Break up at 38 - Will i ever find happiness?

Bellaboo83

Chatty Member
My on off boyfriend and father of my children broke up with me last week. The relationship was toxic in that we hardly ever got on, our values were different, we had differing interests and incompatible ways of communicating but we were both clinging on after 10 years of the same drama hoping for a miracle I suppose.

I feel wretched now though. I miss him, or perhaps I'm just lonely, I don't know. I've got myself into a sad place where I'm the wrong side of 37 with two young children and I can't see how I will ever meet anyone decent who wants me and finally find that happily ever after I long for.

I guess I'm after seeing if anyone else feels like this or if anyone has a nice story about finding love at this age after feeling like this that will give me some hope that it might happen for me
 

Spider12

Well-known member
I’m so sorry to hear you are going through this. My mum had exactly the same situation as you and she left my horrible Dad when I was very young. She was happily single for years, I don’t even remember living with my Dad. She had a couple of boyfriends in this time but I didn’t meet them. Then when I was 10 she met her soul mate, my stepdad (she was 38!) and they have been happily married ever since (I am 34 now). I adore my stepdad. You will meet your one. Good for you for leaving something that doesn’t make you happy. Everyone deserves to be loved unconditionally 💗 there will be times you feel like breaking as loneliness is horrible but be strong, good things will come to you 🌟
 

Bellaboo83

Chatty Member
I’m so sorry to hear you are going through this. My mum had exactly the same situation as you and she left my horrible Dad when I was very young. She was happily single for years, I don’t even remember living with my Dad. She had a couple of boyfriends in this time but I didn’t meet them. Then when I was 10 she met her soul mate, my stepdad (she was 38!) and they have been happily married ever since (I am 34 now). I adore my stepdad. You will meet your one. Good for you for leaving something that doesn’t make you happy. Everyone deserves to be loved unconditionally 💗 there will be times you feel like breaking as loneliness is horrible but be strong, good things will come to you 🌟
Thank you so much for replying 💛
It was lovely to read, its a really nice story, thank you for sharing it with me. The loneliness is killing me and its only been a week haha 🙃. I am trying to keep in my mind the quote "this too shall pass" fingers crossed it does quick 😊
 

Its_Me

VIP Member
Oh babe wrong side of 37? Please don’t believe the lies you are telling yourself. And you still feel so lonely because it’s only been a week! Of course you feel lonely, give it time. Focus on healing yourself and getting yourself to a good place, not on looking for the right man. He will come and when he does you want to be free of all the emotional baggage so you can move on and start something new. Lots of love to you, keep your head up ❤
 

toffeejelly

Active member
Of course you will meet someone else, someone who you click with on every level. My mum found love again at 50, she is 60 next year and they are still together. Her partner has never been married and doesn’t have kids.

I agree with the above, it’s still so new and fresh and you’ve been with this person for 10 years. Take time to focus on yourself, your kids and enjoying life being single. It takes a bit of getting used to but it’s really good fun when you learn to appreciate the small things in life. The right person will come along when you least expect it :)
 
It’s been 5 years since I broke up with my ex and I’ve have those thoughts in my head all the time. One thing to remember is that a toxic relationship can be traumatic. It can also make you question who you are and your worth and whether or not you’ll be the same again/ find someone. The thing I try to remember is that these things don’t have a timeframe and your self worth isn’t based on other people. Use this time to heal and discover who you are and what makes you happy- love and a special someone will follow.
 
Being on the other side of a 5 year toxic relationship, I’m learning that the most important person to fall in love with is YOURSELF. As wanky as that sounds. Focus on yourself and your kids. Heal from all the shit you’ve been through.

I’m 40 with a nearly 3 year old and single. You know what though? I’m at peace and not on that bloody rollercoaster anymore (I am in a way as we share a child and he’s still a twat) but I feel in control. Take back your power and use it for good.

TBH, I think men ain’t shit. It’ll take a very special one for me to fall in love again but I’m ok with that.

❤❤❤❤❤❤ for you. You’ll thank yourself in the future for putting a stop to the merry go round you were on and 38 is NOTHING! xxx
 

Bellaboo83

Chatty Member
Thank you all for your kind words and replies. It is still very raw and my main emotion is the longing for closeness, which is silly because we were never close, but he was always there if you know what I mean, and now he's not.

Yes the toxic style of the relationship has definitely left its trauma, I haven't felt wanted or loved, not properly for years and I think my self esteem was hanging by a thread before and now he's gone all together the thread has been cut and its in free fall.

