Asking for permission to marry - sexist or naw?

[bunnyboo]

So I got into this debate with my boyfriend's sister the other night and I need opinions here lol. When her husband to be was going to propose to her, he approached her father first and asked. Her father approved, and that was settled. He was allowed to propose I guess?

She could clearly see me hesitating when she said that you have to ask the father first, it's tradition and just the "right way to do things".. and she took offence my hesitations!

In my mind it is quite clear that this is dated and sexist. Why should my father have any say in what I, a grown woman, do in my love life? Why are you asking a person totally unrelated to this marriage and not the person you want to marry? My father's opinion is completely irrelevant to whether or not we should get married. Are you gonna change your mind if he says no? I thought this was 21st century Ireland, not the medieval ages where they discuss my dowry.

Also side note: I actually asked my father about this and he said if a guy asked for permission to ask for my hand in marriage, he'd say "Well sure why are you asking me? It's not me you're marrying!!"

But yeah, I'm interested in hearing different thoughts on this.

 

[hrh89]

Yeah it’s super old fashioned tbh I didn’t think people still did that

 

[openbook1]

Yes, it is old fashioned and sexist. I told my husband to not dare do it. Lol.

 

[mcfeez]

I hate this tradition. Definitely grounded in sexism. I told my husband not to do it which he respected.

 

[Kim Mild]

It's old fashioned. Would she expect people not to marry if the father said no? Most people seem to cohabit out of marriage now anyway .

Unless they expect/ bride brides parents to pay for the wedding.

I suppose asking the father might be normal in some religions or cultures.

 

[MrsWolf]

My husband spoke to my dad before asking me... I’m not religious or anything like that but I do like the fact he asked and I think my dad appreciated it too.

My dad did turn round and say “a few beers does make a man do silly things” though my husband and dad do get on really well though so it wasn’t asking permission as such..

 

[Youre a wizard Harry]

Yeah agreed it’s outdated, it’s not my dads decision who I marry!
My husband didn’t ask my dad, nor did either of my brother in laws when they proposed to my sisters. My dad probably would have just looked awkward and said something along the lines of “well I don’t know, what do you think”

 

[Chandler Bing]

I made it clear to my husband that if he were to ask my dad before proposing, there would be no need to propose anymore since that would be the end of us. It's my decision and my decision alone whether I choose to marry someone or not. What's my dad got to do with it?

I also hate when brides walk down the aisle with their dads. It's not a transfer of property. No one owns you. Both are so unbelievably dated 'traditions'.

 

[Tui]

It’s not necessary but I think it’s also nice to speak to the parents first. My husband didn’t ask permission but rang my dad up to basically say - I’m just letting you know I’m going to propose. He specifically didn’t ask permission cos he was going to do it anyway

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

I don’t have a dad, well I do obviously, but he hasn’t wanted anything to do with me since I was 18 so good luck asking him.
I agree, I think it’s really old fashioned, it’s the couples decision and no one else should be involved.

 

[Heybooboo]

My husband asked both my mum and dad, more to let them know he was going to do it than ask for permission though. Doesn’t bother me, like a bit of tradition with some things

 

[SarcasticEllis]

My husband mentioned to my mum beforehand (my dads alive n we get on fine but she brought me up single handedly) but it wasn’t to ask as such.

Same with ‘giving me away’, my mum walked me down the aisle but I wanted her to.

I think it’s only certain brides that want to have that ‘my protector is handing me over’ feeling - for most others I think it’s just a nice bonding moment and a chance for the bride to have a bit of time with their parent on the day.

 

[Dogtanian]

I did do this, and asked the fathers permission (traditional family, thought I better had). The problem was that the proposal was supposed to be a secret, but my 'lovely' mother in law decided that she had to be the centre of attention and dropped lots of not so subtle hints about when and where I was going to propose to spoil the occasion.
If I'd have known then what I know now, I would never have asked them first.

 

[SunshineDreamer]

My husband approached my dad before he asked me. My dad told him the only persons permission he needed was mine but that he had his blessing. I don’t think my dad would have cared if he wasn’t asked but I’m still amazed to this day that he managed to keep it a secret until my husband ask me.

 

[Yayitsavaliable]

My partner didn’t get permission to marry me because he knows I hate that sort of stuff. My step dad wasn’t offended either. When we can get married (thanks COVID) my step dad will be walking me down half the aisle and I will walk to my partner on my own - I’m not getting handed over like a piece of meat.

 

[dressagediva]

Awful sexist rubbish IMO.
If you're into that though, fair enough - you do you.

 

[whats the tea christine?]

my husband told my mum and dad who are separated he was planning to propose as he was doing it whilst we were away on holiday but didnt ask their permission

 

[Curly]

My partner asked my Dad and this was one thing I made clear to him I believed in.
To me it wasn’t so much as asking permission but more just respect.
I get that others don’t think this is important or think it’s outdated but we’re all unique and have our own opinions so I’m glad he did ask

 

[birdiefly246]

I argue with my friends about this all the time and they always come back to "well it's respectful"

Respectful to whom? Cause it's not respectful to me as a woman. I think letting the family know you're going to his fine but asking permission absolutely not. I really would have to dump someone if they did this, I find it so disrespectful.

 

[Scorpihoe]

I’m not married, but my partner and I have discussed this, his family are quite traditional, but we are both really westernised. We’ve agreed when the time comes, he will tell my parents (not ask) that he is going to propose.

My dad is awful at keeping secrets though, he’s like a giddy child my partner will have to make sure I’m not seeing my dad on that day lol