Anxiety over tidy home

[Northern northener]

As a result of being raised in a very messy chaotic home I have a lot of anxiety and shame issues around keeping everything tidy. I have two adult children and really worked hard on relaxing about this as they were growing up, to the point where a little bit of mess stopped bothering me so much.

However now they are grown it seems to have come back to the point of making me ill. I get very anxious when I visit extremely clean tidy homes as I need to get back and clean my own. Yet if I visit a messy home I get triggered by my childhood issues and need to leave. I don't judge anyone but myself if that makes sense. I don't know what normal looks like. I get caught in a loop of cleaning clean things then feeling I am annoying people I live with...so allow normal messiness then feel shame and anxiety. And so on and so on.

I get very triggered by cleaning articles and Mrs hinch type things so I have to avoid that.

Can anyone else relate to this as it's really getting on top of me?

 

[BettyCrockerr]

As a result of being raised in a very messy chaotic home I have a lot of anxiety and shame issues around keeping everything tidy. I have two adult children and really worked hard on relaxing about this as they were growing up, to the point where a little bit of mess stopped bothering me so much.

However now they are grown it seems to have come back to the point of making me ill. I get very anxious when I visit extremely clean tidy homes as I need to get back and clean my own. Yet if I visit a messy home I get triggered by my childhood issues and need to leave. I don't judge anyone but myself if that makes sense. I don't know what normal looks like. I get caught in a loop of cleaning clean things then feeling I am annoying people I live with...so allow normal messiness then feel shame and anxiety. And so on and so on.

I get very triggered by cleaning articles and Mrs hinch type things so I have to avoid that.

Can anyone else relate to this as it's really getting on top of me?

You need help from a professional to help you unpack this and start working through it. Have you ever explored therapy?

 

[Northern northener]

You need help from a professional to help you unpack this and start working through it. Have you ever explored therapy?

Thanks. Yes I have had therapy and mentioned it alongside other childhood issues I had. It was helpful but I gave up after six sessions for financial reasons and I was generally feeling better about things.

 

[WilmaHun]

I don't think I can relate to quite the extent you describe, but I definitely get feelings of anxiety if my house is untidy. If something is out of place, I'll feel compelled to move it. I can't relax until I know things are done. For example, last week I was really quite poorly and felt awful but was unable to relax and chill out until I had scrubbed my oven If I see some dust somewhere or a tiny bit of debris on the floor it will play on my mind until I have wiped it up/hoovered it up etc.

My bf is always telling me I need to allow the house to get a bit messy, a bit like exposure therapy, in order to tackle the feelings of anxiety around mess. I guess he thinks if I let it get messy and my anxiety isn't that bad in future I'll realise I can relax/chill out a bit without worrying that something might be on the table that shouldn't be there
Idk I don't really talk about it as I worry people will think I've gone mad, but it's nice to know there's others out there who feel anxiety over having a clean tidy home.

 

[JoeBloggs]

I don't think I can relate to quite the extent you describe, but I definitely get feelings of anxiety if my house is untidy. If something is out of place, I'll feel compelled to move it. I can't relax until I know things are done. For example, last week I was really quite poorly and felt awful but was unable to relax and chill out until I had scrubbed my oven If I see some dust somewhere or a tiny bit of debris on the floor it will play on my mind until I have wiped it up/hoovered it up etc.

My bf is always telling me I need to allow the house to get a bit messy, a bit like exposure therapy, in order to tackle the feelings of anxiety around mess. I guess he thinks if I let it get messy and my anxiety isn't that bad in future I'll realise I can relax/chill out a bit without worrying that something might be on the table that shouldn't be there
Idk I don't really talk about it as I worry people will think I've gone mad, but it's nice to know there's others out there who feel anxiety over having a clean tidy home.