I also don't have anyone to talk to about it all, because we have been on and off for so long I feel like all my friends are fed up of 'another break up' so I've kept it to myself and not reached out for any support. So it has helped just getting it out there, thank you all so much ❤
 

Its_Me

VIP Member
People who are in long distance relationships and then break up go through the same feelings as you are and it’s totally valid to feel them. Feel free to DM if you’re ever lost and really need a chat 🤗
 

Instabums

VIP Member
Thank you all for your kind words and replies. It is still very raw and my main emotion is the longing for closeness, which is silly because we were never close, but he was always there if you know what I mean, and now he's not.

Yes the toxic style of the relationship has definitely left its trauma, I haven't felt wanted or loved, not properly for years and I think my self esteem was hanging by a thread before and now he's gone all together the thread has been cut and its in free fall.

I also don't have anyone to talk to about it all, because we have been on and off for so long I feel like all my friends are fed up of 'another break up' so I've kept it to myself and not reached out for any support. So it has helped just getting it out there, thank you all so much ❤
Your feelings are completely valid, I imagine your head is all over the place. It’s important to accept what you’re going through is normal and just let yourself feel, especially as you’ve probably bottled a lot up. You won’t be able to move on overnight as it was years of negative experience that got you to this. What that other poster said about learning to love yourself is so important - feeling hopeless about not finding love is no way to live, a relationship is supposed to enhance your life but that shouldn’t mean being single can’t be fulfilling. Allow yourself time to process, learn to feel whole without a partner, focus on you. In all likelihood you will find someone new but even on the small chance you don’t, you’ll at least be happier

I’m in a similar situation so if you want to chat, don’t hesitate to PM me
 
And though you may be in free fall, being at the bottom is a very good place to start. It’s YOUR story now. You’re the author of your life. Your self esteem doesn’t have to be linked to him anymore.

Also, don’t do what I did when I was weak and went back thinking it would be different (more than once). Stay resolute and see this as the time to step back from it all and just be. Working on yourself is so important. I can look at my ex now and think WTF did I see in him?!
One more thing (I feel like Columbo 😂) reach out to your friends for support. They might surprise you with their reaction.
 
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LemonPledge

Well-known member
Oh I'm so sorry you're going through this, it's wretched at any time, but I understand the feeling of being in your 30s when everyone else seems to be happily settled down. I went through similar and definitely worried I would never meet anyone again.

The only advice I can give is the cliche that age is just a number. When I was ready to date (about a year after my divorce) I found I had no problem matching with guys a couple of years younger than me. My boyfriend is 3 years younger but it really doesn't make any difference. But like others have said, don't rush back into the dating scene (not that you can at the moment anyway!). Use this time to focus on yourself and do things that you enjoy and make you happy, don't be defined by your relationship status.
 

Bellaboo83

Chatty Member
Your feelings are completely valid, I imagine your head is all over the place. It’s important to accept what you’re going through is normal and just let yourself feel, especially as you’ve probably bottled a lot up. You won’t be able to move on overnight as it was years of negative experience that got you to this. What that other poster said about learning to love yourself is so important - feeling hopeless about not finding love is no way to live, a relationship is supposed to enhance your life but that shouldn’t mean being single can’t be fulfilling. Allow yourself time to process, learn to feel whole without a partner, focus on you. In all likelihood you will find someone new but even on the small chance you don’t, you’ll at least be happier

I’m in a similar situation so if you want to chat, don’t hesitate to PM me
You put it very well, sometimes you get yourself into one train of thought and get tunnel vision and I think that's where I've ended up panicking about never meeting anyone again.

I've completely lost myself over the last 10 years, I don't know who I am anymore. Ive also picked up some bad coping mechanisms for when the inevitable and regular relationship lows hit. So I've probably got a lot of work to do with that and locating my dead self esteem 🙃

Thank you much, I hope you are coping well with your situation and if you ever want to chat feel free to PM me

And though you may be in free fall, being at the bottom is a very good place to start. It’s YOUR story now. You’re the author of your life. Your self esteem doesn’t have to be linked to him anymore.

Also, don’t do what I did when I was weak and went back thinking it would be different (more than once). Stay resolute and see this as the time to step back from it all and just be. Working on yourself is so important. I can look at my ex now and think WTF did I see in him?!
One more thing (I feel like Columbo 😂) reach out to your friends for support. They might surprise you with their reaction.

Ooooh gosh I've been back about 4274859 times in the last 10 years hoping it will be different. I wish I'd have had the courage and strength to get off the train years ago. In fact I need to remember I've just said that when I'm having a wobble

How long was it before you started to think 'wtf did I see in him'? When I've got my logical brain on I can definitely see how that might come, but then my emotional brain takes over and I worry I will always ache because of what could have been (if at some point during the 10 years we could have got on for longer than 2 weeks 🤣.... I know, I've just read that too 🙈)

Oh I'm so sorry you're going through this, it's wretched at any time, but I understand the feeling of being in your 30s when everyone else seems to be happily settled down. I went through similar and definitely worried I would never meet anyone again.

