Depressed partner - house buying

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Please help. Sorry this is so long. I need a bit of perspective on this that isn't from me, my mum or my best friend who are all obviously going to side with me.

So for ages all I've wanted is to own my own home. I'm very lucky that I have 2 amazing children. 1 of which is 6 months.

We do have a fair sized deposit 48k. Some of this is savings, I've recently inherited 8 thousand and the remainder is being given by partners parents and will come out of partners inheritance. We started looking oct 18. Saw a couple of houses. 1 in the area that I live in now which is in an extremely expensive part of the town i live in. So it was a 2 bed that was priced at 250000. But decided the kitchen was too small and there was issue with the garden being leasehold from the parish church. Next viewed big 3 bed in cheaper area but garden would have cost at least 10k just to get acceptable. So we didn't go for it. My partner commutes 50 mins each way by car so didn't want to add to that by going in the opp direction to other areas. Ok so I reluctantly accepted that. Then I got pregnant. In April a family member put their house up for sale and they would have sold it to us for under market value so we would have had equity from the get go. The house needed a lot of work but was liveable to do over years and has massive potential to add a double extension. But he wouldn't go for it for the sake of 10 mins on his commute. I was promised when I got pregnant that he would apply for every job going and have a new job closer to home by the time out baby was born. He applied for 1.

I accepted this to a degree as I thought he would find something eventually. My pregnancy was awful j was sick and had spd throughout. I also had diabetes and was on insulin every meal and morning and evenings so I was exhausted looking after my son and working too so at the weekend my partner would usually have out son all day on a Saturday even though I'd offer him breaks etc and tell him not to take him and I'd manage as by this time I could tell there was something not right he was just so moody all weekend huffing and puffing all the time. Fast forward to my baby coming along after a hideous pregnancy where I felt nothing for her which was a strain on my mental health I fell straight in love and couldn't love my girl more if I tried.

My partner was a bit off on his pat leave wanting to play on his pc all the time calling it his holiday which pissed me off more than words and to be honest made me dislike him. He went back to work and when he came home I would put my son to bed I'd come down he'd be on his phone and baby in her bouncer totally different than with our son. I didn't say anything though. We went on holiday with his family and whenever I came back from playing with our son or going to the loo eye he would have palmed the baby on his sister and just didn't seem interested at all. Cue a week or so later he called me at work crying he'd just had a meeting with his boss who told him his work has gone downhill. Long story short over the next week he basically had a nervous breakdown and was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. He's been off work for 4 months and has now gone back on a phased return. A lot went on in those 4 months and I was always supportive even though it's left it's Mark on us him threatening to kill himself in front of our son and stuff. My son now has early years intervention as it has impacted him and left him quite anxious and that can come out as disruptive. So I've been dealing with that as well as my partner and the loss of my grandfather who I loved dearly. Helping my mother through that as well as other family issues she's had for the past 2 years. I feel a bit wiped now.

Anyway sorry for waffling I felt like those details were important and somewhat cathartic for me. So the last piece of the puzzle is apparently buying a house is one of my partners anxiety triggers and he just doesn't seem willing to see how much buying a house means to me and the kids as I have seen a 2 bed on our road for sale that could easily be made into a 3 bed which my dad could do for us and just in our budget but I feel he wants to shut it down and was on about looking at houses in another town 20 miles away with 3 busses to our town a day I don't drive and would have no one out there I'd be up there with 2 kids and no support. I love where we live have loads of friends my son does too and is going to be going to the best schools in our town. Am I out of order for wanting this and feeling that my partner is wrong? Please help sorry this is so long. I just don't know what to do.
 
I don't think you're out of order for wanting it at all. But I think you need to assess if this is the right time to be pushing ahead with it. Is where you are manageable for another few months? Your partner is still recovering and I think pushing him into something he's telling you he doesn't want will be bad for both of you.

You definitely need to sort out where is and isn't acceptable for you to live. If his commute stops certain areas from being considered, you being totally removed from your support network should too.

I've had a relationship before with someone who suffered depression and hid it for a long time. It goes without saying the person suffering it is having the worst time, but being a partner to someone with it can be very difficult too. I found myself resenting him at times for shutting me out. I hope you can find a way of making it all work and sorry about your grandfather x
 
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Definitely not out of order for wanting to buy a house, but that will be so stressful even if the survey comes back fine and conveyancing shows nothing. Once you get a house it can be a whole new set of stresses.

Are you having issues with renting at the moment? I know so many are in a rush to buy, but most parts of the south houses aren't increasing in price anymore and the trend is downwards https://landregistry.data.gov.uk/app/ukhpi so possible they could fall again.

I broke up with a boyfriend after we got a house together that needed work and now I'd only ever buy something that needed next to nothing done. Not worth the impact on personal life and I'd rather do overtime and pay over the odds to avoid it.
 
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I would say it’s maybe not time to think about moving, it’s a stressful process and he possibly wouldn’t cope with it just yet.

My ex had depression and I know how frustrating it can be (as much as you worry and care about them). We ended up splitting up because I selfishly felt like he was dragging me down with him. It was the right decision for us but there were no children involved. Make sure you get support for yourself when you need it.

