Dating after lockdown #20 I’m done. Too late to become a nun?

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Oh Belle! Thank you. I’m honestly ok, this is more closure than I’m normally used to or would ever expect and it’s because I have no doubt I was right to walk away the first time. I feel vindicated. And I honestly know I’ve not been the drama in this one. He’s already messaged twice as if everything is normal. I can’t block him because of work, but he is archived now and I will not be reading, although from the preview he seems to be blaming his hangover. I tried, and I was kind and I’m proud of how I’ve held myself through all of this.

Actually feel excited for what comes next. It’s such a clean line this time and the way I’m wired, once that happens I just accept the happy memories, let the other stuff go, and move on. It was the not knowing that was making me question myself.
I’m so pleased to read how positive you’re feeling! Yes, must feel like an ultimate conclusion, with nothing left unanswered. Yes the future is exciting! Closure, however it comes about, is so important to be able to move forward. I still don’t feel like I’ve got that with my ex ☹

I’m in touch with him again, after I decided I couldn’t abruptly stop talking to him permanently like that. Turned out he’d had a crap week too, which explains why, ironically, after I decided to pull back for a bit, I felt a pull back from him too. He had to endure seeing his ex, so that more than explains it. He’s told me briefly about what was going on with them and not agreeing a settlement, and I just (privately) think she’s seeking to push his buttons to get what she wants. I’m not involved, and he’s not trying to involve me, and nor am I judging either of them, except I cannot objectively think of a reason for her to drop by, other than to wind him up. At least I know this is nothing to do with me/us and everything to do with him getting through the emotions when these hurdles come up. I shall continue to give it a light touch and see if he continues to step towards me while he moves forward with the divorce. Meanwhile, I’ll see what further crappy conversations await me online! 😂
 
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I’m so pleased to read how positive you’re feeling! Yes, must feel like an ultimate conclusion, with nothing left unanswered. Yes the future is exciting! Closure, however it comes about, is so important to be able to move forward. I still don’t feel like I’ve got that with my ex ☹

I’m in touch with him again, after I decided I couldn’t abruptly stop talking to him permanently like that. Turned out he’d had a crap week too, which explains why, ironically, after I decided to pull back for a bit, I felt a pull back from him too. He had to endure seeing his ex, so that more than explains it. He’s told me briefly about what was going on with them and not agreeing a settlement, and I just (privately) think she’s seeking to push his buttons to get what she wants. I’m not involved, and he’s not trying to involve me, and nor am I judging either of them, except I cannot objectively think of a reason for her to drop by, other than to wind him up. At least I know this is nothing to do with me/us and everything to do with him getting through the emotions when these hurdles come up. I shall continue to give it a light touch and see if he continues to step towards me while he moves forward with the divorce. Meanwhile, I’ll see what further crappy conversations await me online! 😂
I just think that you give your ex way too much credit for being a nice guy going through a lot and would automatically, and naturally want to think the best of him in this separation situation when in reality he could just be selling you a sob story.

He must have many redeeming features for you to continue to be interested including emotional maturity and awareness yet this is what you told us a week ago:
“I decided to check and his dating profile is still up, he’s bloody updated it and is actively using it again.”

Why is he doing that? If he really understood after dating you - with what you had being so meaningful- that he wasn’t able to commit because he was still in love with his ex or at least not over her, or it was too messy and demanding to deal with the divorce and try and hold down a new relationship, what genuine, honest and unselfish reason would he have to be actively pursuing possible dates online?
I really respect you and your posts on here. You take the time to really consider someone’s position, I can tell you want the best for people with the advice you give which sometimes means telling people what you think is right rather than just what they want to hear. I can’t help but think if presented with your current situation your advice to someone else would be wholly different from the path you’re following.

I don’t think staying in touch with him is a good idea. I think he knows that you’re waiting in the wings despite him giving you nothing but non-committal contact on his terms, so he can talk to you, choose not to resolve anything with his ex, and pursue women on dating sites. You deserve better than this.

