Divorcing with children

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

Hi, I don't know how to begin. Your path forward depends entirely on "what sort of person" your current husband is.
You don't sound happy and with good reason. He doesn't seen to treat you well. Please, please address this because I assure you what you describe is not how marriage should be. It doesn't mean it's doomed, just that you should really consider the next step.

I've been married for a while, very little of it happy. Things were great (aside from the wacking great red flags I'd managed to discount whilst we were dating).

He had a period of severe mental ill health, a crisis you could call it and abused me during this time (over four years). It was bad but not "bad enough" for me, who'd been in abusive relationship before to recognise what was happening. Instead of giving me bruises he smashed cherished possessions and I hid away until the time he strangled me and I began to fight back (literally in fight or flight).

We had four young children plus my child from a previous relationship at that time. I was also severely physically unwell and he told me if I left him he would not help me with the children at all. I now recognise this could be considered coercive control.

Fast forward a few years. I'm miserable. No longer thinking about being dead on a daily basis because I was fortunate to find a very decent job which I love but I'm still desperately unhappy at home.

My husband is horribly manipulative. When things look dicey he lashes out. He twists the most innocent of things into something to make him the victim and make me look beyond awful. Since our most recent argument, I now realise it's over (threats about my job, home etc). I've watched him to do the same thing to at least two employers and two house shares in the time I've known him. I'm done.

I'm wary of saying much because he is vaguely aware of my tattle ID but the summary is, I'm out. Please, if you are unhappy and have the ability to be 'out', don't waste another five years of yours and your children's very precious lives.

*there's a huge amount of my back story that I haven't gone into in case people think I'm being over dramatic or something.

 

[iLoveNectarines]

Has anyone here made the decision to divorce your partner when you have young children? How do you find the strength to do it?

I live away from my family, my husband is by far the breadwinner as I work minimal hours so I can be there for the kids (5 and 1). We do get on most the time, have an ok sex life, etc.

But I just don't think I love him. He can often over react. (I just turned over in bed and didn't realise how close he was behind me and accidently knocked him in the face - his reaction was to call me a daft cunt because I was "flinging myself around"). He's not affectionate and I just don't think he loves me anymore either.

He is great with the kids and does loads around the house as well as working full time, but I have just had enough of these moments where he shows absolutely zero respect to me. I often say that he would never put up with his dad speaking to his mum the way he does with me sometimes, so why does he think he can say those things to me?

I know if I left him I would be on my own for a very long time. We've been together since 17 and now in our 30s. I have no self confidence at all.

I'm just not sure what I would do if I left him. I prefer where I live now to my hometown, but I'd be completely on my own with no family and minimal friends to help. If I moved to my hometown I'd only have my mums house to stay at but she lives in a tiny 2 bed house and my sister still lives there too. It would just be horrendous, but I really don't want to rent.

I would hate to disrupt the children's lives so much too and my son would obviously have to move schools which I think would be very tough on him. He often struggles with his emotions generally anyway and I think a divorce would be especially hard for him to take.

I'm just not sure what to do, but I've totally had enough

 

[Wowitsme]

Before you get a divorce it sounds like there are good aspects and some aspects that make you unhappy. Have you tried couple counselling?

 

[iLoveNectarines]

Thank you all for your input!

We sat down and talked and realised that most of our arguments and bad moods are usually to do with the kids (like we never have arguments when they're in bed on an evening, etc). We're going to support each other more when with the kids and work more together rather than it being my turn with the kids/his turn (hope this makes sense). We are all just itching to get back into the routine of school and work after Christmas.

We are also going to try and make the evening time we get more about spending it together rather than sitting on our phones. We will see what happens!

Sorry to hear your marriage hasnt been happy TwooTwoo, I'm pleased to hear that your husband is in agreement and I hope that you can divorce and remain amicable. Wishing you all the best for your new future, you've got this

 

[sunnystorm88]

I didn’t divorce my ex as we were not married but at the time we had a son who had just turned 3. I wanted to leave him for years even before I found out I was pregnant with my son. But he had a way of always making me feel like I needed him and that I would never survive on my own.
The truth was I didn’t need to rely on him. I ended up leaving because of dv. I had a mortgage to pay although I did work full time my wage wasn’t the best. You should be able to get working and child tax credits, help with nursery fees etc.
Do what makes you happy you only get one life. It may be tough and extremely daunting but in the end you need to do what’s right for you.

 

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

Hi again Ilovenectarines...
I'm aware I might be hijacking your thread again (which makes me feel really stressed because it is about you). I can only hope that my experience might help.

I've just told my husband I'd like a divorce. He seemed to agree but I know him so I'm a cat on hot pins for a while.

I've done the first hard bit. Now to await his wrath.

 

[sunnystorm88]

Hi again Ilovenectarines...
I'm aware I might be hijacking your thread again (which makes me feel really stressed because it is about you). I can only hope that my experience might help.

I've just told my husband I'd like a divorce. He seemed to agree but I know him so I'm a cat on hot pins for a while.

I've done the first hard bit. Now to await his wrath.