Try to see it from his side. There will always be houses for sale and maybe right now isn’t the best time.
 
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I agree that maybe now its not the right time. You could continue saving (if its doable), and at least that would give you a bigger deposit for when you are ready to buy.

I would wait until his mental health gets better. I imagine a lot of it is, with him only having just gone back to work, he doesn't want to risk taking on such a big debt incase he loses his job. (Not that I'm saying it'll happen, but if he's already anxious, that might be how he's feeling, or just that its a lot of pressure)

Could you both maybe sit down and talk about what triggered his breakdown? Is it just the pressure of buying the house, or is there other stuff he feels is contributing to his anxiety/depression as well, that could be worked on or changed - i.e job/commute etc? Could he perhaps talk to a counsellor if he's not already?
 
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Thank you everyone. I think in hindsight I should have left the issue a bit longer it's just that owning a home is all I've wanted for years apart from my kids and for all those years my partner said he wanted the same and then a few months ago to have that pulled away from me and he's basically now saying that for his mental health and so he doesn't have to do his commute he'll only buy in a different town. That's not what I want at all. It's not best for me and the kids and he isn't the same person I fell in love with. I know he's ill and I'm being selfish I just feel stressed to the max, it's flared up an existing medical condition I had brain surgery for and I'm a bit broken hearted. Sorry if that's selfish or dramatic and I don't mean any offence to anyone suffering with mental health issues

To put a bit more info he said he'll only buy closer to work after my initial post
 
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Thank you everyone. I think in hindsight I should have left the issue a bit longer it's just that owning a home is all I've wanted for years apart from my kids and for all those years my partner said he wanted the same and then a few months ago to have that pulled away from me and he's basically now saying that for his mental health and so he doesn't have to do his commute he'll only buy in a different town. That's not what I want at all. It's not best for me and the kids and he isn't the same person I fell in love with. I know he's ill and I'm being selfish I just feel stressed to the max, it's flared up an existing medical condition I had brain surgery for and I'm a bit broken hearted. Sorry if that's selfish or dramatic and I don't mean any offence to anyone suffering with mental health issues

To put a bit more info he said he'll only buy closer to work after my initial post
You don't sound selfish! Depression, in my experience, can make both people in the relationship appear selfish. The person with it because they are often lost in their own thoughts and concerns, and the partner for wanting life to keep going.

I hope your health doesn't suffer and you're getting lots of support.

If your partner is doubling down on the location which will isolate you and the kids, you need to look into other ways of discussing it. Seeing as he's feeling pressure from it between the two of you, could you go to couples counselling? Yes he needs to be looked after and make good choices for him but if you're isolated you may find yourself in his position in a few months or years. And will he always be working at this job?

I am sure there's a good compromise but given how fresh his recovery is, being gentle and neither of you putting pressure on the move seems the best way for a bit.
 
I'm going to be absolutely brutal. Yes, you are being selfish and, if you keep on pushing this and pressuring him, you will lose him - he'll either leave you or take his own life. It sounds like he's mentally checked out of the relationship right now anyway and maybe that's another reason he doesn't want to buy a house especially as it involves him putting down close to £40,000 of his inheritance.

I understand that you have a on your plate right now and I do sympathise but I get the impression you think he's been taking the piss (which is understandable given some of his behaviour) It sounds like he is doing everything he can to keep his head above water and he also has the added pressure of being (I imagine) the sole breadwinner. For Christ's sake, he's been off work for four months with a nervous breakdown, just gone back on a phased return and then you decide now is right time to start on about buying a house AGAIN. You are pushing way too hard and I'm not surprised he is finding excuses. Being a home owner is not the bee all and end all, no matter what bleeping Kirsty and Phil tell you, and, as Yel says, brings a whole host of new problems especially renovating (been there, done that and it effectively ended my previous relationship as well)

Just lay off him, hang tight and let him get well again. Then and ONLY then can you really make any decisions about your future. There will always be houses.
 
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Oh poor you - does sound a stressful time. I'm afraid I was reading your post and thought omg your partner sounds like me. Keen on big plans to start with and in theory, but as soon as reality kicks in closing right down, trying to hide and being in denial. I have no idea where this all comes from and it is utterly baffling and frustrating for partners who can see a clear and logical path. Putting myself in his shoes the thought of moving into a house that would need a lot of 'work' done would make me so anxious I would put up barrier after barrier (eg his finding new reasons to put it off - the ten minute thing, the looking in a new location entirely). He is giving himself breathing space as it all seems overwhelming.
Obviously I do not know either of you but in my and partners case the more he talked to me about plans the more I shut down and felt trapped and scared - even though deep down I knew he was right. So hard for you as you are excited about finding a lovely house and can see potential and want to share this excitement.
All I can offer advice wise is that you quietly look for houses that possibly don't require much work (or if they do don't emphasise that bit). I suspect location isn't a major barrier for him but a red herring to, as I said, keep giving himself breathing space. Sort of present it to him as a problem free fait accomplis. I know this seems a cop out and why should your partner be shielded from the hard slog of househunting and planning but it maybe isn't the moving exactly that worries him but the endless talking and planning about it.
You are both going through such a lot - bereavement, medical worries, small children, househunting. Just one of those is stressful let alone all of them. Neither of you is right/wrong - just coping in different ways. X

An afterthought - maybe ask your parents and friend not to keep talking about it too as the united front when he is panicking will not help either imo. Good luck.
 
