Am I depressed?

[Pagger]

I'm going to apologise in advance for what I think will be a long rambling post.

Basically I feel unhappy in pretty much all areas of my life my marriage, job, the parent that I am, how I look. But I don't get down about them unless

My husband is pretty miserable quite often, he gets really annoyed over the smallest of things. He is never loving or anything (neither am I with him to be honest), we bicker loads and I just find it draining. When he gets in from work he will comment on the house, whether its messy or tidy and I feel I have to get stuff done in the house for him We currently co-sleep with our baby girl as she is a terrible sleeper so there is no love life or intimacy as she literally sleeps in my arms all night. We live in a 2 bed house and don't want to put her in with our 4 year old as he sleeps really well. So we don't really have any choice but to co-sleep as she has no real room for a cot. He is great with the kids, although sometimes short tempered. But he helps out with bath times, plays with our eldest more than I do, etc. I feel this is the main thing that keeps me with him as I don't think I could do it alone. I've thought about marriage counselling but not only will my husband probably refuse to do it, but we can't afford it either.

I'm on maternity leave, I've been off since the start of covid last March. I've spent most of this time just in the house with my baby girl and eldest son who is 4 as I don't drive so have been limited with what I can do. On the days my eldest isn't at nursery we do get out locally to the park and things, but I've started to dread these days as he can be very intense and requires a lot of attention and when I'm not getting very good sleep, I just don't really have the energy for it.

I feel I'm ready to go back to work and have a bit of time where I'm not just mummy. The problem is I absolutely despise where I work. I haven't spoken to a single colleague during the whole 14 months I've been off. I feel like a total outcast and that everyone thinks I'm a weirdo. I work in a nursery and they're all too busy bitching rather than doing their job. Theyre flexible in the hours I do which I know is hard to find, plus I know all private nurseries are pretty tit so don't see the point in finding a new job. We have no help with childcare so almost all of my wage will be going on her nursery fees which I don't mind as it's the only way I can work and we need that extra but of cash, also my baby needs nursery, she is very shy and attached to me because of lockdown. She has only just started to tolerate my mil who is in our bubble.

I try and be the best mum that I can be, but once they're in bed I just look back at what I've done with them that day and just feel tit. I am just so tired that I don't have the energy to play and be fun My son can be very hard work he demands a lot of attention and can't occupy himself at all unless he is on his tablet, which of course doesn't help with the guilt.

I put on a lot of weight when pregnant. Pregnancy mixed with lockdown did me no favours. I still have weight to lose and am dreading summer when I can no longer hide under my coat. My skin is awful as I'm just too tired to bother with myself. I just feel really ugly and a mess. My son starts school in September and I don't want him to feel embarrassed of me amongst the other mums in the playground.

I feel very alone. I live away from my family and childhood friends. We only really have my husbands mum for support but even then she only bothers when she wants to. I have a couple of mum friends through my eldest but they aren't the close type that I could spill all to.

Anyway, spelling it out like that it you would think it's obvious I'm depressed. But I don't really feel sad at all (although I am when writing this), but if my husband is in a good mood and the kids are and we are having a nice time then I don't even think about all these things.

I'm just not really sure what to do

 

[wakametango]

I’m not a mum so I don’t want to give unrealistic advice but I didn’t want to read and run. Hoping some lovely ladies can give you some advice on here
Sending you lots of love

 

[Fizzwhizz2020]

I’m not a dr and only you know how you feel. But maybe you’re not depressed, sometimes that word can be thrown around a lot when people just generally feel a bit fed up with everything that’s going on around them. But might be worth speaking to the Dr. But how you feel is pretty normal. You’ve been locked up for a year with 2 young children, no time for you, it’s definitely been very very hard. Maybe once you get back to work and you have a bit of breathing space you might feel differently. But if you do feel low, it’s always worth getting help and never be ashamed to ask for it x

 

[TikToc]

Ah you poor thing. I think youu feel like a lot of people over all these lockdowns and having a baby thrown into the mix isn't helping. Can you have a chat with your GP? sending you a big virtual hug.

 

[Kim Mild]

I think your feelings are equally as valid whether they are caused by depression or your situation.

If you are ready to return to work , can you look for another job? Is there another nursery to apply for, or is care work a possibility as they always seem to have vacancies, and have shifts at different times of the day .

 

[Jelly Bean]

Och you seem so sad. How old is your little girl? I bet you are so tired all the time. Long term fatigue can mess with your head terribly.
You sound like you are a very good mum so don't beat yourself up about that. You may sometimes feel you are just 'going through the motions' but you are their mummy and looking after them well and that is what they will see so don't feel guilty you are not 'fun mum' all the time. Nobody is.
As regards your job - it is easy to say but try not to bother about your colleagues. They really are irrelevant and what they may or may not think about you is their problem not yours. It is YOUR job and nothing to do with them so really focus on getting something out of it for you, even if it is just building up confidence to apply for something else.
Yes you sound depressed - but also like you feel trapped and everything is out of your control. Minor adjustments to regain control can change things - can you go and see your family for a bit if you think that would help? Ask your husband not to comment on the house? - (That does sound really annoying. I'd be so pissed off).
BTW there is no way your son will be embarrassed by you.

