Dealing with a toxic parent trigger warning:suicide

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Missgobby124

My mother is extremely toxic and sometimes it’s so hard to live in the same house as her. Tonight she randomly out of nowhere threatened me and said she’d kill herself if I got pregnant by my boyfriend without being married. I understand her disapproving of it, but threatening that she’d kill herself shocked me. She’s anti-abortion too. She said she has no hope in me and honestly I feel deflated. I haven’t even done anything or even had sex with my boyfriend yet, but here she is getting involved with my decisions. She then turns it on herself and acts like I’m the one who has hurt her. She has actually slit her wrists in front of me before in response to me not doing what she wanted. Toxic toxic toxic
 
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JLXRD

I don’t have any great advice but didn’t want to read and run

What happens between you and your boyfriend is not your mothers business and she should not be making you feel guilty or making threats. How old are you? Is there any way you could move out?

Has you mother had any help after her previous self harm incident?
 
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Missgobby124

I’m 26 years old, I can’t afford to move out but even if I could my family would disown me. They only want me to move out once I’m married and with a husband. It’s horrible, I hate being in the same house as my parents. Thank you for your comment
 

BettyCrocker

this is a form of abuse, you do not have to live like this, please seek help from a woman’s refuge or similar. Seriously, this is not normal or acceptable. Who cares if they disown you? At least you would be free. What’s the alternative? To live in an abusive environment where you are treated like a child? Get out. Leave. Just get out, please.
 
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Missgobby124

I know it’s abuse because she gets into my head and makes me feel afraid to leave/escape, she’s instilled so much fear deep into me that I feel afraid to have sex and haven’t had sex in almost 4 years
 
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Curlywurly85

Your mother is a narcissist, my mother is one too so I really sympathise. She is not happy in her own life so wants to make you as unhappy as she is. For many years I thought it was me, once I knew about the narcissism it helped me to put in copying mechanisms. The book it’s not you it’s your mother by Danu Corrigan really helped me to do this. Sending love and hope because I can attest it does get easier and you will get stronger x
 
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Missgobby124

Thank you for the book recommendation I’m going to look that up, yes!! So true. I can tell she is one as she usually plays victim once I stand up to her and tends to turn it around on me and make me out to be in the wrong. It’s so tiring
 
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Curlywurly85

Missgobby124 said:
Thank you for the book recommendation I’m going to look that up, yes!! So true. I can tell she is one as she usually plays victim once I stand up to her and tends to turn it around on me and make me out to be in the wrong. It’s so tiring
Click to expand...
Classic narcissistic behaviour! It is tiring without the right coping mechanisms in place. You will need to put some in which will be harder to do when you live together. I moved out at 18 because of my mother. It was hard but also the best thing I ever did .
 
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Gemgemgemgem

Oh gosh lovely
Get out for your self. You only get one life, and it is yours to live. I know how you feel. I had to leave at 18 despite similar threats etc but i think my parents weren't as bad as yours. As soon as they knew i was definitely leaving, they knew they had to step up if they wanted me to remain in their lives. They were better when i did move out and i even had a lovely close relationship with them for a while. Devise a plan to get out if you are able to, you can't live like that.
 
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Meh

Good god that’s awful to read

I don’t have any experience to lend support from.

One thing I’ll be crystal clear on: you can never be responsible for someone’s decision to take their own life. If your mother uses this a means to control you, it’s abuse. No other word for it. If she did decide to follow through with that (sincerely hope she would not) that would never be your fault. Nothing you did do or didn’t do, nothing you should have said or shouldn’t have said etc. That decision is hers and hers alone, it’s never your fault. Please know that.

To manipulate you with the threat of her suicide is absolutely one of the lowest of the lows. Please take care

Sorry
 
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Rippedjeanmaybe

After reading your other thread too, I’m really sorry that you have to put up with all of this, I couldn’t.

my mum has never been controlling of what I do and who I see (I don’t live with her now), but then again I’m very head strong so she probably knows she couldn’t, but she does do sly tricks.

like for example, I went shopping the other day and she thought I was going to pick her up before I went, when she found out that I didn’t, she sulked and put the phone down. or sometimes she’ll send me texts in the middle night threatening to kill herself and she makes it feel like it’s my fault because she’s a bad mum...

It’s one of the reasons I moved out at 21, I honestly couldn’t put up with her any longer in the same house. Please try and seek help to get out of that toxic and abusive house.
 
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Mycuppatea

That's really not normal behaviour. I'm a very devout Catholic and my kids know it but they know that ultimately I'm their mama, have their backs and want them to make their own choices. I regularly tell them that whatever they do, they can tell me, know I'll always love them and support them. It is normal to have religious/moral/political values and hope your child shares them but not normal to use coercion and threats to enforce them, especially not to an adult. What's being said and done to you is just so wrong.

Do your parents have a minister/priest/rabbi/immam etc you could talk to? I'm thinking that if their religious leader is more balanced than them, maybe he/she could have influence and make your home life easier until you can plan your exit.
 
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Sw4

Just for context, is the whole not moving out till married thing a cultural expectation? Often in such cultures things like mental illness and self harm are also kept very hushed up. Is there any extended family you could contact for help?
 
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OutrageouslyScarlet

I honestly feel for you. My mother has threatened this many many times, made worse by the fact my father did actually take his own life.
I love my mum but she’s incredibly toxic and mostly refuses to seek help with her mental health.
She used to have a very weird view on me having sex despite always being in relationships. And made worse by this not being a cultural or religious reason. And her dating history being fairly chequered.
If you ever need to talk my inbox is open. I’ve honestly heard it all.
 
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