Brother in law.

[Petulant_vlogger]

(Details will be vague to keep everyone anonymous)
My brother in law is in his 30s. He still lives at home. He works 10 hours per week in a dead end job despite having a phD. His mum drives him to and from this job (5 minute bus ride away).

The main problem I have with him though is that he is feckless. He does not help his mum and dad despite them supporting him almost completely. Before lockdown I was going round there once a week at least to help with housework and DIY (with a toddler). While BIL sat in his room playing his computer games.

He just seems stuck in his childish ways. And he is so high and mighty about his degree. He thinks he is so much better than everyone else. I'm so worried about the fact that both my in laws are still working and are probably struggling to cope with working, looking after their adult child, then there is christmas and all the housework and paying bills etc. He isnt working but I can guarantee that he isnt lifting a finger to help them.

Problem being that mother in law will be very upset if I say anything. She doesn't seem to mind. Father in law however would probably thank me.

Does anybody have any advise?

 

[Drea1984]

My brother is the same. Good degree and hasn’t worked for a good 20 years. It’s like he is stuck at age 14. He has a council flat I sorted for him and goes on endless short holidays. All wrong. My father babies him to an embarrassing extent.
He is kind in many ways but is like an overgrown child.

 

[Georgethecat]

Probably so high and mighty about his degree cause it's the only thing he's achieved in his life, most people get degree, have career, other accomplishments and things like that and progress on with their lives.

Sounds like he's got MH problems and maybe you are not aware of past things that may have happened that your MIL is the way she is with him? Maybe MIL is the issue as doesn't want her baby to grow up and leave her, so is happy to baby him and he's got no drive to get a better career and take next step into self sufficiency.


How does your partner feel about it? I wouldn't get too involved in it all, if you're asked to help MIL with something that BIL can help with then say no, you have your own stuff to prioritise and suggest BIL can help. Other than that it's not really your place to get involved. Bit of a strange set up but I am guessing not that uncommon in this day and age.

 

[Chandler Bing]

I had a similar SIL when I was with my ex. Rinsed her parents and completely took the piss. Honestly it's not your place to do or say anything. I would just stay out of it. Prioritise your own little family you have a toddler who needs you way more than your in laws. At the end of the day it is your MIL and FIL who are enabling this situation, it's their mess to clean.

 

[Petulant_vlogger]

Probably so high and mighty about his degree cause it's the only thing he's achieved in his life, most people get degree, have career, other accomplishments and things like that and progress on with their lives.

Sounds like he's got MH problems and maybe you are not aware of past things that may have happened that your MIL is the way she is with him? Maybe MIL is the issue as doesn't want her baby to grow up and leave her, so is happy to baby him and he's got no drive to get a better career and take next step into self sufficiency.


How does your partner feel about it? I wouldn't get too involved in it all, if you're asked to help MIL with something that BIL can help with then say no, you have your own stuff to prioritise and suggest BIL can help. Other than that it's not really your place to get involved. Bit of a strange set up but I am guessing not that uncommon in this day and age.

He is indeed the baby of the family and I have a feeling that is where a lot of this comes from. My partner agrees with me. Everyone just seems to be waiting for him to grow up but I cant see that happening x

I had a similar SIL when I was with my ex. Rinsed her parents and completely took the piss. Honestly it's not your place to do or say anything. I would just stay out of it. Prioritise your own little family you have a toddler who needs you way more than your in laws. At the end of the day it is your MIL and FIL who are enabling this situation, it's their mess to clean.

I think you're right. Thank you xx

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

A few of my in laws seem to be quite lazy and can take advantage. One of my partner’s cousins will take his washing to his Nan’s despite his nan being almost 80. He has a washing machine, he just can’t be bothered. He lived with mum rent free for a long time and his mum managed his finances for him, he does work at least.