 

[Upintheair83]

I’m not a dr but reading your post I just wanted to give you a big hug. It sounds like you are an amazing mum and doing the most amazing job. You have two little ones and you are trying to navigate that in a lockdown!!! How amazing are you? You are juggling a lot of balls and also must be very sleep deprived. I think you are running on empty. You are obviously screaming out for a bit of ‘you’ time and that’s so normal. Everyone wants that, there is nothing selfish about it. When your husband does bath time or plays with the kids is there anyway you could either do a little pamper session? Like have a bath or a face mask? You say you want to lose some weight, would you have the energy to do abit of yoga or go for a walk while he looks after them? Or just simply have a nap?A nap can work wonders!!!
Have you thought about if maybe you have a bit of post natal depression? I think a lot of new mums have struggled with the Covid lockdowns hun and maybe made things worse. I think I would go to your gp and tell him how you feel. I think maybe if you had some help then maybe things would look and feel abit different for you- maybe even your relationship with your husband might change? Have you spoken to him about it?
I do think it must be hard that your don’t really have a support network around you, there’s that quote isn’t there? About it takes a village to raise a child.
I think you are doing amazing and should be very proud of yourself- these are such funny times and it sounds like you are doing a great job- but I would go and see the GP just in case it’s abit of post natal depression and they would help you out.
Lots of love xxxxx

 

[Justwishfulthinking]

Like others have said I’m not a doctor. I have had depression in past. To be honest I’d ask yourself are you depressed or dissatisfied?

if you’re massively sleep deprived as well that can impact on mood. I think a lot of the things you have said on there own would be manageable but once they stack up I imagine it feels frustrating.

On the plus you’ve been able to identify where things aren’t great which gives you somewhere to focus changes.

You’ve had a baby in lockdown and are still putting her needs as a priority in regard to working to up her engagement skills.

Your husband may also be feeling disillusioned with life and stuck in a rut. We often take out frustrations out on people closest to us.

In regards to weight gain so many people have put on weight as it’s been lockdown. When I gained weight I found things like kaftans helped as made me feel a bit more covered up but also put together so I didn’t feel like a scruff.

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Also I know this sounds daft but even just a simple routine of getting ready helps. Maybe put together a little beauty kit. Doesn’t need to be expensive but makes you feel refreshed and like you’re taking care of yourself. A little feel good kit. You can pick up most of the stuff from home bargains or savers on the cheap.

Fill it with things that smell nice as sensory is really beneficial when feeling run down.

Shampoo
Conditioner
Deo - I love dove as smells so clean to me
Face wash
Tooth brush
Toothpaste
Moisturiser - the ordinary are great and affordable
Body wash and lotion - https://www.superdrug.com/Skin/Body...-PInk-Peony-and-Cashmere Body-Lotion/p/781381 and https://www.superdrug.com/Toiletrie...om-Body-Wash---Pink-Peony-&-Cashmere/p/781383 they also do an orange with amber which is lovely
Razor
Hair brush
Hair treatment leave in
Lip balm

know this all sounds really superficial but I was really unwell and had an operation. After just doing this made me feel a little more in control and like I was taking care of myself.

I also always wear a perfume or body spray as lifts my mood.

Also being sleep deprived is awful. There is a reason it’s used as torture. See if you can have a look at sleeping situation. Maybe make a little nook for your baby girl.

xxx

 

[BettyCrockerr]

I'm going to apologise in advance for what I think will be a long rambling post.

Basically I feel unhappy in pretty much all areas of my life my marriage, job, the parent that I am, how I look. But I don't get down about them unless

My husband is pretty miserable quite often, he gets really annoyed over the smallest of things. He is never loving or anything (neither am I with him to be honest), we bicker loads and I just find it draining. When he gets in from work he will comment on the house, whether its messy or tidy and I feel I have to get stuff done in the house for him We currently co-sleep with our baby girl as she is a terrible sleeper so there is no love life or intimacy as she literally sleeps in my arms all night. We live in a 2 bed house and don't want to put her in with our 4 year old as he sleeps really well. So we don't really have any choice but to co-sleep as she has no real room for a cot. He is great with the kids, although sometimes short tempered. But he helps out with bath times, plays with our eldest more than I do, etc. I feel this is the main thing that keeps me with him as I don't think I could do it alone. I've thought about marriage counselling but not only will my husband probably refuse to do it, but we can't afford it either.

I'm on maternity leave, I've been off since the start of covid last March. I've spent most of this time just in the house with my baby girl and eldest son who is 4 as I don't drive so have been limited with what I can do. On the days my eldest isn't at nursery we do get out locally to the park and things, but I've started to dread these days as he can be very intense and requires a lot of attention and when I'm not getting very good sleep, I just don't really have the energy for it.

