Am I doing the right thing?

[BellaRose.X89]

Strap in tattlers. This is going to be a long one

I have just ended my relationship with my partner with whom I have a 5 month old and I’m not sure I’ve done the right thing.

My little one is currently teething, so not in the greatest of moods. Even without teething, he doesn’t sleep (I’m really not lying, if I get an hour a day out him it’s good) and is always very clingy to me due to being a lockdown baby. To add into this, I’m currently being treated for postnatal depression and post natal anxiety so I struggle emotionally most days.

This means that a lot of the time, I can’t get a lot of things done. We were happily watching T.V when I remembered the baby’s bottles needed washing and sterilising, he said he would finish dinner and sort them. Once we finished, I asked him if he was going to do them - if not then I would.

He then snapped at me ‘did you actually do anything today’ and it descended into a massive row.

As background, we’ve been struggling for a while. He drinks far to much and had previously resulted in him being verbally abusive towards me, one occasion he called me a bleeping twit in front of his 8 year old daughter whilst I was on my way to hospital for a scan. It came to head last weekend again when he left the house at 10 on Friday to play golf and then rang me at 8pm to say he was too pissed to drive and was staying at a mates to watch the footie. He then came home the next day, hungover, and left me to look after the baby and his two older children who were visiting overnight whilst he slept all day.

He is terrible with money and in the nearly 2 years of living together (it’s my house) he’s contributed to one food shop, two tubs of formula for the baby and a vest top for him. I’ve financed everything else, including clothes, trips out, birthday/Xmas presents for the big kids.


He’s been coming home for weeks and having digs at me for things not being done in the house. I go to my mums a few times a week for company and for some help with the baby and he gets very bitter about the time I spend there and has sly digs about that too.

During the row tonight, he’s said that I’m not grateful for him because he feeds the baby sometimes, has bathed him when I’ve been at work, ran the hoover round etc and I pointed out that I’m not going to roll out the banners and balloons because he acted like a father should and occasionally cleaned up a mess he contributed too (although I always thank him for helping with cleaning) he complained about me giving the baby to him when he gets in from work because ‘he’s had a hard day too’.

Because of all the above, my resentment and anger has been bubbling under the surface for some time and although tonight was petty - it tipped me over the edge and after a pretty intense row I ended the relationship and told him I wanted him gone.

He refused to leave till tomorrow so I tried to take myself and the baby to my parents house but he refused to let me leave and said he would call the police if I did. I know I’m in my rights to leave with baby, but I don’t need the hassle of the police getting involved. Once he realised I was serious about him leaving tomorrow, he’s been stomping around the house saying that he’s sick of me, he’s had enough of me, he’s had enough of me making him out to be the bad guy. He’s also said he’s had enough of me being mentally ill because of how it’s affecting him (he’s never said anything of the sort before, it it was affecting him I would take steps to get him support).

But now I’m lying in bed wondering if I’ve done the right thing. He can be a really good dad and I know he loves our son and what breaks my heart the most is that I am going to be the reason that he doesn’t see his dad everyday. My partner insists he loves me but I think he would tell me that even if he hated my guts because he holds a lot of guilt about not being around for his older kids and would stay in the relationship even if it made him unhappy. If that meant being around for our son.

He knows exactly what buttons to press to make me feel guilty and change my mind so I don’t know if my doubts about my decision are my honest feelings or just feelings of guilt.

Any advice appreciated, thank you.

 

[floof86]

I think you have absolutely done the right thing. The things he has said are not okay. And he is not providing you with a fraction of the support he should. I’m so sorry for what you are going through, and glad you have your parents close by for support.

 

[HandmadeMama]

Strap in tattlers. This is going to be a long one

I have just ended my relationship with my partner with whom I have a 5 month old and I’m not sure I’ve done the right thing.

My little one is currently teething, so not in the greatest of moods. Even without teething, he doesn’t sleep (I’m really not lying, if I get an hour a day out him it’s good) and is always very clingy to me due to being a lockdown baby. To add into this, I’m currently being treated for postnatal depression and post natal anxiety so I struggle emotionally most days.

This means that a lot of the time, I can’t get a lot of things done. We were happily watching T.V when I remembered the baby’s bottles needed washing and sterilising, he said he would finish dinner and sort them. Once we finished, I asked him if he was going to do them - if not then I would.

