Caroline Hirons #13 Tell us the truth, you live in the house that belonged to Ruth

[TheSilverFox]

Absolutely gutted. Missed out on a ticket and I'd already got my list of questions ready for the Qween

1. Should I apply SPF50 before I go to bed at night?
2. Is it okay to only apply SPF50 once before bed when it is already dark outside? Should I wake at dawn to reapply or can I wait until I am awake?
3. I am going on holiday next week and am freaking out so bad - should I apply extra SPF50 during the flight as I will be so much closer to the sun?
4. I have had a spreading rash for weeks, before I see the GP, is there any skincare that might help? Not after medical advice, just want some skincare to help me x
5. Not after medical advice, but can you advise what these weird patches are on the back of my knees?
6. I was made redundant last month and lost my cat (he ran away after he ate some of my Oskia cleansing gel - it's the only thing he will eat since he was diagnosed and now every time I wash my face it reminds me and I am grief-stricken all over again) and I spent all my money on flights from Fiji just to come here today. What should I buy (sensitive skin with oily t-zone)?
7. I have brought my friend's sister's aunt with me today. She has only used Dove soap and moisturiser for the last 97 years. Can you suggest a personalised routine for her today? She is adamant it's nonsense, but I know better and have already gifted her The Bible so she has - thank god - got some knowledge now. She doesn't want to go the botox route but is interested in fillers.
8. Can I pay with Klarna today?
9. Where is your jumper from?
10. I know clean beauty is the devil (amen), but I really want to be clean so I am confused. What will happen to me if I clean my face? Does this also count for hair, or is shampoo ok (bit worried about the 'poo' element tbh).

 

[TheSilverFox]

Wow, so many new episodes of Things That Never Actually Happened To The Freaks today I can barely keep up. How many more seasons can we endure? The 'guys, my train was in a train crash and I've lost my kit ' must at least win a nomination for the Freak Academy Award for the worst yet.

Anyway, I'm going to post on the Freaks group in a minute because you guys, I was reading The Bible by the fire (have to light a fire as I cannot afford central heating - NHS worker here). It got dark and because I try not to use electricity (saving money for kits etc), I moved closer to the fire to keep reading. I was so absorbed I didn't realise before it was too late and The Bible set alight and my entire house burnt to the ground. Thankfully me and my cat are safe - but I lost all 5 of the kits I had purchased this week. I can't believe it, I am distraught. I can't stop crying and I think the tears have damaged my acid barrier and I can't get rid of the redness without a kit. Do you think the next cameo bag will be fire proof?

 

[SqualorVictoria]

I think I read some freaks are flying to London for this and staying in hotels One said she had booked her flight, but wasn't even sure if she had got the ticket to gaze lovingly at Queen Hirons at close quarters yet.
Do we think husband with broken ankles will make an appearance?
Brace yourselves for the gushing feedback posts after the sodding event.

Of course he will. After spending ages dithering over which skincare to wear to the event, he'll be a nervous but excited wreck at the thought of being in the same room as Caroline. In fact, he's even more excited than his wife! With his copy of the skincare bible under his arm to be signed by the Queen herself, off he trots to the event.

Of course, in the excitement of trying to decide between vitamin c or lactic acid and Kate SSomerville or Oskia, he forgot to eat dinner and his blood sugar is running a bit low. When Caroline glances in his general direction it's all a bit too much and he faints. He's coming to when the paramedics are there but he still notices a bit of forehead wrinkling on one of them. "Some tret will sort that right out, mate" he advises.

As he's being carried out on the stretcher, he yells "tell the freaks I'm sorry I let them down! Oh and don't forget to cleanse and do your routine, babe! I left TTDO and clean flannels on the bedside locker so you'd have no excuse not to!" He wags his fingers in a mock threatening way.

Isn't my husband the greatest?

 

[Platformcrocs]

Let's see what we have here...