The only advice I can give is the cliche that age is just a number. When I was ready to date (about a year after my divorce) I found I had no problem matching with guys a couple of years younger than me. My boyfriend is 3 years younger but it really doesn't make any difference. But like others have said, don't rush back into the dating scene (not that you can at the moment anyway!). Use this time to focus on yourself and do things that you enjoy and make you happy, don't be defined by your relationship status.
Thank you so much for your reply and advice 💛
 
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Just echoing what others have said really....try not to focus on finding someone else for the moment. Work on yourself and aim to get to a point where your life feels content and fulfilled with everything you already have. Your next partner (and there will be one!) will arrive when you’re ready, I truly believe that
 

Bellaboo83

Chatty Member
Just echoing what others have said really....try not to focus on finding someone else for the moment. Work on yourself and aim to get to a point where your life feels content and fulfilled with everything you already have. Your next partner (and there will be one!) will arrive when you’re ready, I truly believe that
Thank you 💛
 

Annie101

Active member
I was 39 and single, went on a few dates with men that i met online. One date the guy got so drunk and was out of it, i had to pay the bill. Few others were actually just separated and not divorced - big no, no from me. So i got on with my life going out with 7 of my closest - what i called the - gay husband. We went for dinners and theater shows etc and i didnt look for a relationship anymore. One night we went to theater and stopped for drinks at a gay bar. Man walked up to me and said are you Annie? when i said yes, he said his brother was so in love with me in primary school. i didnt think much of it, just oh, tell him i say hi. A week later a knock on my door, (yes there is such a thing a gay mafia sharing information) and here the boy i last saw 28 years ago standing at my front door. He had no idea if i had kids etc. He flew down from another city just to come and see me.
We were in a long distance relationship from that day for 2 years. I ended up moving to him, lived together for 6 years and got married two years ago in Mauritius on the beach. He is the love of my life, even times i dont like him, i always love him. So maybe things happen when you are not looking for it. Stay positive, you deserve the best and never settle for less.
 

Bellaboo83

Chatty Member
I was 39 and single, went on a few dates with men that i met online. One date the guy got so drunk and was out of it, i had to pay the bill. Few others were actually just separated and not divorced - big no, no from me. So i got on with my life going out with 7 of my closest - what i called the - gay husband. We went for dinners and theater shows etc and i didnt look for a relationship anymore. One night we went to theater and stopped for drinks at a gay bar. Man walked up to me and said are you Annie? when i said yes, he said his brother was so in love with me in primary school. i didnt think much of it, just oh, tell him i say hi. A week later a knock on my door, (yes there is such a thing a gay mafia sharing information) and here the boy i last saw 28 years ago standing at my front door. He had no idea if i had kids etc. He flew down from another city just to come and see me.
We were in a long distance relationship from that day for 2 years. I ended up moving to him, lived together for 6 years and got married two years ago in Mauritius on the beach. He is the love of my life, even times i dont like him, i always love him. So maybe things happen when you are not looking for it. Stay positive, you deserve the best and never settle for less.
Thank you for sharing your story with me, that's so lovely 💛
 
How long was it before you started to think 'wtf did I see in him'? When I've got my logical brain on I can definitely see how that might come, but then my emotional brain takes over and I worry I will always ache because of what could have been (if at some point during the 10 years we could have got on for longer than 2 weeks 🤣.... I know, I've just read that too 🙈)
Thank you so much for your reply and advice 💛
I think it was when I ultimately started believing I deserved better than how he’s treated me (and I put up with a LOT). I think when you start detaching and removing yourself from him and you’re looking back at what was, you start to see it objectively. I mean would you advise a friend to stay in what you stayed in?

It’ll come but don’t rush the process, just take it a day at a time xxx ❤
 

Bellaboo83

Chatty Member
I think it was when I ultimately started believing I deserved better than how he’s treated me (and I put up with a LOT). I think when you start detaching and removing yourself from him and you’re looking back at what was, you start to see it objectively. I mean would you advise a friend to stay in what you stayed in?

It’ll come but don’t rush the process, just take it a day at a time xxx ❤
Thank you, that is really helpful, I'm not looking at it objectively at all yet. I can see I'm just focusing on being lonely and not the bigger picture. You're absolutely right to think about what I would advise a friend in the same circumstances I'm going to think about that this morning. Thank you again, it's so helpful to talk to people who have come out the other side of something that feels so 'end of the world' to me now 💛
 
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