I feel I'm ready to go back to work and have a bit of time where I'm not just mummy. The problem is I absolutely despise where I work. I haven't spoken to a single colleague during the whole 14 months I've been off. I feel like a total outcast and that everyone thinks I'm a weirdo. I work in a nursery and they're all too busy bitching rather than doing their job. Theyre flexible in the hours I do which I know is hard to find, plus I know all private nurseries are pretty tit so don't see the point in finding a new job. We have no help with childcare so almost all of my wage will be going on her nursery fees which I don't mind as it's the only way I can work and we need that extra but of cash, also my baby needs nursery, she is very shy and attached to me because of lockdown. She has only just started to tolerate my mil who is in our bubble.

I try and be the best mum that I can be, but once they're in bed I just look back at what I've done with them that day and just feel tit. I am just so tired that I don't have the energy to play and be fun My son can be very hard work he demands a lot of attention and can't occupy himself at all unless he is on his tablet, which of course doesn't help with the guilt.

I put on a lot of weight when pregnant. Pregnancy mixed with lockdown did me no favours. I still have weight to lose and am dreading summer when I can no longer hide under my coat. My skin is awful as I'm just too tired to bother with myself. I just feel really ugly and a mess. My son starts school in September and I don't want him to feel embarrassed of me amongst the other mums in the playground.

I feel very alone. I live away from my family and childhood friends. We only really have my husbands mum for support but even then she only bothers when she wants to. I have a couple of mum friends through my eldest but they aren't the close type that I could spill all to.

Anyway, spelling it out like that it you would think it's obvious I'm depressed. But I don't really feel sad at all (although I am when writing this), but if my husband is in a good mood and the kids are and we are having a nice time then I don't even think about all these things.

I'm just not really sure what to do

oh bless you.

First off - I think you need to see your GP and tell them everything you have told us here. Don’t hold back. Tell them everything and let them guide you with regards to diagnosis. You may well have depression but I’m also wondering if this could be post natal depression also? I think you would benefit from actually saying all of this out loud to a person in real life and you need that outlet & support so please, call you GP today and get an appointment.
You’ve mentioned that your son can require a lot of attention- do you feel he needs more than most children? If so I’d perhaps also discuss this with the GP as he may require some additional support with would help him and in turn help you as parents.
I know you live away from your own family & friends but do they live close enough to be able to visit you for a day? Or if not, could you start to make arrangements to maybe go to see family for a short break as soon as covid restrictions allow? In the meantime, please reach out to them via phone or FaceTime- you need some support and even if you can’t physically be near them you should be able to get emotional support from them at a distance.
Your husband sounds like he is also under pressure and doesn’t sound like he’s particularly happy at the moment. Has he always been like that?
I think you need to sit down with him and lay all of this out on the table. Tell him exactly how you are feeling about everything and ask him how he feels. You cannot live like this anymore - it’s not healthy and a marriage is supposed to be an equal partnership. You should be looking after & supporting each other and communication is vital. Talk to him.
Marriage counselling isn’t for everyone and yes it is an expensive solution so don’t feel like that’s the only option - the first thing you have to do is open up and be really honest with him and with yourself.
with regards to work & money, get in touch with your local citizens advice office and see if there’s any additional help you maybe entitled to in terms of benefits and I’d also enquire about housing - you say your in a 2 bed house so you definitely need more space, they could offer help with council housing or looking at lower cost local authority housing.
Your unhappiness with your physical appearance is probably being compounded by everything else but ultimately you can change this- diet changes and daily exercise will help but you need to be in the right headspace to start this so please, contact your GP today to get that ball rolling and talk to your husband xxxx

 

[BettyCrockerr]

How are you feeling this evening @Pagger ??

 

[Kitty4321]

Aww some great advice in here. I’m not a mum but I always know when I’m feeling down and tit about life then walks / fresh air / the gym always are my go to! I appreciate easier said than done esp with the little ones but if you can get even a couple times a week will help with the confidence re weight too! Also will be nice to maybe see some friendly faces if you start going the gym classes!

And defo get a little skin care routine on the go, doesn’t need to be expensive double cleanse on a night retinol then treat yourself to a nice serum spf in the morning - could get a nice tinted one to make you feel a bit fresher

Sending lots of love

 

[Justwishfulthinking]

Also @Pagger just wanted to say my response earlier probably seemed quite superficial stuff. It was just coming from something that helped some a bit in terms of self care.

Some fab advice on here. Also had a little look as had heard of a organisation called PANDAS who have a helpline, emailme online info forany parent experiencing post baby mental illness which would include low mood and depression.

How we can support you – PANDAS Foundation UK

pandasfoundation.org.uk

Also might worth looking here as loads of support out there for different needs.

https://www.motherandbaby.co.uk/first-year/self-care/mental-health/helplines-mum-advice-supporting

 

[Whatspopping]

I'd echo the above comments to book an appointment with your GP. I'd also google 'PHQ-9' questionnaire. It's a questionnaire a lot of GPs and mental health professionals use to help establish if someone if affected by depression or low mood. Fill one in and say what you scored to your GP.

 

[TikToc]

@Pagger how are you feeling today?