I hope you are okay, I saw your other post thinking about leaving. I’m glad you have found the courage to ask for a divorce. I wouldn’t say your hijacking this thread your asking for advice. Many people have unfortunately been in similar situations.
Please make sure you are safe from harm.

 

[Kim Mild]

Divorce is the end of the splitting up process.
If the feeling deep down with him is unhappiness, then perhaps you would feel happier single .

It sounds like it is something you are considering. Would universal credit be applicable if you were single? There are online calculators.

Your confidence may improve if you weren't around someone that said disrespectful things to you.

I split with my ex when our child was young because I unhappy and I knew things wouldn't improve and I've never looked back . We weren't married and our financial situation was a bit different, but I do sympathise with how you may be feeling.

 

[iLoveNectarines]

Hello, I’m in a fix. What age is it inappropriate for a male child to share a bedroom with his mum? I’m thinking of getting a loft bed for him and a curtain and I’d be underneath. I can’t afford a bigger flat til things are sorted and thanks to the family home having flammable cladding it’s going to be a couple of years.
I know it’s illegal for siblings to share after 10 but I don’t know about parents

Could it be an option to get a sofa bed in the living room for yourself maybe?

 

[laughing]

Have the pair of you sat down and had a conversation about it all? Not one in the middle of a row or argument but just a general one when emotions are not high.

 

[emphiii]

Your post resonated with me as we have children the same age, been together 14 years, also nowhere near family and since Covid/second baby our relationship has really been tested.

Personally, I found it very difficult having a second child when we had no support network (in lockdown, no family, no mum and baby groups). Without work and cut off from friends, I had no social life and even though my husband was working from home, the reality was that work seeped into everything and he was working all hours of the day rather than clocking off at 5 and helping out. It caused a lot of tension, especially when I went back to work again.

We've found it tough, but a while ago we started having long chats where we could air our grievances from the week and say what we were grateful for that the other person had done...we've sort of tailored our own therapy to suit our needs. We're trying to be more conscious of what the other person is bringing to the relationship and what they're not getting and how we can rectify that. We now also sit down on Sundays and talk through the week ahead, making sure we can help the other person get out to do exercise/meet friends etc. Are you getting any time to do things for yourself? It doesn't sound as though you are.

I have no idea if you can repair your relationship or not, but whatever decision you make you will need to start with talking it over. You may realise that your partner has been feeling the same but needs a prompt to improve things. It may be you'll want to consider moving closer to family together for on-hand babysitters and the chance to spend more quality time together (some jobs are more flexible nowadays). If not, you'll still need to talk it all through to come up with a workable solution for what to do with the children, possibly through a counsellor. Good luck either way

 

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

I hope you are okay, I saw your other post thinking about leaving. I’m glad you have found the courage to ask for a divorce. I wouldn’t say your hijacking this thread your asking for advice. Many people have unfortunately been in similar situations.
Please make sure you are safe from harm.

Thank you.

He seemed to take it well. He understood it was best for us etc. We'll see. I know how swiftly he can change.

I don't want any one to worry though, mostly it's ok here so hopefully we can move into separating in a nice way.

 

[mrbusiness]

Hello, I’m in a fix. What age is it inappropriate for a male child to share a bedroom with his mum? I’m thinking of getting a loft bed for him and a curtain and I’d be underneath. I can’t afford a bigger flat til things are sorted and thanks to the family home having flammable cladding it’s going to be a couple of years.
I know it’s illegal for siblings to share after 10 but I don’t know about parents

 

[Suzesnooze]

Hello, I’m in a fix. What age is it inappropriate for a male child to share a bedroom with his mum? I’m thinking of getting a loft bed for him and a curtain and I’d be underneath. I can’t afford a bigger flat til things are sorted and thanks to the family home having flammable cladding it’s going to be a couple of years.
I know it’s illegal for siblings to share after 10 but I don’t know about parents

I never knew it was illegal so just looked it up and it says it's not illegal, it's just recommended they have their own room after age 10. However, this isn't always possible and certainly not in my family as our house isn't massive. Two of mine used to share until one went off to Uni.

Guidance about parents sharing with a child says ' It's important you and your child both have some privacy and space for yourselves so we wouldn't recommend children sharing a room with a parent long-term'.

So obviously your situation wouldn't be long term if you're hoping to get a bigger flat, so I'm sure it will be fine in the short term.

 

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

Thank you all for your input!

We sat down and talked and realised that most of our arguments and bad moods are usually to do with the kids (like we never have arguments when they're in bed on an evening, etc). We're going to support each other more when with the kids and work more together rather than it being my turn with the kids/his turn (hope this makes sense). We are all just itching to get back into the routine of school and work after Christmas.

We are also going to try and make the evening time we get more about spending it together rather than sitting on our phones. We will see what happens!

Sorry to hear your marriage hasnt been happy TwooTwoo, I'm pleased to hear that your husband is in agreement and I hope that you can divorce and remain amicable. Wishing you all the best for your new future, you've got this

Thank you.

I'm really please to hear your news. It sounds really promising. I hope it all works out for you