Chasing friends for money

[HelloStereo]

I was wondering if I could get advice on how reasonable it is to chase friends for money / how often I should remind them.

I went to a pub with a friend the other week. I had the app downloaded as you have to order through it as it is table service only. My friend asked if I would mind ordering for her as well and she would transfer me the money. That was okay as I get discount for the place as it is affiliated with my work, so it made sense.

I am starting to budget for Christmas and the extra money I will spend on presents etc. So I was watching what I was spending. I had three drinks in total, and it was just three pints of Guinness which with the discount was not so expensive. My friend however had a starter and main course, double spirit measures and a dessert wine after. I spent significantly more than anticipated but it was okay if she was going to pay me back as then I am only responsible for my share.

I sent over bank details and she said she would pay that day, but it has now been a week and I have not received the money..I don't want to sound tight but it was a fair bit and I wanted to transfer some money this month into savings.

When is it acceptable to give her a nudge and ask when she will transfer the money? I always find asking for money so uncomfortable.

 

[Cloak]

Ohhhh I totally feel your pain on this one, I absolutely HATE asking for money too, even though it’s their fault for not paying you back immediately. I‘d say you’re well within your rights to ask again now, it’s been a week and you don’t want to leave it so long that it’ll be a distant memory.

maybe you could say, hey actually when you transfer me that cash you owe me can you throw it in this account instead? And give your savings account deets instead? Might be silly but at least there is a small reason for reminding her — you’re changing the acc details — rather than just chasing.

however some people I’m sure will just be like,duck that! Tell her she still hasn’t paid you and demand it back now!

 

[HelloStereo]

Ohhhh I totally feel your pain on this one, I absolutely HATE asking for money too, even though it’s their fault for not paying you back immediately. I‘d say you’re well within your rights to ask again now, it’s been a week and you don’t want to leave it so long that it’ll be a distant memory.

maybe you could say, hey actually when you transfer me that cash you owe me can you throw it in this account instead? And give your savings account deets instead? Might be silly but at least there is a small reason for reminding her — you’re changing the acc details — rather than just chasing.

however some people I’m sure will just be like,duck that! Tell her she still hasn’t paid you and demand it back now!

I like the idea of providing another account number, gives me an excuse to ask again without it seeming like I am badgering her.

It is awkward asking for money isn't it? Like even though we are well within our rights to request it as they said they would pay us back and haven't, we don't want to seem tight and ungenerous!

 

[littlepup]

“Hey, I was just on my bank app & couldn't see that money you sent. Can you just check the details you used in case it’s gone to someone else before I get onto them please. Bloody banks are useless!”

Hopefully you’ll get a ‘tit, I forgot, I’ll do it now’.

Do it soon as it’s just been payday for most people so no excuses.
Obviously don’t try it if they’re the type to say ‘that’s weird, bank must’ve lost it’

 

[HelloStereo]

“Hey, I was just on my bank app & couldn't see that money you sent. Can you just check the details you used in case it’s gone to someone else before I get onto them please. Bloody banks are useless!”

Hopefully you’ll get a ‘tit, I forgot, I’ll do it now’.

Do it soon as it’s just been payday for most people so no excuses.
Obviously don’t try it if they’re the type to say ‘that’s weird, bank must’ve lost it’

Exactly, she should have the money if she has just been paid. I will ask her to check the details and then request she use the savings account if she hasn't paid already. I just didn't know how often I should chase her...I don't want to be a pest but I'm really looking after the pennies this month so £35 is a lot to be out of pocket with!

 

[Be creative]

I am that person who would just outright say “hey, have you transferred over that money? It’s not come into my account yet.” And let her explain why, If for any reason, she hasn’t yet transferred it. If she just has simply forgotten, no biggie she’ll apologise and do it then and there. If no, say you need it as you’re sorting out your bills and want to balance everything out.

we, as a nation, need to get better at asking for money that is ours. It’s a taboo subject, but in reality - shouldn’t be.

