cheating on our long term partners for the best part of a year.

[Thismamacan]

Title must include what the topic is about.


Just looking for some advice with little judgement as I'm in a bit of a headspin

Ive been seeing a guy from work since september, it all started with a bit of harmless banter/flirting about July last year. I put it down to working together throughout covid.

Weve been stealing time together as it's always a really busy unit, weve recently had to use up our annual leave before the new financial year so weve been taking it at the same time to see each other outside of work.

The situation is difficult as were both in long term relationships. I've been honest from the start, mine has been failing for quite some time due to other factors, weve spoken about it time and time again and just go round in circles. Nothing changes. I know that is no excuse and doesn't justify it, & I've always been that person that says 'if you're not happy, just leave' but life isnt that straight forward.

I know I need to have the conversation with both men, but I just dont know what to say or how to handle it, and to be honest I'm scared of the whole thing and what happens next

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Just looking for some advice with little judgement as I'm in a bit of a headspin

Ive been seeing a guy from work since september, it all started with a bit of harmless banter/flirting about July last year. I put it down to working together throughout covid.

Weve been stealing time together as it's always a really busy unit, weve recently had to use up our annual leave before the new financial year so weve been taking it at the same time to see each other outside of work.

The situation is difficult as were both in long term relationships. I've been honest from the start, mine has been failing for quite some time due to other factors, weve spoken about it time and time again and just go round in circles. Nothing changes. I know that is no excuse and doesn't justify it, & I've always been that person that says 'if you're not happy, just leave' but life isnt that straight forward.

I know I need to have the conversation with both men, but I just dont know what to say or how to handle it, and to be honest I'm scared of the whole thing and what happens next

well, you’ve been cheating on your partners for the best part of a year so it’s all a bit of a mess but you know you have to end it with your partner right? Yes life & relationships are complicated and it may well be messy but you have to end it with him. Just tell him it’s over, that you’ve been seeing someone else and it’s over. It’s not going to be easy but you can’t carry on like this - it’s not fair on him or anyone else.
Do you think if you and your colleague were both single that you’d have started this up? Or is part of the thrill of it that you have to keep it secret? Do you actually want to be with him properly, out in the open? Is he going to end his relationship to be with you?

 

[MaryX82]

Hopefully your main relationship is not to serious as in marriage and kids because that would be a lot more to deal with.Same goes for the new guys situation.Talk it out with your partner and end things if your not happy.But don’t expect anything from the guy at work because he might be happy to continue ‘cheating’in his relationship.

 

[Gembo]

Is the guy you’re seeing still in a relationship?

 

[Oohthedrama]

So you want people to tell you what you’re doing is ok?
Or that you’re being a tit person and the only people who deserve support are the ones who come out of this hurt?

no idea if your partner is a dick, don’t care, you’re not only cheating you’re also destroying another relationship whilst you have a quickly on lunch break.

you know you’re being a tit, you shouldn’t need anyone on here telling you you’re not.
you are.

you’re a dick,
He’s a dick,
Your partners might be a dick,
There is another innocent person in this equation.

she deserves better than all of you combined.

 

[Blair-Waldorf]

Honestly - just bleeping tell him (your partner I mean)

 

[Glamourelle]

So you want people to tell you what you’re doing is ok?
Or that you’re being a tit person and the only people who deserve support are the ones who come out of this hurt?

no idea if your partner is a dick, don’t care, you’re not only cheating you’re also destroying another relationship whilst you have a quickly on lunch break.

you know you’re being a tit, you shouldn’t need anyone on here telling you you’re not.
you are.

As much as I don’t agree with what the OP is doing (though I can’t judge the situation as I don’t know her relationship, only just from the few lines she’s written), I don’t think her post was asking for people to tell her she’s being a tit, or trying to gain sympathy...

 

[orlyb1310]

You need to split up with your long term partner regardless. Is the guy you're seeing planning on dumping his long term partner too? Or is he just seeing you on the sly because he can get away with it? Sounds like its going to end in tears but I'm sure you knew the risks when you got yourself into the situation.
Edit: that sounds a bit judgey, and I know you asked for little judgement. Are you planning to be honest with your partner that you've been cheating or are you just going to call it quits? I think that conversation needs to be had before and regardless of if a conversation happens with the guy you work with. Because the relationship sounds like it needs to end despite the unfaithfulness.