SIL can also be quite lazy, getting her mum to do washing and other jobs for her. She is really dependent on her parents, she would struggle without them, although she does live alone.

it’s always a mystery to me because it’s not how I would ever behave, I don’t have any family to rely on in that way and even if I did, I wouldn’t.

what is his phd in? Is there a reason why he doesn’t have a permanent full time job? Sounds to me like he has no motivation at all and is happy to leech off others.

 

[Magee]

Ask yourself, why does this bother you so much? You married his sibling, not him! We all know lazy guys at work, just unfortunate for you that you’re related by marriage to one of them.

 

[Kim Mild]

Perhaps they are all happy with the way things are in their household, their son's behaviour may not be a problem to them.
Also , many educated people work in part time dead end jobs, as unfortunately not everyone manages to get a well paid, high flying career. At least he isn't taking a job that someone needs to survive.

 

[Petulant_vlogger]

A few of my in laws seem to be quite lazy and can take advantage. One of my partner’s cousins will take his washing to his Nan’s despite his nan being almost 80. He has a washing machine, he just can’t be bothered. He lived with mum rent free for a long time and his mum managed his finances for him, he does work at least.

SIL can also be quite lazy, getting her mum to do washing and other jobs for her. She is really dependent on her parents, she would struggle without them, although she does live alone.

it’s always a mystery to me because it’s not how I would ever behave, I don’t have any family to rely on in that way and even if I did, I wouldn’t.

what is his phd in? Is there a reason why he doesn’t have a permanent full time job? Sounds to me like he has no motivation at all and is happy to leech off others.

I know what you mean. I would literally never! His PhD is in some kind of religious studies. I dont think he is going to use it for anything. He didn't work at all through unit so I think I he just kept studying so his parents would keep paying for everything.

Ask yourself, why does this bother you so much? You married his sibling, not him! We all know lazy guys at work, just unfortunate for you that you’re related by marriage to one of them.

It just bugs me that the rest of the siblings have worked incredibly hard through adversity and scrimped and saved for everything they have yet he still sees himself as "better" because he is educated. I love my parents in law and he takes the piss

 

[Raininvain]

Step right back, its not your problem any of this. Concentrate just on your toddler and partner and your own family. Also do not do any cleaning or DIY for them, its for their sons to step up here not you. Or they should pay for help.
There's probably things you dont know about like mental health issues/drug or alcohol issues or he might have a serious offense on his record which will stop him going for certain jobs. You just never really know the full story.

 

[judgejohndeed]

Problem being that mother in law will be very upset if I say anything. She doesn't seem to mind.

I think that’s your answer, to be honest. As close as you get to someone else’s family it’s not your place to say about their relationship and set up with their child to be honest, it could end very badly for you if she feels like you’re attacking her child. And you acknowledge she would be upset about it so maybe she likes this arrangement or doesn’t mind it, whatever it is it doesn’t sound worth upsetting her when she’s okay with it.

 

[Petulant_vlogger]

I think that’s your answer, to be honest. As close as you get to someone else’s family it’s not your place to say about their relationship and set up with their child to be honest, it could end very badly for you if she feels like you’re attacking her child. And you acknowledge she would be upset about it so maybe she likes this arrangement or doesn’t mind it, whatever it is it doesn’t sound worth upsetting her when she’s okay with it.

You're probably right. Thank you x

 

[CatCafe234]

You often find, in these sorts of situations, that there’s a lot going underneath it all and the dependency can work both ways. Some people like being looked after and some people like having someone to look after. There can be loads of reasons that this is happening and quite often, you have quite a few people needing professional help and support and even with that, things don’t always change. Unless someone’s specifically asking for your help then I’d steer clear, because you might find you end up in the middle of a situation where people are very resistant to anything actually changing. Be there for people and signpost them to the places they can get support if they ask, but don’t get involved.

