Dating after lockdown #12 It’s all got a bit dark

[PiesAndLattes]

So follow on from my date! I said that as he was shy and introverted, plus that I organised the date myself, I wasn’t going to follow up or plan anything but would be open to a second date. Well I haven’t heard from him since (apart from a message to say he had a nice night etc after the date). I’m fine with this as I really want equal effort in a relationship but overall was a lovely guy and had a lovely first date.

I also matched with the other guy I’m having a date with on Saturday on the same day as him and I saw it took 35 messages between the fire fighter and I to get to date talk and 8 between me and the other guy who is my date on Saturday. So I am optimistic about Saturday, my one criteria is I’ll go on a date if your penis isn’t mentioned in the chat and no penis talk so far! Plus we have a bit more in common and a bit closer in age. Like fire fighter doesnt like travelling and I know it’s a cliche dating app thing but I do like travelling and he’s only been out of the country twice whereas I have lived overseas plus been to almost 30 countries so I have a big passion for it. Anyway, that’s my Monday night wrap up hope everyone had lovely weekends!

 

[dancingqueen5678]

This came up on reddit and made me think of Betty!

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Mine are:

- If they don’t list their height or are under 6ft
- gym selfies or really any selfies
- girls in their photos who clearly aren’t their mum
- not filling out their profile with the basics
- any drugs, smoking weed or smoking in general
- party boy pics (lol I’m too old for that crap)
- this might be “controversial” but any job that isn’t clearly a solid, stable career (usually I look for a degree, 9-5 type. I know that’s picky and I went on a date with a fire fighter so it’s not set in stone, I just want someone with a solid career more so!).

I do this and everyone says it's fussy but to me it's not a money thing, it's a sign of independence. It shows that they can take care of themselves.
Even though I'm fully aware that anything can happen and I obvs wouldn't leave someone if they lost their job but I want a stable life after a very chaotic childhood. I don't want someone who's in and out of jobs all the time when the issue is clearly theirs and not the job itself if that makes sense. I think cause my step brother is like that. He gets jobs and then after 2 months he doesn't like something tiny about it and will quit, then will go out drinking for 4 months while he "finds" another one and everyone keeps telling him that that is a normal part of having a job. You don't love every bit of it but really it's cause none of his mates have jobs and go out drinking all the time and he wants to do that.

 

[PiesAndLattes]

I do this and everyone says it's fussy but to me it's not a money thing, it's a sign of independence. It shows that they can take care of themselves.
Even though I'm fully aware that anything can happen and I obvs wouldn't leave someone if they lost their job but I want a stable life after a very chaotic childhood. I don't want someone who's in and out of jobs all the time when the issue is clearly theirs and not the job itself if that makes sense. I think cause my step brother is like that. He gets jobs and then after 2 months he doesn't like something tiny about it and will quit, then will go out drinking for 4 months while he "finds" another one and everyone keeps telling him that that is a normal part of having a job. You don't love every bit of it but really it's cause none of his mates have jobs and go out drinking all the time and he wants to do that.

Thank you! You summed up my thoughts exactly. I am also studying and very close to graduating (albeit later in life at 29) but I understand how much independence, dedication and financial freedom getting a degree has given me and I am the first person in my family to get a degree so I kind of want to break the cycle if I have kids and set an example. All jobs have value in society, I just agree with the points you have made about stability and consistency and it’s not being financially driven at all.

 

[dancingqueen5678]

Thank you! You summed up my thoughts exactly. I am also studying and very close to graduating (albeit later in life at 29) but I understand how much independence, dedication and financial freedom getting a degree has given me and I am the first person in my family to get a degree so I kind of want to break the cycle if I have kids and set an example. All jobs have value in society, I just agree with the points you have made about stability and consistency and it’s not being financially driven at all.

Same here on the late degree (25!) and being the first in my family. I think as well, my family were poor until I was 7 then my mum got with a rich a man and in all honesty, it scared me cause when she eventually left him, we were poor again and I've always said I don't want my financial situation to ever come from a relationship. I want to be able to live comfortably (I'm not materialistic at all but like paying bills etc) without the help of someone else so I think that's why it matter to me. I want us to both live financially separate pretty much

 

[PiesAndLattes]

Same here on the late degree (25!) and being the first in my family. I think as well, my family were poor until I was 7 then my mum got with a rich a man and in all honesty, it scared me cause when she eventually left him, we were poor again and I've always said I don't want my financial situation to ever come from a relationship. I want to be able to live comfortably (I'm not materialistic at all but like paying bills etc) without the help of someone else so I think that's why it matter to me. I want us to both live financially separate pretty much

