Child behaviour advice

[veryfondoftea]

Hi

I am really hoping for some advice or even to know that others have gone through this. My 8 year old daughter has started getting really funny about looking in the mirror and about the feel of her clothes. Nearly every day she is having a meltdown about something not looking right or feeling too baggy or tight or ‘not right’. It’s just come out of nowhere a few months ago and really intensified the last few weeks. I try to deal with it with patience but once we get to the point where we are late for school or work, I end up shouting which obviously doesn’t help. I’m just wondering is this behaviour a sign for concern or normal for her age and just a phase? I’m really at a loss with it all.

 

[WilmaHun]

I don't have kids myself, but my little cousin went through something very similar when she was about 11. The way her Mum dealt with it was to take her shopping and let her pick a few of her own things, so she has a sense of identity. Appreciate with covid at the moment that's not possible but could you do a little online shop with her? Doesn't have to be anything expensive, plenty of Supermarkets do quite trendy clothes for 8 year olds now. Choosing her own clothes might help her feel more comfortable. She also sat and did a little "pamper" evening with her where she let her put make up on, paint her nails, she even let her try on her wedding dress!

I'm sorry to hear she's feeling this way though, as an adult we all know how horrible it is to feel uncomfortable when looking in the mirror so for a child it must be awful.

 

[BettyCrocker]

Hi

I am really hoping for some advice or even to know that others have gone through this. My 8 year old daughter has started getting really funny about looking in the mirror and about the feel of her clothes. Nearly every day she is having a meltdown about something not looking right or feeling too baggy or tight or ‘not right’. It’s just come out of nowhere a few months ago and really intensified the last few weeks. I try to deal with it with patience but once we get to the point where we are late for school or work, I end up shouting which obviously doesn’t help. I’m just wondering is this behaviour a sign for concern or normal for her age and just a phase? I’m really at a loss with it all.

Do you tend to be critical of your own appearance in anyway or say anything negative when you are looking at yourself in the mirror or do you ever comment about your own clothes? Kids quite often pick up on things they see and hear around them so it could be that she’s seen or heard something and has taken it on herself. I’m not saying you are in anyway to blame or anything like that - it’s just an unusual thing for her to just start doing completely out of nowhere. Does she watch anything on tv or online where anyone may have been critical of their appearance or looking in mirrors? It could be something as simple as her watching something where a character didn’t like their clothes or whatever

I would probably not make any issues out of it if you can - don’t mention mirrors and if she sees herself in one and gets upset try to gently ask her what she finds upsetting. Or sit with her at the mirror and get her to point to things she likes about you and then you do the same back to her. But if she doesn’t want to, don’t force it.

 

[SunshineDreamer]

I’m no doctor (although I could ask my husband when he’s home if needed) but could it be a little bit of anxiety of everything going on and this is her way of showing it? With the not looking right the easier solution would be to remove mirrors. If she can’t see herself hopefully they will be eradicated. As for the not feeling right, that could be a little more tricky. Is there a certain type of clothing that is making it worse? A certain fabric. I think (unfortunately) it might have to be a process of elimination, keeping track of what makes her feel like that.

Does she pick out her own clothes daily? Maybe for the time being give her less options. I’d also suggest getting her some sort of diary or worry bear - get her to write down everything when she feels it (to the best an 8 year old can) then go through it together.

 

[veryfondoftea]

Thank you all for your advice. She does pick out her own clothes and just had a growth spurt before Christmas so I was able to take her shopping to get new things just before the shops closed down again. I make a point of not commenting on my or others appearances at all for that exact reason as I had lots of body image issues growing up. It feels a bit scary to see this behaviour as I have been so careful not to be critical about appearances myself - yet could she have picked up on it some other way?
I’ve ordered a book called ‘my hidden chimp’ which a friend recommended to me and I will try and talk to her about her worries, she does seem more of an anxious child than she was this time last year, that’s for sure

 

[Lovebugx]

I agree with the above poster , it's very unsettling at the moment for kids.
Saying that , my 8 year old son is very aware of his appearance he tells me he's ugly , it's not blown into anything major at the moment but I think that all children do go through phases with various things , and especially girls . Is she very mature for her age ? I stated my periods at 10/11 , if she's a bit more forward than the rest of her peers?
Perhaps you could discuss it with her gp.

 

[veryfondoftea]

I agree with the above poster , it's very unsettling at the moment for kids.
Saying that , my 8 year old son is very aware of his appearance he tells me he's ugly , it's not blown into anything major at the moment but I think that all children do go through phases with various things , and especially girls . Is she very mature for her age ? I stated my periods at 10/11 , if she's a bit more forward than the rest of her peers?
Perhaps you could discuss it with her gp.

I’ve just arranged a call with the GP. She’s emotionally mature yeah, but not physically although I have been Googling and Dr Google says girls tend to get a hormone surge around age 8. Bless your son, does he seem almost matter of fact about it when he says it or does he get upset? My daughter seems to be noticing her appearance a lot more lately

 

[Lovebugx]

I’ve just arranged a call with the GP. She’s emotionally mature yeah, but not physically although I have been Googling and Dr Google says girls tend to get a hormone surge around age 8. Bless your son, does he seem almost matter of fact about it when he says it or does he get upset? My daughter seems to be noticing her appearance a lot more lately

Really wow I didn't know that , personally I was very mature looking in my body and definitely wasn't in my mind . I'm not looking forward to the teenage stage.
He is quite matter of fact about it and rarely gets upset about it.
Hair cuts were an issue for a while , he loves his hair long ish ( not ponytail long but kind of floppy fringe long ) and the hairdresser kind of went too short once , well thatbwas it he cried and cried , said he was ugly and looked stupid it's should destroying isn't it , at thier age they should be so hung up on how other see them
I've never made any issues about my appearance , nor is body image an issue in our house either.
He is a bit reserved when it comes to changing at school for swimming too , or even on the beach , no one can see him getting changed he hates that a lot.
I've been trying to re iterate to him that we come in all shapes and sizes and there is no right or wrong way to be , hoping he grows out of it

 

[Teapot_fam]

I am definitely not an expert but it seems like it might be sensory rather than appearance related? Is she quite a sensory child with food, sound, taste?

