Am I being unreasonable?

[Twertle]

So. Bf had a friend when they were kids, throughout our relationship he’s always spoken to her but it’s been a secret (he says because I will go mad) I should add we’ve been together for half our lives so it’s been a long time. I’ve always said how I don’t like it... it doesn’t make sense to me to keep it secret. I’ve asked him to tell me when she calls because if it’s nothing and just friendly then there’s no reason not to tell me but I don’t get told and I find out. This is every few weeks even though he says they don’t talk often and has been every few weeks since as long as I can remember. Last time I found her number and when I asked him to delete it he changed the name. I’ve said now that he has to choose me or her, I’m unhappy, I’ve made that clear and I just can’t understand it.
I’d really like some outsider perspective on it because I’m feeling deflated maybe I’m being unreasonable and I should just accept it? Tia

 

[Tui]

Have you met this friend? Do they have a partner? Why have you given him an ultimatum? I doubt it’s going to work if he’s not engaging with you already. You say you don’t have a problem with her but the ultimatum suggests otherwise.

My suggestion would have been to invite his friend over for dinner and try to get to know her/befriend her, but she will know about the ultimatum now which isn’t going to make starting a productive relationship with her very easy.

 

[Twertle]

They got back in contact whilst we were together so the whole friendship has been a secret. I’ve never met the friend he says he hasn’t seen her. She does have a partner... the reason for the ultimatum is because he has a history of messaging women behind my back and it’s knocked my trust quite badly, my mental health has really been affected by it. I very much doubt there would ever be a scenario where we would meet I’m pretty sure she knows I don’t know they talk. Another reason is because nothing else has worked I’ve tried ‘understanding’ I’ve tried to accept it but part of me doesn’t see why it needs to be secret It’s hurting me so badly that instead of just not talking to her like I’ve asked a thousand times he just continues secretly too and then tells me it’s nothing it’s like my feelings don’t matter.

 

[Ooohb*tch!]

I don't think that's healthy.. I don't think relationships should have secrets, certainly not of that sort!

You are not being unreasonable AT ALL!
You say he hasn't seen her does that mean they've never actually met?

If he won't stop contact with her pack him in Hun! You don't deserve his lies!

 

[Tui]

In that case, it doesn’t sound very innocent (unfortunately). Can you handle the possibility that he may choose her? I’m not being cruel, only this is the risk with an ultimatum. Could she be an ex girlfriend? It sounds like your boyfriend has plenty of secrets.... I’m getting red flags here about him.

 

[GiftedNotFree]

He sounds like a loser. Messaging other women behind your back etc - what a horrible thing to do. If you’re unmarried without kids I’d suggest moving on and finding someone more trustworthy.

 

[Likkleone]

On the surface, him messaging a long term friend isn’t a bad thing. However, where he’s over stepped the line is by keeping this a secret. If he truly wanted to keep this friend in his life, surely he would be inviting her to meet you for her partner to meet you both too.

Sounds VERY suspicious in my opinion and even if it’s nothing, the very fact that it’s knocked your confidence and he continues to do it is WRONG. Never let a man justify his lies with ‘you’ll go mad’ - he’s not keeping this from you to protect you, he’s trying to protect what ever it is he’s hiding.

 

[Begborrowsteal]

Youre unhappy and hes shown he isnt willing to reassure you. Bin him off.

 

[JodieGreen123]

You’re being perfectly reasonable. If it was innocent he would have no reason to hide it. The fact that he’s keeping it from you, when he knows how you feel about it is not cool at all.

 

[Raininvain]

I think the relationship clearly isnt working for you and you need to end it and move on. If someone is a genuine friend then he wouldnt need to be messaging in secret etc. Hes having you on big style.

 

[Kandy floss]

My boyfriend of 3 and a half years has a couple of female friends from school/university and he’s never once felt the need to hide the fact they’ve messaged from me or made me feel uncomfortable about their friendships huge red flag

 

[caitlinbullen]

No. Bin him off.xxx

 

[JoeBloggs]

If he’s done this before and he’s still hiding things (even if they are innocent) he’s not showing you that you are the most important or that he respects you. Get rid.

 

[lavalamp98]

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. But I saw a video a few weeks ago that said trying to control your bf, e.g. what’s happening here, implementing rules as to who they can and can’t talk to, is more likely to result in him actively WANTING to do something dodgy (meet up with her) behind your back next time you argue, purely out of spite/to fight back against the feeling of being controlled. As bad as it is I feel like that’s how a lot of people’s brains work, whether they’d care to admit that or not!! So I would just worry about your ultimatum having the opposite effect in the end

 

[Scorpihoe]

So. Bf had a friend when they were kids, throughout our relationship he’s always spoken to her but it’s been a secret (he says because I will go mad) I should add we’ve been together for half our lives so it’s been a long time. I’ve always said how I don’t like it... it doesn’t make sense to me to keep it secret. I’ve asked him to tell me when she calls because if it’s nothing and just friendly then there’s no reason not to tell me but I don’t get told and I find out. This is every few weeks even though he says they don’t talk often and has been every few weeks since as long as I can remember. Last time I found her number and when I asked him to delete it he changed the name. I’ve said now that he has to choose me or her, I’m unhappy, I’ve made that clear and I just can’t understand it.
I’d really like some outsider perspective on it because I’m feeling deflated maybe I’m being unreasonable and I should just accept it? Tia

Get rid of him. There are multiple things you said that confirmed he doesn’t respect you. Why is he keeping it a secret? Why did he change her name in his phone? He can see it’s affecting your mental health yet he has taken no action to make you feel better.

You deserve so much better. Do you know who this girl is? Do you have any proof she has a partner or are you just taking your boyfriends word for it? Give him the ultimatum and demand the truth, ask to see their messages if they’re so innocent. If he won’t show you, he is hiding something. Or do some digging yourself, try and find out who she is, or check his phone, then you’ll know for sure

good luck xx