 

[Apple In My Pie]

Well you haven’t been honest from the start, have you. You just need to rip the bandaid off and tell your partner the truth, they deserve that at the least.

 

[Oohthedrama]

As much as I don’t agree with what the OP is doing (though I can’t judge the situation as I don’t know her relationship, only just from the few lines she’s written), I don’t think her post was asking for people to tell her she’s being a tit, or trying to gain sympathy...

Im confused what the point of it is to be honest

 

[watermelon sugar]

Just break up with your partner

 

[Penguinandthepinecone]

Your affair relationship will never work. Your (slimy) man on the side will not leave his wife/partner unless he is caught and kicked out.
What you are doing is wrong.
You are having sex with someone else’s partner and putting hers (and your partner’s) sexual health at risk, they both think they are in monogamous relationships. How would she feel if she knew her husband’s dick had been in some other woman’s before she has sex with him. If he tells you he’s not having sex with her then you shouldn’t believe him, it’s highly unlikely to be true.
What exactly are the reasons that you won’t leave your partner? I bet you can’t justify a reason why you can’t leave your partner, but yet think you can have a relationship elsewhere at the same time?
He deserves to be released so that he can meet someone that isn’t you.
Please tell me the other lady doesn’t have children?

 

[Veronica]

If he says he isn't leaving his partner, what would you do!? Just carry on in your relationship as you are? And also carry on the affair!?

 

[If i told you …]

You need to break from your partner first. Go and rent a home, have some time/space on your own. If your lover moves in with you after said time on your own, then you have done the right thing and the gamble has paid off. Not knowing the first circumstances of your lover?! I have a feeling he won’t necessarily carry on seeing you once you do this!

 

[Raininvain]

I'd split up from your long term partner and give yourself space regarding what you want to do irrespective of the new man. I wouldn't be living with him straight away or anything. When you tell this one that you have left your partner his response immediately will tell you all you need to know. Also if he can do this to his wife/partner then he will do exactly the same to you as well.
You never get happiness out of other peoples sadness and pain I think.

 

[Ugholhere]

You definitely need to focus on yourself and what you want. If you’re unhappy in your relationship and feel like it can’t be salvaged, you should break up. But you can’t expect the man you’re seeing to want to end his relationship as well.
You shouldn’t make your decision to break up depend on that. I know it’s hard.

I know breaking up is scary, because I assume you live together as well.
You definitely should look at your finances and figure out where you’re gonna stay before you have a talk. Get yourself your own safety net.

I hope it all works out for you.

 

[SheMyBestie]

I have been cheated on in a long term relationship and it is the worst feeling. I was distraught.

You need to be honest with your partner. He deserves some respect.

 

[Flossy2019]

Feel like I need more details so I can’t be judgemental. Why is your relationship failing. Is it failing because you’re watering the grass else where ?? Does he deserve to be lied to for a year. No matter how bad things get cheating is never the answer. And I highly doubt your bit on the side is gonna leave his wife / girlfriend for you if he hasn’t done after a year. I’m sorry but you can’t have your cake and eat it. It’s not fair on your partner and your flings partner. When they find out do you know what sort of damage that will do to them ?? They will never trust in a relationship. Sorry but you probably aren’t going to get the answer you’re looking for on here

 

[Oohthedrama]

I can’t believe people need to know more than the sentence

you can’t bleeping have your cake and eat it.

nobody is forcing you to stay in your relationship,
It’s hard to get away, fair enough, so keep your knickers on until they’re only coming off for one man

stop hurting others, you’re destroying OTHER people’s lives so you can have a fumble.

sorry I can’t be in anyway “talk to me” sympathetic and I judge anyone who is

 

[LinaLamont]

I love when people come on here looking for advice when they’re doing something objectively terrible but ask not to be judged. Cheating is disgusting. Just end it with your partner - he (and the other guy’s gf) deserves better.