Cutting Family Out

[HankMcPrank]

Now, I know this is a touchy subject. But, I genuinely need advice.

I don’t have much family (mum, Nan and grandad) that is it. However it isn’t the most conventional family, there has been family fall-outs with sisters & brothers which has caused a rift. However I feel my little family and I struggling.

whether it is just me jumping to conclusions, but I don’t know who to talk to or ask. I haven’t seen my Nan and grandad this year, I’m the one to make contact. If I don’t text or call my Nan, quite simply I don’t hear from her. My grandad is really poorly and don’t speak to him; he doesn’t have energy for a Phone call after his stroke. All he does is eat, watch tv, sleep.

my mum has been going out with someone for over 7 years but over the months, I’ve noticed a change. Whenever she is with him, and this has been since the start of 2020 she won’t contact me first and if I call when she puts up she whispers “huh not her again.” Maybe I’m reading into this wrong. But I feel I’m the one constantly trying and I’m slowly giving up.

this will be the first year ever I won’t see her over Christmas; her choice.

I home school my children and she’s constantly telling me to send them to school. Which I get but they had a terrible time at school which is the whole reason of deregistering them in the first place! No groups are on in tier 3, so I cannot speak to other parents. My next door neighbours are lovely and I see them often.

Has anyone else been in this position? I feel I’m giving everything and I know that if I don’t call or text to see how everyone is, I wouldn’t get the same in return. I’m a single mummy, I get lonely.... maybe I’m trying to get some comfort or conversation for my own sanity.. I don’t know.

but please, somebody help me?

 

[SassyShetland]

Firstly sending you a huge mug of tea or glass of something stronger!

I’ve felt the same previously towards friends and family and honestly it grinds you down. Until one day I realised I was completely in control of that situation. With family it’s hard because there is the societal expectation of family. But when it all comes down to it it’s you you answer to and it’s your life. Something switched in me one day, and I decided to focus on me and being the best version of me. Do what makes you happy, whether that’s kicking ass at home schooling to show your mum how valid your choice was or knitting. It doesn’t matter. I think what it came down to was at the time I was lonely, and I was relying on those around for my happiness. It only resulted in me seeing an imbalance in effort and upsetting me further. My advice, if that’s what you’re after, rely on yourself for your happiness. You’ll then find you want to ring your nan or your mum and it won’t feel like an effort on your part.

Sorry this turned into way more of a novel than I expected and I’m in no way qualified to offer advice but I’ve felt what you’re feeling in some way x

 

[Platypusfattypus]

I've cut out family. Too long a story and too boring but essentially I just stopped messaging. It's been a few years now and I've not regretted my decision.

 

[HankMcPrank]

Thank you both; I’m glad I’m not the only one! X

 

[Rlaw1978]

I’ve cut out close family as well, some I havnt spoken to going on 20 years. I felt terriBly guilty doing it at the time but had to for my own piece of mind. The stress was overwhelming and having a negative affect on my mental health and life. Once I’d made the decision I felt like I could finally breath. It made me realise the way some people behave isn’t right and you don’t have to take it just because your blood relations. Some times you have to do what’s best for you x.

 

[Nebbymoo]

The word family is just that a word. It doesnt mean anything. Actions and the way someone treats you is what shows you someone cares. My family consists of the people who live in my home and my mother. The husband speaks to his mum but the rest of us dont. If people cause you problems and hurt you then they arnt worth holding onto. Love isnt supposed to hurt regardless of who it's from. If people dont bring you positivity then dont feel bad about getting rid in my opinion.

 

[Drea1984]

I don’t see my father. I’m happier without him in my life.

 

[Motherpuffin]

I really empathise with you, it’s a really tough decision to make, my example of something similar is having good and close friends drift away and not bother making contact unless I instigate it. I decided not to contact them this year until they bothered and I haven’t seen them for 12 months I’d say life is too short to chase people who don’t prioritise you. Spend time with people who make you feel really valued.