He then snapped at me ‘did you actually do anything today’ and it descended into a massive row.

As background, we’ve been struggling for a while. He drinks far to much and had previously resulted in him being verbally abusive towards me, one occasion he called me a bleeping twit in front of his 8 year old daughter whilst I was on my way to hospital for a scan. It came to head last weekend again when he left the house at 10 on Friday to play golf and then rang me at 8pm to say he was too pissed to drive and was staying at a mates to watch the footie. He then came home the next day, hungover, and left me to look after the baby and his two older children who were visiting overnight whilst he slept all day.

He is terrible with money and in the nearly 2 years of living together (it’s my house) he’s contributed to one food shop, two tubs of formula for the baby and a vest top for him. I’ve financed everything else, including clothes, trips out, birthday/Xmas presents for the big kids.


He’s been coming home for weeks and having digs at me for things not being done in the house. I go to my mums a few times a week for company and for some help with the baby and he gets very bitter about the time I spend there and has sly digs about that too.

During the row tonight, he’s said that I’m not grateful for him because he feeds the baby sometimes, has bathed him when I’ve been at work, ran the hoover round etc and I pointed out that I’m not going to roll out the banners and balloons because he acted like a father should and occasionally cleaned up a mess he contributed too (although I always thank him for helping with cleaning) he complained about me giving the baby to him when he gets in from work because ‘he’s had a hard day too’.

Because of all the above, my resentment and anger has been bubbling under the surface for some time and although tonight was petty - it tipped me over the edge and after a pretty intense row I ended the relationship and told him I wanted him gone.

He refused to leave till tomorrow so I tried to take myself and the baby to my parents house but he refused to let me leave and said he would call the police if I did. I know I’m in my rights to leave with baby, but I don’t need the hassle of the police getting involved. Once he realised I was serious about him leaving tomorrow, he’s been stomping around the house saying that he’s sick of me, he’s had enough of me, he’s had enough of me making him out to be the bad guy. He’s also said he’s had enough of me being mentally ill because of how it’s affecting him (he’s never said anything of the sort before, it it was affecting him I would take steps to get him support).

But now I’m lying in bed wondering if I’ve done the right thing. He can be a really good dad and I know he loves our son and what breaks my heart the most is that I am going to be the reason that he doesn’t see his dad everyday. My partner insists he loves me but I think he would tell me that even if he hated my guts because he holds a lot of guilt about not being around for his older kids and would stay in the relationship even if it made him unhappy. If that meant being around for our son.

He knows exactly what buttons to press to make me feel guilty and change my mind so I don’t know if my doubts about my decision are my honest feelings or just feelings of guilt.

Any advice appreciated, thank you.

First of all, I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this. With a 5 month old, it’s never going to be an easy decision to make.
From what you’ve written, he doesn’t sound like a great person with the verbal abuse, making you feel bad for going to see your mum and not helping at all.

I experienced a partner like this when I was younger (no kids involved) and it just spiralled into a very toxic situation.

Do not let him make you feel guilty, it’s your life and if he isn’t making you happy then maybe he shouldn’t be with you.

Also, if you want to leave with your child, the police will do absolutely nothing about it, nor can they. You’re his mother. He’s just threatening you.

He can continue to be a really good dad, but you don’t have to be with him for that.

sorry for the long message but he doesn’t sound supportive of you, and will he ever change? You have to do what’s best for and your baby.

It sounds like an awful lot to deal with, sending love your way

 

[newtoyou]

I hope you’re ok and safe first of all. You sound like you’re very unhappy in this situation. Your baby seeing his dad everyday won’t mean that much if he’s not growing up in a happy environment with happy parents. You didn’t mention if you still love your partner but it sounds like you could do with a break at least. The way he’s spoken to you is not ok

 

[Dust]

Stick to your guns. He's abusive, controlling and doesn't contribute to your household. You will be in a better position if you only have yourself and your son to look after. I wish you the very best of luck

 

[Lulu Goss]

I think you have done the right thing. You’ve said you don’t want to be the reason your son doesn’t see his dad every day, but you’re not - it’s him and his behaviour that’s caused it. Hope you’re ok x

 

[hol20x]

You have done the right thing, he sounds really toxic. A lot of what you mentioned was very familiar to me. I had severe PND after having my daughter, her dad drank too much and was verbally abusive to me.

