the sake of your sanity and mental health, you absolutely have to put yourself first. If he does act hurt or gets angry, that's a huge red flag in my view.

Everyone is different; some people can't bear to be away from new loves for just a minute; others like to take things slowly. There has to be a compromise though.

 

[Rlaw1978]

I don’t think he is expecting a lot, in my eyes it’s perfectly normal. However what works for one person isn’t necessarily there right thing for someone else. If You feel it’s too much, then it’s too much. Sit and have a talk with him, explain how you feel and where you are coming from. If he cares for you as much as you say, yes he will be hurt- be prepared for that but he should also be understanding and try to compromise.

 

[Definitelyme]

As someone above said, that’s a massive red flag to me. Someone who expects to be the centre of your attention all the time and gets angered when they aren’t? Thats not behaviour you want to see in a relationship. I recently saw the phrase "love bombing" on here, and I wonder if there is some of that going on in that he is ott in the way he treats you?