So basically I’ve this friend I’ve known from school years ago. Once we left school we kind of drifted apart after, didn’t fall out just kind of lost touch and life got in the way and then we got back in touch a few years ago as we’d bumped into each other a few times and we rekindled our friendship again just over 3 years ago. Anyway basically she has a lot going on she’s not working currently and hasn’t done for well over a year now she made the decision to leave her job but before that she was constantly in and out of jobs or complaining about hating her job. Over the last year or so I’ve noticed she’s just always complaining about something how she’s no job, no boyfriend, complaining about her parents who just want to spend time with her but then complains about living on her own, nobody bothers with her and I’ve tried so many times to help her or encourage her but a few days later she’s back going on about the same thing again it’s just like a vicious cycle and I try to help her as much as I can but I’m just finding it so draining and feel like I’m just repeating myself constantly to the point I just get annoyed at her and sometimes I can’t even talk to her for a few days. She’s always bringing up covid and the lockdown too and tbh I don’t want to talk about that all the time. Everyone is finding it difficult atm and I try to be there for her but I’m just finding her really overwhelming to the point I have to take a step back for a few days to kind of mentally refresh myself. I don’t want to just ditch her or end the friendship as she genuinely is a nice girl but I don’t know if I should maybe just reduce contact or whatnot. I’m currently pregnant and due in about 8 weeks time so I’ve enough on my own plate atm and just find myself getting really agitated by her. Just wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation or has any advice?
New to Tattle Life? Click "Order Thread by Most Liked Posts" button below to get an idea of what the site is about:
I had someone similar in my life like that aswell, in the end I just ended up ignoring phone calls for afew days to give myself a break!
Doesn’t mean your a bad person or don’t want the friendship but sometimes you just need that break! And esp being heavily pregnant!
Could you switch the convo to something else or would she return it back to lockdown etc?
If it gets to the point in the phone call you’ve had enough you can just say I’m going to have to go I’ve got stuff to do.
Don’t let yourself get down about other peoples negativity, they can get stuck in a rut about being negative!
Negativity I find rubs off on me quite hard and it affects my mood afterwards so I now get myself out the black hole quicker than I was in
Hope this makes sense and just be honest!
Doesn’t mean your a bad person or don’t want the friendship but sometimes you just need that break! And esp being heavily pregnant!
Could you switch the convo to something else or would she return it back to lockdown etc?
If it gets to the point in the phone call you’ve had enough you can just say I’m going to have to go I’ve got stuff to do.
Don’t let yourself get down about other peoples negativity, they can get stuck in a rut about being negative!
Negativity I find rubs off on me quite hard and it affects my mood afterwards so I now get myself out the black hole quicker than I was in
Hope this makes sense and just be honest!
Ive just started not speaking to her as much but she messaged me on Friday evening saying how no one bothers with her and this person is doing this and this person is doing that and so on and then brought up the lockdown thing and I was a bit blunt with her and just replied saying everybody is finding things tough atm and we just have to have keep going and hope things will be better soon and she never replied so I haven’t spoke to her since Friday night. I’ve just basically been saying something along those lines if she brings it up and she kind of drops it. I can get into a negative mindset really easily as well but more so if I’m round people that are constantly like that so I have to end up distancing myself from them usually.I had someone similar in my life like that aswell, in the end I just ended up ignoring phone calls for afew days to give myself a break!
Doesn’t mean your a bad person or don’t want the friendship but sometimes you just need that break! And esp being heavily pregnant!
Could you switch the convo to something else or would she return it back to lockdown etc?
If it gets to the point in the phone call you’ve had enough you can just say I’m going to have to go I’ve got stuff to do.
Don’t let yourself get down about other peoples negativity, they can get stuck in a rut about being negative!
Negativity I find rubs off on me quite hard and it affects my mood afterwards so I now get myself out the black hole quicker than I was in
Hope this makes sense and just be honest!
Does she have any other friends or anyone else in her life, aside from her parents?
I feel like maybe because she’s got no one else to vent to, she ends up spilling it all out on you whenever you talk. I think when you’ve got a partner, you’ve usually got someone to vent most of your worries to at the end of the day so that they don’t build up, but when you’re single you don’t have that. Not saying that makes it right obviously, it’s just something I’ve observed before.