I left him nearly two years after having the baby and it was the best thing I ever did. I had a lot of guilt for a while cos I felt like I was taking her away from her dad and I felt so bad that she didn’t have her parents together like I’ve always had. But after a little while I started to see things clearly and I realised that it is much better for my daughter to grow up in a happy household than to listen to her parents fighting every day.

He said I couldn’t do it without him but I did and I’ve been separated from him for over a year now. Without a doubt the best decision I’ve ever made. My only regret is not leaving sooner.

 

[BellaRose.X89]

Thank you all for your kind comments and encouraging words.

I’m going to stick by my guns and tell him to leave again in the morning. It’s going to be bloody hard but as you have all said, it’s better my little has a happy house rather than a house where there is arguing.

I really appreciate that you took time out of your day to respond, Thanks again

 

[1001 others]

I think you are doing the right thing.

He may be a good father, but that on its own is not a good enough reason to stay with him. If it's not working in so many other ways, you're best to end it and move on. It'll be better for all concerned in the long run.

 

[Bellaboo83]

I've been stuck in a toxic relationship for ages and getting out finally has really helped my mental health. I think the declining toxic relationship and the stresses that brings was really contributing to if not underlying my anxiety and depression. He's been gone 5 weeks now and the relief I feel is crazy, it's almost like I can breathe for the first time not walking on egg shells. Yes it's been hard and still is (we have a child and I still felt love for him) but I knew quickly it was the right thing for me.

I just wanted to say that I think you're doing the right thing. You deserve better. And once he is out you might find your mental health improves as mine did. Put yourself first and don't feel guilty

Wishing you the best xx

 

[Fairypop]

I also think you’ve done the right thing. Ultimately you’ve put your little one first, as he gets older I’m sure he would’ve picked up on the underlying resentment in the relationship and that’s no environment to be in. His dad can still be involved as much as you’d both like and still be a great dad, maybe even better when the issues from your relationship aren’t bubbling away under the surface.

I’m sure once he’s gone you’ll feel a weight lifted and see that you’ve done the right thing for yourself! It’s bloody hard to do it so you should feel proud of yourself. Don’t feel guilty - you’re not responsible for his happiness or for his poor choices.

I hope today is a better day (if a little hard) and that you have all the support you need

 

[JoeBloggs]

I completely agree that you’ve done the right thing. He can still be a good dad regardless if he is your partner, that’s on him.

His behaviour is awful and very toxic. I hope today goes as well as it can for you, stick to your guns it’s your house and you deserve to be happy.

 

[Babyyoda88]

I’m sorry you’re going through this especially not long after having a baby. But I agree with your choice to end the relationship. It sounds like he’s making life more difficult and contributing to your mental health even more by the way he talks to you and it’s trying to make you feel bad.
he can still be a great dad to his children, but the way he’s treated and spoke to you is not ok. I understand it’s a stressful time for both, but I think your son having a happy mother is the main priority

 

[NorrhernGal88]

Are you ok and safe?? How did this morning go?

Yes you’ve done the right thing. He can still be an involved dad even if you’re not together. A kid would rather that I think than 2 unhappy parents.
it sounds like you’ve got good support from your own parents and they’ll pull you up and help you too?
I have a 13 month old and I just want to say you’re so brave and amazing.
My friends (now ex) husband left her on Xmas eve with a 6 month old and 4 year old -it was hard but she pulled herself up and now she’s engaged, had another baby and she’s so happy.

find someone who treats you better, you deserve the world! Xx

 

[BettyCrockerr]

You have done the right thing.

he isn’t a good partner nor a good parent. He sounds like hes a selfish, childish prick to be completely honest.

he can be a father to his child if He wants to be - but you do not have to be in a relationship with him nor do you have to put up with any of his tit. He doesn’t sound like he makes any contribution to your household or family life at all. Why are your finances so unbalanced? Why are you paying for everything? you mentioned that he goes out to work - so where is his money going, if he’s not contributing anything to the house?

a relationship should be an equal partnership where you support each other and enjoy sharing a life together. He should want to do his share - he should want to help you and support you and to share the load.

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

You have 100% done the right thing, he is the one in the wrong here, not you. He is the reason that your son won’t see his dad all the time, not you. Don’t forget that, he caused this.