Take a big breath, put those big fake balls of steel on, and ask. Trust me. All will be fine

 

[DoctorWho]

She probably just forgotten. I did this a few weeks ago & was mortified when I realised I hadn’t paid my friend back

 

[2xblended]

I am that person who would just outright say “hey, have you transferred over that money? It’s not come into my account yet.” And let her explain why, If for any reason, she hasn’t yet transferred it. If she just has simply forgotten, no biggie she’ll apologise and do it then and there. If no, say you need it as you’re sorting out your bills and want to balance everything out.

we, as a nation, need to get better at asking for money that is ours. It’s a taboo subject, but in reality - shouldn’t be.

Take a big breath, put those big fake balls of steel on, and ask. Trust me. All will be fine

I'd go with this. Direct and polite. There's no shame on either side here. She probably just forgot and you have the right to remind her.

 

[caitlinbullen]

Depends how well you know her I think? If it was my mate I’d go for “Morning you sexy motherfucker....transfer me that £££ from the pub visit last week when you get a sec will ya? I’m skint and feel like it might ruin our friendship if I need to pay you a home visit....”

But I appreciate that might not work for all friendships....

 

[HelloStereo]

Update: I asked whether she could send the payment today because I wanted to put it in savings (and provided savings account details). She read it a few hours ago but has not responded and I have not received any payment. Not sure if it is because she is working or something, but I am not really sure what to do now... :/

 

[Scorpihoe]

This is my worst nightmare and the reason I hate lending money I have such anxiety when it comes to asking for it back ...good luck on getting your money back!

for now I think just assume she’s working but shes read the message and will do it when she’s home. Wait it out today and see what happens. Can I ask if she’s a close friend or no?

 

[HelloStereo]

This is my worst nightmare and the reason I hate lending money I have such anxiety when it comes to asking for it back ...good luck on getting your money back!

for now I think just assume she’s working but shes read the message and will do it when she’s home. Wait it out today and see what happens. Can I ask if she’s a close friend or no?

I know, I hate lending money too. I don't want to appear ungenerous, I absolutely buy friends drinks etc and I don't sit there drawing up spreadsheets working out who owes me what. But at the beginning she asked if I could put it on my app and she'd pay me back afterwards by bank transfer, and her part of the bill was about double my part in the end!

It also gives me anxiety because she's read it but not replied. If she read it and said "oh sorry, I forgot. Am at work now but will do it later", I would not mind so much! I've known her about four years or so and we get on well. I had no reason to think she wouldn't pay me back but her not doing it when she said and now ignoring my message has sown the seeds of doubt!

 

[Greencatfysh]

So awkward - I have two friends that are terrible for this. I know they don’t mean badly but it comes across as so rude. I actually don’t even bother for smaller amounts now as it usually balances out (after like a year ) however for larger amounts I literally just keep asking them and if they kick off then explain how rude it is. Sounds like you were very generous!

 

[Scorpihoe]

Worst case scenario - if she didn’t pay you back, how would you feel continuing the friendship with her?

i have a friend who is very frugal with money, she writes down everything anyone owes her (we were on holiday once and I didn’t have change for the metro, so she borrowed me €1 and asked me for it back that evening ). But I actually admire that and don’t mind. At the end of the day, it’s her money!

but I also have a friend who is extremely generous and books days out for us, takes us anywhere without asking for petrol money, and won’t take a penny when we insist paying her back.

it’s important to find the right balance, and remember, it’s your money, don’t feel you are being ungenerous if you say no sometimes

 

[Raininvain]

How much are we talking about here? If its a large sum then I would leave it a few more days and if I still hadn't got it back then I would ask her nicely for it again and if you still dont get it I would never ever pay for anything again with her or just forget her depending on how I felt about the friendship.
If she cared about you and respected you then she would pay you back straight away.

 

[Sunflower91]

I completely get it’s something uncomfortable to do- I went through a habit of just not following up with people and it got to a point when I added it all up and was shocked by how much it amounts to.
I started to try and re frame it in my head- asking for money owed is a really positive boundary to set. The thing you can control: asking for it back
The things you can’t: how your friend will react. And how they react is no reflection on you as a friend- it is purely about them. I’d just say to them “hey, when you get a sec could you transfer that money over please? I can resend my details if needed”
And take it from there.

 

[BettyCrocker]

How good a friend is she? Is she someone you will see regularly? Do you usually go for a meal when you meet up??

If she’s a good mate you should be able to just outright ask her for the money - I’d phone her though, so you have her there on the call and she has to respond.

if she’s not a particularly good friend and she continues to avoid paying you back and doesn’t provide any kind of explanation id say that would be the last time you go out for a meal with her!