• She had a go at Doutzen Kroes for reasons unknown. Something to do with vaccines. So brave!
• She also had a go at "children" for being "thick pieces of shit"
• How kind of her to promote Jamie Genevive's makeup line - it was NOT an ad folks, just "press samples"
• She claimed to have an American accent, she lived in Mississippi for YEARS after all
• The Chantecaille SPF included in the summer kits looked like semen
• She had a couple of spare Duran Duran tickets. Free for frontline workers, £60 if not. Her generosity knows no bounds
• Useless Son #1 and Pinkwaydrive are officially engaged, but CH hasn't posted about it because HER FAMILY IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS
  • Excited to see what yellow and camo monstrosity of an outfit she'll pull out for the wedding
• The Freaks have been on form as always. A few snippets...
  • SPF Freak who was, of course, "in the hospital" (+5 Freak points), where her husband allegedly told the nurses to wear SPF and double cleanse. Said husband also gave a best man speech which involved telling people to wear SPF so as to not disappoint Caroline. That absolutely happened. Not a shred of exaggeration was detected.
  • Motorway Freak, who claims they did their skincare routine on the hard shoulder with a bottle of water and flannel. No Freak points were awarded though because she wasn't a nurse - try again next time.
  • Husband with cancer and a broken ankle (+10 Freak points for mention of cancer) who is off to buy skincare with his wife because he got the all-clear.
  • NHS Freak (+10 Freak points), who couldn't get an order in as they were working. Benevolent leader CH stepped in and offered to "put a kit to the side"
  • Crying Freak, who somehow damaged their skin barrier with tears. Salty!
  • The mum of a 2-year-old baby (a Freak-in-Training) who was looking for skincare recommendations for said baby.
• Fitness Trainer Ava's jawline took a sudden turn
• Ava has also been swanning around with her arse fully out, on what is probably holiday number 5 of the year
• Sorry, Ava again, she got Covid for the second time (lol)
• And lastly... there was actually a kit released in amongst all this hilarity! Last one for seven months. Thank God the Skin Rocks boxes are every month, can't have the credit card gathering dust

 

[I'veloveditforyears]

Why not wear tampons inside your cheeks to save on filler?

 

[Upnorth]

Right. I’ve lurked for long enough. This weekend with those FFs (Fucking Freaks is the only name I have for them), has completely got to me. What is the hold she has over them? They aren’t normal to carry on like this. How can they worship someone who peddles mixtures of oil and water? LUNACY.

 

[rosemarina]

The paternalistic husband handing her a glass of water and sitting her down to watch a recorded TV segment has made my own “foof” snap shut, good god.

 

[booth0l3s]

This person is leaving some excellent comments - not sure how she’s not been ejected from the group yet

 

[Platformcrocs]

That OCD post was ridiculous.

also, these below are the same person. How much money are we putting on her just buying herself this stuff? Why would such an ardent freak not have already had the book?

View attachment 798354View attachment 798356

Minus 50 Freak points for not already having a copy of THE BIBLE, it has been out for a year and a half, absolutely zero excuses, some fan she is.

10 Freak points for mention of a hapless-sounding husband.

Minus 20 Freak points for the Aldi skincare.

Minus 10 Freak points for not being "in the hospital".

Overall, -70 Freak points for this post. Could have had an extra 20 Freak points if the husband started telling the staff at Aldi to get a copy of The Bible, but he didn't. Poor effort.

 

[TheSilverFox]

The freaks trying to out-do themselves is 50% hilarious/50% cringe your inside out. Niche feeling I only get checking the freaks group.

One of them today had returned from a 3-hour doctors appointment (no idea why it took 3 hours based on her description of very routine quick tests) and her partner sat her down when she came home, gave her a glass of water for her skin hydration and played her the CH segment that he had taped for her on This Morning...

What will happen next in the never-ending saga of Things That Never Actually Happened To The Freaks? Stay tuned, or get your husband who never pays you any attention, uses your goats milk cleanser to clean the bog, refuses to adhere to the simplified 9 step routine you devised for him and recycled your copy of The Bible, to surprise you with every single kit that Caroline has ever released which he had been storing secretly in a specially rented out storage unit after your 57th night shift in a row with a broken leg, the day after you got the all-clear from your blood tests.

 

[SqualorVictoria]

I just got an email from Space NK with "Caroline Hirons has spoken" in the subject bar. That has earned an instant unsubscribe

 

[SqualorVictoria]

Absolutely gutted. Missed out on a ticket and I'd already got my list of questions ready for the Qween

1. Should I apply SPF50 before I go to bed at night?
2. Is it okay to only apply SPF50 once before bed when it is already dark outside? Should I wake at dawn to reapply or can I wait until I am awake?
3. I am going on holiday next week and am freaking out so bad - should I apply extra SPF50 during the flight as I will be so much closer to the sun?
4. I have had a spreading rash for weeks, before I see the GP, is there any skincare that might help? Not after medical advice, just want some skincare to help me x
5. Not after medical advice, but can you advise what these weird patches are on the back of my knees?
6. I was made redundant last month and lost my cat (he ran away after he ate some of my Oskia cleansing gel - it's the only thing he will eat since he was diagnosed and now every time I wash my face it reminds me and I am grief-stricken all over again) and I spent all my money on flights from Fiji just to come here today. What should I buy (sensitive skin with oily t-zone)?
7. I have brought my friend's sister's aunt with me today. She has only used Dove soap and moisturiser for the last 97 years. Can you suggest a personalised routine for her today? She is adamant it's nonsense, but I know better and have already gifted her The Bible so she has - thank god - got some knowledge now. She doesn't want to go the botox route but is interested in fillers.
8. Can I pay with Klarna today?
9. Where is your jumper from?
10. I know clean beauty is the devil (amen), but I really want to be clean so I am confused. What will happen to me if I clean my face? Does this also count for hair, or is shampoo ok (bit worried about the 'poo' element tbh).