 

[Raininvain]

I think you need to speak to your Mum and ask her why she is saying not her again when you call etc?. This really is pretty bad and I'd personally want her to know what an utterly horrible thing it was to say really. I'd probably then let her come to you if she wants to. With anyone you cant flog a dead horse really.
Your Nan may be totally overwhelmed with your Grandad, its not easy caring for someone with a stroke and she may have so many things going through her brain that she just forgets. Could you talk to her as well? She could have depression or anything .I'd talk to them both and then take it from there really. X.
What about when this lockdown is over joining some home school groups or other groups where you live. It doesnt have to be anything amazing just something to get you meeting some more people.X

 

[Blonde123]

I cut my brother out two years ago after years of constantly trying to have a relationship with him. The final straw was him not coming to meet his new nephew or contacting me to acknowledge/congratulate me during the pregnancy or when baby arrived. It’s sad but I haven’t particularly noticed a difference as he didn’t make an effort to see me and my family. Sometimes sharing DNA is just that, there isn’t anything else. I didn’t want inconsistency in my children’s lives. My children have a fabulous “auntie and cousin” in their lives in the shape of my best friend. Sometimes you have to just accept people aren’t how you’d like them to be.

 

[ChloChlo]

I relate. All of my immediate family are aloof. My dads family were never much of a close family. All of my mums side of the family are fragmented and have been at eachothers throats since my mother died over a decade ago. They are extremely toxic people, however most will happily leave well alone if its established you won't perform in their circus. So I have nothing much to do with them. Bar one very over bearing auntie who is seen as the family pest. She has been the family bully since my mother died, disguised as throning herself as this newfound martyr head of the "family". She is a spiteful cow and very aggressive in nature. I never learn as I constantly allow this woman back into my life, usually after a sob story, for her to once again abuse and belittle me. I'm glad I did let her back in though, as she is and always has been quite homophobic. She had a son late in life, my young adult cousin who I've been able to reconnect with who recently admitted to me he is gay, but absolutely beside himself how not to upset his mother he, like all her adult children seem unhealthily trauma bonded to her and whilst she has always treated them all so unfairly, they are all fiercely loyal to her and would rather severely compromise themselves as grown adults rather than upset her in the slightest. My grandparents on this side (my dads parents are both passed on) will always side with this woman no matter what and take the bizarre view that she is their daughter where as we are just grandchildren, so share less DNA with them as we are half our fathers, which they are pretty vocal about! They also will not contact me, unless I do them, which rings true for everyone in the family. They will moan about people not bothering to make effort with them, when they don't recouperaite any of those efforts. Often going as far (pre covid) to make excuse after excuse not to answer their phones/doors for months gone then moan no one gets in touch. It's like fighting a losing battle.

My brother is in his mid thirties and despite living with my dad still. He is so emotionally cold, very work focused with little time for family as a whole and goes as far as not even acknowledging my children and squirrelling off to his room whenever I visit. However he is without doubt Aspergers.

I find my dad difficult to talk to, he is quite old fashioned and he quite often assumes the answer to any problem is money and won't entertain it being a problem otherwise. This makes him appear so emotionally cold. He is also quite chauvinistic and in his view women pluck problems from thin air and amplify them. It is extremely difficult to maintain a conversation with someone who isn't shy about expressing the above views. My dad also soley raised us when my parents broke us and although I am extremely grateful for his sacrifices, it did make for a traumatic time being solely parented by when I was a teenage girl in particular with someone that held these views. It had somewhat made our relationship estranged over the years only managing to reconnect as he grew softer in old age.

I have a sister I am really close with. But other than that, blood out of a stone.

 

[AllSeeingEye123]

Do what makes you happy. You can pick your friends but not your family, but just because you're related by blood doesn't mean you should put up with them if they bring down your mood.

 

[HumphreyB]

I think its worth having a conversation with your mum or family members you would like to have a better relationship with. If nothing but for your own peace of mind.
I dont speak or see my own family. I guess years of saying nothing to situations where I was undermined and disrespected. We all have a line and they crossed it. Tbh I dont give it a second thought anymore. I would rather have no relationship than a fake one.

 

[HankMcPrank]

Bumpety-bump to the thread.
So I still haven’t found the courage. I need someone stern to just tell me to do it! Three days my mum has only bothered to talk if I’ve messaged her first etc. Last night out of the blue she messaged me if I could order something from argos for her, I have had to bend the truth & tell her I couldn’t as the billing address is different to the delivery.

But I’m sick of it and worried for my children as they will literally have no grandparents. But then is it best to not have any then some that you have to push for communication?

think I’ve answered my own question.

