Break-up

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I almost don't know why I am writing this, suppose I just want to get it off my chest.

So, I was with my ex for over a year. In January he asked me to move in with him which I did. In my eyes, we had a great relationship, we loved loads of the same things and also had our own hobbies. In March, we both had a week off work, so we went to a concert, saw my Dad for lunch, went out for dinner just the two of us, saw his friends, caught up with his Mum and Dad etc. Basically had a lovely week together before we both went away on holiday (before COVID-19).

The following week, it was our anniversary so I cooked us a meal and we sat down to eat it. During the meal, he completely broke down and was crying saying he didn't feel happy within himself, and was struggling to get out of bed and things and didn't know what was going on in his head etc. To cut a long story short, it was a very emotional night and I left saying I would give him some space to think about things in his head.

On the Monday, I text him saying that I loved him and that I'm thinking about him and I'm ready to talk whenever he is. He replied saying he still just needs to process things in his head etc. On the Thursday, he changed his profile photo to just him on Facebook, after having it as the two of us for the last year. To cut a long story short, he ended up finishing with me by text. He basically said that he feels like we are two different people and that we have different outlooks on life.

Yesterday, my friend came across him on Tinder so she sent him a message without me knowing, basically saying she thinks it's very disrespectful that he's on Tinder 5 weeks later when my stuff isn't even moved out of his flat and that I haven't really had closure as such. He responded to her saying he doesn't understand how I haven't had closure, he has given me the reasonings for ending it. He said that 5 weeks on, he is confident he made the right decision because we aren't compatible.

What I am struggling with is the below:

1. If we weren't compatible, why would he ask me to move in?

2. If this is how he felt, why would we spend a lovely week together and he told me he loved me two days before he had a break down?

3. Surely you realise you aren't compatible after a few dates or months, not over a year?

4. Why didn't he try and talk to me about things as opposed to just sending me a text and being done with it basically?

It's been 5 weeks and I am really struggling to get my head around it all. It's come as a massive shock and I just feel like I don't understand how things can change overnight :(
 
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I'm so sorry for your break up.
I think from my own experience many males dont show their feelings.
They also move on very fast after break ups.
You need to give yourself time.
My ex was a domestic abuser and I basically ended the relationship in the feb and he was still trying to win me back in the July but was living with someone else in the september.

You need to realise you had a lucky escape if he can treat you like that.
Maybe write down how you feel if you are struggling. Can you talk to family or friends?
 
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I'm really sorry that you've been treated like that. One thing I hate about relationships is often you don't get closure from the other person. When you fall out with a friend or family member it's usually easier to get answers than an ex, and I can totally get why you'd feel confused.

In my personal view it seems like had something to hide because why did it go from moving you in to suddenly thinking you two weren't compatible after a year of being together and then being back on Tinder so quickly after breaking up with you. I know not much will console you right now, but you do deserve better than this. To just dump you over text like that without even texting a real explanation let alone calling/arranging to meet and telling you so that you can get closure is disrespectful and unfair of him because he knows why he called things off but for you, you've no clue what went wrong. It is selfish of him. Guys tend to move on very fast which could explain why he had a Tinder profile so quickly, but it's the way he acted and changed so quickly which would make me confused, too. I do hope at some point you get your closure even if he can't provide that. I wish you the best as it must be hard right now because obviously what with the lockdown and struggling to go out and socialise to forget him, but try anything possible to keep distracted such as facetiming your mates and watching films etc to stop you from thinking over it so much.
 
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Basically he isn’t a man he’s a boy still. How old is he?? Literally men do wake up and think they want something different sometimes because they are brain dead. But don’t waste your time being down about it. He isn’t worth the tears or the upset if I’m honest. Men don’t think or feel like we do they are pretty selfish. And like the above poster said they do move on pretty fast. Only one reason why he’s on tinder. To get his leg over. He won’t find his soul mate on there. He probably doesn’t believe in soul mates. To put it bluntly he’s using you’re not compatible as an excuse. A lazy excuse. He doesn’t sound like he’s worth it at all. You will find someone better and who appreciates you. These type of men are just rats. They don’t care about other people’s feelings. I hope you pick yourself up and feel better soon. I don’t believe men are worth our tears ❤
 
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I have no other advice to offer that you haven't already been given but didn't want to read and run. I hope you have some where safe to stay whilst in lock down xx
 
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Thank you all so much for your replies, they have made me feel a little better. He is 25, I'm 28, 29 this year. I'm not sure if he's maybe panicked and thought I'd be expecting a ring and things or what. I get that feelings change but I think I'm mostly let down by the way he has handled it and done it by text. It's cowardly!
 
