Body confidence / relationship insecurities

[lisa94xo]

Realistically I know deep down that the only solution to this is to communicate with my partner, but it's just a really awkward subject... I've spoken about this issue with my best friend and she thinks I'm perhaps overthinking things.

Basically, I've been feeling really low about my body recently. I've been overweight for a few years now, and last year I put on even more weight due to snacking working from home / no walking from no commuting, etc. In the last week or so I've started to finally make an effort - getting an hour's walk a day in my lunch break; drinking 2L of water; eating my 5 a day; counting calories... Already I'm feeling the best I've felt in a long time.

I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years, living together for just over a year and a half. He tells me I'm beautiful a lot / gets annoyed when I say not nice things about myself - I know he loves me but I just feel so badly about myself I don't understand why he would find me attractive. I've noticed recently that the majority of people he follows on TikTok are young, very slim women - all suggestively posing and dancing, asking suggestive questions etc. A couple of them have 'your TikTok GF' in their bios and their content to me looks like it's aimed at single men - asking them questions like where they'd take them out on a date, what clothes they'd like to wear, etc... It makes me really uncomfortable. I don't mind porn, but for some reason this irks me - it just seems a lot more intimate. None of them look even remotely like me, either. It's just really awkward cos I know if it's making me feel this way I should talk to him about it (I've never seen him watch these videos; but we follow each other on TikTok so I assume he knows I can see who he's following?) but it's such a private, embarrassing subject...

I suppose I'm just looking for any opinions on why you think he's doing this, and if it's something I should be concerned about? Is it just typical guy behaviour and I'm reading too much into it as my self esteem and confidence is pretty low? For reference, I'm 26 and he's 30.

 

[TheWitchIsBack]

So whatever way you approach this - your feelings are valid. You deserve to feel secure in your relationship, and a lot of how you’re feeling sounds like it’s down to your own insecurities, however these are probably magnified and exacerbated by your boyfriends online behaviour.

I think first and foremost you should speak to your boyfriend about how you’re feeling and let him know that seeing this on tik tok is upsetting to you and you’re working hard to improve your self confidence however this is making it more difficult for you because you’re comparing yourself to these women.

I think it’s also important to remember that we all have shallow and lustful moments where we see particular men and women we find physically attractive and that’s ok - just because we find someone great to look at doesn’t mean we are compatible with that person. For instance the type of porn I watch is completely different to the type of man I’m married to - I love my husband deeply but am also able to find enjoyment in different types of people and body types through porn and that doesn’t diminish my love for any less and I have never cheated on him or had any desire to.

When you feel down on yourself it’s really easy to become overwhelmed with these feelings of not being good enough or not looking attractive enough but if your partner loves you he won’t care - the most attractive feature, and one I bet all these tik tokers will have in common - is confidence. Work on feeling better about yourself cause I guarantee you’re a bloody queen, you’re beautiful and you deserve the world - you’re just too worn down to realise it. I’m waffling on cause I’m tired but I hope you take comfort in what I’ve saidx

 

[lisa94xo]

So whatever way you approach this - your feelings are valid. You deserve to feel secure in your relationship, and a lot of how you’re feeling sounds like it’s down to your own insecurities, however these are probably magnified and exacerbated by your boyfriends online behaviour.

I think first and foremost you should speak to your boyfriend about how you’re feeling and let him know that seeing this on tik tok is upsetting to you and you’re working hard to improve your self confidence however this is making it more difficult for you because you’re comparing yourself to these women.

I think it’s also important to remember that we all have shallow and lustful moments where we see particular men and women we find physically attractive and that’s ok - just because we find someone great to look at doesn’t mean we are compatible with that person. For instance the type of porn I watch is completely different to the type of man I’m married to - I love my husband deeply but am also able to find enjoyment in different types of people and body types through porn and that doesn’t diminish my love for any less and I have never cheated on him or had any desire to.

When you feel down on yourself it’s really easy to become overwhelmed with these feelings of not being good enough or not looking attractive enough but if your partner loves you he won’t care - the most attractive feature, and one I bet all these tik tokers will have in common - is confidence. Work on feeling better about yourself cause I guarantee you’re a bloody queen, you’re beautiful and you deserve the world - you’re just too worn down to realise it. I’m waffling on cause I’m tired but I hope you take comfort in what I’ve saidx

Thank you so much for this - your post has really reassured me, I appreciate it so much! I do worry that sometimes my lack of confidence irritates him - he's made comments before about it upsetting him how I talk about myself so I've tried really hard to stop venting about it to him. Learning to love myself is a challenge, and I know I'm so lucky to have someone who loves me despite how I feel about myself (as the saying goes, how can you expect someone to love you if you don't love yourself...) It's a journey but I'm getting there, slowly but surely - this past week has shown me I can grow to be comfortable in my own skin in time, if I treat myself with kindness and dedicate time and effort to working on myself.

I think like you say the best thing to do is to talk to him about it - it's getting to me and it can't be resolved unless I open up to him.

Thank you again for taking the time to reply to me!

 

[Lulu Goss]

I know exactly how you’re feeling. Years ago when I was first with my boyfriend, and Instagram was first a thing, he used to follow loads of “insta model” types - massive boobs and bum, tiny waist, realllyyyy pretty, pictures all posed seductively with everything on show. I hated it, because it’s obviously not what I look like at all! It made me feel really conscious and insecure about the way I looked.

What you said about communication is true though. Tell him how you feel! You don’t have to make a huge thing of it, you can just mention you’ve noticed it and that you’re feeling a bit insecure - I guarantee he won’t have even considered it’s had that affect on you. I did the same with my boyfriend and he completely understood and we’ve not had the issue since (and that was 7 years ago!)

Glad to hear you’re feeling better already this week though

 

[lisa94xo]

I know exactly how you’re feeling. Years ago when I was first with my boyfriend, and Instagram was first a thing, he used to follow loads of “insta model” types - massive boobs and bum, tiny waist, realllyyyy pretty, pictures all posed seductively with everything on show. I hated it, because it’s obviously not what I look like at all! It made me feel really conscious and insecure about the way I looked.

What you said about communication is true though. Tell him how you feel! You don’t have to make a huge thing of it, you can just mention you’ve noticed it and that you’re feeling a bit insecure - I guarantee he won’t have even considered it’s had that affect on you. I did the same with my boyfriend and he completely understood and we’ve not had the issue since (and that was 7 years ago!)

Glad to hear you’re feeling better already this week though

Thank you for replying - it's reassuring to hear you've had a similar experience and I'm glad it all worked out OK! I think this just affirms that I need to just bite the bullet and talk to him.