His behaviour is vile, I don’t know how you’ve coped for so long and I think he has probably contributed to your mental health problems with the way he treats you.

he sounds controlling and that’s a form of abuse in itself, he needs to grow up and take some responsibility for his own life and his children’s.

Honestly you don’t need your son growing up in that toxic environment and you don’t want your son to think that that is the way to treat a woman, or his mum, as children do pick up on these behaviours and they do mimic things.

You say your son struggles with sleep, he could be unsettled because of the toxic environment. My brother was the same as a baby before my mum split with his dad. Babies pick up on tension, even when they’re very little.

Stick to your decision and don’t take him back, he doesn’t deserve you. And you also don’t want things to escalate. My friend’s partner behaved in a similar way and it escalated to him hitting her eventually.

you say he’s a good dad, but he doesn’t contribute anything to the household? He doesn’t sound like a good dad at all.

You took the first big step, stick with it.

 

[BellaRose.X89]

Are you ok and safe?? How did this morning go?

Yes you’ve done the right thing. He can still be an involved dad even if you’re not together. A kid would rather that I think than 2 unhappy parents.
it sounds like you’ve got good support from your own parents and they’ll pull you up and help you too?
I have a 13 month old and I just want to say you’re so brave and amazing.
My friends (now ex) husband left her on Xmas eve with a 6 month old and 4 year old -it was hard but she pulled herself up and now she’s engaged, had another baby and she’s so happy.

find someone who treats you better, you deserve the world! Xx

Yes me and baby are good thank you. As soon as we were awake I got out the house with him and went to my parents.

My parents are incredibly supportive thankfully, don’t know what I would do without them.

We spoke briefly before I left so I could tell him what time I was coming home and they I didn’t want him here. When he realised I was sticking by my guns he started initially declaring his undying love for me and when that didn’t work he said that I had been planning this for months, I never tell him I love him or show him affection and that this is all to do with my depression and ‘once I’m over it in a few months, I will feel different’.

I just ignored him and walked out. I feel like absolute tit and every time I look at my son I just cry my eyes out but I know that as tit as this feels, I’m doing what’s best for him. And myself of course.

You have done the right thing.

he isn’t a good partner nor a good parent. He sounds like hes a selfish, childish prick to be completely honest.

he can be a father to his child if He wants to be - but you do not have to be in a relationship with him nor do you have to put up with any of his tit. He doesn’t sound like he makes any contribution to your household or family life at all. Why are your finances so unbalanced? Why are you paying for everything? you mentioned that he goes out to work - so where is his money going, if he’s not contributing anything to the house?

a relationship should be an equal partnership where you support each other and enjoy sharing a life together. He should want to do his share - he should want to help you and support you and to share the load.

I earn more money than he does and he is on minimum wage. Over a quarter of his money goes to the mother of his other two children, not through CSA or anything just an agreement between them. Then he gives me half towards utilities, has his own bills for car insurance,phone,sky sports etc and that leaves him a couple of hundred quid a month, which goes on fuel and anything left over from what I can see - goes on drink.

I do sometimes wonder if he saw me coming with ‘mug’ stamped on my head and took full advantage of it. We were never supposed to live together as soon as we did, he lost his job at the beginning of the pandemic and had to leave his house because he couldn’t afford the rent.He didn’t have anywhere else to go so he came to mind temporarily and I fell pregnant 2 months later, completely unexpectedly.

 

[Mrs Cucumber]

Hope he had gone by the time you got back, you are absolutely doing the right thing x

 

[CrimeJunkie]

How are things @BellaRose.X89? Hope you’re okay x

 

[Fizzwhizz2020]

I’d say you’ve 1000% done the right thing. He sounds manipulative, controlling, selfish and is completely gaslighting you. End of the day, he should be taking equal responsibility for parenting, shopping, cooking, cleaning without having to be thanked for doing normal, everyday tasks. The fact that he contributes nothing just shows that he just wants to be taken care of and keep his own money for things he wants, rather than what his family need. You clearly deserve so much more. He might change for a while to get you to change your mind, but people always revert to type. I would be so sure that you’d look back on this in a year and be so grateful you have him the shove. You’ll be so much happier. The fact that he uses your PND against you, rather than supporting you in any way is so telling x