I think the major problem here is, she has nothing else to focus on, so she just wallows in self pity and it becomes a viscous cycle sadly as there are no distractions.
i would say that whenever she moans, don’t try and compare and don’t try to make the situation better by saying, “everyone feels the same” or “ I know how you feel”, just listen to what she has to say and say things like, “that sounds really difficult” and “sorry that you’re going through that”. If you do that, she is more likely to feel listened to and less likely to feel like she needs to make the same point over and over (if that makes sense). Just let her vent and get it all out, but don’t get too emotionally invested in it, just let her get out everything that she needs to. You’re right, everyone is finding it tough, but some people are finding it tougher than others and its easier I think just to empathise with the person.
It is hard, I get that. My mum has depression and she is always very negative and it is draining so I do get what you’re saying. And obviously it must be tough with you being pregnant too.
I feel like maybe because she’s got no one else to vent to, she ends up spilling it all out on you whenever you talk. I think when you’ve got a partner, you’ve usually got someone to vent most of your worries to at the end of the day so that they don’t build up, but when you’re single you don’t have that. Not saying that makes it right obviously, it’s just something I’ve observed before.
I think the major problem here is, she has nothing else to focus on, so she just wallows in self pity and it becomes a viscous cycle sadly as there are no distractions.
i would say that whenever she moans, don’t try and compare and don’t try to make the situation better by saying, “everyone feels the same” or “ I know how you feel”, just listen to what she has to say and say things like, “that sounds really difficult” and “sorry that you’re going through that”. If you do that, she is more likely to feel listened to and less likely to feel like she needs to make the same point over and over (if that makes sense). Just let her vent and get it all out, but don’t get too emotionally invested in it, just let her get out everything that she needs to. You’re right, everyone is finding it tough, but some people are finding it tougher than others and its easier I think just to empathise with the person.
It is hard, I get that. My mum has depression and she is always very negative and it is draining so I do get what you’re saying. And obviously it must be tough with you being pregnant too.
This is one of the reasons i don't wanna "vent" with my friend. My life is in shambles since September 2020 and she knows my family and i are going through something but knows no details. I had more bad news today but I'm stopping myself from sharing them as i already feel miserable.
For example in my case, as a potentially draining friend, if i end up sharing with someone i am not expecting them to change my life or solve my problems. Just listen.
Idk your friend, she might be a horrible person or just going through a lot. If u could just listen, or pretend to listen would it still be draining? You already have a lot on your plate but is it possible to not take it to heart and just let her vent?
Obviously idk you or your friend so apologies if my judgement is flawed.
For example in my case, as a potentially draining friend, if i end up sharing with someone i am not expecting them to change my life or solve my problems. Just listen.
Idk your friend, she might be a horrible person or just going through a lot. If u could just listen, or pretend to listen would it still be draining? You already have a lot on your plate but is it possible to not take it to heart and just let her vent?
Obviously idk you or your friend so apologies if my judgement is flawed.
I also used this tactic on a friend I made in recent years. We are not close, but as I was the only person that had been nice to her for years, she latched herself onto me and there for a pest. She is notoriously disliked in the town I live in. But me not being from here, took her at face value as she had done me no wrong. I had staunch warnings from my current partner, my ex and a few mild associates up here that she has a wild and not very nice reputation and I shouldn't be involved with her for my own good. Oh I wish I'd listened! But I stuck to my own morals and it was a massive mistake made. I've literally seen people physically squirm at the mention of her name since too.
In the few years I have been friendly with this particular woman, she has involved me in more online spats I can count. Every other day I would wake up to notifications where she had tagged me in online spats of hers. Very often I would open them to find a load of angry, local people I didn't know from Adam picking holes in what they could find in my photos about me, my home, my children and so forth, for no reason other than I was left tagged by her expecting me to back her up in the previous nights spat - it was all very childish, she is a woman in her mid 30s. She is an ex jail bird, drinks heavily and will often self harm under the influence. Big gaping wounds that require ambulance assistance and stitching up. She doesn't want to die. It is whenever a certain man she has been pursuing for years blows cold with her. The first few times I bore witness to it I was very shocked, frantically ringing her family who were then annoyingly nonchalant about it, but I fully understand now. She's been known to ring me in the middle of the night. She often makes malicious phone calls to children's services, RSPCA, the council and so forth when she takes dislikings to people or blacklists their addresses from takeaway companies by ordering them en masse - so I have always felt a little uneasy about falling out with her since knowing for myself what she does when someone finds themselves in her bad books. But I had to distance myself by pretending I was busy working on me and of social media. I was relieved when she messaged my boyfriend and said she will not be bothering with me anymore because I'm ignorant and so on, with an ever so lovely closure with an offer for him that her door is open anytime with a wink face emoji. It has felt like a massive weight has been lifted. I no longer had anxiety to waking up to see my name dragged through her night time spats. I no longer look over my shoulder as she has an awful stigma attached to her. I feel free I don't have to see her crap tbh.