Likewise I think that dating other men whilst you clearly still hold a torch for him is probably not helpful. As a distraction it only works as long as the going is good. When someone fucks you off, you’re right back to pining for him and wanting to strike things up again. Sometimes a clean break is needed however much it hurts.
 
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I’m so pleased to read how positive you’re feeling! Yes, must feel like an ultimate conclusion, with nothing left unanswered. Yes the future is exciting! Closure, however it comes about, is so important to be able to move forward. I still don’t feel like I’ve got that with my ex ☹

I’m in touch with him again, after I decided I couldn’t abruptly stop talking to him permanently like that. Turned out he’d had a crap week too, which explains why, ironically, after I decided to pull back for a bit, I felt a pull back from him too. He had to endure seeing his ex, so that more than explains it. He’s told me briefly about what was going on with them and not agreeing a settlement, and I just (privately) think she’s seeking to push his buttons to get what she wants. I’m not involved, and he’s not trying to involve me, and nor am I judging either of them, except I cannot objectively think of a reason for her to drop by, other than to wind him up. At least I know this is nothing to do with me/us and everything to do with him getting through the emotions when these hurdles come up. I shall continue to give it a light touch and see if he continues to step towards me while he moves forward with the divorce. Meanwhile, I’ll see what further crappy conversations await me online! 😂
I really do feel ok, I mean you can’t fight stupid can you? And that’s how this feels, mean and stupid. So 🤷🏻‍♀️ it’s so good to know it wasn’t me.

That sounds like a good plan for you, and I think the fact he’s being open with you about what’s going on is a good sign. I can see that, we have filed though I haven’t received my papers yet. Although the ex husband has moved on with his new girlfriend, and we’ve done such an easy split with everything, he still has to try to get the last word on everything. He’s so much easier to understand though, so I can let it bounce off me when he’s doing it, but it does get to you!

but I’m glad you’re still looking at what’s out there. I’m feeling a bit jaded today, I know, but I feel like there’s no knowing til you know 😅

I’m writing a list of everything I want for me and my daughter over the next twelve months. It’s so therapeutic!
 
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I just think that you give your ex way too much credit for being a nice guy going through a lot and would automatically, and naturally want to think the best of him in this separation situation when in reality he could just be selling you a sob story.

He must have many redeeming features for you to continue to be interested including emotional maturity and awareness yet this is what you told us a week ago:
“I decided to check and his dating profile is still up, he’s bloody updated it and is actively using it again.”

Why is he doing that? If he really understood after dating you - with what you had being so meaningful- that he wasn’t able to commit because he was still in love with his ex or at least not over her, or it was too messy and demanding to deal with the divorce and try and hold down a new relationship, what genuine, honest and unselfish reason would he have to be actively pursuing possible dates online?
I really respect you and your posts on here. You take the time to really consider someone’s position, I can tell you want the best for people with the advice you give which sometimes means telling people what you think is right rather than just what they want to hear. I can’t help but think if presented with your current situation your advice to someone else would be wholly different from the path you’re following.

I don’t think staying in touch with him is a good idea. I think he knows that you’re waiting in the wings despite him giving you nothing but non-committal contact on his terms, so he can talk to you, choose not to resolve anything with his ex, and pursue women on dating sites. You deserve better than this.

Likewise I think that dating other men whilst you clearly still hold a torch for him is probably not helpful. As a distraction it only works as long as the going is good. When someone fucks you off, you’re right back to pining for him and wanting to strike things up again. Sometimes a clean break is needed however much it hurts.
@Belle123 - i can only second this (as always beautifully judged) advice.

you said a little while back that you’d noticed he was back on the apps - have you addressed this with him? @Clickbait is right that, at the moment, he knows you’re waiting in the wings, and knows that you are a good and loving person who has (frankly) already forgiven him a lot. i would also say that you’re presumably only hearing about his ex through his words, which may not be the fairest of portrayals.

you’re giving him all the control here, and you don’t deserve that, there is also no sign of the situation changing until HE decides that it does. i would honestly step away from him.
 
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