11. My foof is not as soft and moisturised as it once was, would some liquid gold restore it to its former glory? My gynae says to leave it alone but what does she, a medical professional, know? When are you bringing out a kit for that?

12. I'm pregnant, should I bring some sunscreen with me to slather on my baby as soon as he or she is born? Obviously I'm concerned with the UV from the bright lights of the delivery room and ageing starts the second the baby is born so I want to give them the very best start in life.

13. My 3 year old child is more interested in Paw Patrol, what are your best tips for getting a disinterested toddler to follow a suitable regimen?

14. My childs first words were 'Mama' and not 'Caroline' or 'SPF50', am I a terrible parent? What am I doing wrong?

15. My husband says he'll divorce me if I don't stop buying your kits and squandering our savings on yet more skincare. Can you recommend a suitable routine to help deal with the stress of an unsupportive husband and potential marriage breakdown. Here's my Cult wishlist if it's of any interest

16. I was in the shower this morning and while I usually follow your advice of holding my face up as if the water has offended me, I absent-mindedly let some shower water drip onto my face, is my skin ruined? What can I do?

 

[SqualorVictoria]

Hey all! Going out for dinner but it's to a place I've never been before. Only thing is I'm a bit nervous about trying somewhere new as I can't justify the price if I don't like the food. Anyone want to help out? Only if you're sure!

I want to buy a book but what if the book is awful and I've wasted 10 pounds? I can't justify that! Anyone want to send me a free copy? I feel like I'll be happy to spend a bit more on books once I know what I like!

 

[DreamyGal]

I’ve taken one for the team
My friend bought 2 tickets I said I’d go for a nosy

 

[SavetheDrama]

I’ve been gone for a while from both Tattle and social media (think pre-pandemic).
I used to be a fan of CH’s blog and her advice was very useful for me to level up my skincare, I still use many of her old recommendations. Her brash manners and her lack of kindness really turned me off and the more her fans became cultish, the less enthused I was.
it was easy then to start seeing the cracks in her honesty, and to see that she was as bad as all the others with the undeclared ads etc etc.
So seeing that she’s turned herself into the internet equivalent of a old school market fishmonger is not at all a surprise to me.

however I’m really grossed out at her weird “momager” stuff on her daughter’s shocking IG feed, telling off accounts that offer “collabs” because they “can’t afford my daughter”. Gross.

“Lady H” is no Kris J and her daughter is no Kim K.

 

[hanlosc]

Is it just me or does this beard make anyone else feel physically sick?

 

[AlphaBetaDeux]

Obviously the first thing you’d worry about after your accident is where your kits are. Being generous I suppose it might be shock, although I wouldn’t personally be taking to social media to post this, unless I wanted attention/free replacements…

 

[jellybleep]

I had to join here as I thought I was losing my mind! Joined the CH group for general old lady skincare tips etc etc and turns out it is an utterly bizarre cult! I’ve never seen behaviour like it, and I have been a super fan of various pop stars etc in my youth! The woman sells skincare products…and that’s it! Yet they worship her.
Well I have been enjoying the hilarious nature of the whole thing and as I’m training to be a psychotherapist I might find a whole load of clients if I’m lucky!

 

[w8g]

I still don't understand what they are getting for their £35 slot. Is it 2 hour access to a room decorated to the glory of CH, a session where CH and unnamed friends chat, answer questions and maybe do selfies, and access to the kits which can also be bought outside and online without a ticket? I've met CH a couple of times at John Lewis events. I think the tickets were about £30 and there was a goody bag and about £20 was redeemable against Clarins. There doesn't even seem to be a goody bag involved at this event. Are they paying £35 to simply see CH in the flesh and see displays of her "Hall of Fame"?

I think they are each paying £35 to fund her £2M mortgage.

 

[AlphaBetaDeux]

Just to complete the evening, another blatant beg…