 

[HelloStereo]

How much are we talking about here? If its a large sum then I would leave it a few more days and if I still hadn't got it back then I would ask her nicely for it again and if you still dont get it I would never ever pay for anything again with her or just forget her depending on how I felt about the friendship.
If she cared about you and respected you then she would pay you back straight away.

About 50 pounds or so. I think it's a sizeable chunk of money. If it was one drink I wouldn't worry so much, but it was a lot and this month is already quite tight for me. I always repay people quickly or at least send them a text if there is a problem and I have to go to the bank etc, just disappointing it did not work the other way around.

I completely get it’s something uncomfortable to do- I went through a habit of just not following up with people and it got to a point when I added it all up and was shocked by how much it amounts to.
I started to try and re frame it in my head- asking for money owed is a really positive boundary to set. The thing you can control: asking for it back
The things you can’t: how your friend will react. And how they react is no reflection on you as a friend- it is purely about them. I’d just say to them “hey, when you get a sec could you transfer that money over please? I can resend my details if needed”
And take it from there.

Agreed, it is just asserting your needs rather than letting it fester in your mind. I just really could have done without that extra money spent this month.

How good a friend is she? Is she someone you will see regularly? Do you usually go for a meal when you meet up??

If she’s a good mate you should be able to just outright ask her for the money - I’d phone her though, so you have her there on the call and she has to respond.

if she’s not a particularly good friend and she continues to avoid paying you back and doesn’t provide any kind of explanation id say that would be the last time you go out for a meal with her!

We don't really meet that regularly, maybe once every few months or so? I would definitely have second thoughts about paying for things on a night out now.

 

[caitlinbullen]

i have a friend who is very frugal with money, she writes down everything anyone owes her (we were on holiday once and I didn’t have change for the metro, so she borrowed me €1 and asked me for it back that evening ). But I actually admire that and don’t mind. At the end of the day, it’s her money!

but I also have a friend who is extremely generous and books days out for us, takes us anywhere without asking for petrol money, and won’t take a penny when we insist paying her back.

You made me remember- I have an acquaintance who is exactly like your frugal friend. She always proclaims how careful she is with money and how good at budgeting she is, but honestly she is the absolute worst for borrowing £1 here or £3 there and not paying it back. If we go out and do rounds (drinks), it’s so embarrassing as we all sit with empty glasses for bleeping ages while she hopes that someone else will step in. It actually took me ages to notice it (I’m that silly fucker that just wants to have a good time and is far too quick to offer to pay and have pple pay me back ).

Over time it has irritated me more and more. I’m generous to a fault, but no one likes feeling taken advantage of, and once I noticed it, I realised that she is very deliberate in trying to weasel out of anything financial. I saw her pick up a £10 from a tip in a restaurant once when we went out as a group. She made some excuse to be 2 mins behind everyone so she could do it- but she didn’t realise that I’d turned back and popped to the loo so saw her do it. It obviously galled her too much to give the tip. I now avoid situations where any kind of borrowing can occur like the plague, and have learnt to endure the awkward silences while she grapples with the fact that she might need to get her purse out (prevention is better than cure and all that).

A couple of years ago we booked an Air BNB with another friend for a week away (3 Mums, 9 kids), and long-story short she completely forgot that when we got home I was refunded the £150 deposit as I’d made the booking. Tbf I’d forgotten as well until it was credited. You guessed it- me and the other friend pocketed it- in fact my other friend encouraged me () and said “Jesus...,she’s probably shafted us both out of hundreds over the years”. We didn’t feel bad at all. I honestly just thought, do you know what, that makes up for all the times I’ve been too nice to chase you for a small debt or you’ve shafted us for a few quid I know it probably puts me in the wrong, but not gonna lie, it felt so good

[p.s sorry that was bleeping long and I gatecrashed your post....it obvs triggered something in me ....that felt like therapy ]

 

[Raininvain]

I agree £50 is a lot and I'd want it back as well, if it was something like a £9.99 meal deal I'd just let it go. Its pretty nasty if she doesn't pay you back.
What I've learned over the years is that its often better just to pay for yourself only with meals and drinks. Obviously if someone is a good friend who isn't tight or a chancer then its different.