Can't stop loving abusive ex

[2020two]

I feel absolutely ridiculous posting this and couldn't hate myself more for how I feel. It's been almost 4 months since myself and my abusive ex husband seperated and I cannot seem to get over him. He was cruel, manipulative, forced me to do things I didn't want to do, and isolated me away from everyone I know. I should hate him with every bone in my body but I don't. I still feel love for him and I miss him terribly even though I know how he treated me wasn't ok and I never deserved it. I've raised our 9 month old twins all on my own during the pandemic, I should feel strong but I've never felt so weak.

I've been in 3 abusive relationships in a row and I keep thinking of that quote "we accept the love we think we deserve" and I feel like I must truly hate myself to accept everything men have put me through. I can't stop blaming myself and wondering what I did wrong and how I could have prevented everything that happened. I cannot stop crying this evening because I want to see him but at the same time I hate him.

I've just been on 3 dates with a sweet guy who genuinley seems to like me but in my head I know I'm not ready and I don't know how to move on. I just want to move past this stage in my life. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I've tried talking to friends but they don't understand or just say "duck him he's a prick!" etc but it doesn't seem to help

 

[judgejohndeed]

Omg, are you kidding - you are so strong! Raising twins by yourself in a pandemic, in the midst of a break up, I’m sure I saw you say on another board work is tough at the minute - seriously, you’re superwoman!!
It’s totally normal to hate and love someone who has been abusive to you. The love part is how they get you invested for so long. If you didn’t love them we would all walk away when treated poorly. That is part of the abuse. Also, you’ve only been apart 4 months. And you’re having such a hard time with everything else going on. Don’t be so hard on yourself, it’s only been 4 months! This will take time!
I think we do accept the love we think we deserve but it’s not your fault if you feel like you only deserve bad love. It’s not your fault someone was abusive to you.
It sounds like it might be a bit early for dating. There is no rush to move on. You have so much on your plate. Take your time and go at a pace that works for you. Have you thought about having some therapy? It sounds like it might really help you right now and it’s good to have an ear to talk to that isn’t a friend or family member who probably doesn’t quite get it.
I think you wanted to chat about leaving academia anyway but please send me a message if you need a chat Honestly you are doing so so well. Take it easy.

 

[BettyCrocker]

I think what you are feeling is actually really quite normal, so don’t beat yourself up over that. I think you need to explore this with a professional- a counsellor or therapist, to get to the root of what causes you to gravitate towards these types of men and to start to work through your feeling towards your ex. There’s obviously a lot going on that you probably need to explore and work on and that’s absolutely understandable.

please don’t rush into dating anyone else. You need to concentrate on your own mental well-being first, that must be your priority. Your feeling towards your ex are yours to feel - if that makes sense - but please don’t under any circumstances be tempted to get involved with him again.

 

[Bae56]

Almost 4 months is very soon, even when the relationship is bad. It's strange that when you know logically that this person has hurt you, emotionally they're also the one who can take your hurt away.
Previously I've found that dating too soon can make it more apparent that you're not over the ex. It highlights the feelings you're trying to bury.
Being a parent even with all the support in the world can be exhausting and emotional in itself never mind going through a breakup. You're stronger than you know.

I agree with the above poster that focusing on yourself is the best thing you can do. The longer you stay away from him the stronger you'll become and you will get over it

 

[at-the-disco]

I really vouch for therapy if you feel like you cant talk to your friends, i dont know your financial situation but could you set aside £150-200 for a few private therapy sessions, even if its just for a month? I think it'll help you being able to let out your feelings to someone indifferent, and they will be able to uncover things you had no idea about that will help you to realise why you're feeling like this. I'm so sorry youre going through this, i know it seems like empty words but you will absolutely be okay

 

[Bellaboo83]

Look up trauma bonding... This is likely what's happening..

You will get over it I promise, its so hard I know, I went through a break up 6 months ago, in the middle of the first lockdown and i never thought I'd get over it. 6 months on, I'm a different person. I'm still healing but I'm smiling again and the pain has gone.

I really vouch for therapy too. It helped me a lot because I don't have many friends / didn't feel like I could talk about it with them. It helped having someone to tell everything too, and it helped having her perspective on it. Contact your local mental health team via your doctor, they often have subsidised therapy sessions available, part paid by the NHS

Wishing you all the best

 

[MissyAnon]

Was just about to say google trauma bonding, it'll help you understand x

 

[ChloChlo]

You are alot stronger than you think.

