So this one is a curious and controversial one for me....I should start by saying I don’t have any children so I’m going off by what I have witnessed from others. My best friend had two children with her ex. They had an on-off relationship because he has a history of violence and drug use and even stole from her and her children. When she left him, he then took her to court over access because he wanted more access and the court settled in his favour! To this day, I still don’t see how a court can grant extra access to someone like that. On the flip side, I know someone who was together with their ex for 15 years and married for 10 years with a small child. The ex left him and in the divorce, the ex got the house, primary custody of their child, the car, part of his income and was making him pay large sums till the CSA stepped in. The ex still has made it difficult for him to have access at times and has at times, pursued him for money even though he pays every time through the CSA. My debate here is why do these situations appear to be resolved unfairly sometimes? I’m aware that some people abandon their child and don’t pay and that’s plainly wrong however equally, these people also seem to get away with it. Please discuss!
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The courts try and do what's best for the child/children involved.
Usually they get other agencies involved for example Cafcas. They will write a report based on evidence they have. This will then be put before the court.
Child access cases are very often long process and cost a lot of money.
The courts see it as fathers have rights to see there child.
I have unfortunately been there as my ex is an abuser. My young son witnessed alot of the abuse.
He didn't see my son for over a year. He was charged with ABH.
He quickly moved on with his life and then decided he wanted my son 50/50.
Thankfully the courts ruled he only sees him once a fortnight and it has gradually gone to one over night.
I have nothing to do with my ex. But still worry about my son in his care as he doesnt give him set meal times or put him to bed at an appropriate time for his age and even shared a bed with him.
He also doesnt pay the CSA and has told them he has shared care when he doesnt.
It's a very difficult situation as the courts are not in the situation but often make the decision based on guidelines and rules.
That sounds like a horrific situation. Surely it shows the guidelines and rules that they base these decisions on are out of touch because they’re allowing people to have children in their care that they are not properly caring/ providing for. I just feel that the “good parent” such as yourself and my friend, are almost penalised for being so when the “bad parent” gets away with not paying and/ not probably caring for the child when they have them which is wrong.
I feel courts look at everything black and white so to speak. There was a lot that the courts ignored and didn't consider.
The Cafcas officer also changed her report which is completely wrong to. I have no respect for cafcas.
I don't think victims of abuse should have to go through child court arrangements. I have had years of counselling to deal with how I was treated. My son had to have play therapy and I still see the impact on him.
That’s terrible. I’m so sorry you and your son had to go through that. You’re spot on though I also feel the courts ignore/fail to consider all the elements. My friend who went through the divorce went to mediation first with his ex. The mediator continuously sided with his ex and pushed him to surrender the house but still pay for it and then pay his ex a significant part of his own income. If the mediator had their way, my friend would have walked away with nothing including the shirt off his back! The court would rather listen to them because they think they’re unbias but clearly they don’t have the interests of all which is wrong.
Thank you but I see myself as one of the lucky ones who got out of it with my life.
Mediation only works in certain circumstances. I'm lucky and wasnt married to my ex and he had no tie to my house.
It took me approx 3 years to get his car removed from my driveway though!!
I do feel sorry for people who are held responsible for paying for a house they dont live in.
Unfortunately nothing is ever going to be nice in court.
3 years?
he sounds like a piece of work! I’m amazed that more isn’t done in this area to protect parents who pay and correctly care for their children. Like the criminal justice system, this seems to work in favour of the other party!
I was furious to see CSA are not currently contacting “Paying” parents who aren’t paying. I wrote to my MP I was so annoyed.
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My ex is being a right pillock with maintenance because of this
You’re joking! Surely the point of the CSA is to make parents pay!
It honestly boils my blood. Children still need to be fed, clothed, kept warm. What about situations where it’s not safe for the receiving parent to reach out to the paying parent? They simply have to go without.
It just astonished me that the parents who want to care and provide for their children seem to get the raw deal far too often. Why is the system swinging in favour of these “bad” parents?
I’ve received this after writing to my MP. People should pay for their children... such a shame they don’t.
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So basically the letter says the paying parent can essentially get away with not paying because of corona. Oh, but they will count it as a missed payment and some vague sentence about collecting the money some other time. Seriously they don’t take the issue seriously at all! There are many single parents out there struggling right now. If their ex can afford to give anything or their full payment then they should be. It’s not good enough to just allow them to not pay and collect the money later because that probably won’t even happen.
Mumsnet would hate me but my experiences with mil's and exes mum's are the mums genuinely don't know when to cut the apron strings with their son and I can understand why so many people appear to have issues with the mil's as they usually seem to be the more controlling clingy obsessive types than the fil's in my experience. I never say anything like this to people as if you do you're seen as the problem or jealous of your oh's relationship with their mother. I've no issue with my other half having a relationship with their family let alone mother but I do think many mum's need to let their adult sons "go" a little and understand they have a life with their partner. It is really unattractive and a relationship killer when you're basically having a three way.
One of my exes mums was so possessive and it genuinely made me feel so suffocated. She'd contact my ex without fail every day multiple times and if he saw his screen and rolled his eyes saying he didn't want to talk to her she then would come to me asking why she messaged as early as half an hour before and he hasn't replied, she was really bossy and the type that if we tried telling her in polite ways to back off would block us, have a tantrum, threaten us that she wouldn't do this and that for us and then get my exes dad on her side and to moan at him. She also would message him and when he decided to reply or I replied hrs later she would be sat on our chat on WhatsApp as it would say online and the read recipient, so generally would be sat there all day watching and waiting on social media which is odd in my view. She would come over and stay as she lived further away once a month exactly which is perfectly okay but when staying with us would burst into our bedrooms first thing in the morning when we were still in bed and would look for things going in to our drawers etc. She helped us out a lot which then made me feel awful but the overbearing side of her was really suffocating as I grew up with parents who let me get on with it so wasn't used to how she was and my ex got fed up with how his mum went about things but as usual in these cases defend her if I mentioned anything. It caused a lot of arguments and me being accused of being jealous of her and my exes relationship which isn't the case at all.
One of my exes mums was so possessive and it genuinely made me feel so suffocated. She'd contact my ex without fail every day multiple times and if he saw his screen and rolled his eyes saying he didn't want to talk to her she then would come to me asking why she messaged as early as half an hour before and he hasn't replied, she was really bossy and the type that if we tried telling her in polite ways to back off would block us, have a tantrum, threaten us that she wouldn't do this and that for us and then get my exes dad on her side and to moan at him. She also would message him and when he decided to reply or I replied hrs later she would be sat on our chat on WhatsApp as it would say online and the read recipient, so generally would be sat there all day watching and waiting on social media which is odd in my view. She would come over and stay as she lived further away once a month exactly which is perfectly okay but when staying with us would burst into our bedrooms first thing in the morning when we were still in bed and would look for things going in to our drawers etc. She helped us out a lot which then made me feel awful but the overbearing side of her was really suffocating as I grew up with parents who let me get on with it so wasn't used to how she was and my ex got fed up with how his mum went about things but as usual in these cases defend her if I mentioned anything. It caused a lot of arguments and me being accused of being jealous of her and my exes relationship which isn't the case at all.