 

[Ab235]

I was the same and still am. It is sensory for me.
The best thing you can do is let her choose what is comfortable for her to wear. She will be happier in herself and gradually become comfortable exploring new materials and layers herself.

 

[Pjta]

Hello - sorry to hear you're going through this. I was definitely like this as a child. I would only were certain socks especially but even my clothes and really noticed if I didn't have the right stuff on it would completely ruin my day / make me uncomfortable. I was such a happy child but also very particular with certain things.
I think it was defiantly due to being anxious over stuff I couldn't control (parents divorce etc) so definatky letting her have a little bit of her own say will help I reckon.

Hope you all manage to sort it. Anything with our kids can be such a worry can't it. X

 

[veryfondoftea]

Hello - sorry to hear you're going through this. I was definitely like this as a child. I would only were certain socks especially but even my clothes and really noticed if I didn't have the right stuff on it would completely ruin my day / make me uncomfortable. I was such a happy child but also very particular with certain things.
I think it was defiantly due to being anxious over stuff I couldn't control (parents divorce etc) so definatky letting her have a little bit of her own say will help I reckon.

Hope you all manage to sort it. Anything with our kids can be such a worry can't it. X

Thank you x

 

[Lumpfish]

Hi not sure where you live but ask the school to put you in touch with the school nursing team - they will be provided by the NHS and have a wealth on knowledge on behaviour - or google your local authority and school nursing service and they might have their own webpage or direct number for you to call. I didn’t even know they existed until I needed them.
Hope you find some help somewhere

 

[veryfondoftea]

Hi not sure where you live but ask the school to put you in touch with the school nursing team - they will be provided by the NHS and have a wealth on knowledge on behaviour - or google your local authority and school nursing service and they might have their own webpage or direct number for you to call. I didn’t even know they existed until I needed them.
Hope you find some help somewhere

Thank you!

 

[RenataL]

I understand you, my son is 8 too, and he chooses his own clothes. When we go shopping, he chooses what he likes and then we decide what of it we buy. It's important for children to be independent. Be patient and everything will be fine.

 

[TicketyTock]

I understand you, my son is 8 too, and he chooses his own clothes. When we go shopping, he chooses what he likes and then we decide what of it we buy. It's important for children to be independent. Be patient and everything will be fine.

I could have wrote this myself - my 8YO is the same and has also called himself ugly in the past , also is not a fan of looking in a mirror - or having photos taken -

 

[Cucumber and eggs]

Hi

I am really hoping for some advice or even to know that others have gone through this. My 8 year old daughter has started getting really funny about looking in the mirror and about the feel of her clothes. Nearly every day she is having a meltdown about something not looking right or feeling too baggy or tight or ‘not right’. It’s just come out of nowhere a few months ago and really intensified the last few weeks. I try to deal with it with patience but once we get to the point where we are late for school or work, I end up shouting which obviously doesn’t help. I’m just wondering is this behaviour a sign for concern or normal for her age and just a phase? I’m really at a loss with it all.

Possible sensory processing disorder? Im not armchair diagnosing, but talking with experience of 2 girls who have it. My eldest will only wear certain clothes mainly leggings, tshirts and hoodies and has to have her shoe laces done up so tight im surprised her feet don't drop off. Underwear shopping is a nightmare, they are either too big/too small/uncomfortable etc...
Never been an issue until the last few years!
My middle daughter has it also but mainly affects her eating (shes 3 and still on purees due to not liking textures) she also hates hair brushing, sensitive to hot and cold, seeks oral sensory by chewing things. Might be worth looking into.

I could have wrote this myself - my 8YO is the same and has also called himself ugly in the past , also is not a fan of looking in a mirror - or having photos taken -

My 13 year old to a tee

 

[realhousewivewannabe]

following on from other posters i agree there could be an element of sensory issues.

As this is my area, I will suggest asking your GP if you can have a referral to the Paediatric Occupational Therapy services also. They can have a look and explore the sensory sensitivities.

However, often there is limited resources but they will be able to provide advice, written, oral, workshops etc.

Although it may be tempting try and avoid seeking a private OT due the high costs and often their assessments are not always recognised by NHS services (it’s all a saga between different trusts, commissioning groups etc)

Good Luck!

 

[veryfondoftea]

Hey everyone thanks for all your replies and support. Just to give you a bit of an update - things are loads better. I stop shouting and getting frustrated and changed our morning routine so that she gets dressed straight after waking up. Since then we’ve had one meltdown when her favourite top was in the wash but that was a couple of weeks ago now. She’s so much more chilled about it that today I suggested trying some of her other clothes that she’s been avoided as an experiment and she’s worn them and been fine. It makes me think it was an expression of anxiety rather than a specific sensory thing and my staying calm and being accepting of it helped her through it? Not sure but will keep seeing how things go