In the few years I have been friendly with this particular woman, she has involved me in more online spats I can count. Every other day I would wake up to notifications where she had tagged me in online spats of hers. Very often I would open them to find a load of angry, local people I didn't know from Adam picking holes in what they could find in my photos about me, my home, my children and so forth, for no reason other than I was left tagged by her expecting me to back her up in the previous nights spat - it was all very childish, she is a woman in her mid 30s. She is an ex jail bird, drinks heavily and will often self harm under the influence. Big gaping wounds that require ambulance assistance and stitching up. She doesn't want to die. It is whenever a certain man she has been pursuing for years blows cold with her. The first few times I bore witness to it I was very shocked, frantically ringing her family who were then annoyingly nonchalant about it, but I fully understand now. She's been known to ring me in the middle of the night. She often makes malicious phone calls to children's services, RSPCA, the council and so forth when she takes dislikings to people or blacklists their addresses from takeaway companies by ordering them en masse - so I have always felt a little uneasy about falling out with her since knowing for myself what she does when someone finds themselves in her bad books. But I had to distance myself by pretending I was busy working on me and of social media. I was relieved when she messaged my boyfriend and said she will not be bothering with me anymore because I'm ignorant and so on, with an ever so lovely closure with an offer for him that her door is open anytime with a wink face emoji. It has felt like a massive weight has been lifted. I no longer had anxiety to waking up to see my name dragged through her night time spats. I no longer look over my shoulder as she has an awful stigma attached to her. I feel free I don't have to see her crap tbh.
If you still want to be friends with her just tell her she needs to be more positive/light as you find it very difficult to listen to constant moaning/problems however you want to word it. Or suggest that she contacts the G.P and asks for counselling. It sounds like she has depression if she is as bad as all that. I'd say I didn't mind listening for a bit but not all day/night etc as its too much.
I've had this with a few people and I've had severe problems as well and been ditched, so I can see it from both sides. I had one friend who wouldn't stop talking about her job. On a night out it would be the same topic all evening into the early hours. No matter how many time I changed the subject, it was brought straight back to her job. I started looking away because I couldn't cope with it and she fell out with me it was a total relief.
If your having a baby you wont have as much time for her anyway so maybe things will drift naturally. Also if you continue to see her, do an activity instead of just chatting then you can talk about that, not her issues.
I've had this with a few people and I've had severe problems as well and been ditched, so I can see it from both sides. I had one friend who wouldn't stop talking about her job. On a night out it would be the same topic all evening into the early hours. No matter how many time I changed the subject, it was brought straight back to her job. I started looking away because I couldn't cope with it and she fell out with me it was a total relief.
If your having a baby you wont have as much time for her anyway so maybe things will drift naturally. Also if you continue to see her, do an activity instead of just chatting then you can talk about that, not her issues.