 

[Petulant_vlogger]

You often find, in these sorts of situations, that there’s a lot going underneath it all and the dependency can work both ways. Some people like being looked after and some people like having someone to look after. There can be loads of reasons that this is happening and quite often, you have quite a few people needing professional help and support and even with that, things don’t always change. Unless someone’s specifically asking for your help then I’d steer clear, because you might find you end up in the middle of a situation where people are very resistant to anything actually changing. Be there for people and signpost them to the places they can get support if they ask, but don’t get involved.

The more I think about it the more I think, the reason he acts like a baby is because he is babied. Not the other way around. Thank you x

 

[Kim Mild]

I'm wondering if the parents are hoping he will look after them in their old age . Especially if the other siblings all have kids of their own.

 

[Petulant_vlogger]

I'm wondering if the parents are hoping he will look after them in their old age . Especially if the other siblings all have kids of their own.

It's a nice thought but doubtful. He literally cant do anything for himself. He wont fill or empty a dishwasher, peel potatoes to help with the family meal, do his own laundry, cut the grass etc That's one of the things that worries me. What are they going to do when they're older? They cant look after him forever. They're in their 60s now, will they still be looking after him in their 70s and 80s? I feel sure that a member of the family will step in at some point

 

[Base2019]

If your MIL is happy to accept his poor behaviour in her household, it unfortunately means that you have to accept it too. It doesn’t make it right I know. It is the good nature in you as a person that you see it is wrong and want to fix it.
My advice would be to try and let it go, your allowing him to take up this space in your head when really there’s nothing you can do about his behaviour and your MIL acceptance of it

 

[ClockworkDolly]

The more he is babied, the more he will relish in it. I am also guessing he perhaps has a fear/anxiety of actually living in the real world and taking responsibility, like the adult he should be.

PhD’s and degrees mean nothing if you’re not prepared to actually use them. Tell him that when he gets all high and mighty.

 

[120clemon]

Examples of how he is "high and mighty?" Actually it doesn't really matter because his opinions should matter little to you, especially if he's really leading such a small life. I think the inverse is true...they don't have to care about your judgment of the situation and you or even your husband may not know all the details to judge. Also even if it's just as it appears, parents sadly aren't obligated to treat their kids fairly. It seems like you have some resentment about how he seems to coast and take advantage of your in laws, which I sympathize with. However, don't let that sour your relationship with anyone else in the family. Weird stuff goes on in every family and might become normalized. I wouldn't say anything unless it's clear there's some sort of financial or emotional abuse or manipulation.

I imagine your MIL has thought about how this can't go on forever and maybe she is in denial about what will happen then. He might hunker down and turn things around or always just be a bit off.

 

[Petulant_vlogger]

Examples of how he is "high and mighty?" Actually it doesn't really matter because his opinions should matter little to you, especially if he's really leading such a small life. I think the inverse is true...they don't have to care about your judgment of the situation and you or even your husband may not know all the details to judge. Also even if it's just as it appears, parents sadly aren't obligated to treat their kids fairly. It seems like you have some resentment about how he seems to coast and take advantage of your in laws, which I sympathize with. However, don't let that sour your relationship with anyone else in the family. Weird stuff goes on in every family and might become normalized. I wouldn't say anything unless it's clear there's some sort of financial or emotional abuse or manipulation.

I imagine your MIL has thought about how this can't go on forever and maybe she is in denial about what will happen then. He might hunker down and turn things around or always just be a bit off.

An example would be him literally saying that his parents are the most proud of him out of all the kids because he has a PhD. No irony just straight thinks that is the case. Idk it's just that after the first lockdown I went to see them and the house and garden were out of control messy and their were things falling apart. I asked if everything was okay and they said that things were fine but because nobody had been round, they hadn't had any help. I confronted BIL gently and said "this cupboard door is falling off why haven't you sorted it" and he said "I dont use tools". My 7 year old can use a screwdriver? It's a real "failure to launch" with him. I just want to know how to help him so his life can start and my parents in law can enjoy their retirement when it begins