Cant stop thinking about someone else

[BettyCrockerr]

Hi everyone,

Not really sure what I expect from sharing this, I feel a terrible person but I am so confused.

I am a mother of 2 young girls and live with my partner/their dad - we have been together for 8 years.

I fell pregnant with my first pretty quickly. Had this not had happened, I'm not sure if we would have remained together. We are total opposites and it has got worse over the years. He's a good person but it feels more of a friendship - I feel no other desire for him. We haven't been intimate for nearly a year and I'm OK with that. I feel we are together purely for the girls and the security/convenience for us both.

I have got close (not in a guilty way) with a man from work. He ticks all my boxes, share hobbies, interests etc. I would never do anything as I am in a relationship but I cannot stop thinking of this man and worried I am wasting my life on a relationship that has been dead in the water for a long time. I will never cheat, but I feel meeting this man has made me realise how deflated I am in my current relationship. I know the grass isn't always greener but can I really be in this relationship for the children only?

Like I said, my partner is a good man. I'd like to think that I too am a good person. I just don't know what to do.

There are two issues at play here.

first - your relationship with your partner.
Second - the crush you have on the other man


You are currently in a relationship, you have children together. You have to sit down with him and talk about how you are feeling - lay it all out on the table and tell him that you feel the romantic relationship between you has run it’s course and that you want to end the relationship and move on with your life and allow him to do the same. Then you do so - you will have to sort out all of the practicalities that come along with the breakdown of a relationship - from sorting out the living arrangements, the finances, the shared parenting etc of the kids it all has to be sorted out. only once all of this has been sorted and the dust settled can you start really looking at what want from a new relationship. The guy at work is a symptom of your current situation at home - it’s not the cure. Stay away from him until such time that you are officially single and living separately from your partner and then you will see if the feeling you have now are actually genuine and if it’s worth perusing but I think you’ll probably find that when all is said and done he’s not really what you will want.

Do the right thing and talk to your partner.

 

[laughing]

Deal with one relationship before you start another

 

[reCAPTCHA]

Only thing I’d say is careful not to fall for the new guy based on what you think he might offer. Do you really know? How much are you just building it/him up in your head because of what you’re lacking in your current relationship.

And remember all the positives about your current partner. So for example, you might not fancy him in the same way, but is he kind, loyal, funny, financially secure, good work ethic, good father? Would you trade all that with no guarantees on the new guy?

I don’t have the answers, but I do know that it’s easy to project solely what’s missing from your current relationship onto a potentially shiny new one that you have no actual experience of day-to-day, and to forget all the good things that you might take your granted. I did the same thing a few years ago and am so glad that I never did anything about it and I can honestly say I’m so happy and grateful that I stayed and worked on my marriage.

 

[Pariszai]

You sound like a good person, and a caring mother but these things happen and it's not always in childrens' best interests for parents to stay together if they're not happy.
Do you think your partner feels the same way as you?
Did you have these feelings before you met this person from work or could it be a very intense crush that could be worked through if you confronted the problems with your partner?
Do you want to improve your relationship with your partner and put the work in to improve things, or do you feel it's run its course?

 

[watermelon sugar]

I think if you know deep down you don’t love your partner that way and he maybe feels the same way, it would be best to end it. You probably think staying together for your girls is the best thing to do but they will grow up and be able to tell their parents are in a loveless relationship. Even if you did seperate, you might not even want to go for the man at work, it might just a feeling that is there cos you know deep down you’re not happened with your partner. I do things it’s best you end things, cos life is too short to be in an unhappy relationship, your kids will be happier knowing both their parents are happy

 

[Kim Mild]

I'm a firm believer that people we aren't in a relationship with can have the biggest impact on the course of our life.

This man at work may be a catalyst in you realising you don't want to be with your partner anymore.

He could just be a crush . Possibly you've filled in the blanks and you've daydreamed a character that you are thinking of all the time .

I think real relationships often are boring, especially with all the day to day . And new people when you fancy them seem exciting.

Do you see yourself leaving your partner and being single?

 

[MakeMineADouble]

Hi everyone,

Not really sure what I expect from sharing this, I feel a terrible person but I am so confused.

I am a mother of 2 young girls and live with my partner/their dad - we have been together for 8 years.