I strongly recommend reading material from the Wings courses. IDVA usually direct you. I would also avoid relationships completely until you heal completely. I wish I had. That is one piece of advice I could have given by younger self when I escaped my abusive partner. I could not stop thinking about him, I felt guilty for leaving, stopped eating because the thought of him moving on made me physically sick. Thought I still loved him when really all I loved was a fantasy of him and whatever rare tidbits of affection, only when he went silly and giddy when he had a drink. I was living for that.

It is horrible to say but there is a "hidden face" of everybody that we see but the person in question doesn't. Believe me, you will be appearing quite vulnerable right now, even if you insist otherwise. Men right now will pick that up, they will use what they can out of you whilst you are still raw, without learning to love yourself again, it is very easy to fall into the trap of domestic abuse again and again. Honestly, I would avoid men altogether. Trust me the vultures will be circling - I was taken aback by the amount of Male attention I seem to get when my life has been at its worst. Concentrate on all things you. Treat yourself as a blank canvas. Make mood boards with magazines and catalogues. It is very easy to come out of an abusive relationship with no sense of identity. Choose hairstyles you like, clothing, shoes, home decor, holiday destinations, animals, general things you find striking and pleasing to look at. Read up on faiths and spirituality. Does anything appeal to you? Revisit any interests and hobbies you had when you were younger. Do they appeal to you anymore? Watch plenty of positive television you YouTube channels and eat well.

 

[WilmaHun]

I feel absolutely ridiculous posting this and couldn't hate myself more for how I feel. It's been almost 4 months since myself and my abusive ex husband seperated and I cannot seem to get over him. He was cruel, manipulative, forced me to do things I didn't want to do, and isolated me away from everyone I know. I should hate him with every bone in my body but I don't. I still feel love for him and I miss him terribly even though I know how he treated me wasn't ok and I never deserved it. I've raised our 9 month old twins all on my own during the pandemic, I should feel strong but I've never felt so weak.

I've been in 3 abusive relationships in a row and I keep thinking of that quote "we accept the love we think we deserve" and I feel like I must truly hate myself to accept everything men have put me through. I can't stop blaming myself and wondering what I did wrong and how I could have prevented everything that happened. I cannot stop crying this evening because I want to see him but at the same time I hate him.

I've just been on 3 dates with a sweet guy who genuinley seems to like me but in my head I know I'm not ready and I don't know how to move on. I just want to move past this stage in my life. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I've tried talking to friends but they don't understand or just say "duck him he's a prick!" etc but it doesn't seem to help

I'm so sorry to hear this.

Firstly - It is not ridiculous to post this and you should not hate yourself for how you feel.

Secondly - four months is not a long time, you need to give youself time to get over what has happened.

As others have said, google trauma bonding.

I wish you all the best.

 

[MalletsMallet]

I feel absolutely ridiculous posting this and couldn't hate myself more for how I feel. It's been almost 4 months since myself and my abusive ex husband seperated and I cannot seem to get over him. He was cruel, manipulative, forced me to do things I didn't want to do, and isolated me away from everyone I know. I should hate him with every bone in my body but I don't. I still feel love for him and I miss him terribly even though I know how he treated me wasn't ok and I never deserved it. I've raised our 9 month old twins all on my own during the pandemic, I should feel strong but I've never felt so weak.

I've been in 3 abusive relationships in a row and I keep thinking of that quote "we accept the love we think we deserve" and I feel like I must truly hate myself to accept everything men have put me through. I can't stop blaming myself and wondering what I did wrong and how I could have prevented everything that happened. I cannot stop crying this evening because I want to see him but at the same time I hate him.

I've just been on 3 dates with a sweet guy who genuinley seems to like me but in my head I know I'm not ready and I don't know how to move on. I just want to move past this stage in my life. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I've tried talking to friends but they don't understand or just say "duck him he's a prick!" etc but it doesn't seem to help

You are not weak.
The strength you had to walk away from that relationship proves it.

I think what is really important is for you to realise that your exes didn't abuse you because of anything you had done. They were the ones with the problem. The problem was not you. You could have been anyone on this forum- it was their behaviours and their problems at fault. You weren't sought out because you were weak. You do not attract abuse. They are the ones at fault. Understand that their behaviour was not down to you.

People have given really good advice on trauma bonding which I'd recommend looking at

A very simple thing I'd say to do is imagine yourself your twins age. All the loving things you say to them, all the hopes and dreams you have for them, all the advice you say to them- say to little you. Be as loving, kind and gentle towards yourself as you are to them.

