Confused.

[toffeejelly]

Don't even know where to begin with this but just need to get it all off my chest.

So to cut a long story short, I got dumped at the beginning of lockdown back in March by my ex who I was with for a year, and whom I had moved in with in January. It came completely out of the blue by text, and with reasons such as we aren't compatible and we want different things etc. I couldn't bare to move back to my flat and be on my own, so I moved back in with my mum for around 9 weeks whilst lockdown was super strict.

In May, I started chatting to a guy who I used to work with 7 years ago. We have always found each other attractive and there's always been chemistry there from the minute we met, but we've always been in other relationships etc. so it's never developed into a date or anything. Anyway, we were chatting for weeks when he was offshore for a 7 week trip then we met up when he was home. Since then, we have been spending a lot of time together and a couple of weeks ago he asked me to be my girlfriend.

Since he has asked me to be his girlfriend, I am finding that I have been overthinking everything. Simple things like replying to a text feels like an effort, and I'm always finding reasons not to see him. Yet when I am with him, it feels like the most natural thing in the world and I think to myself, why on earth was I overthinking.

I just feel so confused.

I know he worships the ground I walk on, and that most people would kill for a relationship like this, but I feel like I am just putting so much pressure on myself, possibly because he was single for 4 years before we got together, and I just came out of a relationship at the start of lockdown.

I really don't want to make any rash decisions and potentially regret walking away further down the line. I just don't know what to do. I have spoken to him about how I'm feeling and that I'm feeling very overwhelmed. He offered to give me some time to myself, and that I can dictate when we see each other, which is great that he is so understanding, but I also don't want to be unfair towards him. The other part of me also thinks if I was 100% into it then I wouldn't have any doubts?

Has anyone had a similar experience? Any help or advice is greatly appreciated

 

[Suzesnooze]

I remember your post about your ex. I would say you’re rightly a bit wary of getting hurt again and maybe the new guy seems a bit too good to be true but that doesn’t mean he isn’t? He sounds great and understanding.

I think the reason you’re overthinking is due to how your ex treated you. He basically blindsided you

Why not just suggest you slow things down with the new guy then see how you feel if you’re not seeing him as much or suggest you feel it’s too soon to be his girlfriend and can’t you just be friends with benefits for a while?

 

[kadykal95]

I'd say your over thinking things. but maybe you do need time to process what happened with your ex since it only happened a short while ago.

You don't have to jump into a serious relationship straight away, why can you just date casually and see what happens in a few months?

 

[RedMagnolia]

Is it because he's too nice?
Could it be anything to do with the fact your ex treated you badly, so you are wary of anyone treating you well?
Or are you subconsciously hoping you and your ex will reconcile and this new boyfriend will get in the way of that?

 

[toffeejelly]

Thanks for the replies.

It has absolutely nothing to do with wanting to reconcile with my ex, I could never go back there after the way he ended things with me. I deserve so much more than that.

It probably is the fact I am wary about anyone treating me nice as I'm not used to it.

 

[Suzesnooze]

Yes that will be why. I hope things work out for you and the new guy.

 

[Hazel1593]

Try not to overthink it. When I met my fiancée, I too worried I wasn’t that into him, that he was too nice, and I had lots of doubts. He was eager to rush into things but my previous relationship was abusive so I wanted to take things slow. Even when he asked me to be his girlfriend, I didn’t know if things felt right. I gave the relationship time and gradually let my walls down and now I feel so in love with him and couldn’t imagine life without him. Give it time, take things slow, and you will eventually realise if it’s right for you.

 

[Peakyblinders]

Do you feel like it is a bit of a rebound relationship/a bit too soon and you havent had much time to yourself and to be single?

 

[tskiry56]

Don't even know where to begin with this but just need to get it all off my chest.

So to cut a long story short, I got dumped at the beginning of lockdown back in March by my ex who I was with for a year, and whom I had moved in with in January. It came completely out of the blue by text, and with reasons such as we aren't compatible and we want different things etc. I couldn't bare to move back to my flat and be on my own, so I moved back in with my mum for around 9 weeks whilst lockdown was super strict.

In May, I started chatting to a guy who I used to work with 7 years ago. We have always found each other attractive and there's always been chemistry there from the minute we met, but we've always been in other relationships etc. so it's never developed into a date or anything. Anyway, we were chatting for weeks when he was offshore for a 7 week trip then we met up when he was home. Since then, we have been spending a lot of time together and a couple of weeks ago he asked me to be my girlfriend.

Since he has asked me to be his girlfriend, I am finding that I have been overthinking everything. Simple things like replying to a text feels like an effort, and I'm always finding reasons not to see him. Yet when I am with him, it feels like the most natural thing in the world and I think to myself, why on earth was I overthinking.

I just feel so confused.

I know he worships the ground I walk on, and that most people would kill for a relationship like this, but I feel like I am just putting so much pressure on myself, possibly because he was single for 4 years before we got together, and I just came out of a relationship at the start of lockdown.

I really don't want to make any rash decisions and potentially regret walking away further down the line. I just don't know what to do. I have spoken to him about how I'm feeling and that I'm feeling very overwhelmed. He offered to give me some time to myself, and that I can dictate when we see each other, which is great that he is so understanding, but I also don't want to be unfair towards him. The other part of me also thinks if I was 100% into it then I wouldn't have any doubts?

Has anyone had a similar experience? Any help or advice is greatly appreciated

I always tried to second guess my boyfriend when he would do something nice even little things and part of that was down to my own insecurities.
I think it partly comes from being treated so badly before that I never expected to be treated normally and thoughtfully.
The best thing you can do is tell him how you feel.

 

[Likkleone]

Thanks for the replies.

It has absolutely nothing to do with wanting to reconcile with my ex, I could never go back there after the way he ended things with me. I deserve so much more than that.

It probably is the fact I am wary about anyone treating me nice as I'm not used to it.

I think you’re right, when you’ve been treated badly and accepted that as the norm, you do become wary of anything different to that. But the first step to changing that is acknowledging it. Many people don’t and they end up self sabotaging relationship after relationship when the root cause is not healing from a past experience.

This is really about you rebuilding your confidence again but navigating that while in a relationship can be tricky. I think you need to have an open conversation with your new man. He needs to understand that sometimes you might be a bit off because you’re overwhelmed and not because you’re not interested.

By the sounds of things, I think he will he supportive and understanding. You waited many years to find each other again, so what’s the rush into something serious? Enjoy each other’s time and work on yourself first and foremost.

It can be scary to love again when you’ve been hurt, but you do deserve to love and be loved in it’s true form.