I feel the same as Wilma. Things have to be just so before I can relax, things got worse post covid as I had so much time on my hands. I take a week off work once a year to completely clean my house and I love it. My husband says I need to relax but I also grew up in a chaotic and slightly dirty home so for my it is a big issue. I get married in September and people are coming to our house and I have the six weeks before the wedding planted to clean everything, even parts they won't see. For me it is not an issue, but if you are finding it an issue in your life could you refer yourself for some CBT via the NHS?

 

[BelleAmie]

I completely understand how you feel. My friends joke about me being a ‘Monica’ but they don’t realise that I don’t do this for fun, but because I can’t relax if the house isn’t tidy and clean - even then there’s no guarantee I’ll feel better.
I find Instagram and the ‘insta-perfect homes’ to be really triggering so I try to avoid that where possible. I don’t have any helpful tips unfortunately as it’s something I struggle with myself, but you’re definitely not alone and I appreciate how difficult it can be to live with those feelings

 

[Codiaeum]

I don't completely share your experience, but I do understand the feeling of wanting "out" if a place isn't tidy and clean enough for my liking (and I definitely have come from such places and then started cleaning my clean home to work it off).
Therapy, if available to you, would be a good idea to start again.
Can you leave the cleaning of your home to someone else, so that you wouldn't need to do it for a while until you feel you're at a better level with it again? It's tough not doing something that is a basic chore everyone does, to an extent, daily, but maybe it would help "calibrate" you to how other people you live with would go about cleaning and how often they would do it?

 

[Northern northener]

It's more shame based than a fear of germs. I feel afraid of judgement even imaginary judgement. My brother has OCD which is slightly different to me, my sister lives in a complete mess and is very comfortable with it. I look at a plate and mug left on the kitchen table and feel disgust at myself. It come and goes.

 

[JoeBloggs]

It's more shame based than a fear of germs. I feel afraid of judgement even imaginary judgement. My brother has OCD which is slightly different to me, my sister lives in a complete mess and is very comfortable with it. I look at a plate and mug left on the kitchen table and feel disgust at myself. It come and goes.

I do think some CBT will do you some good. I clean for myself, not because I worry about other people.

 

[WilmaHun]

It's more shame based than a fear of germs. I feel afraid of judgement even imaginary judgement. My brother has OCD which is slightly different to me, my sister lives in a complete mess and is very comfortable with it. I look at a plate and mug left on the kitchen table and feel disgust at myself. It come and goes.

I am exactly the same. I have a constant fear of someone turning up unannounced (my partners family have a habit of doing so!) and there being something out of place, or something dirty. It's the fear of judgement for me rather than the fear of having a bit of mess. In reality, nobody is going to care if there's a coffee ring on a coaster where a mug has been, and nobody is also going to care if my washing basket is visible and full, but in my mind they'll be walking in my house thinking I'm a lazy slob!

 

[lurkingaround123]

I relate so much with the feelings of shame! I intend to go home from work and clean my entire house from top to bottom, as I have my bf and mum coming over the weekend. Both of these people 1) do not care 2) live in much messier houses than I do 3) wouldn't notice whether I did or didn't but if I don't I will know I haven't and that's bad. I will feel better for it when I am sat in tomorrow but I do it for others. Very weird when you write it down I suppose.

 

[freshhead]

I once lived somewhere which was traumatic, the house needed so much work doing to it, gardens were also all overgrown with broken fencing, I had quite severe depression living there and slacked on cleaning.
Fast forward over ten years and I have bouts of depression and anxiety triggered by trauma from that house, it makes me panic over toys everywhere, and I’m constantly cleaning and tidying, I can relate as it feels to keep on top of it I have to do it non stop, or feel really uncomfortable and anxious.
I have a 3yr old and 16yr old, both cause a lot of mess and I feel like I’m constantly chasing my tail... I know that’s normal for most parents, but I feel if the house gets even
The slightest bit messy, I just can’t cope...

 

[1001 others]

I can definitely empathise with you all!