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I'm going to be absolutely brutal. Yes, you are being selfish and, if you keep on pushing this and pressuring him, you will lose him - he'll either leave you or take his own life. It sounds like he's mentally checked out of the relationship right now anyway and maybe that's another reason he doesn't want to buy a house especially as it involves him putting down close to £40,000 of his inheritance.

I understand that you have a on your plate right now and I do sympathise but I get the impression you think he's been taking the piss (which is understandable given some of his behaviour) It sounds like he is doing everything he can to keep his head above water and he also has the added pressure of being (I imagine) the sole breadwinner. For Christ's sake, he's been off work for four months with a nervous breakdown, just gone back on a phased return and then you decide now is right time to start on about buying a house AGAIN. You are pushing way too hard and I'm not surprised he is finding excuses. Being a home owner is not the bee all and end all, no matter what bleeping Kirsty and Phil tell you, and, as Yel says, brings a whole host of new problems especially renovating (been there, done that and it effectively ended my previous relationship as well)

Just lay off him, hang tight and let him get well again. Then and ONLY then can you really make any decisions about your future. There will always be houses.
Thanks for your brutal comments some things you're spot on others you're talking tit but that's just on perhaps the information I've given. The inheritance is 15k. 2 thirds of the savings are what I saved over the years and the 8k is an inheritance from my grandfather, it was more but I booked a summer holiday hoping that it would give us something to look forward to. It hasn't but hey ho. But i do appreciate it and some things have rung true 😚

I'm going to leave it and suggest couples counselling in a few months. To be honest if I suggest anything else now it could tip him over. I'll just concentrate on my kids and attempt to support him as best I can. His family don't really want to know emotionally so he's only really got me.
Thanks everyone for your thoughtful comments and it's good to hear from others who aren't siding with me.
 
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Thanks for your brutal comments some things you're spot on others you're talking tit but that's just on perhaps the information I've given. The inheritance is 15k. 2 thirds of the savings are what I saved over the years and the 8k is an inheritance from my grandfather, it was more but I booked a summer holiday hoping that it would give us something to look forward to. It hasn't but hey ho. But i do appreciate it and some things have rung true 😚

I'm going to leave it and suggest couples counselling in a few months. To be honest if I suggest anything else now it could tip him over. I'll just concentrate on my kids and attempt to support him as best I can. His family don't really want to know emotionally so he's only really got me.
Thanks everyone for your thoughtful comments and it's good to hear from others who aren't siding with me.
Thank you for taking my comments so graciously. I understand it's heart breaking and frustrating for you but you need to try and have the patience for the long game here.

I do truly wish both yourself and your partner all the very best for the future 😊 xx
 
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Amen! I want to get this printed on a t-shirt
Yes the amount of heart ache those two have probably caused with their 'buy a house at all costs' mantra must be unbelievable. Ratcheting up tension, telling people if they don't by some manky shithole NOW their lives will be blighted forever.
 
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I have a family member who bought property with their partner of ten years, they broke up about 6 years ago, both now have new partners now, and kids with their new partners.

They’ve have to rent out their joint property because if they sell they sell at a massive loss.

they had a bad enough break up and they’re still tied to each other over this property. the last argument was over the washing machine in that rented property breaking 🤷‍♀️

just be careful when purchasing that you’re not making more problems for yourself in the long run,
Because it’s not just the pressure on him, he might have MH issues but you have your own MH to worry about as well, this last few months can’t have been easy for you either, god forbid something happened and you were left without his salary or without him if you split 🤷‍♀️
you don’t want to handcuff yourself to a financial commitment you might not want to have 12 months from now.

my opinion is make no decisions until you’re both on board fully,
bumps will happen, if someone is going to bail at the first bump you’re gonna be left directing that ship alone.
there is nothing wrong with wanting your own home and I hope you even do have property you can call your own.
but it’s not worth putting everything else at risk right now, your family and relationship should come first, and both your MH’s

I also feel your husband has a lot of making up to do to you and your kids before you want to make that big a decision with him, I wouldn’t want to tie myself to anyone before they got their tit together.
 
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I think you've made the right choice for now. I understand its frustrating, but at least then when you do buy, you'll hopefully both be on the same page.

Couples counselling sounds like it would be a good idea, although I'd also recommend he see a counsellor on his own as well if he can afford it, or is able to see one on the NHS. At least then that way it gives him a safe space to talk about things on his own as well, outside of the relationship - especially if there are other triggers.

Since you mentioned he'd only want to buy closer to work, it could be that the commute is taking its toll on him. Is there any way he could find a job closer to where you live? Or could you maybe (even if its just renting for now) move a little bit closer to his job, but still remain close enough to your area that you'd still be near family/friends, and your kids could still stay at the same schools and such? Even if it just knocks say, 15 mins off the drive or something, it might make a difference?