Ahhh see similar boats! My dad had a pretty good job but he was away a lot so my mum couldn’t work and she never got a job until I was about 15 and her and my dad split so she had to. She “just” works retail in a supermarket but she struggles to pay rent and live and it just breaks my heart and I never want to be in the same position as her. Funnily enough, my ex did the same job as my dad and was away a lot and I went back to uni just this year to finish my degree which in hindsight was so good as he was financially supporting me whilst I finished it and I couldn’t have done it if we weren’t together so I’m glad I went and did it as it’s all I wanted - financial freedom. I’m the same, if anything happens (like my parents) I want to have a good life still and not be scraping by etc and for us to both have careers we are passionate about.

 

[Sandor]

When using dating sites, does anyone else have a sifting criteria you use when looking at profiles other than the usual practicalities?

When looking for a guy, I always swipe left for the following reasons (which are shallow, I know ):

1/ no profile picture or hiding their face - married?
2/ topless picture - show off
3/ gym picture - show off, I prefer chocolate
4/ picture of a flash car - materialistic/show off
5/ been single less than 6 months
6/ any bragging/show of wealth
7/ celebrity
8/ men who use filtered pics
9/ they have young kids - I’m done with that

I’d be interested to know how others look through dating sites, or if there’s something that’s guaranteed to make you swipe left?

1. Blank profile
2. If they’re clearly lying about their age (I’m probably a bit strict with this one but it’s like Gary you are not 31)
3. If there’s a fish
4. If they’re doing one of this awful under the chin photos
5. If their name is one I couldn’t imagine saying out loud (even if they’re hot)
6. If they’re friends with my ex husband
7. If they run marathons (it’s not that they’re not impressive but a running obsession was that catalyst that destroyed my marriage)
8. Says they’re ENM (just not for me)
9. If they reference their children in a way that suggests they’re looking for a mug. I mean mum.
10. If they don’t look clean (which I swear is 90% of what’s available to me). Have a bloody wash!
11. If they make it too hard to figure out which one they are
12. If there’s something remotely passive aggressive or misogynistic in their profile

I’ve got more. I’m fussier than I thought

 

[boomska]

Argh!! The dude I'm going on a date with tonight has no bio, didn't list his height so found out he's only 5ft 9-ish (his words not mine, and I'm 5ft 8), doesn't drive...but he does have good chat? So I don't know whether I should go. I HATE going on dates with strangers from the internet...

edited to add on: that he doesn't have any photos of him smiling so i had to ask if he had teeth lol and my friend commented that he looks amish!

 

[square_spoon]

Argh!! The dude I'm going on a date with tonight has no bio, didn't list his height so found out he's only 5ft 9-ish (his words not mine, and I'm 5ft 8), doesn't drive...but he does have good chat? So I don't know whether I should go. I HATE going on dates with strangers from the internet...

edited to add on: that he doesn't have any photos of him smiling so i had to ask if he had teeth lol and my friend commented that he looks amish!

No bio is my trigger Can’t abide the laziness of it, and if he is a good chatter he’s probably more than capable of writing one. Make him laugh on the date lots for a good look at the pearly whites I’m always staggered there’s a whole generation of men wandering around who don’t know exactly how tall they are. Like how did all us women find out how tall we are?!

 

[dancingqueen5678]

No bio is my trigger Can’t abide the laziness of it, and if he is a good chatter he’s probably more than capable of writing one. Make him laugh on the date lots for a good look at the pearly whites I’m always staggered there’s a whole generation of men wandering around who don’t know exactly how tall they are. Like how did all us women find out how tall we are?!

they probably know, they just lie and hope that we will overlook it like we overlook every other thing cause society tells to. Cause we're shallow if we care about someone's height even though men can have a list as long as Schindlers and that is absolutely fine

Sorry that got all serious then

 

[Clementine]

Argh!! The dude I'm going on a date with tonight has no bio, didn't list his height so found out he's only 5ft 9-ish (his words not mine, and I'm 5ft 8), doesn't drive...but he does have good chat? So I don't know whether I should go. I HATE going on dates with strangers from the internet...

edited to add on: that he doesn't have any photos of him smiling so i had to ask if he had teeth lol and my friend commented that he looks amish!

What attracted you? He must have something going for him

I’ll swipe left if a guy mentions “baggage”, which usually just means a life.

 

[boomska]

What attracted you? He must have something going for him

he has a beard, and has good chat. That is it but he's not drop-dead gorgeous. The thing is we're still messaging on tinder like he hasn't asked for my number?