I fell pregnant with my first pretty quickly. Had this not had happened, I'm not sure if we would have remained together. We are total opposites and it has got worse over the years. He's a good person but it feels more of a friendship - I feel no other desire for him. We haven't been intimate for nearly a year and I'm OK with that. I feel we are together purely for the girls and the security/convenience for us both.

I have got close (not in a guilty way) with a man from work. He ticks all my boxes, share hobbies, interests etc. I would never do anything as I am in a relationship but I cannot stop thinking of this man and worried I am wasting my life on a relationship that has been dead in the water for a long time. I will never cheat, but I feel meeting this man has made me realise how deflated I am in my current relationship. I know the grass isn't always greener but can I really be in this relationship for the children only?

Like I said, my partner is a good man. I'd like to think that I too am a good person. I just don't know what to do.

 

[37BBL]

Are you thinking the grass will be greener as such? I think if you're imagining a life or relationship with this other guy, just be careful because it is very unlikely it will pan out exactly how you are thinking. I think sometimes we can be blindsided by a bit of affection or attention and our mind starts to wander a little bit. It could be that this guy has traits that wouldn't work as a couple and you might end up regretting things.

Is this a wake up call that you could work on your relationship or at least talk to him and see whether you both want to make it work? I would be cautious about ending things and thinking there is a happy ending with the other guy, because that might not be the case.

My advice is talk to your partner and see where you both want to go with the relationship. Good luck xx

 

[Rodneytrotter]

Have you ever had this happen to you before? Like an intense crush on another person? It could be that you are in a state of limerence. It happens to me all the time and has done since I was a teen, I find it very distressing.

 

[Rodneytrotter]

It's really hard I'm going through someone similar at the moment. I'm also a mother with a partner and would not act on my feelings but the levels of obsession are actually quite scary which I feel. I believe what we are feeling is limerence. It's crazy because even though I have this insane desire to want this person to feel the same, I have no intention to pursue anything. I have reduced contact with him as I did give vibes he felt at least attracted to me which is getting into dangerous territory. Wish I could say it has stopped me obsessing though!

Reducing contact and distracting yourself is the only way with limerence I find. Its something I'm doing at the moment.

 

[Mamabear29]

It's really hard I'm going through someone similar at the moment. I'm also a mother with a partner and would not act on my feelings but the levels of obsession are actually quite scary which I feel. I believe what we are feeling is limerence. It's crazy because even though I have this insane desire to want this person to feel the same, I have no intention to pursue anything. I have reduced contact with him as I did give vibes he felt at least attracted to me which is getting into dangerous territory. Wish I could say it has stopped me obsessing though!

 

[littlepup]

You only have one life and you deserve to be loved and love in return. It’s not always passionately, exciting, sometimes it’s simple companionship and shared respect but I don’t believe in wasting your life on something that’s just a better alternative than being alone.
I would take a good look at your current relationship and decide if it would be fairer to you both to be single. If not, you own it to yourselves to enjoy your life together more. Establish a common interest maybe.
The ‘other man’ should not be any consideration other than representing that there may be something out there that could be great, that you may have an exciting future ahead.
If you split from your current relationship, don’t pursue anything for quite some time. Learn to be single, learn to be your own security.

 

[strawb]

first of all, thank you for sharing & hang in there! it's not a nice situation to be in.

i know it's easier said than done but try to put aside the crush you have on your colleague and stop thinking about him for a while, but rather focus on what you would do with your partner if the colleague was not in the picture.

as others have mentioned, children can sense when their parents don't love each other anymore, and staying together can do more harm than good. your children could grow up thinking that's what a relationship is supposed to be like (speaking from experience).

talk to your partner first, he might even surprise you, or he might agree with you. only then pursue something else

 

[Mamabear29]

Reducing contact and distracting yourself is the only way with limerence I find. Its something I'm doing at the moment.

Thank you- may I ask how long yours has went on for? It's been three months of it and I literally think about him all day on and off- its like he is permanently in the back of my mind. Sounds crazy typing it but true

 

[Rodneytrotter]

Thank you- may I ask how long yours has went on for? It's been three months of it and I literally think about him all day on and off- its like he is permanently in the back of my mind. Sounds crazy typing it but true

I've had this particular one for a few months. Ive had loads in the past, started with my french teacher when I was about 14. I absolutely hate it, it's like an obsession and addiction all rolled into one. If this is the first time its happened to you it could be just a harmless crush x