When her partner is at home, it all changes. She doesn’t bother, I don’t know whether that’s her choice or by his controlling.

ah, I give up

 

[Blonde123]

Bumpety-bump to the thread.
So I still haven’t found the courage. I need someone stern to just tell me to do it! Three days my mum has only bothered to talk if I’ve messaged her first etc. Last night out of the blue she messaged me if I could order something from argos for her, I have had to bend the truth & tell her I couldn’t as the billing address is different to the delivery.

But I’m sick of it and worried for my children as they will literally have no grandparents. But then is it best to not have any then some that you have to push for communication?

think I’ve answered my own question.

When her partner is at home, it all changes. She doesn’t bother, I don’t know whether that’s her choice or by his controlling.

ah, I give up

It is almost 2months on from your original post and she is still draining you. I really think you need to pull back and put those boundaries in place. Don’t feel like you should reach out, leave it until she does. She may not like you home schooling your children or agree with all aspects of your life, but she needs to respect the decisions you make as a grown adult and mother. Your purpose isn’t to service your mothers needs and buy her things from Argos. I wouldn’t cut her off completely, I’d just keep my distance and if she gets in contact and wants to meet or see the kids then if it works for you, meet her. Don’t worry about your children not having a grandparents, that is out of your control, just remember they have a fab mum.

 

[HankMcPrank]

It is almost 2months on from your original post and she is still draining you. I really think you need to pull back and put those boundaries in place. Don’t feel like you should reach out, leave it until she does. She may not like you home schooling your children or agree with all aspects of your life, but she needs to respect the decisions you make as a grown adult and mother. Your purpose isn’t to service your mothers needs and buy her things from Argos. I wouldn’t cut her off completely, I’d just keep my distance and if she gets in contact and wants to meet or see the kids then if it works for you, meet her. Don’t worry about your children not having a grandparents, that is out of your control, just remember they have a fab mum.

Thank you I really appreciate that x

 

[SoulDestroyer]

My mum was in your position when she was mid-30s, I was about 9 then. She endured psychological abuse when she was at home and then also when she moved out when she married my dad. Things were brought to a head with an act of physical violence against her and then she cut both parents off entirely. Never heard from them again, but they would send me cards for birthday/Xmas but then they cut me off when I was an adult and moved around the country. I didn't know where they were and they didn't ever get back in touch.

They have since passed away. While there is some regret at what might have been (because everyone wants parents/family that love and care for them), it was better in the long run as my mum couldn't cope with the mental strain and I dread to think what it would have been like had she carried on seeing them.

I think you should drop contact. It's easily done. One month rolls into the next very quickly when you're just living your own life and not worrying about what other people think. See if they make the effort, and if they don't then so be it. Be strong. You can do things alone. You don't need the mental stress. Surround yourself with people who you choose, not those who share the same blood. Join a local group - even online is better than nothing. Does your town have a Facebook group? There are probably people in the same situation as you - single parents who are feeling the strain, especially now in lockdown. My local town has a Facebook natter group for people who just want to vent/ask advice/pass the time of day with someone. Then when all this is over they're going to make it a face-to-face thing.

My only negative feeling is that your children might feel the way I did - that my grandparents didn't care about me at all, certainly less so than my cousins who they saw all the time. It probably didn't help that my paternal grandparents, while I saw them, they made it clear that I wasn't as close to them as my other cousins. Anyway, I would try and have your children keep in touch, even if it's only birthday and Christmas cards, because it is MUCH better than nothing.

 

[judgejohndeed]

Because you’ve said you’re not sure if her partner is controlling or not, for this reason alone I wouldn’t cut her off personally (and I have cut family off so I’m not against it as a concept). You say she behaves differently when he is there which seems like he is influencing her behaviour. If he becomes more abusive and she needs somewhere to turn, you will wish you hadn’t cut her off and that she could reach out to you. Limit your contact by all means, don’t message her first or go out of your way etc...but I would just keep the communication line open, just in case

 

[Blonde123]

Thank you I really appreciate that x

Don’t put pressure on yourself, especially when it concerns others behaviour that you can’t control. Xx

 

[HankMcPrank]

Because you’ve said you’re not sure if her partner is controlling or not, for this reason alone I wouldn’t cut her off personally (and I have cut family off so I’m not against it as a concept). You say she behaves differently when he is there which seems like he is influencing her behaviour. If he becomes more abusive and she needs somewhere to turn, you will wish you hadn’t cut her off and that she could reach out to you. Limit your contact by all means, don’t message her first or go out of your way etc...but I would just keep the communication line open, just in case

Thank you xx