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I’m sorry to hear you went through this!

When any relationship ends, it’s normal to go back over what happened and question what went wrong. Clearly he doesn’t respect you enough to end things face to face and if he wasn’t happy before this, he misled you.

Just keep reminding yourself that you deserve better than how he has treated you. I know you didn’t get closure but I didn’t with my ex, we ended things via text after 18m and after I realised what a horrible person he was, I didn’t feel the need to speak to him in person because he wasn’t worth it. You are worth a lot more than how he has treated you and there will be someone out there who will treat you the way you deserve.

in the mean time, block and delete him off everything. Kindly ask your friends not to update you of anything including seeing him on dating apps! You don’t need to know that. Cut all contact and focus on you. Hope you feel better soon!
 
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Thank you for the latest responses.

I blocked him on everything after it happened, so I don't have to see anything as it's too difficult. My friend went and collected all my things from him from the flat, as everything was still there and she said he showed no emotion at all. I suppose I just find it hard that someone can switch off their feelings so quickly and it's like you mean nothing to them :(

I know I deserve more than someone who does that to me over text, but I just keep thinking back to our relationship. He really was everything I ever wanted in a partner, and it hurts me that someone else is going to get that.
 
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Thank you for the latest responses.

I blocked him on everything after it happened, so I don't have to see anything as it's too difficult. My friend went and collected all my things from him from the flat, as everything was still there and she said he showed no emotion at all. I suppose I just find it hard that someone can switch off their feelings so quickly and it's like you mean nothing to them :(

I know I deserve more than someone who does that to me over text, but I just keep thinking back to our relationship. He really was everything I ever wanted in a partner, and it hurts me that someone else is going to get that.
How quickly he’s been able to move on just proves he wasn’t the person you thought he was. Maybe this will help you because how can you miss someone who wasn’t even the person you thought they were!
And what he’s done to you he’s capable of doing to his next partner so if anything you should feel sorry for whoever he goes out with next cause they will probably go through what you’re going through now!

it will get easier I promise
 
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Also from past experience, things aren't as quick as they would appear on the surface. Men (usually) keep feelings in and they will hav had these for weeks/months before spurting them all out. So to you it seems sudden. Men can really stuggle to express their feelings and in their head rather than talking about things they do it alone and make their mind up, so while it seems he's not bothered he's probably been adjusting and getting over you a long time before you had any idea which is why they can move on quicker.

I also think living together is hard, I remember the first 12 months of living with my husband... it was really hard adjusting to living and comprimising on things. Things were touch and go a few times but 10 years later things are good. We've had ups and downs and only now will he talk to me about how he feels and even then he can still bottle things up.

I know he seemed to be everything you wanted, but it has to be mutial. Take some time away, don't look at him on social media and remember if this is how he treated you then he's not worth your time!
 
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I am really sorry you had to go through this . Having had something similar happen to me i wanted to make a comment. Anyone that decides to dump you on text is nothing more than a sad spineless person. I had a relationship where this happened i was left with a text saying ' I have been unwell i can't do this you're the best girl i have met blah blah . The truth was if you thought you would not let person go . I spent months and months with no confidence and i had very little before that . I would dwell on what i did wrong ? Why was i not good enough for them ? The truth was i was way too good for them and so are you ! You have had lucky escape from that boy and wish you all the best you the future x
 
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I'm so sorry for your break-up and the way it happened. Especially doing it by text, only a cowardly scumbag would do that! Even that alone is a sign that you dodged a bullet.
I've found out some things about an ex recently that has made me feel like I'm going through the break up all over again and I totally empathise with obsessing about these questions you have for weeks on end. This combined with my OCD has made me go back to therapy and I've learned that it's better not to seek answers to these questions. It's better (though hard) to let them go. Be okay with no answers. And it's wrong to seek closure from the person that hurt you (I have had great trouble resisting the urge to do this).
But you can tough this one out girl, and this pain will pass for you.
And if he tries to come crawling back to you, DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK. Sending love to you ❤
 
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Thanks for all the replies. I'm actually feeling a bit better this week, a lot more positive and looking forward to the future rather than dwelling on him, so fingers crossed it continues.

Hope you are all okay ❤
 
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I have nothing to add advice wise, but sending much love and positive thoughts your way. You will get through this and meet someone who deserves you!!
 
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What an absolute prick. Sorry but I lost all respect for him when you said he’d joined tinder more or less straight away.
Forget his ass! Plenty more fish in the sea x
 
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I’m getting on well. Feeling a lot better about things now and starting to realise that I was maybe looking at our relationship through rose tinted glasses.
Good to hear!! If you need any further help don’t forget this thread is here to listen to you. ❤
 
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