My main issue is a bit different, in that I don't like stuff (clutter, useless bits and pieces) being introduced into my environment. Just thinking about it makes me feel ill.

Growing up, my mum was a terrible hoarder. We just could not throw anything out without her getting really upset. As a result, a lot of the areas in the house didn't get cleaned as we couldn't get to them. She'd also be quite strange about us wanting to clean (anything other than doing the dishes), as she'd say it was her job. I think this behaviour stemmed from her childhood, in that things were taken away from her, so in adulthood she held onto everything. I was very unhappy at home - it felt like walking on eggshells all the time, and I felt embarrassed whenever aunts and uncles would call over, as my mother would fuss and panic over having to clear stuff for them to have somewhere to sit. Every surface in the house had stuff piled on it.

I flatted throughout the years and kept my own room tidy and clean but had little control over the rest of the rooms (and I must've only lived in one flat where the other flatties actually cared about housework) ... it just felt like I was trapped in this one corner of the house which I barely left, and it really did get me down.

When we bought our first house, it was a really rough diamond - it needed a LOT of work - but we set about making it ours with little improvements here and there, and in time it looked amazing. I loved being able to deep clean everything that was just for us. One day, my mother turned up with a trailer in tow, and a whole heap of what I'm going to say is junk, and dumped it on our lawn for us to put in our house. I was really upset at this - I never asked for anything, and didn't need it, and - being very cautious about energy (objects hold a LOT of energy), just didn't want it in my home! Of course we were stuck with storing it and although we eventually got rid of it all, it cast a big, fat raincloud over our little abode. Even when the stuff was disposed of, it never quite felt the same way as it had before.

When we moved to our second house, I made a point of getting rid of anything that didn't serve a useful purpose - no objet d'art here - and have worked super hard to keep it like that for the past few years. But yet again, whether it's my mother trying (once again) to offload stuff onto us (we've sent her packing more than once!), or in-laws trying to do the same, it really gets me down. It's not just the occupation of the stuff - it's the energy of it. I only want stuff that has a true sense of purpose in our house. And if I can't keep rooms clear and free of stuff, then I can't keep the house immaculate. Our kitchen benchtop has two things on it - the kettle and toaster - everything else is packed away in a cupboard or drawer. Our coffee table holds the remotes, nothing else. If I come home to find stuff all over the kitchen benches and the coffee table covered with newspapers or whatever, it sends me into a panic. Watching 'Hoarders' really bothers me as it triggers the feelings of what I grew up amongst.

 

[Whatevesmate]

I can relate to this. I think trying to address the underlying feelings of shame and being out of control is crucial. I found therapy really helpful as well as mindfulness meditation and compassion focused strategies. It's good that you have got to the point that you want to address this. It sounds really tormenting. You deserve peace. Wishing you all the best in getting some support.

 

[1001 others]

I called into a homewares store this morning while I was out getting a few things. Normally this particular store is calming and relaxing - it smells heavenly and is wonderfully organised.

Unfortunately today, they were at the tail-end of a sale and there was stuff and box jumbled everywhere ... so much so, that it was hard to know where to look. I should've turned around and gone straight out but wanted to see if they had any nice tea sets for a friend's birthday. Before I even got to that side of the store, I could feel my chest tightening and a wave of panic coming over me. It was that old familiar (and not welcome) feeling again of being amongst too much stuff - and it was everywhere, and felt very heavy.

I guess this store was one of many awaiting shipments to come into the country, and by the time they did finally arrive we're now moving into a new season - that would explain why there was mountains upon mountains of stuff everywhere ... certainly more than they'd usually have out on display. They hadn't even bothered to unpack some of the boxes - they were just lying all around the floor with big A4-printed sheets of paper affixed to the sides stating what was in them (which shoppers were then unloading themselves and discarding the items wherever they could find a space).

It wasn't just the stuff getting to me today though; it was also all the people - it just felt SO claustrophobic.