Sorry for the long, messy post but my head is fried and I don't know who to talk to about this
So I've got a lot of life experience with autism. My brother was diagnosed when he was a toddler in the 90s and went to special needs schools so we had a lot of family friends through that network with autistic kids. We have also been convinced for years that my mum is autistic after many "really? Is that not normal? But I was like that as a child?" moments during my brother's diagnosis but she has never seen the point in getting an assessment as she doesn't want to take a place from a person in real need.
During a teenage mental breakdown I went from pillar to post in CBT sessions as they concluded I wasn't "depressed" as I apparently "had too much fight in me for a clinically depressed person" but I was also suicidal so I had an elaborate mix of CBT/anger management and counselling all bundled up into a "we don't know what is wrong with you but if this helps?"
Eventually I did feel better but only after moving country for university and basically adapting to my own little life (and a lot of uni partying).
I've since built a career and done really well for myself. I've got an amazing partner who is better than I could have wished for. We moved in together right before covid hit.
Since living with him and with covid and life generally changing in every way possible, I've found it harder to mask those worries that I had kept at bay with my little way of doing things. I used to have "ipod time" as a teenager where I listened to emo music at full blast on my ipod nano whilst pacing the upstairs landing in the dark. My family understood this completely and would simply flick the light on when it was time for tea or whatever. In times of extreme stress, I still go back to ipod time as an adult. It is my ultimate comfort blanket. My partner tries to understand but doesn't quite get this and other things I do to calm. When talking to other people, they don't tend to either.
There's lots of other little things like this that I could list off but overall, the only people who seem to understand these traits are my family (1 confirmed autistic person and 1 highly suspected) and one of my colleagues, who was diagnosed with autism and ADHD a few years back after a mental breakdown very like the one I had over a decade ago.
This in addition to many articles etc that I am relating too way too much are now causing me brain fog with the "am I? Aren't I?" Thoughts. I would love to get diagnosed and find out if I am or not. I don't really care either option it would find to be honest, I just want clarity to stop my brain twisting things.
Does anyone know of any private referrals that are actually assessments and not a glorified online quiz? Like my mum, I don't want to take the place of a kid like my brother was who really needs it but I am anxious.
Thank you if you got this far
So I've got a lot of life experience with autism. My brother was diagnosed when he was a toddler in the 90s and went to special needs schools so we had a lot of family friends through that network with autistic kids. We have also been convinced for years that my mum is autistic after many "really? Is that not normal? But I was like that as a child?" moments during my brother's diagnosis but she has never seen the point in getting an assessment as she doesn't want to take a place from a person in real need.
During a teenage mental breakdown I went from pillar to post in CBT sessions as they concluded I wasn't "depressed" as I apparently "had too much fight in me for a clinically depressed person" but I was also suicidal so I had an elaborate mix of CBT/anger management and counselling all bundled up into a "we don't know what is wrong with you but if this helps?"
Eventually I did feel better but only after moving country for university and basically adapting to my own little life (and a lot of uni partying).
I've since built a career and done really well for myself. I've got an amazing partner who is better than I could have wished for. We moved in together right before covid hit.
Since living with him and with covid and life generally changing in every way possible, I've found it harder to mask those worries that I had kept at bay with my little way of doing things. I used to have "ipod time" as a teenager where I listened to emo music at full blast on my ipod nano whilst pacing the upstairs landing in the dark. My family understood this completely and would simply flick the light on when it was time for tea or whatever. In times of extreme stress, I still go back to ipod time as an adult. It is my ultimate comfort blanket. My partner tries to understand but doesn't quite get this and other things I do to calm. When talking to other people, they don't tend to either.
There's lots of other little things like this that I could list off but overall, the only people who seem to understand these traits are my family (1 confirmed autistic person and 1 highly suspected) and one of my colleagues, who was diagnosed with autism and ADHD a few years back after a mental breakdown very like the one I had over a decade ago.
This in addition to many articles etc that I am relating too way too much are now causing me brain fog with the "am I? Aren't I?" Thoughts. I would love to get diagnosed and find out if I am or not. I don't really care either option it would find to be honest, I just want clarity to stop my brain twisting things.
Does anyone know of any private referrals that are actually assessments and not a glorified online quiz? Like my mum, I don't want to take the place of a kid like my brother was who really needs it but I am anxious.
Thank you if you got this far