 

[NoseyNiamh]

he has a beard, and has good chat. That is it but he's not drop-dead gorgeous. The thing is we're still messaging on tinder like he hasn't asked for my number?

No number but you two have arranged a date?
I'm not too sure about this.
Are you daring to meet someone longterm or are you dating for fun?

 

[Clementine]

he has a beard, and has good chat. That is it but he's not drop-dead gorgeous. The thing is we're still messaging on tinder like he hasn't asked for my number?

I mean, it’s down to you but I wouldn’t be bothering tbh. You don’t sound eager. I mean, I could grow a beard if I really wanted (probably). Don’t be setting your bar so low! x

 

[boomska]

No number but you two have arranged a date?
I'm not too sure about this.
Are you daring to meet someone longterm or are you dating for fun?

Yeah, that's what I mean so I could just delete my profile and he has no way to contact me. To be honest, I don't know really know anymore. I wanted long term and wanted long term with my ex But I feel so rejected and hurt from and by him, that I don't know what I want anymore and I'm kind of enjoying the peace and quiet of not dating but then can still hear the biological clock ticking...but then I'm trying to use law of attraction to get my ex to message (don't laugh lol) sooo who the duck knows.

I mean, it’s down to you but I wouldn’t be bothering tbh. You don’t sound eager. I mean, I could grow a beard if I really wanted (probably). Don’t be setting your bar so low! x

hahaha this made me laugh!! You're right, I still don't know much about myself or what i want from a partner anymore! xx

 

[dancingqueen5678]

Yeah, that's what I mean so I could just delete my profile and he has no way to contact me. To be honest, I don't know really know anymore. I wanted long term and wanted long term with my ex But I feel so rejected and hurt from and by him, that I don't know what I want anymore and I'm kind of enjoying the peace and quiet of not dating but then can still hear the biological clock ticking...but then I'm trying to use law of attraction to get my ex to message (don't laugh lol) sooo who the duck knows.


hahaha this made me laugh!! You're right, I still don't know much about myself or what i want from a partner anymore! xx

I don't want to sound cliche but sometimes things do come when you're not looking. Maybe it is time to delete the apps and focus on your life a bit and just see what happens?

 

[boomska]

I don't want to sound cliche but sometimes things do come when you're not looking. Maybe it is time to delete the apps and focus on your life a bit and just see what happens?

It's not cliche at all. I only rejoined them a week ago because...I guess I wanted to feel like I was doing something towards my dating life, but i feel like I've got other things i want to focus on first i.e. self-esteem or my fashion sense, I don't like half the clothes i wear and feel frumpy in them or im rpeating teh same clothes.

All i know was that i was more excited about giving a blowjob to a friend last week than this date lol

 

[Clementine]

duck Jeremiah off and go give your mate a bj.

 

[boomska]

duck Jeremiah off and go give your mate a bj.

hahaha unfortunately he's left town now and gone back to London where he currently lives

 

[dancingqueen5678]

It's not cliche at all. I only rejoined them a week ago because...I guess I wanted to feel like I was doing something towards my dating life, but i feel like I've got other things i want to focus on first i.e. self-esteem or my fashion sense, I don't like half the clothes i wear and feel frumpy in them or im rpeating teh same clothes.

All i know was that i was more excited about giving a blowjob to a friend last week than this date lol

Then focus on those things and forget the dating. I would say as well, focus on a new hobby maybe? I would say give yourself some challenges as well. I love to push myself so this might be weird for people but I will be like "ok starting tomorrow no fizzy drinks for 21 days" and just see how I go. I think it's good to see that you can achieve things you set your mind to. I did it with social media about a year ago and I never re-downloaded it cause I enjoyed that 3 weeks so much. Gives you something to focus on. It could be anything, waking up early, going for a daily walk, no sugar, no phone, reading before bed, knitting, dancing. Literally can be anything you fancy doing.

Also this is cringe but I always live by "having a full enough life that when people leave they don't take away from it" so I focus 100% on myself and anyone that comes in and out of my life gets checked at the door. Are you adding to my life positively? yes. That's great but my life is still so full that even if you leave it, I'll be fine.

 

[lurkingaround123]

they probably know, they just lie and hope that we will overlook it like we overlook every other thing cause society tells to. Cause we're shallow if we care about someone's height even though men can have a list as long as Schindlers and that is absolutely fine

I hateeeee this! I am 5'7 and I am undeniably not attracted to men who are the same height or shorter than me, I feel like a cow for asking when they don't say but I've been on a couple of first dates with tiny men and felt awful trying to leave early and fizzling it out without explaining why