You don't need validation through others. It's totally natural to want to be in a relationship and there's no time frame for moving on, no matter how your previous relationship ended. But, as horribly cheesey and cliche as it sounds, fall in love with yourself first. Admire and celebrate all your achievements. Then allow someone else to celebrate them with you

 

[2020two]

I cannot thank you all enough for your responses, you have all changed my perspective so much. Reading on trauma bonding was like a lightbulb moment going off in my head. I was abused by my father for 16 years, I had no idea how this could be impacting me and the kind of relationship I expect. I talked through a lot of the things which happened with my ex with a counsellor this week and every single thing I assumed was normal "no that was abusive" or "no that was a manipulation". I'm in shock. Unfortunately I can't stop dreaming about him and my dreams always paint him in a really positive light and that we'll be back together soon ( thanks brain) but she said I've been so manipulated that my brain still can't just let go. I think this is the start of a massive therapy journey and the start of not letting another man abuse me again. Xxx

 

[tskiry56]

I feel absolutely ridiculous posting this and couldn't hate myself more for how I feel. It's been almost 4 months since myself and my abusive ex husband seperated and I cannot seem to get over him. He was cruel, manipulative, forced me to do things I didn't want to do, and isolated me away from everyone I know. I should hate him with every bone in my body but I don't. I still feel love for him and I miss him terribly even though I know how he treated me wasn't ok and I never deserved it. I've raised our 9 month old twins all on my own during the pandemic, I should feel strong but I've never felt so weak.

I've been in 3 abusive relationships in a row and I keep thinking of that quote "we accept the love we think we deserve" and I feel like I must truly hate myself to accept everything men have put me through. I can't stop blaming myself and wondering what I did wrong and how I could have prevented everything that happened. I cannot stop crying this evening because I want to see him but at the same time I hate him.

I've just been on 3 dates with a sweet guy who genuinley seems to like me but in my head I know I'm not ready and I don't know how to move on. I just want to move past this stage in my life. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I've tried talking to friends but they don't understand or just say "duck him he's a prick!" etc but it doesn't seem to help

Having been in an abusive relationship I can understand how you feel! You may think you love your ex and miss him but thats how they make you feel ... like you need them and depend on them.
Have you had counselling? Talking to someone will help you understand why you feel the way you do.
I was on my own for a few years after my ex. I concentrated on my own mental health and my son. Please don’t rush anything give yourself time and focus on your babies.
i used to write about my experience to help as a sort of therapy the link is it my profile it might help you it might not. But just know your feelings now are only temporary and with support you can get through it.. please don’t go back to an abuser.

 

[Sarahgreenacre]

I feel absolutely ridiculous posting this and couldn't hate myself more for how I feel. It's been almost 4 months since myself and my abusive ex husband seperated and I cannot seem to get over him. He was cruel, manipulative, forced me to do things I didn't want to do, and isolated me away from everyone I know. I should hate him with every bone in my body but I don't. I still feel love for him and I miss him terribly even though I know how he treated me wasn't ok and I never deserved it. I've raised our 9 month old twins all on my own during the pandemic, I should feel strong but I've never felt so weak.

I've been in 3 abusive relationships in a row and I keep thinking of that quote "we accept the love we think we deserve" and I feel like I must truly hate myself to accept everything men have put me through. I can't stop blaming myself and wondering what I did wrong and how I could have prevented everything that happened. I cannot stop crying this evening because I want to see him but at the same time I hate him.

I've just been on 3 dates with a sweet guy who genuinley seems to like me but in my head I know I'm not ready and I don't know how to move on. I just want to move past this stage in my life. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I've tried talking to friends but they don't understand or just say "duck him he's a prick!" etc but it doesn't seem to help

Well first off ... wow what a women! Don’t feel embarrassed or ashamed your not the one who should be feeling that. My ex husband was excactly like that gave me depression turned me on my family horrible man. I used to do 10 hour shifts and absolutely dread going home. YOU ARE NOT the one in the wrong! Time is a great healer I know it easier said then done but it is true. I found turning the ‘I miss Him’ to imagine been that relationship like that still imagine bringing my children up around him. Have fun with your twins and enjoy it been just you guys think of the future as you 3. How strong is that you’ve not just raised them on your own you’ve raised them threw a worldwide pandemic! I’d say that was pretty epic! Plan your future look forward to doing things with your twins! Your strong, be strong and independent! Imagine all the amazing time are coming, learning your babies to walk and take them to the park! And you get the bed all to yourself lol seriously tho your doing a great job

 

[LaurieLaurie]

It takes time. I’m not over my ex a year later.