She has a couple of other friends but I’d say I’m probably the one she chats to the most. I agree I honestly do think that’s whats wrong as well she has nothing to distract herself or take her mind of other things. I’ve tried to suggest things to her. I don’t live near her and I don’t drive but the times we haven’t been in lockdown I’ve suggested to take her out for a coffee or even just for a walk. I just feel like I’ve tried to suggest numerous things that would maybe help her like things I know she enjoys doing and everything is just met with negativity and I just don’t know what to say to her anymore. I’m probably not the best person for her to talk to about these things if I’m being completely honest as my circumstances are completely different to hers and I will say I maybe just don’t understand but I will try that approach and see if it makes any difference thank you
I completely understand people need to vent now and again when things are hard or their going through something. I don’t expect her to be positive and happy constantly I just feel at this point I’ve gave her all the advice I can and I don’t know what else to say or do? I feel like it’s the same stuff comes up again and again I’ve suggested various things and everything is just met with constant negativity, it’s just like you can’t have a conversation with her without it turning into something negative. I will say I don’t think I’m the right person for her to talk about these things with as my circumstances are completely different to hers and I maybe just don’t understand. When we meet up person to person she wouldnt really bring these things up tbh it only seems to be over message it’s a constant everyday thing and it’s kind of like I don’t even wanna open her messages cause I know what it’s gonna be about but don’t want to be rude and ignore her. She’s by no means a horrible person or friend I just don’t really know what to do as her mood has really started to rub off on me
I don’t mind listening and giving advice but when it’s the same thing every day or the week it just gets a bit much and anything suggested is just met with negativity it’s almost as if she doesn’t want to do anything to help herself. She’s spoke to me about counselling and I told her I thought it would be a good idea but she said she’s been before and it never helped but I don’t think shes ever really given it a chance or met the right person she keeps going back and forth about it. When we are out together she doesn’t really talk about it tbh it only seems to be over messages etc so I dunno if it’s cause she’s on her own and it brings all these things up for her
Last edited:
Could you turn it back on her and say what do you think you should do about X? or What have you done this morning/yesterday/ whatever thats been interesting/funny/good for your health etc.
Personally I'd just send her a short message at some point and get on with your day. You dont have to keep responding.
Personally I'd just send her a short message at some point and get on with your day. You dont have to keep responding.
You sound like a shite friend anyways. Just don't talk to her let her find better friends 
Yes!! I have a friend like this. Long story short I live abroad and so because of Covid I haven’t seen my family in over a year now. She will constantly text and moan at me that she has to see her mum with a face mask on or in the garden where it’s cold. The last time she text me I snapped and said surely that’s better than what I have. She’s an energy suck and we can easily see each other for 2/3 hours a time and she won’t ask me one thing about any aspect of her life, it’s always about her. It’s difficult because our husbands are best friends but I purposely don’t tell her anything about my life and if my husband says something to her husband or eventually gets back to her and THEN I’ll get a text like “oh you didn’t tell me this that and the other”, honestly lockdown has been a godsend because I don’t have to listen to her moan about every aspect of her life.
I had a friend just like this. I just stopped answering her calls once the baby was born. Sounds harsh but I couldn’t deal with her constant inability to deal with anything life threw at her. She couldn’t cope with anything. The relationship was totally one way. In the end she was a burden to me. Once my baby was born she promised to visit and never did. The last straw was her albeit jokingly, telling my tiny baby to shut up over the phone.
Genuinely never answered another call from her again. I am less burdened with her nonsense and while I do think about her often because we were really close at one time, drifting apart is a part of life sometimes.
I feel your pain.
I have a friend like this.
I am more than happy to share the ups and downs of life with my friends. I am always there to listen and I’ve had friends help me through hard times and I’ve done the same for them without blinking an eye. And of course we are all dealing with the pandemic in a variety of ways, there have been periods where we all want to talk about it and periods where we need less of it.
There is a real balance there and with most of my friends it just slots into place, we get the limits of the other person.
The friend I have the issue honestly must text me or message me on Instagram 50+ times a day and every message is negative and mostly of little consequence and really just finding negativity in the most run of the mill stuff or the same stuff over and over again.
I feel like I’m drowning in her negativity. I have some very serious MH issues and work very, very hard to keep myself even - I can deal with negativity, I can help friends who are in bad places in their lives but I can’t cope with people who are only negative and use me as a dump for their tit. This specific friend spent an hour and a half texting me about the parking issue outside her house whilst I just heard that both my aunt and uncle had been admitted to hospital with covid. She is exhausting.
So this weekend I muted her stories on Instagram (because of course they are only ever negative too), muted any group WhatsApp chat she is in with me and I am thinking about turning off all WhatsApp notifications for everyone, just to get a break.
You are so close to giving birth and what with 3rd trimester and just existing during a pandemic, you must be ready to slow down somewhat and relax. Don’t feel the need to explain anything to her but if she asks tell her you hadn’t noticed you weren’t talking as much but it must be your natural way of slowing down to get into a positive mindset/nesting in preparation for your new arrival.
I have a friend like this.
I am more than happy to share the ups and downs of life with my friends. I am always there to listen and I’ve had friends help me through hard times and I’ve done the same for them without blinking an eye. And of course we are all dealing with the pandemic in a variety of ways, there have been periods where we all want to talk about it and periods where we need less of it.
There is a real balance there and with most of my friends it just slots into place, we get the limits of the other person.
The friend I have the issue honestly must text me or message me on Instagram 50+ times a day and every message is negative and mostly of little consequence and really just finding negativity in the most run of the mill stuff or the same stuff over and over again.
I feel like I’m drowning in her negativity. I have some very serious MH issues and work very, very hard to keep myself even - I can deal with negativity, I can help friends who are in bad places in their lives but I can’t cope with people who are only negative and use me as a dump for their tit. This specific friend spent an hour and a half texting me about the parking issue outside her house whilst I just heard that both my aunt and uncle had been admitted to hospital with covid. She is exhausting.
So this weekend I muted her stories on Instagram (because of course they are only ever negative too), muted any group WhatsApp chat she is in with me and I am thinking about turning off all WhatsApp notifications for everyone, just to get a break.
You are so close to giving birth and what with 3rd trimester and just existing during a pandemic, you must be ready to slow down somewhat and relax. Don’t feel the need to explain anything to her but if she asks tell her you hadn’t noticed you weren’t talking as much but it must be your natural way of slowing down to get into a positive mindset/nesting in preparation for your new arrival.
I think it is hard if you’re not a naturally empathetic person. My MIL is the same, because her life is great and she’s always super positive, she can’t understand why others wouldn’t feel the same and she gets annoyed when her windowed friend vents to her.
maybe just read up on empathy, watch some YouTube clips to try and understand how to see things from others view point? I think the key thing here is, understanding why the other person might be feeling the way they do and trying to picture if you were in that position. Everyone is different and we’ve all had different life experiences and so what might seem as a ridiculous reaction to you, won’t seem that way to her.
But equally the OP might well be empathetic but she also says she finds the constant cycle of the same conversation draining. This doesn’t mean she doesn’t have empathy or that she doesn’t care, it is evident she must care if she has continued to try and help.
We all have limits where people in our lives start to negatively impact us and it is right and well adjusted that the OP recognises her friendsconstantly mentioning specific things is overwhelming for her.
My life isn’t always great like (for example) your MIL and I’m happy to listen, help and empathise but there comes a limit where helping and listening starts to hurt you and you have to prioritise yourself if helping is negatively impacting you, especially when heavily pregnant. Just because you have a limit to the amount of complaints you can hear doesn’t mean you only want positive or are unable to empathise.
Whereas you sound bleeping lovely ehYou sound like a shite friend anyways. Just don't talk to her let her find better friends
.It was more just that the OP said she’s not the best person to talk to as her circumstances are different and that when the friend says about life being tough she just replies with, “it is for everyone”.
I get that it’s draining and people have limits, I’m a carer for my mum who has depression and she constantly tests my limits by being negative all the time, but because it’s my mum I just have to take a deep breath and listen to her as there’s not much else I can do. If I brush off her worries then she will feel not listened to and she will repeat the same points over and over. That’s why I suggested the OP research empathy as it might give her some tips of how to deal with it when she does reach her limits and ways that she can break this cycle.
as for my MIL, I think you misunderstood what I said...her life IS amazing and she doesn’t have a sympathetic bone in her body, let alone an empathetic one, it isn’t about reaching limits with her, she’s just shut off totally to other people’s feelings. She couldn’t even let her own Nan have a bit of sympathy or empathy when she was ill and would brush off her concerns and worries too and she would even tell people her Nan was just attention seeking...
I try to understood why my MIL is that way, but she even stretches my empathetic limits.
Blimey with “friends” like this who needs enemy’s
Distance yourself. I have a friend like that but she drains me. She never used to be like this. Everything is a problem, she is negative about everything. Cant see how fortunate she is. I have tired to encourage her to see the positives in her life but then she ignores me for days because I haven't agreed with her on her latest rant.
I see no benefit to keeping people like this in your life.
I see no benefit to keeping people like this in your life.